2 Yr old ds coming into our room at night. Help!

amother

Tue, Dec 29 2009, 8:44 pm

gold21 wrote:

Speakup, you lock your 2 year old into his room? That's your way of parenting him? Ok then the problem here is YOU, not him. What kind of sane person ignores a fire hazard just because its an easy way out of a parenting challenge? Parenting isn't supposed to be easy. Its supposed to be hard. I cannot believe you lock your kid into his room. You need some parenting classes and parenting books ASAP. We don't parent for the short run, we parent for the long run. It isn't important what makes your life easier now: what's important is what kind of adult will this 2 year old turn out to be, being locked into his room every night. !!

OP, I think its perfectly fine and wonderful for a child to see his parents, in pajamas, sleeping in the same bed. Its healthier when we are natural and laid back about things, and not obsessive. Just like when we are chilled out about toilet training our kids take to toilet training better, when we are natural about non-s-xual affection between husband and wife, the kiddies don't think twice about seeing it. Let's not exaggerate what a couple sleeping in the same bed/ giving kiss on cheek/ holding hands means. None of those things are necessarily s-xual. Of course its sick to be s-xual in front of a kid, but I think its just fine to be affectionate in a loving non-s-xual way.

That's pretty harsh. I took the advice of a child psychologist and had to lock one of my children in his room at this age because he could get seriously hurt on the stairs, which were not the kind you could gate. We made sure to have a monitor in our room so we could hear him if he woke.

Sometimes, parents are faced with a choice of 2 potentially dangerous situations, and you have to choose the one that is less dangerous.

gold21

Tue, Dec 29 2009, 9:16 pm

yeah I know my post was harsh, but that was my initial reaction to the thought of locking a little kid into a room, and as she put it, I am paraphrasing here: "maybe its a fire hazard...but it does the trick" ! I cannot see myself locking a kid into a room intentionally. I would sit upstairs with a book or my internet-phone until the child fell asleep.

octopus

Tue, Dec 29 2009, 10:17 pm

I agree with gold21. I would NEVER lock a child in his/ her room. Maybe the kid finally gives up and accepts defeat- but how traumatizing! If your kid is climbing out of a crib- you need to put him in a regular bed first of all. A child can hurt themselves climbing out. And the lock- I know of ppl who do this- and honestly, it horrifies me. To the amother who locked their child in b/c of the stairs- okay- there are always exceptions to the rule- you chose the lesser of two evils. Though I'm just curious what kind of stairs are impossible to put a gate on.

gold21

Tue, Dec 29 2009, 11:33 pm

honestly it does seem to be borderline abusive to lock a kid into their room. im glad someone agreed with me that its wrong. I was surprised that nobody responded to Speakup before I did. Speakup please reconsider. you are possibly damaging your child. you honestly wanna have a messed up kid one day? and amother with the gates issue, im willing to bet that your child psychologist was not a fantastic one, and that there are other options you could have explored instead.

amother

Wed, Dec 30 2009, 10:10 am

I just want to add that I do think there is something s-xual about sharing a bed. Even when fully clothed.

There is a reason why in the last generation of sitcoms they did not allow 1 bed. For example I think all shows before the Brady Bunch had 2 beds. There is a reason why they did not want viewers to see 1 bed in the master bedroom - because one bed means something.

If 2 boys were found sharing a bed together people would think there was something funny about...

I'm curious if the people who share a bed in front of their children saw their own parents doing the same. Or if it is something new in the frum community.

gold21

Wed, Dec 30 2009, 1:41 pm

Amother, but there is a diff between sharing a bed in front of a 3 yr old who isnt aware of s-xuality yet, and sharing a bed in front of a 15 year old teen. I dont remember my parents sharing a bed in front of me, maybe they did and maybe they didnt, thats cuz they probably wouldnt have done it if I was old enough to recall it. Young children only recall traumatic, deeply emotional, or unbelievably exciting, experiences: not day to day stuff.

amother

Wed, Dec 30 2009, 3:41 pm

preface: not bashing

it seems kind of sad to me that the minute one has kids they have to stop being affectionate to spouses in their own home. I know personally that if the bedroom was the only place my husband and I could show affection (even very mild) then I would be one unhappy wife. and to never share a bed ever because the kids might see? that also seems to be kind of sad. it would really take a big part out of a relationship. I would feel like Im really missing out on something very nice and sweet. waking up next to my husband is a really good warm feeling that I would resent losing just because I have kids.

amother

Wed, Dec 30 2009, 3:52 pm

amother wrote:

I'm the amother writing a lot.

We show a lot of affection in our house just not in front our kids. I feel it is very exciting - sneaking a kiss, hug, pinch, etc when the kids are out of eyesight. We are just careful that they shouldn't see. And we most certanly share a bed everynight when allowed, just with a locked door (and reminders to re-lock it after using the bathroom at night).

I'm curious at what age people would stop having their kids see them together in bed?

We stop when a child is old enough to talk - that is what we were advised by our rav.

amother

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 11:01 am

gold21 wrote:

I remember my parents sharing a bed and somehow it never became a s-xual thing to me. Even when I was a bit older in my teen age years and already new about that stuff, so to speak. It was something very nice to me. They were always dressed appropriately when I saw them. I didn't always see them in the same bed, but whenever I did I remember feeling good about it. It was like a little confirmation that they really loved each other and they loved me and my siblings. They would act a little silly sometimes when the kids would come in the room if it wasn't a school day and I always wanted a bit of that atmosphere for my children. And you know what? It's unbelievable how incredibly secure your children are when they see you really close with your spouse. I definitely do not think it's something that has to be stopped when the kids are older but it just has to be really kept appropriate.

saw50st8

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 11:28 am

Out of curiosity, what's the difference between locking a child in his/her room and locking them in a crib? Both accomplish the same function.

We have a gate in front of DS's door. We recently moved him to a bed and we found he needs the security of being enclosed, otherwise he can't sleep. His crib is now just bigger.

Our room is right next to it and we leave both doors open so that we can hear everything.

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Jan 10 2010, 4:00 am

for those that said to lock the door, as I have mentioned on many threads already, not everyone has locks on their doors and not everyone would lock their doors.

I dont know, but dont you find that a bit nasty to do to a child? I am assuming that if a child gets up in the middle of the night and makes the effort to get out of bed and find ema and aba's room, there is a reason for it and they need you.

I grew up in a house where the bedroom door to my parents room was always open. I am sure they closed it when they were intimate, but I have no recollections of them having the door closed (and I am the oldest of my siblings).