My baby isnt happy unless I'm holding him.

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Infants

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bella123

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 5:57 am

My baby is 5 months old and I can't put him down for a second. It could be because he doesnt sleep enough but I really don't know how to change that. I have another child at home so I have to put him down quite often and the incessant crying is really getting to all of us. I used to try feeding him all the time ('on demand' I thought) but it made no difference; the second he's down he's crying again. I feel really ungrateful for complaining but I really don't know what to do and I'm sure it cant be uncommon. Any advice for me? TIA

Ruchel

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 6:12 am

It depends on you.
If you believe it's fine to hold him, hold him. If not, get him used slowly.

saw50st8

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 9:11 am

My son is like that (he is 3.5 months). I wear him as often as I can in a carrier. It makes us all happier and my hands are free.

He is in daycare now and they hold him a lot too.

ianaii

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 9:46 am

Hang in there I know it is hard!

Here are a few tips:

1) I find that babies can sense when their mother or father is nervous or fed up with their crying. This just makes them cry more. Try to be relaxed around him. Not like oh no when is this going to stop! Let him cry for 15 minutes then pick him up. After he calms down, set him down again. You might have to do this a few times in a row but it should work.

2) He is 5 months old. He is getting smarter. After a while of you letting him cry (not to the point of full fledged shreiking red faced) he will stop. My daughter would cry and cry early in the morning when she was 5 months old before it was time for her to eat. She eventually stopped when she noticed that I was ignoring her.

3) Try music in the background or even talking to him calmly. I find this sometimes works. A mobile is great too especially if he is tired.

I hope this helps! It is so common so don't feel bad!

chocolate moose

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 10:41 am

is he too big for the swing ?

sarachana

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 11:09 am

if you get him used to being held then that is all he will want... It will be hard at first, but put him down and let him cry and he will sooth himself. My baby would cry for a long time and she would see us and cry harder but then I started to let her just cry and cry and eventually she stopped. Now she sits very happily and does not expect anyone to hold her. I think of it like an addiction to being held...break the bad habit! Hope that helps.....

Hashem_Yaazor

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 11:17 am

Baby carrier...best solution ever.

Contrary to what people think, baby wearing doesn't mean your baby will always need to be held. Being held next to Mommy is a normal part of being a baby, a human (touch is incredibly important, and they like this closeness).
I wore my baby plenty to get things done keeping her close by, and she's incredibly independent now. She's 17 months old and people comment all the time how amazing it is that she can go and play by herself for an hour. (I'm not exaggerating. We all took naps on Shabbos. I lay on the couch thinking she would come lay down on the floor beside me, but no. She played from 1-2...I peeked through half shut eyes every so often, and I found her playing with a shape sorter that she later put back on the shelf, her dolls, riding a car, etc).
Looking at her as a baby, you would never guess she'd get out of clinginess, but keeping her with me I am confident gave her the security to go out on her own.
Now if she wants me to hold her when I'm cooking, I realize it's usually because she wants to see what is going on, and so I sit her high up to watch me...
But until she gained this independence, wearing her was a lifesaver. Hands free, no crying baby...at 5 months old, you can wear a baby on your back in a good carrier and still get lots of things done...

amother

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 11:21 am

Not everyone has the back for that... and you need as a frum woman to be extra careful since you'll have more children than average, and each pregnancy takes its toll.

Hashem_Yaazor

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 11:27 am

amother wrote:

Not everyone has the back for that... and you need as a frum woman to be extra careful since you'll have more children than average, and each pregnancy takes its toll.

Depends what carrier you use.
I'm not talking about a Snugli or even a Baby Bjorn.
I'm a petite person, and with the right carrier, the weight gets distributed so evenly, I don't even feel it.
(Yes, I can even wear my 3 year old on my back.)

fmt4

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 11:31 am

OP I have the same problem as you. Except being held is not enough, he also wants to be constantly entertained. Rocked, sung to, played with etc. He's only 3 months old and he needs constant attention! Baby carrier doesn't work at all. Swing works occasionally 'til he gets bored. It's so hard for me to get anything done, and I feel like I'm going to go nuts from all the crying, especially when I'm exhausted.

Marriedinisrael

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 11:50 am

I was about to suggest a good wrap- thanks Hashem Yaazor! Or a Mei Tai. That is, if you've decided that you want to hold him, but you feel that you can't.
A supportive carrier can be a woman's LIFESAVER. I can cook Shabbos, do laundry, grocery shop- all with my little one on me, and she doesn't cry a peep. Plus, she gets all that good touching and mom-baby interaction.

the world's best mom

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 12:26 pm

This sounds like my baby. He was only happy when I was holding him and paying attention to him. I couldn't do anything else or he would scream.

I actually held him all day, and paid attention to him as much as possible. I do not believe in putting him down and letting him scream unless I had absolutely no choice. I would let my hurricane of a house stay the way it was and sit and play with him. Of course, sometimes I had to do other things while I held him, and then he would scream, but I tried my best. It was very hard, but by his first birthday, he had become a happy, confident little boy. He loves to play and has no desire to be held, because then he can't run around. He is a danger to society, but I've baby-proofed my house as much as possible, and I really don't have to pay much attention to him at all.

Some tips that got me through that first year:
-baby carrier. As a newborn, that was the only place he would sleep, besides my arms. I wore him for all his naps. Instead of becoming addicted to me, he learned at his own pace how to sleep in his crib. Now I don't have to hold him or wear him when he sleeps anymore.
-the swing! It was magic! He actually let me put him down for a long time almost every time. His first naps not in my arms were in the swing. So were his first playtimes.
-me time. My baby refused to let anyone hold him but me, but once a week I handed him over to my husband and left. I enjoyed a Shiur and he spent much needed quality time with his Daddy. He didn't cry long after I left. My husband was able to distract him and enjoy him for most of the hour I was gone. I wouldn't have managed without that time to myself.

fmt4

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 12:38 pm

This thread makes me want to cry. Everyone talks about how the carrier and swing are their saviors, while neither works for me. Crying

Mamish Mama

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 1:02 pm

Quote:

2) He is 5 months old. He is getting smarter. After a while of you letting him cry (not to the point of full fledged shreiking red faced) he will stop. My daughter would cry and cry early in the morning when she was 5 months old before it was time for her to eat. She eventually stopped when she noticed that I was ignoring her.

I agree with both of these recomendations. Our dc wouldn't sleep through the night and we had to let him cry it out for 2 nights around 6 months and he never woke up in the middle of the night again. We had to do the samething during the daytime. He didn't like to sit and play by himself so you just need to make sure there are interesting toys around to distract him then go about what you have to do. Kids are much smarter then we think and they know they'll get what they want when they cry so if you ignore it for a few days you'll break his clingy tendencies. I want to clairify that I do not mean leave your child to play all day but for 30 min here and there is a good amount of time to expect a child to occupy themselves.

Also, a common mistake made sometimes is that we as parents assume a child automatically knows how to play. I don't totally agree with that. I've found with many kids that if you take time to show them how to push the button on the bear to make it sing or lift their hands to swat the mobile or (for older kids) show them how to do the puzzle, they will be more apt to play contentedly bc what they are doing just became more interesting and the toy is no longer just a stuffed piece of cotton or a piece of wood shaped like a square. I've also found playing soft calming background music gives babies something to focus on.

Hang in there and good luck!!

bella123

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 1:39 pm

Thanks for the advice so far everyone. I bought him a carrier when he was born but he's outgrown it already and a new one nowisn't an option. So maybe I should try the other advice of leaving him to learn ...

Hashem_Yaazor

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 1:44 pm

bella123 wrote:

What carrier has he outgrown?
Good carriers like woven wraps or mei tais should be good through 3 years and older...

bella123

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 2:03 pm

Its Tomy. Looks great but even when I put it on the largest setting he cant fit in. Besides it hurt my back after about 20 minutes. Better get back to him now...

Tamiri

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 2:09 pm

If a baby needs to be held, I think it means he NEEDS to be held. I don't think it's spoiled behavior at this age. I had 2 like that and both have sensory issues. They needed the cuddling to feel safe (one is now almost 20 and one is 5 - they outgrow the holding stage).
Something that worked for us with both kids was... the vacuum cleaner. Something about the noise soothed them so that they forgot about wanting to be held and could not keep crying. You may want to try that.
Other than that, please know that this, too, shall pass (IYH and everything goes well). Pretty soon he'll be on his own. Hang in there!

saw50st8

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 3:19 pm

bella123 wrote:

Its Tomy. Looks great but even when I put it on the largest setting he cant fit in. Besides it hurt my back after about 20 minutes. Better get back to him now...

I highly recommend an Ergo. Its pricey at $100 but worth it 100%. It doesn't hurt my back and I even wear my 27 lb toddler in it. The baby is secure and happy. I don't think I could have had DS#2 without it.

zigi

Thu, Jan 07 2010, 3:50 pm

Tamiri wrote:

I had a dd that really wanted to be held all the time. what used to calm her down was when she was swaddled with a paci and in a darkened room with the vacume cleaner on.

I have a ds who really wanted to be held. b'h my situation was different I was able to hold him most of the time. I spent a lot of the time on the computer. LOL

now he is teething again. I'm getting very good at facebook games. Wink

craigslist has baby carriers for a very good price. I did use them but not so often. I also put ds down when I had to and also for him to play. but he would go through extra kvetchy times like erev shabbos where all he wanted to dp was be held. no he is 13 months he can play by himself

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