Fasting today? Insane

NechaMom ↓

Thu, Jul 06 2023, 5:42 pm

amother Bone wrote:

I'm wondering what other mitzvot I don't have to do because doing them will make me a bad mother. Or even just - I'm looking after kids. Isn't that why women are patur from mitzvot aseh shehazman grama? Since when does that make us patur from a lo ta'aseh?

Maybe I'm a little jaded, but rabbanim have become a lot more lenient in the last 25 years when it comes to women. Whether it be fasting, going on BC, whether a typical gyn exam makes one a niddah, what is considered a chatzita for mikva etc.. It makes me wonder if rabbanim now-a-days are told by the powers that be to be as lenient as possible when a woman asks for a heter. You can say that that's not our problem, but I think it is. We are looked upon as weak, fragile creatures (emotionally more than physically) and it's not a compliment.

There’s no question that ours is a weak generation both physically and emotionally. Who is trying to deny that? Rabbonim are going along with the times, and I think it’s a good thing! If anyone wants to be a martyr and never take a heter for anything they can do so. But no reason to feel good about being a martyr and knocking those who got a heter. You don’t know other people’s struggles and whom Hashem is more proud of. It’s not always the way it seems.

amother

↑ Bone ↓

Thu, Jul 06 2023, 5:50 pm

taketwo wrote:

As a seminary girl I was given a heter not to fast just because I was on antibiotics.

Women would rather be a martyr than just ask. It's not like Tishabav and YK. If you don't have 100% strength you just ask.

You are conflating two different things. If you require antibiotics, something is wrong with your body and your body gets even more worn down when on antibiotics. Yet if you don't have 100% strength, you should ask for a heter? A person is incapable of fasting unless they feel 100%?

A lot of rabbaim may be hesitant to ask a woman exactly what her situation is. They may feel that if a woman is asking, she must be in great need, so they give the heter. And a woman who is at 95% strength or 90% should be able to fast without any negative ramifications.

↑ NechaMom

Thu, Jul 06 2023, 5:58 pm

amother Bone wrote:

You seem judgemental though. Why not let everyone judge for themselves how capable they are to fast and if they prefer a heter?

Ema of 5 ↓

Thu, Jul 06 2023, 6:01 pm

amother Clover wrote:

I'm not fasting today (pregnant), but she's only saying the truth.

It's also different if you're litvish, chassidish, etc. Everyone should follow their rav and minhag.

My mother fasted every minor fast when pregnant. I don't really understand how or why she did that.

How can she be saying the truth? There is a whole entire group of women who, beshita, don’t fast. Are they not mourning? They are not necessarily pregnant or nursing or even sick. What about those for whom fasting is easy? They are not suffering. Mourning and fasting are not equivalent. Not everyone who mourns is fasting and not everyone who fasts is mourning.

Last edited by Ema of 5 on Thu, Jul 06 2023, 6:02 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

DarkOrange ↓

Thu, Jul 06 2023, 6:01 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

So, in our house, my husband does the majority of childcare.

I wonder how it would go over if he asked Rav if he could not fast because he is liable to snap at the kids.

My husband would definitely break his fast. Answering honestly. Unless of course, he would just go to sleep and ignore the kids...

In general my husband would break his fast if he has a headache or whatever.

amother

↑ DarkOrange ↓

Thu, Jul 06 2023, 6:03 pm

amother Bone wrote:

How many of you who have been married for 25 years got a heter before having even one child? Anyone? Don't respond if you got one for a medical reason. Now-a-days people get one for right after marriage - no medical reason required. Just ask and you shall get.

They didn't but maybe some of them should have? We learn from our mistakes.

amother

↑ DarkOrange ↓

Thu, Jul 06 2023, 6:12 pm

amother Bone wrote:

I'm here on ima quite a few years. I've read countless, countless threads of women writing about all kinds of dysfunction they had from their mothers growing up. And unfortunately I've seen in real life, up close, some really horrific things. It is not a compliment to be strong if you let it all out on those around you. That's not being strong - that's being weak.

It takes courage to admit that we are human and we have limitations. That we are not perfect and that we cant actually do it all.

If the pendulum is swinging and Rabbanim are becoming more sensitive to women's limitations and emotional needs, I see it only as a positive thing.

I'm over fifty, for reference.

↑ Ema of 5 ↓

Thu, Jul 06 2023, 6:14 pm

amother Bone wrote:

Perhaps it was Taanis Esther or Tzom Gedalia or a nidche, or he was ill...

IMO, a problem with these threads, is that women read them and think that for various minor (read: non) reasons, they can break their fast. Even though they are supposed to ask, they don't, cuz someone here said they got a heter because of a headache.

Or, conversely, women come here and make other women feel bad or guilty for not fasting, when they have a valid reason.

↑ Ema of 5 ↓

Thu, Jul 06 2023, 6:23 pm

amother Bone wrote:

I got a heter before I got married. The multitudes of chassidish girls who don’t fast don’t have children. Please stop trying to be everyone’s rav. If you ARE a rav, please kindly remove yourself from this site. Assuming you aren’t, please stop asking everyone to answer to you.

Edit: I see I misunderstood. You were talking about birth control. I was on bc before I got married, for medical reasons. After we got married, I was told we didn’t need to ask as long as we were both in agreement that it was what we wanted.
I think birth control right after marriage is a wonderful option. Many problems that last for years start in that first year, often when the wife is pregnant or stressed about NOT getting pregnant. Let the new bride and groom take time to actually get to know each other and get used to each other.

Last edited by Ema of 5 on Thu, Jul 06 2023, 6:50 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Orchid ↓

Thu, Jul 06 2023, 6:38 pm

It's funny. There are a few posts on this thread about women here not needing to be martyrs and fast etc but it doesn't seem like anyone here actually feels that way.
I am fasting, I'm not nursing or pregnant. I do have a child under 2.
But I also fast when I am pregnant. That is what my Rav holds. BH I am a good faster (his answer would probably be different if I was not). Do I get a little cranky? yes. The occasional headache? yes. But I manage. I feel its the right thing to do.
Most, if not all, of my friends don't fast for various reasons. I don't judge them- they got a heter.
But why am I a martyr? Why can't the general non-fasting population acknowledge that us fasting folks are wonderful and special for fasting? But for some reason, it doesn't work that way...

amother

↑ Azure

Thu, Jul 06 2023, 6:48 pm

amother Orchid wrote:

I am surprised.
I have actually never heard of a pregnant woman fasting except for the 2 fasts

Isnt it a risk for the baby?

↑ Ema of 5 ↓

Thu, Jul 06 2023, 7:03 pm

amother Bone wrote:

As it should be. If a woman is going to a rav, he should trust her to know why she is coming. No woman should have to beg and go into extensive detail ever, except when trying to determine whether she is nidda or not.

Cheiny

Thu, Jul 06 2023, 7:04 pm

amother Wandflower wrote:

Until I had kids I fasted most fast days. Today I'm not pregnant or nursing but woke up feeling very dehydrated, it's insanely hot here & had a very stressful day yesterday. I went straight to drinking- can't say I don't feel guilty but I can't deal with dehydration right now.

That’s why it’s good to load up on Gatorade and water the day before.

↑ Ema of 5 ↓

Thu, Jul 06 2023, 7:08 pm

amother Orchid wrote:

You are not a martyr. Fasting all day in and of itself doesn’t make one a martyr. It’s not asking when they don’t feel well. It’s taking out your ill feelings (physical and emotional) on others when had you asked, you would have been told not to fast in the first place, or to break your fast. It’s fasting fasting fasting, at all costs, at the expense of others.

amother

↑ Orchid

Thu, Jul 06 2023, 7:16 pm

Ema of 5 wrote:

But there still seems to be, for some reason, a lack of respect for those who do fast.
Look at this thread for example. All the OP said was that shes a working mom, already tired and cranky and there are no encouraging- YOU CAN DO IT! posts.
Yes, maybe, if it's an extreme case and she is truly being a martyr she shouldn't fast. But what is she's just normal cranky and just needed some encouragement and empathy? Now maybe she'll walk away feeling resentful about having to fast (or resentful to her rav if she was instructed to do so)...

ftm1234

Thu, Jul 06 2023, 7:26 pm

My mother has an awfully hard time fasting. She never ever fasted besides yk and tb, and even on tb, she usually ended up breaking her fast by chatzos. I can absolutely say that I was affected by it. Bh, I have an easy time fasting, but I dread every fast day and have butterflies for days before because it reminds me of how sick my mother was. All the headaches, nausea, throwing up, nearly fainting etc etc. As the oldest, that also meant I had to take care of the little ones all day. It was really tough.

Just explaining how kids being affected should definitely be considered when asking a shayla.

amother

↑ DarkOrange

Thu, Jul 06 2023, 7:29 pm

amother Orchid wrote:

I am sorry if I came across that way.

I did not fast, and I am not pregnant or nursing. But I AM a terrible faster and I need to work, take care of my family etc which would simply not be possible if I were fasting today.

There is one poster who has kept saying, over and over again, that the reason women look for heterim is because we are a weak generation and if I would just be strong I would be holier. I don't think any of this is true.

I think it's amazing that you are fasting, and 100% doing the right thing (if you are able to without falling apart), I am sorry if I implied otherwise.

I was just trying to point out that people are different and if someone has a hard time fasting, it might not be the right thing to do, even if they are not deathly ill. Sorry if I came across wrong.

amother

↑ Charcoal

Thu, Jul 06 2023, 7:38 pm

ftm1234 wrote:

My 16 year old daughter is just like your mother. She starts vomiting at the end of a fast. I made her eat at 2pm today when she started complaining that she was dizzy and nauseous.