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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
Hodu Lashem
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 Sun, Jan 10 2010, 10:06 am
If only I weren't so frum and and if I were a little less reserved!
I have been tempted to tell people who make those comments, "[Shrug] My husband and I just can't keep our hands off each other." - But with a completely straight face.
I'm sure that would really shut them up!
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mommy7
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Sun, Jan 10 2010, 11:08 am
I was at the fish store and a cute little old lady (not frum) walked in and saw my twins. She immediately started telling me about her daughter also had twins and how hectic life was, and was I managing, and did my mother help me and blah blah.
The guy behind the counter, who knew my family laughed and said, "Yeah, but your daughter doesn't have another X more at home!"
The old lady was really quiet for about 5 minutes while the fish guy finished up my order. As I was paying, she suddenly looked straight into my eyes and said in a loud firm voice, "I hope you're shutting down the oven now."
The fish guy had to hide under the counter, he didn't want to embarrass me he was laughing so hard. It was really okay, I was laughing too.
I don't get annoyed when non-frum ppl make comments at my age/amt of kids I have. Judging by non-frum/non-Jewish acquaintences, their pregnancies and kids are completely public arenas. They announce they're pregnant the night after they look at the stick, seriously. Married MALE coworkers will announce, "We're trying to conceive!" Thanks for oversharing!
I would be surprised if it was a frum person commenting. Things like amt of children, bc, infertility are loaded guns with all kinds of emotional/social/halachic ties and are most definitely PRIVATE. If someone opens up b/c they want to talk, that's one thing, but no one should ever ask someone else about their private choices or struggles.
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Hodu Lashem
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Sun, Jan 10 2010, 11:16 am
| mommy7 wrote: | I was at the fish store and a cute little old lady (not frum) walked in and saw my twins. She immediately started telling me about her daughter also had twins and how hectic life was, and was I managing, and did my mother help me and blah blah.
The guy behind the counter, who knew my family laughed and said, "Yeah, but your daughter doesn't have another X more at home!"
The old lady was really quiet for about 5 minutes while the fish guy finished up my order. As I was paying, she suddenly looked straight into my eyes and said in a loud firm voice, "I hope you're shutting down the oven now."
The fish guy had to hide under the counter, he didn't want to embarrass me he was laughing so hard. It was really okay, I was laughing too.
I don't get annoyed when non-frum ppl make comments at my age/amt of kids I have. Judging by non-frum/non-Jewish acquaintences, their pregnancies and kids are completely public arenas. They announce they're pregnant the night after they look at the stick, seriously. Married MALE coworkers will announce, "We're trying to conceive!" Thanks for oversharing!
I would be surprised if it was a frum person commenting. Things like amt of children, bc, infertility are loaded guns with all kinds of emotional/social/halachic ties and are most definitely PRIVATE. If someone opens up b/c they want to talk, that's one thing, but no one should ever ask someone else about their private choices or struggles. |
It really didn't bother you?
Did you reply at all to her "oven" comment?
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mommy7
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Sun, Jan 10 2010, 11:21 am
Nope. For her, me having so many kids is like someone telling you they have 8 houses. You'd be pretty surprised at that. Maybe even ask them why they have so many and are they planning on buying any more.
If a frum person asked, I'd be surprised, because they should know better.
Anyway, the oven comment was funny, coming from a tiny old lady in a fish store. Embarrassing, but funny. I laughed and didn't say anything back to her. Sometimes smiling and keeping quiet lets them know they said something that you are not going to reply to because it is inappropriate.
Last edited by mommy7 on Sun, Jan 10 2010, 1:06 pm; edited 1 time in total
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life'sgreat
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Sun, Jan 10 2010, 1:00 pm
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Oh yeah, I've often had the you only have one kid? comment from non frum or non Jews. And when I say yes (without mentioning infertility as it is none of their business), they start a whole tirade about those who have a kid every year and that I'm responsible and smart blah blah blah. I just nod my head, smile and walk away.
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WriterMom
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Sun, Jan 10 2010, 1:30 pm
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You know, in the non-frum world there are (IME) three kinds of people. The first group has some manners and breeding, and understand that questions about reproduction are deeply inappropriate and would only discuss such things with close friends whom they know wouldn't mind talking about it. The second means well, but is socially clueless. They say things like "I can't imagine how you cope with so many!" or "You must be done now, right?" or "You know what causes pregnancies, right, har har?" but they really think they're just kidding around and you wouldn't be offended. Then there are the people who truly think you should have to justify your decision to have a big family (or sometimes not to) to them, or think it's totally okay to ask about the most intimate aspects of your marriage and your physical health just because they're curious. The second group, I just smile and change the subject. The third, I don't know how to handle - snappy comebacks if I'm in the mood, otherwise I just DON'T smile, but change the subject, and sometimes they clue in to how rude they're being.
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life'sgreat
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Sun, Jan 10 2010, 1:46 pm
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How about - I'll forgive you for asking if you forgive me for not answering.
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amother
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Sun, Jan 10 2010, 2:01 pm
I actualy get comments from my own frum jewish neighboors
like when I come outside they say oh its the troop coming out, and I only have 4 kids bli ayen ara, I know pple thathave much more then that.
or like if they would come in to the house and say oh the wholllllllle family is here. like what is that supposed to mean.
so I just decided to ignore and not answer.
but I also think they make comments out of jealousy. might sound weird but that is my personal opinion. cuz they cant manage with their own 2 kids. or at least they always complain
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gryp
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Sun, Jan 10 2010, 2:14 pm
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I've got the smilethroughclenchedteeth look down pat.
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Hodu Lashem
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Sun, Jan 10 2010, 2:50 pm
| life'sgreat wrote: | | How about - I'll forgive you for asking if you forgive me for not answering. |
I like that! 
| GR wrote: | | I've got the smilethroughclenchedteeth look down pat. |
Yeah! BTDT.
But don't you just want to say something to them, sometimes, to show them that they are asking something that's inappopropriate and truly none of their business?
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Hodu Lashem
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Sun, Jan 10 2010, 3:07 pm
| WriterMom wrote: | | You know, in the non-frum world there are (IME) three kinds of people. The first group has some manners and breeding, and understand that questions about reproduction are deeply inappropriate and would only discuss such things with close friends whom they know wouldn't mind talking about it. The second means well, but is socially clueless. They say things like "I can't imagine how you cope with so many!" or "You must be done now, right?" or "You know what causes pregnancies, right, har har?" but they really think they're just kidding around and you wouldn't be offended. Then there are the people who truly think you should have to justify your decision to have a big family (or sometimes not to) to them, or think it's totally okay to ask about the most intimate aspects of your marriage and your physical health just because they're curious. The second group, I just smile and change the subject. The third, I don't know how to handle - snappy comebacks if I'm in the mood, otherwise I just DON'T smile, but change the subject, and sometimes they clue in to how rude they're being. |
You're right. Group 2 I don't usually take too much offense, just change the subject. It's group 3 that gets on my nerves, as they're either being nasty for no reason or just plain intrusive. I'd love to hear some of your "snappy comebacks". I'm sure you have come up with a few good ones!
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madres
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Sun, Jan 10 2010, 3:25 pm
When I was expecting my second after 9 month from the first my mum who I adore who is always there for me always supports me. who will drop everything at any time to make sure I'm fine told me: sheiffaleh you're not a rabbit. in that year all 4 daughters had babys and somehow she kept telling me by each birth the rabbit thing and how we're not making anyone a favor, we're young we can have a lot of kids we don't need to rush...
than 8months later I was pregant again!!!!(I acctually was on bc and nursing) I was mortified of how to announce my pregnancy to my mum. I think looking back now my hormones made it seem much worse... and I was under chock, it took me a while to realize what was happening... (long story...)
so it was a year after I had had my second child that I called my mum to tell her I was having a third child (I was thrilled!). I turned the whole converastion around, about how I am so scared and I'm not sure about it, and I am not a rabbit etc.
the funny thing is she went straight to mother mode and encouraged me, told me it'll be fine, she'll be there for me, I am young and strong bla bla, it went so far as my father taking the phone telling me he hears I'm scared, but I shouldn't I should be proud of rebuilding am yisroel......
from there I realised that my mother just tried to protect us when telling us not to have too many... it just came out quite wrong.And maybe those who made those insensitive comments too.
and somehow I think this can be taken into different context too, sometimes people, me included, try to say good things nice things and very often encouraging things and it comes out wrong.
it makes me think of how I always tell my friend who struggles to find a shidduch, that I've become so lazy, so fat, so this so that but I always finish my complaints with a ''but soon I'll be jumping and dancing like crazy by your chasseneh''
I guess it's wrong and hurtful, like the comment of getting a baby.
I feel bad, I meant it well, I'll stop.
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Blueberry Muffin
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Sun, Jan 10 2010, 3:28 pm
Happens to me as well....
Even the "stares" without comments bug me.
I always want to respond with a nasty "mind your own business" answer... but always hold my tongue to prevent a Chilul Hashem.
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campmommy
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Sun, Jan 10 2010, 8:42 pm
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Well, after the 4th person in the zoo asked us "are they ALL yours?" my 9 year old (and oldest) turned to me and asked "why do they keep asking that? And another time, we were in Walmart and we passed a family that had "lots" also and after we passed my son and I looked at each other and at the same time said "are they all hers?! Jinks!" I get rather tired of it, but just let it pass. As long as I don't get what my MIL got when she walked into a store with at least 7 (I'm not sure, maybe more) and someone said, "Whoa, who pays to feed all those kids?" and my MIL answered "well it's not you, so no need to worry!"
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kitov
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Sun, Jan 10 2010, 9:31 pm
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I always respond by saying, "don't I look great and really collected? (I happen to...)". And they nod their head in agreement. So I go on and say, "then what's the problem?"....
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Atali
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Sun, Jan 10 2010, 9:58 pm
| amother wrote: | | how about this? I was walking down the street with my 4 little ones when an old lady screamed out "look at her another one every year, thats where all my taxes go! |
The response to that is:
"Yep, my kids are going to pay for your social security when they turn 18."
Last edited by Atali on Sun, Jan 10 2010, 10:49 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
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Sun, Jan 10 2010, 10:41 pm
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I have 4 kids and im called the baby making machine
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MommyZ
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Sun, Jan 10 2010, 10:42 pm
| Atali wrote: | | amother wrote: | | how about this? I was walking down the street with my 4 little ones when an old lady screamed out "look at her another one every year, thats where all my taxes go! |
The response to that is.
"Yep, my kids are going to pay for your social security when they turn 18." |
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PIP
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Sun, Jan 10 2010, 10:43 pm
Story of my life. I'm not even going to start. People are airheads. That is all I'm saying. 
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flowerpower
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Sun, Jan 10 2010, 10:47 pm
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You just smile and say "they sure are" and see what answer goes to that.
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