PSA: Dont ever miss a childs performance for anything!

amother

Tuberose

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:04 pm

amother [ Ivory ] wrote:

And what about the child’s resentment? Why does your resentment come first?
Also, you are showing your child that your friends come before her.

I guess we don't see eye to eye on this.

In general in life, my policy is first come, first serve for my time. Once I make a commitment, I try to stick to it, and not change it, except for very important things.

If a child of mine was performing, that date would be on my calendar. It would have to be an extremely unusual getaway to justify cancelling on my kid.

However, if I was planning a trip with friends, that would also be on the calendar. If the school planned a choir two weeks in advance, once my tickets were already booked, it would take a lot for me to back out at that point.

And if I'm taking a trip with friends, it's for ME, not because I consider my friends more important.

If I was going to a friend's son's Bar Mitzvah instead of my child's performance, yeah that could be a problem. I don't see a planned getaway with friends to be the same thing.

Nu, I've never been known as a perfect parent.

amother

Camellia

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:09 pm

Yeah, the DH’s brothers were there so obviously the family cared.

There’s a lot of overemphasis here about mothers needing to literally go to a performance while they’re still bleeding from an operation or hobbling after a birth. I mean, kudos to all of you but this is crazy.

It’s nice we treat our children like they’re important but NO they don’t always come first. Sometimes other things take priority. I think it’s also an important life lesson.

I honestly don’t remember any of my graduations or performances and whether my mom was there.

amother

Smokey

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:13 pm

And my mom came to every performance but wasn’t there for me in any other way.
🤷🏻‍♀️
She would tell you, “today’s generation!! Everyone is abusive by today’s standards! Parents can never win!”

And I’m here to tell you that love wins. If a child feels loved by their parents it won’t matter if the parent missed a performance for an important reason.

amother

Tuberose

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:20 pm

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

This is the hard part. I daven that my kids will feel how much I love them. Because I do love each of them more than they could ever imagine.

Iymnok

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:31 pm

The Israeli ganim my children go to have one end of year event with mothers. Everything else the mothers send something.
The girls siddur party is in the evening.
The boys Chumash mesiba is in the evening.
The bat mitzvah event is in the evening or a melaveh Malka.
The alef Beis party is a Friday morning.
All the siyumim at in class without parents. The kids bring something special.
There are never Chanukah events to attend.
If they join a a drama or dance chug, then I go to the performance at the end.

This constant midday events is not nice.

notshanarishona

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 11:29 pm

Honestly, if this is his biggest childhood trauma, then his parents must have done a great job and he needs to get over it. A wedding is (hopefully) once in a lifetime event. No comparison to school plays, graduations, etc. which happen every year or two.

shabbatiscoming

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 11:33 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Did you ever miss a childs performance? And if so what was your reason?

My DH is still traumatized many years later his parents (and grandparents) missed his Chumash seudah because of a wedding overseas. He doesnt remember if she spoke to him about it before or if she spoke to him after about it. All he remembers is that she missed it and how bad he felt scanning the crowd whos there that he knows and only finding 2 young single brothers.

I havent read any of the replies, just your op, but this is way out of line OP. If this is the trauma your husband is remembering from at least 20 years before (im assuming) then thats something that he has to work on and figure out why davka this specific event is so traumatic to him.
Not all parents are able to come to all of their children's events.

And I would very much assume that his parents explained to him that and why they would not be at this school event. If he was at the event, he knew they werent coming as someone else brought him there.

champion

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 11:56 pm

My mom made it her priority to come to all of our events and we are 11 in total. But for one sister she missed an event that she did not realize was important since she was 4 days after birth. She didn't grow up in the culture she was raising us in, and did not 'chap'.
My sister was traumatized, but not from this accurance only. My mother has a complicated relationship with us and there are many other issues as well.

Your OP is very black and white and life is much more nuanced than that.
Surely you can recognize that NEVER missing ANYTHING EVER is not reality based.
Ilness, births, and emergencies happen and when approached properly children can actually grow and mature from these things.
I would reccomend you help your DH explore his relationship with his mother rather than creating unrealistic parenting rules. All else being equal, he will probably discover that there was more going on between him and his mother all the years.

amother

Gold

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 12:21 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

OP.

My school had a ridiculous amount of events. Basically every teacher who cared, staged something. Other students ans teachers were mostly in attendance. I don't think I told my (single) mom about half of them. She had to work.

When I was in middle school there was a show that I wrote the entire script myself and was a part of the acting team. On the night of the performance my mom had extremely high blood pressure, she made me stay home to clean the house and call an ambulance. I missed my own show.
THAT hurt. But I can't see what could have been done differently.

amother

Powderblue

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 12:25 am

amother [ Gold ] wrote:

I understand calling an ambulance. Why did she have you clean the house??

amother

Gold

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 12:30 am

amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:

I understand calling an ambulance. Why did she have you clean the house??

For the paramedics. Don't worry we lived in a studio. I just vacuumed one room. I still has to stay to open the door for them

HonesttoGod

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 1:02 am

I think there’s a huge difference between a chumash Seudah and a run of the mill performance.
I find that with girls they have performances every other month kindergarten through 12th grade.
Boys don’t. For most boys chederim the chumash Seudah is THE highlight of their elementary years. I do find it strange that both parents would miss it. It’s something planned a good couple months in Advance if not more and if there’s a wedding on the same day personally I’d say one parent should go ans the other stay.

If it’s really unavoidable, send someone else instead. By one of my sons chumash Seudas one of his classmates moms had just given birth so she sent her sister and mother instead ans everyone sent loads of videos to her.

I do get your husband op but 20 years on I think most of the hurt should’ve gone. That he remembers they weren’t there fine but to still be mad about it? Hmmm.

salt

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 1:09 am

Iymnok wrote:

Evening performances are more convenient for working mothers. Not necessarily more convenient for mothers who have little kids at home and need to bring a babysitter for bedtime.

But anyway, even if the schools are as accommodating as they can be, there may always be an emergency situation, illness, birth, wedding abroad, etc.
It's ridiculous to say "NEVER miss...".

moonstone

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 1:17 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I agree with all of that. OP, I think instead of a no-exceptions blanket statement of "Never miss a child's event!" - which parents sometimes need to miss and 99% of adults don't even remember if their parents were there (I certainly don't), it sounds like this is something your husband needs to discuss with a therapist if he is so bothered by this even as an adult.

The PSAs seem to be popping up a lot lately.

ora_43

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 1:25 am

I guess "traumatized" is going the way of "triggered." Can we not have serious words anymore?

Look. OP, I'm not judging your dh for having an upsetting childhood memory (not "traumatizing," for goodness' sakes, unless maybe he was shaking and sobbing as he recalled this...). It's legitimate for a kid to be upset by that.

But it's absurd to assume that if someone has an upsetting childhood memory, that means their parents did something wrong. Sometimes reality is upsetting. In this case, there were two genuinely important events, and the parents had to pick one. That's reality. (And frankly, a much much softer reality than what many kids grow up with.)

And no, the lesson is not that the child's wishes must come before literally everything else. That's the path to raising a child who will be actually traumatized when things go wrong in life. Davka the kids who are taught, "I love you, I wish I could be there, but sometimes there are things I have to prioritize over your (birthday/ school play/ camp visiting day/ whatever)" are the lucky ones. One upsetting memory is a worthwhile trade for the understanding that reality stinks sometimes, and life goes on anyway.

chanchy123

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 1:26 am

Iymnok wrote:

Not entirely my experience. I discovered once when I could take a day off (maybe I was maternity leave, I don’t remember) that when DD said ask the mothers come to school plays/ceremonies during the school day she was pretty accurate. Turns out most of the mothers came to see the third graders do a Rachel Imenu play or takes Yom hazikaron. I was shocked.

GLUE

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 2:18 am

Performance has to start on time

Here I am taking time off work, working hard to make it work and then they don't start because One or two mothers are not there. Why are they punishing the mothers who worked so hard to make it there on time?

amother

Darkblue

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 2:27 am

Trauma doesn't develop because a child felt sad or disappointed or let down. Trauma develops when they had to navigate those feelings alone. It's ok that our children will inevitably encounter sadness or frustration, to prevent it from becoming lasting trauma, our job is to be with them in those feelings and help them through it.

amother

Cornsilk

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 3:20 am

When I was in second grade, my mother had a newborn who needed surgery and she missed one of my performances. I remember the teacher announcing to everyone to clap extra for me since my mother couldn't come because she was in the hospital with the baby who had just had surgery.
I don't think I'm traumatized but I do remember it.

I went to my daughter's birthday party, which was a whole performance with singing and dancing, 2 weeks after birth and it was really hard for me. I had no one to leave the baby with so I brought her along and the music was loud and there were lots of germs and I was pretty uncomfortable the whole time.
Afterward, the teacher asked how old the baby was and felt terrible that she had made me come 2 weeks after birth.