Making Pesach for the first time

amother

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 1:19 pm

I think lending out a guest room so that kids can be at their parents for seder night would be a great thing to do. But lending out a guest room for the entire holiday is a bit much - of course if you're OK with it it's a nice thing to do, but it seems like a lot to ask if there's no extenuating circumstance (like, the couple in question is visiting from a foreign country for the week and there's no hotel in your city).

The kids could go home Chol Hamoed if they want. All the people that asked the kids live less then an hour drive from us (depending on traffic). Some live in the same state and some live in a different state. If they go home they will have to clean their apartments. And what do they do chol hamoed about food?
I don't have a problem with the two days of yom tov. I just think its a long time to move into a strangers home for eight days. That means I will have to be dressed properly (not running around in pj's) the whole pesach and chol hamoed if I am downstairs in my kitchen, living room etc. Also, the guests will be walking in and out all times of the day. And how about all the towels to wash after yom tov?

Hashem_Yaazor

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 2:17 pm

amother wrote:

OP here. As of now it looks like we are staying home. Its a bit early for us to decide if we are having our own guests or not. We did not give any of our neighbors confirmation.
I just find its strange to ask people in December what there Pesach plans will be and that you should know how many extra rooms you are going to have. I think these kids should start making Pesach on there own if there is no room for them by their parents. They should just grow up!

Coming from the other side, my mother is BEGGING us to come to her for Pesach even though she doesn't have room for us (and no neighbors nearby where we can stay).
I am planning on staying locally this year but it's hard for her to accept that since she rarely sees us.
But when I go there, it's very stressful, and I decided it's just too hard with all the kids to make the trek.

It could be the kids DO want to make Pesach, but they are coming alst kibud horim who want to see them...

Hashem_Yaazor

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 2:22 pm

Health is a Virture wrote:

making pesach is a huge undertaking but the reason that I would love to go to my parents for pesach is because in my opinion pesach is all about family. "vhigadta l'vincha." it is about generations teaching the next generations about the story of pesach. if I had the option, I would love my children to be at my father's or father's in law seder and receive the mesorah from their grandfathers. I think that as long as the grandparents can make pesach and the children can come in, then it is so beautiful to be together with family for pesach.

I live in israel and so to travel to america is not really an option. My first year of marriage I lived in the States. We made our house pesachdig, but ate most yom tov meals by my parents and went to my in laws for the second half of pesach. after that, we have been making pesach ourselves, but every year around pesach time, I get homesick, not so much because of all of the work, but because we are not sharing it with family. and pesach is really all about mesorah and family.

(You didn't go home for Pesach in 2004?)

Hashem_Yaazor

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 2:25 pm

Our first year married, we cleaned and kashered our apartment for Pesach. Ate Y"T meals by my in-laws, and CH"M meals by us for first half, and then went to my parents the second half.
Subsequent years, we have gone to my parents because they want us there, but this year, I put my foot down and said it's just too much.
I hope to clean my apartment for Pesach. I'll see how much we kasher (if just stove or also oven, etc) -- for Y"T I plan on staying at my in-laws so we can participate in their sedarim and not have to walk back. Haven't gotten around to figuring out if we'll stay there all of CH"M or not...

Tova

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 3:04 pm

Sometimes with big extended family sedarim it is easy to lose sight of what's important...until everyones gets seated, etc. you lose a lot of the kids' attention span. The focus becomes Mah Nishtana and by the time you get to the ikkar, sippur yetzias metzrayim, everyone is tired and cranky.

Last year at the sedarim we made ourselves the kids were still little (almost 2 and almost 6 months) and my husband and I really focused on sippur yetzias mitzrayim with each other, asking questions, reading meforshim, etc. It felt like the "real deal." This year I am excited that my son will be nearly 3 and a ready kli and we can fulfill v'higadita l'vincha the way WE think it should be done.

I would be very happy to go to my parents for the day meals (15 minute walk away), but I am planning to have the sedarim at home.

[Does anyone remember one of the fictional stories in last year's Binah Pesach edition? Wife wanted to stay home for her kids' chinuch and husband wanted to go to the more modern grandparents?]

chocolate moose

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 3:23 pm

Tova wrote:

It's true. DH and I got an invite for the first days a few years back and it was a family whose kids we really liked ... but it's a big family and everything takes much much longer than it does by us.

By us, I light the candles the 2nd night and put the food on the blech and dh comes home and we have the seder. By our friends, she had to first start prepareing everything, while taking care of double digit kids, and we started after midnight. When we woke up, we were still fleishig !

My Shabbos/yomtov/Pesach is well prepared ahead of time, either frozen in Tupperware or in the fridge, marked. Hers is prepared as she goes.

skcomputer

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 7:19 pm

We started having my parents and in-laws to our house for at least the first days at about year 6 or 7 of marriage when we bought a house. It was a wistful experience to start making Pesach - it signaled a time that it got to be too much work for both my parents and in-laws, so it was our turn to take over. I remember when the same was true of my grandparents and my parents started taking over.

mummiedearest

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 7:31 pm

we cleaned our home from our first year of marriage. I cannot spend more than two days at someone else's home. I need my privacy. we made our own seder the second year we were married (we had set aside some wedding gifts to use for pesach, so we had a lot of stuff already) and invited seven guests. I was pregnant and hadn't told anyone other than my husband yet, but we managed. it was great. we always clean our home for pesach. I think we didn't make seder last year because we decided to split them between our parents, but I look forward to making at least one this year. there's nothing like sitting in your own home at your own seder.
just remember that pesach cleaning is not there to drive you crazy. don't spring clean, do that another time.

Rodent

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 8:45 pm

I've cleaned and done hol hamoed and the last two days at home since before I was married. I didn't do a seder until my 3rd year of marriage. And it was certainly an interesting experience. Why? Our oven had already broken and the stovetop broke also the morning before Pesah. It was a long weekend/public holiday so we couldn't get it fixed in time and we couldn't find any serviced apartments that had availability because of the holiday, also being school holidays, and being last minute. I'm a gioret, my husband's non-religious family live in the US and we're not in Jewish area so it wasn't so simple to just go to someone else. So we bundled up our food and the baby and got last minute flights to stay with my non-Jewish mother.

We ended up with about 3-4 hours in which we had to buy some cheap pots, knives etc and take them to the lake, disposable plates and cutlery. We kashered her oven. And we still made seder (with my mother in the next room watching tv, we did close the door in between). And you know what? It wasn't that bad! And we have Pesah pots etc there should we ever need them again!

The following year we were in the US (staying with someone on here actually) so we didn't make meals etc. Last year we did everything ourselves again and I did not find it hard but we didn't have guests. We had no light because of a last minute light fitting breakage so we put out a blanket and reclined on the floor with cushions to be close to the lights we DID have. It was really nice, felt very authentic Smile

Personally I think that most people go WAAAAY overboard with Pesah, it doesn't have to be that hard.

elmos

Sun, Jan 10 2010, 2:14 pm

I have cleaned every year I kashered my kitchen the last 2 years one only for ch"m last year for ch"m and the 2nd days yes its alot of work etc. but its what you make it out to be and you can do things in stages as far as lending a room if yu can its a wonderful thing. When my family made a simcha a few years ago not pessach we put up people by neighbors they asked my mother to have the guest bring linnen and towels to make it easier on them. My mother provided the stuff other people didn't mind wther it was a laundry issue or not enough I see nothing wrong with telling your neighbor if you want t lend the room please have them bring towel and or linnen you are entitled to not have enough to spare for a yomtov of 8 days when you can't do laundry.

EvenI

Sun, Jan 10 2010, 4:54 pm

There are cases in which the younger couples would prefer to make Pesach themselves, but their parents see it as family time and expect them to spend Pesach with them, either at the parents house or at the childrens' house. This is not by any means always about children who are afraid of hard work.

There are families in which the children are much frummer than the parents and the parents expect to spend seder with the children and also expect their children to rush through the haggada and spend all the time on the meal, and talk about everything but yetzias mitzraim. I have nothing at all against spending time with family, but I don't get why people think that davka the seder has to be for extended family. I would rather have a small seder and concentrate on the mitzvas of the night, and then spend other yomtov meals with family, or Shabbos Chol HaMoed or something,

I once went to a seder in which each little branch of the family, or even each individual, went through the haggadda at their own pace, with fathers going through the haggadda with their children, husbands with wives etc., in parallel with the grandfather talking to single kids. If a woman missed parts of the seder, she just went through it at her own pace. If an older child got through the seder fast, he would take the matzo etc. that he needed before the father was up to it yet, and start the seuda whenever he needed. That's not exactly for everyone, but it makes sense to me. You have the family atmosphere but you also have everyone fulfilling their chiyuvim.

And sometimes the parents really are in good health and have no children under feet and find it easier to make Pesach than the kids, and everyone is happy.

One thing I don't get here is what you are all talking about when you say that Pesach is NOT hard work. I love Pesach in my home, but I still find it way too much work and get very stressed from it.

shalhevet

Mon, Jan 11 2010, 2:46 am

EvenI wrote:

One thing I don't get here is what you are all talking about when you say that Pesach is NOT hard work. I love Pesach in my home, but I still find it way too much work and get very stressed from it.

I totally agree. But people here have all kinds of ways of making Pesach. Some have days and days of paid help. Some buy in ready made food. Some stay at home but eat out all YT meals at least.

Sometimes, a week or two before Pesach, I wouldn't mind giving away some of my zchusim for cleaning to a cleaner... but nothing beats the simcha shel mitzva in the end.

levial

Mon, Jan 11 2010, 9:22 am

I would say since this is your first Pesach at home you get to say "Oh, we've already got guests" (who may disappear by the time Pesach arrives) and not host anyone, unless it's just for sleeping, and they're quiet people Wink

. I do like to have a guest or two come for seders - otherwise it's DH reading the whole time and it isn't quite the atmosphere...

Pesach is not such a big deal to make, it's like Shabbat times 5 for us, just takes planning. My in-laws are already cleaning, believe it or not. But as a newlywed we went to a few classes the shul had about what the requirements were. Now we have a little income to pay someone hourly to help clean, and spread it out over 3 weeks. I am due erev pesach this year, so I will reap the benefits of past experience.

The hardest thing for me is to not over-buy. First year married, with no guests, I bought two boxes of Pesach cereal, two cases of matza, expensive sauces in a bottle potato starch for an army (never did make that cake recipe)...Now I focus on "just enough" matza (you can always buy an extra box); I don't plan the menu around replacing chometz. I can make baked chicken and potatoes just fine, no need to make pretend stuffing that's $6 a box and tastes like glue. I'm not a good menu planner but last year I wrote what I bought and then indicated how many people we had during the whole week; and what were the leftover items so I can weed it out this year.