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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
Hodu Lashem
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 Fri, Jan 08 2010, 2:42 pm
It bugs me a bit when I get comments from non-religious and non-Jewish pple about how many children I have. And I don't even have so many as others. I mean anything more than 2 in the secular world is considered a large family! I don't know why they feel the need to comment - it's none of their business anyway. But when they do, I always want to give them a snappy answer. Like when someone says, "Are ALL of these your children?", I end up either ignoring it, or just saying something lame like "Yes", and wishing I had said something else.
I assume I am not the only one to get these unwanted comments. What do you say when this happens to you?
ETA: And what if your situation is just the opposite? What if you only have one or two children for whatever reason, which is personal to you and your husband? How do you handle those insensitive questions or comments having to do with you having more children?
Last edited by Hodu Lashem on Sat, Jan 09 2010, 6:34 pm; edited 1 time in total
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greenfire
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Fri, Jan 08 2010, 2:45 pm
my father used to say he was taking care of orphans ... yeah our secret wish ... 
cheaper by the dozen was another excuse
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MiracleMama
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Fri, Jan 08 2010, 2:51 pm
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I only have 3 children right now, but I guess because they are all very small (oldest turned 3 in Elul), and like you say, anything more then 2 is a big family to some, I go get many comments, usually something along the lines of "Wow, you really have your hands full." I just say B"H (or thank G-d if it's a non-Jew) and smile. What really gets me irritated is the "I guess you guys are done" or "It's nice that your family is complete now".... um, who says so? I hope not. But I try to just smile to those comments to and make some remark about it all being in G-d's hands and we will see what happens.
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MommyZ
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Fri, Jan 08 2010, 3:03 pm
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You can say "These are just a few of them. There are lot more where they came from." LOL
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Levtov
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Fri, Jan 08 2010, 3:17 pm
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sometimes I'll just say: I have X amount of boys, or X amount of girls,they dont need to know total...
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chocolate moose
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Fri, Jan 08 2010, 3:29 pm
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It's uncomfortable on either end of the spectrum.
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Hodu Lashem
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Fri, Jan 08 2010, 3:30 pm
If I weren't so sweet and polite, I would say, "None of your business, and don't you think that's a bit of a rude question, bub?"
One of the drawbacks of being too nice! 
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life'sgreat
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Fri, Jan 08 2010, 3:31 pm
Let's turn it around. It bugs me when people within the frum communities feel the need to comment on the fact that I only have one (living) child who's not a toddler any longer. What business of their's is it if I was/am on BC, chose to have only one, or am dealing with infertility? And let's not forget the calculations of how long are you married? And he's how old? Oh, so that means you had him after X years.... [watches the gears in their brain turn]
And telling my son that for his birthday his mother should buy him a sibling is really overstepping a boundary.
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Hodu Lashem
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Fri, Jan 08 2010, 3:34 pm
| life'sgreat wrote: | Let's turn it around. It bugs me when people within the frum communities feel the need to comment on the fact that I only have one (living) child who's not a toddler any longer. What business of their's is it if I was/am on BC, chose to have only one, or am dealing with infertility? And let's not forget the calculations of how long are you married? And he's how old? Oh, so that means you had him after X years.... [watches the gears in their brain turn]
And telling my son that for his birthday his mother should buy him a sibling is really overstepping a boundary. |
I agree. That is rude! How do you answer them?
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grace413
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Sat, Jan 09 2010, 12:09 pm
People obviously have a low tolerance for anything outside of their personal experience or perspective.
If I had a dime for every time somebody said to me "Oh, you only have 2 children" in a disapproving tone of voice, I'd be rich.
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hadasa
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Sat, Jan 09 2010, 12:47 pm
Personally, it doesn't bother me. When we go on vacation somewhere, my kids get a kick out of hearing people around them counting under their breath...one...two...three...
If asked "Are these all your children?" I say, "No, it's not all of them."
I can definitely understand that the other way around is rude and hurtful, though. Or people assuming you're done.
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imaima
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Sat, Jan 09 2010, 1:30 pm
| Hodu Lashem wrote: | It bugs me a bit when I get comments from non-religious and non-Jewish pple about how many children I have. And I don't even have so many as others. I mean anything more than 2 in the secular world is considered a large family! I don't know why they feel the need to comment - it's none of their business anyway. But when they do, I always want to give them a snappy answer. Like when someone says, "Are ALL of these your children?", I end up either ignoring it, or just saying something lame like "Yes", and wishing I had said something else.
I assume I am not the only one to get these unwanted comments. What do you say when this happens to you? |
How about: "Are they all from the same father?"?? 
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ora_43
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Sat, Jan 09 2010, 1:48 pm
Living in Israel I don't get this so much, but I still get the occasional comment (I have three kids, which isn't unusual even in non frum areas, but they're all young). I don't mind things like "are they all yours" or "how old are they." For the most part I think people are just making conversation. "How old are they" is a pretty standard way to start talking about someone's kids, no matter how many there are.
A couple of weeks ago I was talking to someone who started asking "oh, how many older siblings does this one have... how old are they..." I started to get a bit tense, thinking maybe she's thinking my kids are too close together or something, so I made some comment about how it's really fun and BH they play well together and she said "oh yes, my oldest five were like that too, it's such a pleasure" - turns out she has eight kids and her first three are even closer in age than mine. So I guess she was just being friendly  .
(People probably think I'm thinking about their family size sometimes, when I'm actually thinking something like "wow, my kids are never that good in public," or "that stroller looks so convenient, maybe I can see what brand it is, for next time")
Anyway... with questions like "how old are they" I just give a direct answer, to "you have your hands full" I'll say something like "baruch Hashem" or maybe "BH they're such good kids, it's a pleasure."
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Ruchel
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Sat, Jan 09 2010, 1:49 pm
There are two types of morons, those who think I shoudln't have one yet, and those who think I should have more.
To the "what you already have a 2.5 yr old at 25??", I answer "yes BH" for the frum, and "yes I love kids" to the others.
To the hinting-to-straight-ordering-me-to-have-more I say in my shitta you don't choose.
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Sherri
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Sat, Jan 09 2010, 2:15 pm
| life'sgreat wrote: | | And telling my son that for his birthday his mother should buy him a sibling is really overstepping a boundary. | Do people who realize you didn't have him soon after your wedding say something about a sibling?
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freidasima
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Sat, Jan 09 2010, 2:45 pm
Just give up. It goes in both directions...
I'm 50 for heaven's sake and my own mother still asks me if Dh and I aren't maybe still planning for another one...(and she isn't kidding! she would LOVE another grandchild even though she is already on great grands...)
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shabbatiscoming
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Sat, Jan 09 2010, 3:12 pm
| life'sgreat wrote: | Let's turn it around. It bugs me when people within the frum communities feel the need to comment on the fact that I only have one (living) child who's not a toddler any longer. What business of their's is it if I was/am on BC, chose to have only one, or am dealing with infertility? And let's not forget the calculations of how long are you married? And he's how old? Oh, so that means you had him after X years.... [watches the gears in their brain turn]
And telling my son that for his birthday his mother should buy him a sibling is really overstepping a boundary. | I could not agree with you more life'sgreat. in the frum community many people will just assume certain things if you do not have a child within the first year of marriage.
to that extent my husband and I went to a shul in a community that we were trying out and the rav came up to us (we were married maybe a year and a half or something like that) and he asked us "how many children do you have"? I wanted to punch him in the face. how do you ask such a question? in my mind you can ask, if you feel you have to, "do you have kids", but even that is stepping over a line that nobody should cross. we were going through fertility treatments at that time so the comment REALLY hurt and I thought that the rav was beyond tactless.
but its true. people just assume that the minute you are married, you are going to start popping them and it is just not true for everyone and people can just be very tactless with their desire to know why your belly is empty.
I think that it is really terrible. there is no other way to put it.
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Ruchel
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Sat, Jan 09 2010, 3:22 pm
The worst is when you don't have every one/two year, some people assume they have to lecture you about birth control or big gaps being very hard to cope with.
But again, if you DO have one every year/two years, they lecture you on not giving enough time alone to each child. "Poor baby he'll be so jealous!".
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Sherri
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Sat, Jan 09 2010, 3:26 pm
| Ruchel wrote: | The worst is when you don't have every one/two year, some people assume they have to lecture you about birth control or big gaps being very hard to cope with.
But again, if you DO have one every year/two years, they lecture you on not giving enough time alone to each child. "Poor baby he'll be so jealous!".
| Yup, darned if you do, darned if you don't!
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msctwg
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Sat, Jan 09 2010, 3:50 pm
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I've had it both ways. My aunt asked me once in that superior snobby tone that non religous people use..."so when do you think your going to stop??" to which I replied "oh when I hit about 100". and to people in the community who have raised eyebrows about my children's spacing I have informed them that we are having issues. and if they would like to donate the relative body parts/hormones...etc they are welcome to do so. I have found that usually when you shock people w/an unexpected answer they have no reply. But you are right. both ways it is nobody's business!
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