If someone asks “HOW MANY kids do you have?”…

amother

Sage

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 12:02 pm

zaq wrote:

Yes it is. It's called "small talk" and is used when people are just getting to know each other. Like Jewish Geography

Oooh my gosh I get so offended by Jewish Geography! It's not a 'not normal' thing but my particular situation makes it particularly embarrassing and awkward for me because I'm a gioress and by my married name you'd never know, until you ask me my maiden name, and where I grew up, and even if I manage to evade that, you ask me if I know so and so and so and so and so and so from where I lived last and I'm like noooooooooooo.......
So you know, a lot of noisy questions can be offensive or difficult.
But they could just be normal parts of life too.

zaq

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 12:27 pm

So what do you suggest as a getting-to-know-you topic of conversation for strangers who just met? Aristotle and Plato? Suppose one of you never heard of those guys? Exchange Divrei Torah? Suppose one of you isn't learned enough? The weather? How long can you discuss that? And how does any of these help you to get to know the other person?

Jewish geography is a mechanism for finding some point of commonality with a new person. There's no intent of winkling out anyone's deepest darkest secrets.

And for the record, it really isn't just Jewish geography. All people do this. They'll ask where you grew up, went to school, work, live, marital status, etc. etc. A friend of mine whose surname sounds Irish was asked by a college classmate what parish she comes from. New people want to get a handle on who you are so they can know how to talk to you.

it’s okay!

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 4:39 pm

zaq wrote:

I once met someone I hadn’t seen for a long time and I knew she went through some stuff so I wanted to keep the small talk really neutral. I started chatting about the weather and that we really needed the rain, and she answered, yeah, we’ll, I’m suffering from arthritis…

I realized that people can be offended by anything even if it’s not offensive.

amother

Arcticblue

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 4:47 pm

If someone has a large family, what should she answer?
Edited to add: to frum ppl.
I have no problem answering non jews, but when frum ppl ask, sometimes , I don't know what to say. I'm not afraid of ayin hara, I'm more worried about hurting someone's feelings

creditcards

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 5:00 pm

I feel that it stirs up more jealousy when you don't wanna answer, and it's quite rude. My mother used to not answer and I was always embarrassed with it. She taught me not to answer how many kids I have, but I do say. I don't feel it's nice middos to answer that way. Ayin Harah doesn't come from being nice to others. It's much more flaunty to say we don't count or whatever other evasive answer you have.

amother

Lightgreen

Thu, Jun 15 2023, 4:39 am

zaq wrote:

Saying "we don't count" can come off as either a rebuke or a boast. Neither one is calculated to put the asker at ease or to endear the responder to her.

Or both. I am married to the youngest child in his family and his siblings are much older and have many married children. I asked my Mil how many great grandchildren she has to try to make conversationabout something I thought she'd like. And she wouldn't say, just her stupid smug smile and said I don't count. I hate her. Can't have a conversation with her without her putting me down and showing how I don't know the "right" thing. For God's sake, I'm part of her family. There is nothing nice or normal or necessary about this.

amother

Zinnia

Thu, Jun 15 2023, 5:00 am

amother Seashell wrote:

I was chatting with a super nice lady at a bar mitzvah. And I asked her how many kids she had. She told me that she had one, and she had passed away in a terrorist attack. You cannot imagine how horrible I felt that she was a nice lady and did not make me feel bad at all. But since then, I’ve never asked anybody if they even have kids. I guess I became overly sensitive hurt others. It definitely taught me a lesson not assume that anybody had children. If I know for sure they have kids I might ask but if it’s just a casual conversation somewhere, I do not bring up kids.

Reminds me of the time I went to a frum woman's house. The fridge had pictures of kids, so I asked how many kids she had. It was a large number, I think 10 or 12. The woman was clearly at least 60, so next I asked how many grandkids she had. The answer was none! I was shocked, and also sorry for asking a question that had a difficult answer, even though it was so unexpected.

Laiya

Thu, Jun 15 2023, 5:28 am

amother Lightgreen wrote:

Can it be she actually doesn't count? At a certain point, if the number is high and changes often, it could be she really does not know the answer without having to calculate and go through each child.

amother

Ghostwhite

Thu, Jun 15 2023, 5:48 am

When meeting someone new it's impolite to badger them with questions in the name of Jewish geography. share a little about yourself and typically the other person will open up and give you an idea of who they are.

amother

Narcissus

Thu, Jun 15 2023, 6:03 am

amother Lightgreen wrote:

My parents wouldn’t know the number of grandkids either, and they also don’t count them to try to know. Bh it’s a lot probably close to 100 or maybe even more with the great grand kids. But I think everyone knows how many kids without having to think/count

amother

RosePink

Thu, Jun 15 2023, 6:14 am

amother Ghostwhite wrote:

Agreed. Most of us can quickly tell the difference between polite "getting to know you" chat and nosy intrusiveness. And sharing how many kids you have is pretty basic.

Chayalle

Thu, Jun 15 2023, 6:23 am

amother RosePink wrote:

Agreed. Most of us can quickly tell the difference between polite "getting to know you" chat and nosy intrusiveness. And sharing how many kids you have is pretty basic.

But if you don't have any, it's pretty painful.

amother

Cantaloupe

Thu, Jun 15 2023, 6:26 am

While I agree it is a basic question, it is very painful to those of us who don't have children yet. I have had people ask me this question, and I can noticeably see how uncomfortable they feel after (and they feel uncomfortable without me saying it in a harsh way, I just say I don't have any yet).

amother

RosePink

Thu, Jun 15 2023, 6:30 am

Chayalle wrote:

But if you don't have any, it's pretty painful.

It's painful to be asked what you do for a living when you're unemployed, too. Or anything about a spouse if you're widowed. Or where your child is in school if she's currently in rehab.

It's good to have a neutral answer at the ready in such cases. It's hard to believe that anyone wants to hurt a stranger's feelings.

singleagain

Thu, Jun 15 2023, 6:32 am

amother RosePink wrote:

I don't know why but this post just reminded me that someone said something at work like oh, how many children do you have or something? And I was like oh I have no children. I'm actually divorced and I just said it very matter of factly in the conversation moved on.

I mean yes, it's painful for me that at 37 this is still my life but something I had to learn to deal with because people are going to ask that I think by me not making a big deal out of it. It didn't make a big deal out of it in the conversation

Chayalle

Thu, Jun 15 2023, 6:50 am

amother RosePink wrote:

Sometimes it's smarter to chit chat in a way that leaves the conversation open to volunteering information rather than soliciting it. For so many reasons. Though I too have a neutral answer ready when I'm asked invasive questions, I try to be more sensitive when I'm the one asking.

amother

Strawberry

Thu, Jun 15 2023, 9:08 am

I guess when I meet all of youse at a simcha or whatever, please state that you're from imamother and I'll just duct-tape my mouth shut and not engage with you at all because G-d forbid I should ask an innocent question like, idk, where did you go to school and you'll be sooooooo hurt because you were homeschooled and are embarrassed about it, or because you dropped out of school when you were 14.

Let me know when you're all big girls. Quit crying over a pricked finger as if it were a broken bone.

creditcards

Thu, Jun 15 2023, 11:13 am

Chayalle wrote:

But if you don't have any, it's pretty painful.

It's painful but you can be mature about it. Just say, oh that must be so hard...why should all painful things be stuffed in the closet. I feel better talking about my painful stuff. Why should it be a taboo thing to talk about. Just normalize it. Whenever that happens I just normalize it. I don't need to get fazed that I by mistake made someone share their painful stuff. It's healthy to share.

amother

Green

Thu, Jun 15 2023, 11:16 am

creditcards wrote:

Well, I have to say, the times I've been forced to say "No, I don't have any children" are uncomfortable and painful for me. I don't care if the questioner feels uncomfortable but yes, it makes the rest of the day very hard for me and yes, I remember each and every time that happened to me. I'm in my 40s for reference. I find your attitude so callous.
BTW someone's arthritis and weather issues hardly has the same level of lifelong grief associated with it and to use that as an excuse why there's nothing wrong with asking certain questions that have a potential to be extremely painful is ridiculous.
And thanks for telling me that it's just my lack of maturity that's the problem here.