My Neighbour keeps on sending her daughter over.

amother

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 4:48 pm

Im talking about little kids like 3 to 4-year-olds
This neighbor will just come and drop off her daughter to play with mine on Shabbos, or on reg day they'll call and ask if she can come over.

Due to my nature, I generally tend to say yes even when I really prefer not. I always feel like I have to give her a legitimate reason otherwise.

What do you think?

I've always believed that if my kids want to play with a friend, the polite thing to do is invite a friend to come to your house, and not the other way.

tichellady

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 4:51 pm

practice saying “ it’s not a good time” or “ let’s meet at the park”, or “ sure, can you pick her up in one hour and then take sarah until 4”

amother

Lightyellow

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 4:53 pm

Yes definitely have a line ready.
"It won't work today" and say goodbye and shut the door.

no reason necessary and in fact better not to offer one

dena613

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 4:53 pm

There's nothing wrong with inviting yourself as long as it's not too frequent, and as long as there is reciprocity.

"Hi, Chevs wants to play with Sarala. Would you like to come to our house, or can Chevs go to yours? " is fine.

It sounds like in your situation it is one-sided and too frequent to your liking.
Then you'll have to learn how to say no.r

And no, you don't need to give a reason.
"It's not a good time right now" is perfectly valid.

tweety1

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 4:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

I have a neighbor that does this when she needs a babysitter. I have a few phone numbers for various reasons; she'll call every single number. If I don't pick up she'll send the kid to knock on my door putting me at a spot. Dh is trying to teach me how to politely decline because I feel bad saying no. Some people are just now the brightest bulb in the pack. She's not a bad person. I think she just doesn't get it.

amother

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 4:56 pm

tweety1 wrote:

If I don't pick up she'll send the kid to knock on my door putting me at a spot. .

Exactly this. She arrives at my door with her daughter and I just feel bad saying no.
I also don't want to create bad feelings

amother

Clear

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:00 pm

Does she have a need that you don’t know about (or maybe even that she thinks you do)?

I would never do it and think it is off. That being said, and you absolutely have the right to set boundaries, does she have an issue in her home and need help/coverage? (We don’t always know what goes on behind closed doors)

ETA-on the other hand, some people are just takers and she figures if you are willing to take her kid, then she can nap and it’s not her problem because you agreed. It can be really hard to know.

tweety1

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

Exactly this. She arrives at my door with her daughter and I just feel bad saying no.
I also don't want to create bad feelings

So recently I was having a hard day. My older kids weren't home yet. When the kid came to my door the mother was downstairs yelling up to the kid "ask them if you can stay there". Now go tell a little 3 year old no. I said yes. I was fuming mad at myself. I let it all out on my poor dh. Dh told me next time I better answer "now is not a good time I'm sorry. I'm waiting for the test to see if I'll pass.

amother

Clear

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:05 pm

tweety1 wrote:

You need to turn it.
It’s not a good time to come and play here, but let’s ask your mommy if Chani can come and play with you at your house.

amother

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:09 pm

amother Clear wrote:

I believe this may be possible, but it just makes me feel worse about saying no

amother

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:11 pm

I want to add that her kid is adorable and they generally play nicely together but this inviting herself over thing is just making me feel resentful

amother

Sunflower

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:15 pm

amother OP wrote:

I believe this may be possible, but it just makes me feel worse about saying no

Me too!!! So for me it’s easier to say “sure im so happy you’re here! But in one hour I have to take a walk so you’ll have to go home then!”

It won’t be worth it to her for the one hour.

groovy1224

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:21 pm

Do yourself a favor and learn how to say no. It's hard but it's the best gift you can give yourself.

'I'm so sorry but we can't have company to come play today. Would you like esti to come to your house?' And that's it.

You absolutely never have to give an excuse why you can't on the spot have an extra kid over to play.

amother

DarkViolet

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:21 pm

My neighbor does this too, and I don’t have a kid the same age, so it’s babysitting thinly disguised as a play date. I also have a hard time saying no. But it’s really hard when the kid shows up at my door with her slightly older sister who’s “babysitting” and I feel responsible to keep her safe (I know, not my problem, easier said than done!). And even worse when I try to send her home and nobody’s there Can't Believe It

The mom does invite my kid over but I don’t like to do that (see older sibs babysitting issue) so if I turn down the invite, little “Shaindy” shows up at my door shortly thereafter. “She wanted to play with Moshe so badly!”

Keep practicing, OP. “Now is not a good time. Bye!” [close door]

amother

Lightyellow

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:28 pm

If you feel bad practice saying to the mom and kid as warmly as possible "oh I am so sorry! Now is not a good time. See you later!"
You can say no and be firm while being nice at the same time.

Really you are being nice saying no because your resentment is building up and its going to come out in one way or another. Better to get used to setting boundaries so that sometimes you will say yes. Otherwise you will just start saying no all the time.

You can remind yourself that just as you don't know whats going on with them they also don't know whats going on with you. Maybe you are exhausted, don't feel well, expecting, and so on and so forth. Should only be good things!

amother

Lightyellow

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:32 pm

Also some people think "I can ask and they can say no".

So they keep asking.

Until you say no.

And they are ok with your saying no.

amother

Bellflower

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:35 pm

This is so inappropriate. But you have to figure out how to say no and say it.
I once had an acquaintance who was a good friend of my neighbor's send their 2 year old with an older sister to my door. My youngest was around 8. The sister just dropped off the baby saying her brother really likes to play with my youngest and she left.
I couldn't have returned him even if I wanted to. Obviously my kids weren't entertaining the baby.
A few hours later I see the Mom and my neighbor swinging on my neighbor's backyard swing deep in conversation.
Really? So I'm the babysitter and you're off socializing?
I had no clue she was there. And no clue why she didn't come check on the baby. Perhaps the sister was supposed to say more. Perhaps she was supposed to babysit. Who knows.

amother

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:46 pm

I'm happy to see that I'm not the only one who thinks it's inappropriate to keep on doing this.

I guess the bottom line is that I have to learn to say no

tweety1

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 6:23 pm

amother Lightyellow wrote:

Also some people think "I can ask and they can say no".

So they keep asking.

Until you say no.

And they are ok with your saying no.

That's generally my policy too. But the difference is, that when I ask for a favor the first thing I say "please say no if you can't to what I'm about to ask for and please dont feel bad about it" Makes such a difference just one extra sentence. Try it out you'll see. I always always start out this way when asking for favors. The no's I get are so much easier on those who say it.

amother

Eggshell

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 7:05 pm

I had this issue. I but the bullet and texted the mom. "I'm so glad the kids enjoy each other's company. And I'm so glad Chaim feels so comfortable in our home. I really need to be able to keep some sort of routine and structure to my days and having him over so much, specifically 2-3 days in a row. It's too much for me. Please call ahead and ask me. Please don't send him over without clearing it with me first. Please let's limit it to 2/3 times a week."

She actually appreciated that I felt comfortable and safe with her to be honest. She invited my kids over more. The kids are still close. I have my space.