Rabbi insulted DH | Imamother

amother

Sun, Jan 24 2010, 11:31 pm

DH was practicing for something upcoming in the shul with several other men. The Rabbi decided to come downstairs, sat down, listened to them for 5 minutes without saying anything. Once they were done and there was a pause the Rabbi said, "DH, it certainly looks like marriage has been treating you well". DH was taken aback and offended. The Rabbi then got up and left.

I'm curious how you would react. I was stunned when DH came home and told me what had happened.

(As a backgrounder, we've been married for about a year and a half and we both have gained a bit of weight but neither of us were exactly model figures before [though not excessively heavy])

LeahW

Mon, Jan 25 2010, 12:50 am

I don't think it's a big deal honestly. It's like saying you have a chubby baby. It's not an insult, more like a "kenayno horo" thing. Now if he had said "I noticed marriage is treating your wife well" wink, wink, obviously that would be a different story. Or if your DH is very obese, then it would be insulting.

Nevertheless your DH's feelings are valid and if he was offended he should tell the Rav so that the Rav will learn something and have the chance to ask for mechilah.

bubby

Mon, Jan 25 2010, 12:58 am

Why didn't your DH challenge him & say, "I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean. Please explain."

Then you would know if you were justified in feeling insulted or if it was either another thing altogether or a little lighthearted banter.

As a career fatty, I have had more than my fair share of direct & snide comments. You are adults. Instead of sulking & feeling insulted, get it clarified. At worst, you'll consider losing weight if that's the issue. At best you get an apology/explanation. This is a minor event in the potential for insults, trust me: it's not nice, it's rude, & it's definitely stupid & tactless!

mammele26

Mon, Jan 25 2010, 1:45 am

I'm assuming that if this was a rabbi, he's probably more than a few years older than your dh. I think that a man that age doesn't mean anything more than 'I'm glad you're having a good time being married'. If the person saying it was about your dh's age, mabe it would mean something, but if he's a good few years older, it means only that he's purely happy for him, IMHO. If you think your dh is a little bit sensitive, now is the time for you as an eizer k'negdo, to talk him OUT of such 'einredenishen'. It's true that sometimes they need sympathy, but a real favor is to help them not be too sensitive so they can enjoy their lives fully (after you've validated his feelings, of course). This is not to say he is sensitive, just to bring up a possibility.

(After my wedding I referred to my gained weight as happy pounds, officially, and it really was!)

Barbara

Mon, Jan 25 2010, 9:23 am

amother wrote:

You sure he was referring to his weight? not maybe just that he seemed to be happy, uplifted?

Indeed, maybe it was clear in context. Just reading this, though, it could have been a comment on how well and happy your DH looked and sounded.

Yocheved84

Mon, Jan 25 2010, 9:46 am

amother wrote:

As a heavy person who is insecure about weight and analyzes every single comment, I have to say that I don't see how the rabbi's comment can be construed into something about weight. Did the rabbi point or pat his stomach region? DH's mom did that to him last year and he got very upset. But how is this comment about weight? Maybe your husband was happy and smiling or overall content because of how wonderful a wife and marriage he has, nu?

louche

Mon, Jan 25 2010, 9:57 am

Yocheved84 wrote:

What she said. I had to read the original post three times and I still couldn't see any insulting words there.

Al rosh haganav boer hakova.