discipline books, please help.

gryp

Mon, Feb 08 2010, 11:11 am

I think you have the right book.

If you haven't started it yet, it tells you in the beginning that you shouldn't read the entire book at once (which promptly made me read it cover-to-cover) but practice the techniques in each chapter before moving on to the next one. They were right.

Chapter 1 is really very important. I suggest you read it as soon as you have the chance.

One other thing, is your daughter's day structured? Does she have a regular routine? Many conflicts can be avoided when kids know it's time for dinner/bath/bed/whatever and that's just the way it is, because it happens every day like that.
It might be a good idea to put bathroom time into the daily routine, until she stops being lazy about going (which many kids are, your daughter isn't doing this for the sole purpose of making you miserable Smile

).
Have you tried a bathroom chart to motivate her further? (Were you consistent about it?)

I started a system at home recently which has made life much more pleasant: my kids receive points for extra things they do in Ahavas Yisroel (to each other) and Kibbud Av v'Aim (listening to parents, etc). Every 50 points they earn a cheap prize (which they've chosen already and have been waiting for). I haven't punished any of them in weeks and they are always willing now to listen or help each other out. I don't give points every time they do something little, but only if I think they truly went out of their way. They keep track of the points themselves so my only job is to hand out points and buy the prizes. They also learn numbers very well doing this. I know parenting experts say not to do this, but I do subtract a few points if I need to, if they've done something bad enough that deserves it, and if whatever they've done is the opposite of Ahavas Yisroel or Kibbus Av/Aim.

Adapted for my 3 yr old though: He has chosen a prize he'll get after 20 points (ice cream cone, this time). I don't subtract points for him as punishments because he's only 3 and I don't think it's developmentally appropriate. 3 year olds can be pretty frustrating (especially manipulative ones like mine) so he really needs me to teach him how to listen and punishments don't do that, they just make everyone miserable. I do have to keep track of the points for him though.

3 yr olds do really well with choices and having their feelings validated, in general. Choices are important, they give the child the sense that he's in control, while he really isn't. Child needs to go to bed now, but he can choose which tape to fall asleep to. Validate feelings, as a child who feels he is heard will comply more readily with what we expect from him. If you didn't grow up this way (I didn't), get used to it and it will be easy after a while.

When child does something wrong, there is a natural consequence, ie., if child made a mess, child needs to clean it up. If child hurt somebody, child needs to make him feel better.

If your 3 yr old is like mine and refuses to pick up his toys ever, "because it's too hard," the reason is valid and we need to simplify the task (pick up only ten... and then six... then three... then seven, or first the reds, then the yellows, etc.) or make it fun, by singing a silly song, making a game out of it, etc.

When child is being stubborn about things he MUST do (go to bed, take a bath, get dressed), I pull out my old lines: When Mommy talks we go right away... Let's practice the right thing to do... We can do this with a happy face or a sad face, I'd really like to see a happy face but it's your choice... etc.

All this is done calmly, matter-of-factly, gently, and patiently. Practice makes perfect. Don't expect to be perfect right away. The more you practice, the more patient you'll be- you'll surprise yourself (I certainly did!).

Ignore much of what goes on, I f we picked on every single thing a toddler does, there'd be no end to it. Especially if child is hungry/tired/uncomfortable, let it go, whatever it is.

And last but not least, don't expect too much of a toddler. If child didn't do whatever it was the last three times, chances are it's too much for him. Make the job smaller, into something he can handle. This one can be tricky because we also want to foster independence.

And one more, the most important: Be kind and show your children that you love them.
(They will speak to others the way they are spoken to. And act towards others the way you've shown them it is appropriate to act. If not for their sakes, for their own kids' sakes.)

I ain't an expert, but learned this through trial and error (lots of them Confused