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amother
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 Mon, Mar 15 2010, 11:16 am
My brother in law (my sister's husband) got the Mohel certificate not long ago. We are expecting a baby for before Shavuos and he is sure that if we have a boy he will be doing the bris.
We are having a boy and we are not telling anyone, however DH is all stressed on how to face him after I give birth and tell him that we don't want him as a Mohel but someone with more experience.
We have a very good relationship with him and my sister today, but we don't want to ruin it with this.
I thought since he is Sefardi and DH Yekki, we could tell him we don't have the same customs and so on, but apparently during the bris itself, it doesn't really matter if you are sefardi, ashkenazi or temani..
any tips on how to face the situation???
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chilled
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Mon, Mar 15 2010, 11:24 am
Had the same situation. Brother in law a mohel and I didn't want to use him. So we told him that we would love if he can do it but we need to use an older uncle who would be most insulted if we don't use him.
You could say you prefer an older mohel. Or that you trust him but prefer not to use family so if something goes wrong, he won't feel bad.
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Mimisinger
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Mon, Mar 15 2010, 11:31 am
That's so hard. I know it's not the same, but perhaps use bil as the sandek?
Use someone, dh's family has all used - say you have a prior relationship.
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BinahYeteirah
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Mon, Mar 15 2010, 11:35 am
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Is it your first boy? If so, this won't help, but if not, many people have the minhag to use the same mohel for all their kids. So just use the same one you already used, although I have a feeling that this will be your first boy.
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amother
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Mon, Mar 15 2010, 11:38 am
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yes it is my first boy and therefore my dad will be the sandek, so cannot give the kavod to bil as sandek neither.
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B"H
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Mon, Mar 15 2010, 11:41 am
I can totally understand your fear of using a new mohel- no one wants to.
but let me give you another perspective to think about.
my husband is a new mohel.
first of all, doing a bris is actually not as complicated as you think. (I won't write any gory details, but I've heard and seen enough when my husband was learning, and I know that it's not as scary as people think.)
it is very frustrating for a new mohel who knows what he's doing and yet not even his friends or family want to take him. my husband TOTALLY understands why people are afraid, but it's still hard. your brother-in-law and sister will NOT be mad at you if you don't use him, but they will be OH so happy if you do.
here's an idea that might work for you: hire a mohel who as a lot of experience and you trust. ask the mohel if he minds that instead of him actually doing the bris, you will pay him to supervise your brother-in-law to make sure he's doing it right. (a mohel puts a mark where he will cut before he actually cuts, so the older mohel can make sure he's going to do everything right before he actually does it. the cutting is actually the simplest part.) your brother-in-law should be happy with this arrangement (he's definitely not interested in the pay, but in the experience, to be able to say he did more brissim) and it should ease your fears.
but if that's also too scary for you, don't worry- it won't mess up your relationship with your sister (unless she's overly sensitive and unforgiving, I don't know her). she'll still be happy for you and will understand why you're afraid. my husband's own sister didn't use him. just explain that you're overly nervous, and that even though you're sure he's a good mohel, you're just too nervous and want someone with many many years of experience.
you should have a healthy baby b'shaah tovah and whatever you choose should work out well!
good luck!
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gryp
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Mon, Mar 15 2010, 11:47 am
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It's good to learn this lesson early on. Safety and well-being of your child comes before others' feelings. Always.
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shalhevet
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Mon, Mar 15 2010, 11:50 am
I seem to remember in halacha the first thing it says about a mohel is that he should be good at his job, even before yiras shamayim.
Too bad, everyone can be offended. You have to do what is best for your baby. Just say you're really sorry but you decided to take someone more experienced (making up stories is always worse than the truth).
B"H, too bad for the new mohelim. In the end someone will use them and they'll learn. My baby comes first.
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Tamiri
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Mon, Mar 15 2010, 11:57 am
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My father was a mohel. He "malled" my brother and my first and third sons (wasn't in the same country/was too old for the others). My sister had a baby boy right after I had my first son and chose a known mohel in Jlm rather than our father, the Saba. That's life. The parents make the decision.
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Barbara
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Mon, Mar 15 2010, 12:05 pm
| Tamiri wrote: | | My father was a mohel. He "malled" my brother and my first and third sons (wasn't in the same country/was too old for the others). My sister had a baby boy right after I had my first son and chose a known mohel in Jlm rather than our father, the Saba. That's life. The parents make the decision. |
Gotta ask -- *malled* as in *mauled* (did, chas v'shalom, a bad job), or as in *mohel-ed*
Re BIL, how many brisim will he have performed by time of your DS? He may already be quite experienced by then. Otherwise, what about speaking to the more experienced mohel of your choice, and asking if your BIL can assist him.
I'd tell BIL that you love him, and that is why he's not the mohel. Things can (rarely) go wrong even with the best of mohels, and you don't want to take even the tiny risk of something that would taint your relationship forever.
Last edited by Barbara on Mon, Mar 15 2010, 12:18 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Tamiri
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Mon, Mar 15 2010, 12:13 pm
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Malled = mahal (past tense of mila), not mauled. LOL.
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B"H
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Mon, Mar 15 2010, 12:17 pm
| shalhevet wrote: | | B"H, too bad for the new mohelim. In the end someone will use them and they'll learn. My baby comes first. |
of course your baby comes first. but if he is already an official mohel that means he already learned. he's not practicing on your baby chas v'shalom. he has already learned with an experienced mohel and gone around with him and done brissim and the mohel approved that he knows what he's doing. (unless he didn't have a normal teacher.) besides, if his family doesn't use him, who is that "someone" who will use him in the end? I'm sorry if I sound like I'm trying to give the op a guilt trip, that is not at all my intention. as I mentioned in my original comment, if you still don't feel comfortable using him then dont. just consider the fact that it's really not so complicated, and if he can do it with an experienced mohel it might make everyone happy.
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sofaraway
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Mon, Mar 15 2010, 2:15 pm
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The people who will use him are ppl who live far away from a J. community, ppl who don;t have a mohel in town and have a bris erev Yom Tov, etc. Famous mohelim don't want to leave their wives for YT but new ones know that they have to rely on these cases to build their name.... IMHO.
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B"H
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Mon, Mar 15 2010, 2:16 pm
btw, op, I'm most definitely NOT your sister, so don't worry 
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egam
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Mon, Mar 15 2010, 2:40 pm
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It's a very delicate situation. Unfortunately my DH lost a friend over it, who got insulted that we choose somebody else. But my husband followed an advice from his mashpia who told him to use more experienced mohel. It’s even harder if it’s a family.
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yOungM0mmy
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Mon, Mar 15 2010, 5:18 pm
I would also see if you can get another mohel to stand by just in case.
My father is a mohel, but my aunt and uncle used someone else for all their boys (they had their first before my father qualified, and then used the same one every time). By the time it came to boy number 12, this mohel was very old, and they were quite nervous, but did not feel they could insult him by not using him. They had my father stand right by him, and then my father did the bandages after as well. By the time it came to boy 13, the older mohel had had a stroke, and knew himself that he could not do it. This way, they felt they had preserved the old man's kovod, and their son's health. Obviously, if at any point it seemed like the older mohel could not cope or would do something wrong, my father would have stepped in.
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amother
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Mon, Mar 15 2010, 5:18 pm
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OP, my husband is a doctor--very well-trained, well-respected. When I used to ask him to look at one of our kids, his answer ALWAYS was, "If you are concerned, take him/her to the pediatriciaqn." He just didn't want to be responsible for a family member. What if Gd firbid he was wrong? He didn't think he would be but he said that the fear of being wrong could get in his way. Can you explain it that way to your BIL? Attribute it to one of your drs?
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shiradye
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Mon, Mar 15 2010, 5:51 pm
| B"H wrote: | | shalhevet wrote: | | B"H, too bad for the new mohelim. In the end someone will use them and they'll learn. My baby comes first. |
of course your baby comes first. but if he is already an official mohel that means he already learned. he's not practicing on your baby chas v'shalom. he has already learned with an experienced mohel and gone around with him and done brissim and the mohel approved that he knows what he's doing. (unless he didn't have a normal teacher.) besides, if his family doesn't use him, who is that "someone" who will use him in the end? I'm sorry if I sound like I'm trying to give the op a guilt trip, that is not at all my intention. as I mentioned in my original comment, if you still don't feel comfortable using him then dont. just consider the fact that it's really not so complicated, and if he can do it with an experienced mohel it might make everyone happy. |
B"H, I'm with you. DH is also a mohel, but in Yerushalayim, only "big names" get the bulk of the business. When he was "fresh on the market" he had done over 50 milahs already. And his close friends and family DID take him. And he did some Shabbos brissim, as one poster commented. But by no means were they the first. B'sha'a tova! May the bris be b'ito u'bizmano!
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KAlex
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Mon, Mar 15 2010, 6:36 pm
Obviously, I have no experience with such a situation yet, but it occurs to me that since this is your first, you have to choose a mohel anyway, and presumably you're going to check a couple out pretty thoroughly. (Presuming this because if you were just going to pick a name off a list, what would be the problem with taking the BIL?)
So how about you check out your BIL, along with those others? If he has as good a reputation and experience, then take him (unless you have a problem with using family full stop, in which case that is the reason). If not, then could you just say you were advised (and this probably is a time to get a Rav's advice, not just ours ) to take the most experienced person available - and that wasn't him.
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amother
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Mon, Mar 15 2010, 6:57 pm
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I know what your feeling OP, as Im pregnant too bh and my husband wants to use my fil as a mohel, he is not an official mohel but has done his own sons (4) which was many years ago... Here its not that we both agree and dont wanto hurt fil (he wouldn be hurt as hes probably not expecting or would understand) my husband claims its a big honor for his father and a experienced mohel can stand and watch him... I am lost and am terrified to use him when the time comes iyh, but its my dh's child too so he has a say too and he never ever puts his foot down for anything but this is important to him...
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