When you walk into someone's house and it's........

amother

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 4:01 am

Oh SO dirty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had to go into my neighbor's house to give her something. and I nearly fainted.
The house was such a mess. but not just messy, it was filthy!!!!
There were toys thrown all over the floor. old food on the table and countertops. The stovetop was really gross with leftover food on it.
and it's smelled so bad in there!

It's always like that, everytime I go there.
I feel really bad for her, and her family.
But, how can people live like that?
It's so unhygienic.

Not to mention, that I wouldn't dare eat at there house, or anything they sent over.

What would you do?

joy613

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 4:10 am

what would I do? I would mind my own business.
what kind of ideas exactly are you looking for?

It's not so easy for everyone to keep their house so clean. and not everyone can afford cleaning help.

And about the toys strewn all over the floor, what is so bad about that? My house has that many days till kids are asleep and then I clean it up, or they help before they go to bed if there's time. Not every mother follows the 'one toy out at a time rule'.

You don't necessarily have to feel bad for her, just because it bothers you doesn't mean it bothers her.

Marion

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 4:17 am

You could be describing my house. Honestly? I work full time outside the home, and I don't have cleaning help, beyond someone who comes for an hour on Friday to wash my floors. If my DH picks up the toys at the end of the day I feel lucky, and like less of a slob.

I clean my stovetop whenever I see something spilled over, but it's in the middle of my prep area, and sometimes is even used to store [clean] pots, and yes, it gets crumbly. As quickly as I wash dishes, I get more in the sink...and I feel lucky that they're in the sink and not left on the table. My weekday tablecloths are all stained and disgusting...because I have little kids B"H who spill things. I'll replace the tablecloths when my youngest (who is not yet born) is a more reliably neat eater. My kitchen & table will never be as spotless as I'd like...maybe for 3 minutes right before candle-lighting, and even then, only if the kids ate lunch at a normal time and not with 20 minutes to go before Shabbat.

OTOH, I'm a perfectionist. I will wash pots, pans, dishes, mixing bowls (etc.) if I see they're not clean BEFORE I use them...even if I know I washed them before I put them away. If I had 18 extra hours in the day (or when I'm home on maternity leave) my house would be a lot cleaner and tidier. At some point I might even get to spotless.

I hope my neighbours who have seen my kitchen give me more benefit of the doubt than it seems you would.

Marion

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 4:28 am

Smell is in the nose of the inhaler.

My SIL complains terribly of the urine scent in the upstairs (kids') bathroom. I have a 3 year old who is recently toilet trained (and has surprisingly few accidents in the bathroom). I have a covered diaper/nappy bin. And I have a laundry hamper. And you know what? I can't smell what she smells! When she comes for Shabbat (yes, she comes for Shabbat) she takes it upon herself to bleach the bathroom. Drives me a little batty, honestly, but if she wants to do it, and it makes it more pleasant for her, I'm not going to stop her. The fact that she uses, IMO, so much bleach that she could have whiter whites for a year and it makes my eyes water, is beside the point. I open the window really, really wide when she leaves.

amother

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 4:33 am

Quote:

me too..
just mind your own business - never judge someone else -- they could be overwhelmed and have a hard time keeping up with the housework.

Raisin

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 4:37 am

I guess there are messy houses and messy houses. I have been in one or two houses in my life where it has been as bad as you describe. No idea why - in one case the mother was a normal, happy, well functioning person who I liked very much. In another, well, some people just can't cope with it all.

btw my house is pretty messy, I'd love it to be tidier. A lot of the stuff is clutter - outgrown clothing, books, papers, stuff! I make the kitchen my priority though, so that is usually pretty clean. if I didn't have cleaning help my house would look terrible. It's incredible how quickly 5 kids can turn a house upside down.

fiddle

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 5:11 am

OP I hear where your coming from.

im not referring to messy, im referring to dirty.

theres a fine line. theres a difference between clean pots piled up and dirty pots marion.

theres a difference between a clean bathroom smelling like urine bc of a toddle and not because theres urine all over.

personal experience which I never want to relive as long as I live.

I was three months pregnant and was invited out for rosh hashana meal which was on a shabbos. we walk in the door and the house reeked. I specifically asked my dh in advance if they were clean, bc I hate eating in dirty peoples houses. well suffice it to say, I gagged and asked for the bathroom where I ran to vomit. I got into the bathroom and there in front of me was the most disgusting site, excuse me if TMI, the was cr*p streaked in one huge skid mark starting from the toilet seat all the way down the porcelain to the floor... I ran out of there so fast. I forgot all about vomiting. I got to the table and asked if they had water, so they brought out this brita pitcher which was foggy and grimy and fuzzy particles on the bottom... I ended up eating nothing, and went home starving bc her kitchen aside from looking like a bomb hit it, was so disgustingly dirty you cant even imagine. and I was NOT touching her food.

so toys around, that kids, some dishes in the sink, thats lack of time, beds unmade again lack of time, clean laundry piled - again - lack of time.. but filth? thats disgusting, that lack of hygiene and slobby.

zipporah

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 5:21 am

amother wrote:

Oh SO dirty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hI had to go into my neighbor's house to give her something. and I nearly fainted.
The house was such a mess. but not just messy, it was filthy!!!!
There were toys thrown all over the floor. old food on the table and countertops. The stovetop was really gross with leftover food on it.
and it's smelled so bad in there!

It's always like that, everytime I go there.
I feel really bad for her, and her family.
But, how can people live like that?
It's so unhygienic.

Not to mention, that I wouldn't dare eat at there house, or anything they sent over.

What would you do?

Have they ever sent you any food or asked you over for a meal, for this to be an actual concern for you? What do you mean by "what would you do"? Are you saying the kids are in trouble? Or is it an overworked person with a messy house? Why do you have to do anything? If you really cared about the person, you could ask if they need any help with anything (watching kids so they can have a few minutes to clean, etc.) but you sound more into judging than helping.

When I'm working, my husband and I both work 12 hour days (work and travel time). It's hard enough to get food on the table and kids clean and in bed. Something's got to give... If the person is overworked, the likelihood of her hosting you for Shabbat or cooking for you is slim. But, if it happens, make an excuse not to go or accept the food and toss it. Rolling Eyes

imamama

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 5:34 am

I don't work. I'm home all day with my kids. My house is a disaster area. You could have easily been describing my home. There's a big pile of laundry that needs to be folded on the easy chair. There's cutlery strewn about because my three-year-old has taken a sudden interest in the contents of the fleishig drawer, there are dirty coffee mugs on the table and counters, a dirty pot that doesn't fit in the sink waiting on the stove to be washed. There is even a dirty diaper that missed the garbage on the floor. And toys. Everywhere.

My house is a mess, but if I knew you were coming, I would make some seder before you showed up. If you had to drop something off for her, I would imagine there wasn't more than an hour or two of notice before you came. I'm not saying you need to call days in advance if you need to swing by someone's house, just that you should realize that although her house may look like this in middle of the afternoon or early evening, (or the middle of the week, if she's like me), she's not a disgusting slob, and her food is probably not contaminated with filth and disease. She just didn't get a chance to clean up before you came over.

I don't mind living in my mess, but it's embarrassing of others to see it. She probably feels the same way.

amother

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 6:15 am

I was so worried I was going to be the only one who feels this could have been her house. DH and I both work full-time, B"H little kids plus one on the way and not a lot of money to spare right now on a cleaning lady.
Yes, I cringe when my super-neat neighbor comes over to borrow something. I hate when my mil gives me tips on how to keep the toilet bowl clean. I know it's not ideal but right now, it's all we can manage

the world's best mom

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 7:49 am

Many times. my house looks like this. I have a dishwasher, and after Shabbos we put in our china and whatever silverware fits. The pots and other silverware sit and soak- still dirty- until I have a chance to unload the dishwasher and reload it. I often takes a couple of days because I can't do it when my baby is around. He climbs into the dishwasher, or closes the door while the racks are pulled out. He grabs dishes and plays with the soap dispensor.

I do wipe spills on my stove top, but I don't always scrub it every day. Sometimes dried on dirt stays there til the next day.
I don't smell any foul odors coming from my house. If I did, I would do a major cleaning ASAP. For now, we have a cleaning lady on Friday afternoons, though in that hour between her being here and Shabbos starting, my kids manage to make it look like she was never here in the first place.

For now, I will live in a dirty house. And I will be happy. Because I spend most of my day taking care of my adorable kids. B"H, they keep me quite busy. I'll have plenty of time to have a clean house when they grow up.

amother

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 7:55 am

thanks to all who admin to having houses like mine.
My house doesn't usually smell. (at least I don't leave it like that if it does)
but I do have dishes often in the sink (dh doesn't get bother by dishes and doesn't notice them but he does notice the floor and table so I do those first)

when I was kid I promised myself I would never have this but if it's a choice of kids and this or not having as many kids and a clean house - I choose the kids -- It is hard to live with but I think in the long run I will be happy.

and yes I embarrassed if someone I know who has a clean house comes over.

ora_43

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 8:07 am

Do you always go over at the same time of day, OP? Maybe the house is always a mess at some times of day and clean at others (at least that's how it is for us - it's a mess at 2pm (dirty dishes and crusted food on stovetop and table included), but most days it's clean again by 10pm or so).

If you're going over mid-afternoon every time, or right after dinner, something like that, then it could be that you're just catching your neighbor's house at its worst.

If OTOH the house is objectively unhygienic (like for example - there's mold on the food on the counters, or messes that include bodily fluids anywhere), the kind of thing that social services would be concerned about, then you could try to very gently and tactfully figure out if they need help.

One idea - you could pretend you also needed help, just to give her an idea of what she could do. For example, get into a conversation about how hard it is to balance caring for the house with work/kids/whatever, and say s/thing like "when my second was born I just couldn't do it for a while, I'm so glad that the chessed committee was able to send someone over twice a week to watch the kids so I could clean up a bit." But only if you can do it casually. And again, only if her house is really constantly filthy and not just middle-of-the-day filthy.

amother

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 8:37 am

I went to someone's house once that was so disgusting, I didn't eat. Think, poopy diapers the toddler pulled off, left in the main entrance way (mother just stepped right over it), urine from toddler all over the kitchen floor (again, wasn't mopped up until ages later), grime and filth everywhere (couldn't use the toilet). The whole time this was going on, the mother was just sitting and chatting. You can bet I never went there again!

racheleezzy

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 9:05 am

my house alwas has toys all over bc as soon as I put them away dd toddles over and pulls them out, so to wait till shes alseep at night and then put all her toys away, after dinner is cleared I straighten the kitchen just wipe down the counters and throw away whatever doesnt belong around. if there are dishes in the sink I just neaten them until I can get to them. I know they sound simple enough, but I also work full time out of the house im actaully out by 7 and dont get home with dd till close to 5 so watever I can actually do has to be simple lol. Very Happy

greenfire

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 9:43 am

one never really knows why ... and priorities in life are definitely important ...

my house has different levels of topsy turvy ...

there is messy & there is filthy and I should say those are very different ... and so long as a person is clean conscience that also can be the deciphering whether or not you want to eat there too ... my stove top might get dirty - but the pots & dishes are clean (some things I even rinse before using - just because) ... my floor needs sweeping but constantly needs it over & over - so it's not my priority ...

laundry doesn't get folded - but it's clean & washed ... that's what irons are for not to mention laundry baskets ...

I wouldn't mind s/o scrubbing the bathroom down ... but I wouldn't want to be judged by it either ...

oh I forgot the most important thing

MYOB Twisted Evil

amother

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 9:56 am

I dont understand why this has to be a whole topic. while I cant ever imagine having poopy diapers left on the floor, and urine on floor and stuff like that. I could relate to moms who are feeling really overwhelmed with the every day life. it can be really hard especially if u have no cleaning help or spouses help. lets not sit here talking about these ppl like they are disgusting. if u wanna do something to help them out, then that's one thing.

freidasima

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 10:07 am

I'm with the OP, sorry, I had no cleaning help and after the youngest was seven no metapelet at home and I worked full time as did DH. Sure, things were often messy in terms of toys strewn around but dirt? Never. No smells of cooking, no smells of urine, bathroom cleaned daily before I went to bed, also kitchen cleaned, washed and sinks clean daily to this day. stovetop wiped down after each time used. no big deal, like wiping your behind you should pardon me after going to the bathroom. You don't say "it takes too much time" do you?

I am neat. That doesn't mean that in my tiny kitchen you don't walk in and see a toaster oven, a blender, a magimix standing on the counter, but I do a dish as soon as it hits the sink and wash as I cook and that's what I taught the kids to do.

I am also a firm believer in playpens for small children while I am working in the kitchen and can't keep an eye on them, I do it with my grandson as well, cooking while he is in the playpen playing watching me from the kitchen door.

I hate smells. I air out the house daily rain or shine before I go to work. Yes! When dh gets up at 5:30 the living room windows are opened to bring in the air and I close them before I leave at 7:30. Yes the house it cold sometimes in the winter and so we open it less but smells? Ugh.

Overwhelmed? It's all organization. If I'm sick it's one thing but I run a tight ship usually.

Ronit

Tue, Jan 12 2010, 10:17 am

freidasima wrote:

Uch I just wrote up a long post & then my computer did some shtick ....I don't have patience to do it again, but it was in the same vein as Fraidasima.

Living in this level of filth isn't normal even for a super super busy mom!

Even with no cleaning help the 2 adults (or more) should be taking their plates off the table & rinsing them....If they divide the other cleaning responsibilities, they won't be constantly cleaning...only maintaining (which doesn't take alot of time)

Blaming it on kids is rediculous! Of course they make a mess (I have boys too), but if the house is this dirty (I didn't say messy as in toys) it has to do with the hygiene level of the adults. Sorry