She is just plain obnoxious!

amother

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 11:39 pm

So she told me later that she doesn't think she should go to camp this summer because she "doesn't think I'll manage". I thanked her for her opinion. She kept hounding me about it as I was making supper and I had nowhere else to go, asking if I agree with her or not. I told her a few times that her opinion has been noted, then finally told her it's something I've already taken into consideration and thought about. She asked again and I finally told her it's enough already and thankfully she stopped.

Eisheschayil123

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 12:11 am

I have a 16 year old daughter as well and can relate to your situation 100%! OP please remember that you are trying to relate to your daughter and make her feel like you get her! When she knows you understand where she is coming from and you empathize with her you will notice that slowly but surely the anger will subside and you can build a relationship with her. She sounds like she is struggling with something and in the world today this is commonplace. I don't want to be cliche but it is really true "HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE " Try to get to the bottom of the issue.( not intrusive, but more just teasing it out from what she's saying).Once you can talk to her and connect she might open up to you about her issues. Connecting to our kids is crucial to their well being, now and in the future. She needs you on her team while she goes through these turbulent years. We want our children to know we have their backs in whatever they are going through. I hope this was helpful.

imaima

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 12:37 am

amother OP wrote:

I think other mothers who have teen girls with younger kids will understand this aspect of raising multiple ages. It's very much par for the course. I'm the one who ultimately buys the clothing, but I do take their opinions into account. The issue is more about her thinking she has the right to assert herself over me once I've already made the final decision.

I am in this situation. I have answered above what I would have said.

imaima

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 12:45 am

amother Aster wrote:

people here are saying its normal teenage behaviour. I don't really think so. Yeah, teens can be obnoxious, but this seems over the top. Honestly, she seems so narcisistic, It needs to be nipped in the bud or she'll be the kind of wife that destroys her dh and kids when they don't agree with her.

OP basically delegated an entire area of parenting to this dd, but this dd (rightfully) assumes that responsibility comes with rights. The line between participating and taking over is very blurry here. OP needs to reclaim this area of parenting back or at least claim that she is about to do it, to show everyone who is mom and who is a child.

If the teen dd is embarrassed to be seen with the younger dd in nerdy clothes, then I would say: No problem, You don’t have to take her anywhere anymore. I will spare you the embarrassment“.

Last edited by imaima on Wed, Jun 14 2023, 12:50 am; edited 1 time in total

imaima

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 12:48 am

amother DarkCyan wrote:

This. I'm the poster with a similar daughter to OP. I worry about her future family for this reason.

Yes
People need to call out tjis behavior and explain it back to her. Bit it will never happen if OP doesn’t reclaim her parenting role. Including the responsibility for dressing the little dd. At least for a bit.
Dressing the little dd is a privilege that gets lost if the teen dd is disrespectful

imaima

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 12:49 am

amother OP wrote:

She wanted to know the answer!!! She probably has these conversations with friends who goes where. Do you realize it?

Stop acting as a victim. This is a simple information she wanted to hear from you

amother

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 12:57 am

imaima wrote:

No, she didn't want to know an answer. She thinks she's the only one who can run the household. It's not the first time she's saying something like this and I've already told her previously that I can manage fine and she's going. You seriously think she's having a conversation with her friends that her mother can't manage so she doesn't think she should go to camp?

Mayflower

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 1:02 am

amother OP wrote:

Why didn't you just answer you'll manage just fine, but thank you for thinking of me. The end. The way you answered her makes it sound like indeed, you'll have a hard time managing without her .. Don't give her that power.

imaima

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 1:10 am

amother OP wrote:

I assumed they are discussing which camps everyone is going to. My dd does.
So she may want to know if she is going in one or not.

If that’s the way you describing, I would keep saying that you have already had that conversation. Now I am confused why you told her that „you will think about it“ when you already talked to her about it before. There is nothing to think about

amother

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 1:13 am

imaima wrote:

What are you talking about? Camp starts in less than a month. Of course she knows which one she's going to and that it's finalized.

I didn't tell her I'll think about it. Where did you read that? I thanked her for sharing her opinion. Literally. "Thank you for your opinion". Then "your opinion has been noted." Then "I have already taken this opinion into consideration when making my decision."

Iymnok

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 1:41 am

amother OP wrote:

She is so classic and it’s annoyingly adorable!
She is so sure of herself and so sure that you (the experienced adult) can’t manage without her!
You must be doing something right if she has such confidence in herself Cool

WhatFor

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 2:38 am

amother OP wrote:

So I'm inclined to generally agree with others who mentioned boundary issues and maybe some enmeshment in terms of parenting.

But I actually think you handled this just fine, not sure why posters are criticizing you for it. Yes, op could have assured her daughter she could handle it, but as an initial matter, given the history, this would be getting into the same boundary breach. Op doesn't need to discuss with her daughter whether or not she can handle parenting. The first step to asserting parent/child roles is to stop treating her like a buddy. Secondly, I have a feeling, again given the blurred boundaries, that had op responded with anything, even with "yes", dd would've taken that as an invitation to discussion about whether or not op could, in fact, handle it.

Op, for the big picture, you might benefit from seeing someone about this for yourself. The dynamic you have is there for a reason that you probably want to work out. Maybe your parents were the same, or maybe your parents were the exact opposite in a bad way and you wanted to do things differently, or maybe completely different reasons. Either way, even in your first example, telling dd that you got clothing because she said to, points to something bigger going on. It doesn't mean it's anything major, but it usually takes work to change a pattern. Even though this past example seems to have worked, it's likely to get tricky again at times (and sometimes temporarily worse when you're trying to change a pattern) so you'd probably be best off with real life professional guidance, at least initially.

amother

Oxfordblue

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 5:41 am

amother OP wrote:

To me the red flag here is the repetitive "your opinion " you're the mom, OP. You're not checking in with her about her "opinion ". If she is stating that she is concerned if you will manage, take it at face value and say: I really appreciate your concern. That's so considerate. I've already made my decision to send you to camp and I'm sticking with it.

End of convo.

amother

Forsythia

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 6:07 am

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

Yes. Her opinion when it comes to how you parent or run the household, does not matter and will not be taken into account. She should be very very clear on this. And find places where her opinion does matter and ask her for it then

DVOM

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 6:35 am

amother OP wrote:

Oh boy!

If she brought this up a few times, I'd give her my full, undivided attention and get curious:

Sweetie, you've brought up my managing while you're away a few times. I'm going to be just fine without you. I'll miss you, but I know you'll be having a wonderful time. I love how much you help around the house, but I'm perfectly content with the house being a bit messier, the food being a bit simpler, bedtime being a bit later, the kids being bathed a bit less frequently (whatever she helps with). It seems like because I've accepted so much help from you, you've begin to think I can't do without it! Let me say again, you've got nothing to worry about. Me and dad will be totally fine while you're away. I've tried reassuring you, but you still seem worried. Is there something else going on over here? Are you nervous about going to camp? Navigating the social scene there? Are you concerned about missing the family, your siblings? Being away from home for a long time is a big deal! It would make sense if you were a drop anxious. I just want to let you know that you can talk to me about any feelings you might be having about it.

If you don't think she'd be able to sustain a conversation, write her a note.

And if she brings it up again, put your arm around her and say, looks like you need a drop more reassurance. Your going to be just fine in camp, and I'm going to be just fine at home, and before you know it we'll all be home together again.

amother

Acacia

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 7:55 am

OP, it could be she said she doesn't think you can manage without her to get a reaction out of you. But it could also be that she doesn't think the house can function without her.

That's a very sticky place, you really want to avoid her feeling that way.

The fact she made the comment might prompt you to reassess the extent to which you rely on her for household things and whether changes should be made.

amother

Azalea

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 8:11 am

You need to very calmly say thank you for your opinion and then just continue doing you. I give my teens opportunities to share their thoughts but I don’t let them dictate my life. I got a new thing for my house and I couldn’t decide between two things, I asked my teens which one they liked better and they were so happy to give their opinion. There are healthy ways to include them at this all knowing stage. You are getting too emotional about it and you are allowing her to dictate way too much.