My daughter hit me

amother

Hunter

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 7:56 pm

From your pov, this is beyond acceptable & from her pov, things are so terrible that she is beyond desperate OR there is a mental health issue that needs prompt addressing.

She won't agree? If she is angry and desperate chances are she'll love to tell on you about how horrible things are. If she has a mental health issue, it's beyond a choice.

Just go yourself first and the therapist can guide you. You really do not have a choice.

amother

Papaya

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 8:03 pm

It doesn't matter if she will go to a therapist. She needs one. Its non negotiable. Start by getting one for yourself to help you deal with her.

Does she have anxiety?
I was like this a lot as a kid and I had a ton of anxiety which was left undiagnosed until I recognized it at 18.

amother

Marigold

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 8:07 pm

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this painful situation. Where is your dh in this? Is her anger at you based on any sb issues? I'm sensing that the pregnancy was not ideal for you. Please make sure that you are taking care of yourself. If you and dh are a united front can you sit down and talk about this? If not, are you able to get yourself some help?

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 8:12 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

An adult who strikes or curses a parent is chayuv Misah.

Children today are not taught the Halachos.

You don’t know the Halacha yourself.
There are numerous pre conditions for a Ben sorer.
Hardly anyone would qualify.

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 8:14 pm

if she were upset about something terrible you did like embarass her by telling her friend something you told her in confidence, I can understand, yet she would still need help with anger management and regulation. To be mad that you are pregnant is not at all normal, she is not an adult and does not get to make adult decisions about your life. That is the more concerning point. What is the underlying feeling driving the anger?

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 8:17 pm

Growing up I was always angry at my mother and fighting with her. My parents were always fighting and had terrible shalom Bayis.
My mother wasn’t very emotionally healthy at all and usually stressed.
Is that your situation?
Children don’t act out for no reason.
She’s hurting a lot inside.

amother

Crystal

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 8:19 pm

amother Turquoise wrote:

You don’t know the Halacha yourself.
There are numerous pre conditions for a Ben sorer.
Hardly anyone would qualify.

Neither do you...

This is not talking about a ben sorer umorer. It's a different halacha. Although, I believe it applies only if blood is drawn.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 8:20 pm

amother Burgundy wrote:

I remember crying and not talking to my mother for a week after she told us she was having another baby. From a teenager perspective, she literally just ruined your life for the next 9 months

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 8:21 pm

Oy, op, I really feel with both you and your daughter. Being 15 is hard. Being treated like that by your dd is hard too. I've been in both places.

I've also been 15 with a pregnant mother and I was very resentful. Obviously, I have no idea what happened that led up to this. I imagine it wasn't out of the blue. Your dd must have very big, deep feelings that are overwhelming her.

Assuming you are a decent, healthy mother, I assure you she wants nothing more than to have a good relationship with you. You can still help her get it right. I would prob not say anything about what happened. She knows it was wrong.

I think you both need a cooling period for a bit. Then you need to think about how you want to proceed. Obviously, she doesn't get to decide your family planning. Maybe you can think about her and her needs. What does she not like about the fact that you're pregnant? Does she feel like you have no energy for her? Is she worrying about you focusing on the baby and not getting enough attention? Try to see if you can really break it down and see if you can figure out her need and meet it for her.

Your daughter knows that what she did was totally unacceptable. I mean, forget about kibud av v'aim, adults just don't do that. So it's surely high time to work on that overall, outside of this incident.

amother

Emerald

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 8:21 pm

amother Turquoise wrote:

You don’t know the Halacha yourself.
There are numerous pre conditions for a Ben sorer.
Hardly anyone would qualify.

The halacha she's referring to has nothing at all to do with a Ben sorer, who's put to death before the age of 13. She's probably talking about "arur makeh aviv v'imo" "cursed is the one who strikes his father or mother". I don't know if the meforshim teach that he's chayav misa.

#BestBubby

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 8:22 pm

amother Turquoise wrote:

You don’t know the Halacha yourself.
There are numerous pre conditions for a Ben sorer.
Hardly anyone would qualify.

Ben sorer is not about hitting a parent.

You don't know the Halachah.

amother

Crystal

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 8:24 pm

amother Emerald wrote:

It says it in the pasuk.

amother

Cobalt

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 8:28 pm

amother Burgundy wrote:

It is very very normal for a teen to be angry that mom is pregnant. Especially a teen who's mom isn't managing well or does alot at home. No, teens don't get to make those decisions, but when parents decide to have another baby, they need to take in consideration all other children and the household in general. Parents often have babies for selfish reasons and aren't thinking about the needs of their other kids or household when making a decision.

amother

Green

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 8:34 pm

amother Snow wrote:

There is no excuse in the world for hitting a mother. And a15 year old, no matter how unsettled should be mortified for acting like this

OP I have no advice . But I’m someone who witnessed my sister hit my mother. She used to yell at my mother too. I was extremely traumatized by that behavior and especially that my mother just stood there and didn’t even do anything but cry . It made me feel so unsafe knowing my mother can’t protect herself , which meant she couldn’t protect me if needed. That’s how my teenage brain recorded that scenario.
I know this is hard for you , but you need to get help for yourself so that you know how to not only handle this difficult child but the fallout that could happen to kids who were begging her to stop and to calm down. They were probably terrified in that moment.
Where’s your DH in all of this?

amother

Slategray

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 9:36 pm

Op there's more to the story. If a child wishes her mother would die, its a lot more than hitting. The hitting was done on the spur of the moment from anger. The wishing for death is something she has been thinking/feeling for a while. I was a teenager that wished my mother would die. I refused therapy at that time. My mother went for therapy and it changed the dynamics. You must go for help.

TwinsMommy

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 11:25 pm

As someone who was abused as a child, let me just say, please don't ever hit back and please don't ever scream or yell. Hitting and screaming at them doesn't teach them not to hit and scream.

And from the other end, I have two children with autism like this. With lots of therapy and lots of meds, I've made a lot of progress with one of the twins----- she screams and mouths off a lot but RARELY hits anymore (she bit her brother three times on Friday but still, RARE). The other one----- well, I'm trying. Smile

What's her currency? Going to friends? A phone? New books? One on one time with you? Work with her currency. One of the reason my daughter is so tough is because whatever motivates her changes daily--- along with her autism she has ODD and ADHD. With a neurotypical child I might just answer the next time she asks for a ride to a friend "sure, but can we talk for a minute first about what happened?" Or she asks for money or a book or whatever---- "sure, absolutely but first....."