Feeling like a failure

DreamerForever

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 5:09 pm

Op, you've gotten some great answers for your baby, can we talk about yourself for a bit?

I want to say that I remember so clearly being in your position with my first baby. Becoming a mother is a huge change, and for those with trauma-- it can really shake you up. Being insecure is so understandable, and so normal-- and I think that to a degree, every first time mother feels like she hasn't a clue what she's doing in the beginning, and that she's messing up.

If you come from a difficult background, this is so so much harder, so I want to applaud you for getting help, and assure you that by being in therapy, you are doing the best for your child by building a happier, more confident mother. As your confidence improves, you will see him start to flourish iyh.

My first baby was very difficult, and I blamed so much of it on myself. I worried tons about how I would be able to have more kids when I was clearly failing my single baby, and I remember how painful that was.
Bh today, this guy is thriving as he enters his teenage years. (He never crawled, and neither did 2 of his siblings, but he is very bright kah)

In truth, no mother is perfect, and every single mother makes plenty of mistakes. From your baby's point of view-- you are his entire world, and nothing is as divine and amazing as you. Perhaps if you look into his adoring eyes, and see that awe, it can help you to see that the two of you are destined for each other, and its ok to mess up a little. As long as your heart is in the right place, and you seek help when you need it; you will both be ok-- and even the mistakes you make are part of his destiny, hard as that may be to accept.

Although I struggled with depression and anxiety through the years, I will say that my babies after the first were easier, and I was way calmer because I felt more confident in my role. Kids get easier to care for as they grow up, and many 'baby' issues do disappear as your child matures.

Last edited by DreamerForever on Sun, Jan 07 2024, 5:11 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Dimgray

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 5:36 pm

A few suggestions, I've had kids with motor delays and who didn't gain weight. My first wasn't 17 pounds until she was almost a year and a half! And she didn't walk until she was almost 2.

You said your baby sits and plays all day. That's great- playing is a good sign. However, some babies who sit all the time don't get the skills they need to crawl - they need to be put on their back or tummy more (and if they sit up themselves, they need to be encouraged to be on their tummy or back). My 10 month old crawls on her stomach but doesn't sit yet - every baby is different. She goes to physical therapy once a month to help and we do exercises and she is improving. My oldest also went to physical therapy and she is now in school and you'd never know she had a delay.

As for weight gain and eating. You 11 month old eats about what my 10 month old eats, so that sounds normal. My 10 month old isn't gaining either recently, she weighs 18 pounds, so similar weight. When my oldest really wasn't gaining, we went to a baby nutritionist, she was amazing. She said that all food needs to have fat and protein in it. SO no plain fruits or vegetables. For fruit, mix in a bit of yogurt or cottage cheese. For vegetables, mix in a bit of thin techina or or mayo or olive oil or salad dressing. To carbs, add butter or cheese or cottage cheese or nut butters (if no allergies). Etc. Or add lentils or similar. Baby cereal with milk or formula; oatmeal has higher protein than cream of wheat or rice cereal or cornmeal.

As for the sleep, it sounds hard! If you aren't ready for harsh sleep training, look at sleep training with no or minimal crying (e.g., no cry sleep solution by Elizabeth Pantley). Or get a sleep training coach who uses gentle solutions. The fact that you are up every hour is also affecting your mood and self esteem - sleep I just as important for you and for baby. SO make sure to do something to help baby and you sleep. Can you and your husband switch off? IF the baby is still in your room, consider moving him to his own space where he may sleep better.

You sound like such a caring mother. Wieght gain and development are not up to you. Feeding your baby and rocking your baby and giving your baby playtime are up to you and it sounds like you are doing great.

If you are in Israel, I can refer you to great professionals for your baby (and for you if you want. confidentially. I have PPD also and I finally got help and I feel so much better).

amother

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 8:25 pm

amother Dimgray wrote:

Thank you for all the suggestions!
In regards to tummy time, he screams every time I put him on his stomach. And I can't handle hearing him cry like that so I pick him up. Which is probably why he doesn't crawl 😬

amother

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 8:26 pm

DreamerForever wrote:

I so needed to hear this right now.

amother

Butterscotch

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 8:47 pm

It’s hard with your first. It’s really important to feed him at night especially if he is underweight.
At 11 months old he needs 3 meals a day as well with nursing and or formula still being the main source of nutrition.
Don’t listen to all those that say to CIO or sleep train. The main thing is to be there for your baby and when he wakes up in middle of the night to feed him as he is underweight. Many babies take in their caloric intake at night and you want to give him what he needs. Best of luck!

amother

Celeste

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 9:09 pm

Lots of good info already in this thread, but I'll add a few points:

PPD can be up to 1 year after birth. There are many variants of it, like postpartum anxiety (PPA) and postpartum PTSD. It definitely can't hurt to be evaluated. I also highly recommend the book Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts and all the other books by Karen Kleiman. It is really really hard to function when you are not getting long stretches of sleep, so it makes sense that you're feeling very down on yourself.

A pediatric GI can be very helpful - my nephew wasn't gaining weight and went to a pediatric GI, he then gained as much weight from 6-8 months as he did from 0-6. He was put on medication for the problems that were making him lose weight and was put on a very calorie-dense diet, eating foods like chopped liver and avocado and formula with rice cereal added in.

Also my nephew went to early intervention and caught up so quickly, after just 2 PT sessions he is crawling and pulling to standing. Someone just had to show him what to do and then he learned quickly Smile

As previous posters said, highly unlikely that your parenting is slowing your child's development. The most important things are that you make eye contact with you baby, make faces at him, talk to him, and snuggle with him. Also developmental delays often happen if a child is born early or has a traumatic birth, not sure if any of that applies in your case.

newinbp

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 9:10 pm

amother OP wrote:

Let's say with the sleep aspect - people say it's because I need to sleep train. Emotionally I feel like that's too hard for me. I grew up with alot of abuse. So leaving my baby to cry is so difficult.
But then I tell myself I'm probably crippling him.
But it's not just with sleep I tell myself that. It's every area where I feel like he would be better off with another mother.

There’s a book called the nurture revolution written by a phd neuroscientist and mother. It was referred to be by a clinical therapist. It talks about how we today are a low nurture culture, and the best thing is to follow your instincts and comfort and nurture your baby. So if comforting them every hour if he needs it, and he is young, don’t feel bad. Sleep training is not following nature and you are doing what your baby clearly needs.
Hatzlacha with everything!

amother

Butterscotch

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 9:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

About therapy- my baby also has huge fear around strangers (which I also feel is my fault 😭)
Anyone have any experience with taking their babies for OT/PT in such a case? I imagine my baby will be screaming the whole time uncooperative around a stranger.

It’s not your fault at all. Stranger anxiety is so normal. Just stay with your baby the whole time and hold him if necessary. You can do tummy time on your body if he doesn’t like the floor lay him on your chest. You can go down on the floor to look at him when he is on the floor on his tummy to make it easier for him. Let him move around on the floor a lot and don’t leave him in a car seat, swing, doona or another baby container for more then a few minutes.

amother

Tulip

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 9:20 pm

amother OP wrote:

No one 😬 not even my husband or therapist. I think I'm too ashamed to admit that I'm having such a hard time.

You are so normal! Having a hard kid as a first is extra difficult because you second guess yourself. My first was very difficult- a bad eater (12 oz a day at times, but never underweight/ gained nicely… go figure!), constipation, colic, ear infections etc.

So many ppl told me to do this and that, I felt so broken because my kid was so much harder/ less happy than everyone else’s.

Now that I have three I see hashem really gives them each their stuff and I basically support them through it. At that age I really am not causing much (assuming no abuse bh)

amother

Tanzanite

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 9:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

I've been feeling really low lately. My baby is 11 months old. Doesn't crawl. Doesn't like to eat. Is very underweight and isn't gaining even with all the doctors suggestions. Wakes up every hour on the hour at night and I rock him back to sleep. I feel like I'm failing him as a mother and I'm constantly exhausted.
Everyone is giving me advice telling me how not normal this is and what I need to do differently.

If it's so hard now, how am I going to manage parenting as he gets older?
Am I alone in this?

This sounds extremely difficult. My heart goes out to you Heart

Questions if you don’t mind me asking…

Is your baby on reflux medicine and if so has the dose been adjusted as he has gotten older? I very strongly asked my baby’s doctor for reflux medicine even though she wasn’t losing weight because I saw she was uncomfortable and didn’t want to eat. I saw a change after half a week on medicine. The dose needs to be increased as the baby gains weight.

Has he been testing for allergies?

Has he been testing for iron deficiency? This can cause poor appetite and poor weight gain.

Has he been evaluated for lip/tongue/cheek tie by a pediatric ENT or specially trained pediatric dentist? (Even if pediatrician says they don’t see any ties. Not all are easy to see).

These are all issues that can affect feeding.

This needs to be addressed before you get him evaluated by PT for the crawling.

Sleeping can be tied with eating and general discomfort related to the above issues I asked about.

amother

Tanzanite

Sun, Jan 07 2024, 10:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

I relate to you on this. I couldn’t sleep train my first because he was soo uncomfortable it was a nebach on him for him to cry himself to sleep. Especially since I was always concerned he was hungry or uncomfortable. I myself was emotionally neglected growing up and I had many cries alone in my room to myself. I used to get transported back to that time when I heard my babies cry. I’m sensing some postpartum depression feelings in your last sentence. Which seems completely understandable given the sleep deprivation and difficulties you are going through.