How to respond to "I Hate You Mommy"

amother

Fri, Feb 12 2010, 11:09 am

When DD gets frustrated with me she yells "I hate you!!!" What's the best way to respond?
I usually say
"But I love you anyway!"
"That's not a nice thing to say to a mommy a totty or ANYONE"
"Youre making mommy very sad inside"

She doesnt seem to care cuz she keeps doin it. Am I supposed to ignore (I tried but she says it a million times & gets louder with each one shock

Sorry I'm anony cuz im embarrased

marina

Fri, Feb 12 2010, 11:36 am

Don't be embarrassed, all kids do this.

Be very casual. Like she is telling you she hates green beans.

"Okay, that's nice. You still have to clean up your toys."

"Okay, I love you, but you can hate me all you want. You still can't have the lollypop and if you keep making noise and hurting my ears you're going to be in time out."

BinahYeteirah

Fri, Feb 12 2010, 11:49 am

amother wrote:

She doesnt seem to care cuz she keeps doin it. Am I supposed to ignore (I tried but she says it a million times & gets louder with each one shock

Yep. Ignore her and carry on with whatever limit enforcement or whatever prompted her outburst. Of course, I am sure you will continue to show her (and tell her) that you love her through the day and that your feelings toward her have not been affected by her tantrum.

louche

Fri, Feb 12 2010, 12:11 pm

marina wrote:

THANK YOU MARINA!!!!

I am a no-nonsense person surrounded by mushy-kooshies who drive me to distraction, leaders of Mommy and Me groups, parenting workshops and the like who always address their children in the phony soft, calm voice of the professional parent and always work the "personal feelings" angle: "That hurts Mommy's feelings." Since my mother's telling me that I was hurting her feelings made absolutely no impact on my behavior when I was a child, why would I expect that gambit to work on my children? Besides, it seems to me that if I tell a child he's hurting my feelings--well, that's what he wants! Now he knows his gun is loaded and it works!

So my response to "I hate you" was just what marina said: "That's fine, hate me all you want, you still have to clean up your room."

I can't tell you how happy I am to hear someone else say the same thing I did. Sometimes being a dissenting voice is a little lonely. It's nice to know there are kindred folks out there.

BTW my kids are more or less adults now and B"H they seem to be very normal members of society. having a mother who didn't get all phony-understanding-mussar-shmoozing when they were off the wall doesn't seem to have hurt them one bit.

baseballmom

Fri, Feb 12 2010, 12:39 pm

I try to validate the feelings behind those comments, but then to impose whatever limit I need to. So I might say "It seems like you're really upset at me, but you still need to cleanup the toy/turn off the light etc."

I defiently stick to my guns about what I need, but also let my kids know that I get the message of what they are feeling...I always try to keep what I say to be about them and their feelings, not how their comments make me feel.

AlwaysGrateful

Fri, Feb 12 2010, 12:51 pm

louche wrote:

So my response to "I hate you" was just what marina said: "That's fine, hate me all you want, you still have to clean up your room."

Now THIS I wouldn't say. Although I agree with most of the other responses here.

Stick to your guns, yes. But to say "It's fine to hate me?" Why say that, when you could replace it with, "I'm sorry you're upset, but..." or "Well, I love YOU, but..."

You're getting across the same message, but not saying "I don't care if you hate me" in the process.

PAMOM

Fri, Feb 12 2010, 2:52 pm

Here's a VERY slightly difference response from the good ones here that suggest a matter-of-fact response. My daughter was always very aware of nuances and used to hate it when I said "I don't care" in any sentence having to do with her so I used to say some variation of "I'm sorry you feel that way right now. You still have to do X, and I love you, n o matter how angry you get at me." if you're someone who likes to analyze, you'll notice that I allowed her to have her feelings, assured her that her anger wouldn't affect my love for her, and told her that feelings can't get in the way of actions here.
As she got older and it seemed that the "I hate you" was more an expression of frustration or anger with some other part of her life, I'd wait a bit until things were calmer (and I was calm) and I'd stick a note under her door, saying that if she wanted to talk, I was glad to listen.