My daughter hit me

amother

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 6:10 pm

She is 15 years old and is mad at me for something for the last few days that at this point can't be changed. She came and out of the blue began screaming at me and kept coming very aggressively in my face telling me how much she wishes I would die. In the beginning I responded very calmly and just told her she needs to calm down and she's a acting a bit out of bounds. She continued and at some point threatened and almost sprayed me in the face with a Windex bottle. My other kids also told her she needs to calm down. She continued and at some point slapped me in the arm. Then I lost it and screamed at her that she needs to leave the house now. She went upstairs and then went to a friend. Where do I go from here. She's always been very intense and I can't say we have the best relationship .She's a regular bais yaakov girl with regular friends. Most people would be surprised.

amother

Pansy

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 6:24 pm

Read The Explosive Child. Read it again.

Make sure she has someone to speak to. Don't expect it to solve everything but she deserves a safe place.

Remember that as much as it seems like she consciously chose to hit you she did it out of desperation. It is not justified, not right, but it wasn't malicious and deliberate.

Hugs. These children pull more out of us than we know we had.

amother

Silver

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 6:29 pm

I think she's gotten her punishment for this incident. Don't bring it up. I would recommend a phone consultation with Rabbi Brezak. You can get info from his website. We did it when we were struggling with a daughter that age. It was definitely worthwhile.
As for therapy would she agree to go? Would you (and your husband) agree. Ideally you'd and her would need a couple of sessions together. This doesn't need to be long term. Things can and will change IY"H!! Just needs to be some really effort put in.

amother

Hunter

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 6:31 pm

She is only 15. Things can really turn around still.

I think you need to work with a therapist.

I think you might want to approach this as you know what, this isn't what I want for us let's get help. You go, she goes, be prepared to see her pov. A good therapist can help things get set straight especially if you and her are open to trusting the therapist.

amother

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 6:49 pm

She has definitely not gotten any punishment for this. I just don't know what to do. I don't think she would agree to go for any therapy. She just keeps coming downstairs to call me names... I can't even say I'm responding well any more. I'm just so done with this.

The reason why she's mad at me is because I'm pregnant. Really nothing I can do about that and honestly there is quite a few more months of this pregnancy and I just can't handle it.

mommy3b2c

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 7:00 pm

amother OP wrote:

You really need professional help. Go yourself . Start somewhere. Is she your oldest ? Youngest ? Somewhere in the middle ?

Does she feel like she has to take care of a bunch of younger siblings ?

No matter what, unacceptable but you need to start doing something . This won’t go away on its own .

amother

Cobalt

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 7:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

The reason why she's mad at me is because I'm pregnant. Really nothing I can do about that and honestly there is quite a few more months of this pregnancy and I just can't handle it.

Is she from the oldest? Does she do a lot at home?
I was the oldest girl from a large clan, alot fell on me at home. Once I hit my teens, I became so so so angry whenever my mother was pregnant yet again. I cannot describe how upset I was. I wanted to run away. My mother didn't validate or try to understand me at all.
OP, I'd say give her space, let her feel her feelings. I hope you did validate her and try to understand her & how she's feeling. When she has a calm moment, maybe take her out for ice cream or bring her home a treat & have a serious conversation with her that she's allowed to be angry and frustrated, but hitting a parent is never ever ok.
Does she usually lash out like this when she's upset, or only in the current situation?

amother

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 7:21 pm

She's the oldest but I don't have a large family and my current youngest is four. She helps out but not crazy. I have been having a hard time keeping the house clean since I got pregnant definitely not to a dysfunctional level. She doesn't like it messy so will clean up a bit but again nothing crazy. I actually think she's embarrassed to have her mother pregnant l. I'm not very old- in my mid-upper thirties She's friendly with a bunch of youngest/ middle children whose mother's are past having kids. She also thinks I'm not as fancy as her friends mothers ...
I don't think she will agree to go to therapy. Shes just mad and doesn't think she's doing anything wrong. I just feel lost.

amother

Cobalt

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 7:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

She's the oldest but I don't have a large family and my current youngest is four. She helps out but not crazy. I have been having a hard time keeping the house clean since I got pregnant definitely not to a dysfunctional level. She doesn't like it messy so will clean up a bit but again nothing crazy. I actually think she's embarrassed to have her mother pregnant l. I'm not very old- in my mid-upper. She's friendly with a bunch of youngest/ middle children whose mother's are past having kids. She also thinks I'm not as fancy as her friends mothers ...
I don't think she will agree to go to therapy. Shes just mad and doesn't think she's doing anything wrong. I just feel lost.

An angry stage is a typical teenage stage.
Start by getting therapy and hadracha for yourself & advice from professionals how to handle the situation.

amother

Crystal

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 7:24 pm

Why does she think she can hit you?

I feel that these things start way before the hitting stage. Does she walk all over you in general?

She needs to know in no uncertain terms that this behavior is NEVER acceptable, no matter what.

15 is way too old for this type of thing.

And yes, I have angry teens who say some pretty crazy stuff to me, stuff you wouldn't believe. Hitting a (pregnant) mother is still beyond the pale for that age.

notshanarishona

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 7:28 pm

Please get help. If nothing like this has ever happened in 15 years, I would be concerned that something external is going on to make her so aggressive. If this has happened before, it needs to be treated very seriously with consequences and loss of privileges till she acts menshlich.
Is she mentally stable? I would hope there is a therapist or psychologist involved but if not get one today

giftedmom

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 7:41 pm

I don’t agree with anyone who says this is even in the remote vicinity of normal. My policy in parenting is if I won’t take it from another adult I wouldn’t take it from my child. I need to always feel safe and respected as a human being by everyone in my environment.
That said, clearly there is history there. If she refuses therapy then you should definitely go to therapy yourself. And if you and your other children feel unsafe maybe she needs to live somewhere else for a while.

amother

Canary

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 7:43 pm

Did you ever have a heart to heart with her about life? Or expose her to other women being pregnant at your age? Do you have open convos? Does she look up to a Rebbetzin figure?

octopus

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 7:44 pm

Therapy!!! Absolutely!!! And it could take months to get an appointment but make the call!! If you live in Brooklyn you can call ohel or interborough. That's the "punishment." Although don't use that terminology. This behavior is completely unacceptable and you have to show her you are taking this very seriously and you are taking action. The first appointment is an intake and that's where you tell the therapist what your concerns are. I'm sure your daughter will want to say her side of the story if she knows you are speaking to someone. You can tell her that this behavior is so concerning you need to speak to a professional. If she would like her side of the story to be heard she can talk to the therapist at the first session after intake. And go from there.

octopus

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 7:47 pm

giftedmom wrote:

I agree with you. And when a red line like this is crossed , quick action needs to be taken. She has to understand how serious her actions were. And the fact that she's still screaming shows that she doesn't think it's that serious. She should be regretting, and shaking in her pants and she's clearly not doing that.

amother

Crystal

Wed, Aug 30 2023, 7:55 pm

Coming back to say that I want to empathize. Hugs! I know how horrible this type of thing feels, how demoralizing and terrifying. May Hashem guide all of you to a calm resolution! Daven for His help, and may your tefillos be answered.