What do I SAY!?! | Imamother

shirafruma

Thu, Mar 18 2010, 11:53 pm

Recently we moved ot a different neighborhood in the same area.

A young couple with a 5 month old baby lives across the st...the husband learns in kollel and I dont know w hat the wife does.

My husband invited them over for the meal friday night. We had 21 people, and I got displaced fromt he table bc we ran out of chairs. (which I was totally ok with....I got to go around the table and speak to new guests, etc.) I saw that this girl and her husband were frustrated bc they thought the baby would go to sleep. He was sitting quietly in his carriage, looking at everyone and playing with a toy. But they really wanted him to sleep. So I pushed the stroller gently and he fell asleep after about 20 minutes. I am happy this girl got to eat and relax, etc.

Fast Forward to Monday: DH comes home from school at around 4:30. This girl called me at 1 and asked since I am not going away for PEsach, could I watch her baby for a few hours while she gets some Pesach cleaning done. I have a 2 yr old, and I really dont like watching other peoples kids. (meaning, I am HAPPY to have my kids friends over for a playdate, even my daughters friends...but I really dont want to watch a 5 month old baby...) I asked from what time and she said from 2-7! I said I'm really sorry, but I cant do it, I have my own kids, must get son from bus, etc. I really tried to be nice and friendly, and I offered to help her find a hs girl who could take the baby to the park etc.

She then went on and on about how hard it is to make Pesach, I have no idea since I dont do it (shes right, b"h we go away every year) and her baby is difficult, why cant I help out, my kids will entertain her baby...

I was in a restaurant at the time in a business meeting, so I cut the call short. But her DH called my DH about 20 minutes later and asked my DH if I could watch their baby!!!!! They only felt comfortable with me bc I was so nice to them on Shabbos!!!

She has since called me everyday and begged me to watch her baby..what do I say!!!

MommyZ

Thu, Mar 18 2010, 11:57 pm

You tell her that you were happy to help her get her baby down for a nap on Shabbos but that you have your hands full and are unable to babysit but that you would be more then happy to help her find someone lovely who can babysit.

mc'cutie

Thu, Mar 18 2010, 11:57 pm

oh my! Sorry no advice but I think you are doing the right thing by not letting her use you like that, I am afraid this is just the begining....

life'sgreat

Thu, Mar 18 2010, 11:58 pm

It seems you need to set up boundaries here and now, before they get the false picture that you will be there for them when they decide you should. I think you need to tell her that you're sorry, but you won't be able to do it from now until after Pesach. Period.

shirafruma

Fri, Mar 19 2010, 12:10 am

I think maybe I feel so bad bc I get her point, I do.

But (not saying this to be mean) if it was niece or nephew, emes, I wouldnt even bat an eye and say yes. I really would help my sister in laws anytime they ever asked me. I just dont like taking care of other peoples babies.

She sees me taking my kids to the park now that the days are longer...I pack up supper and HW and we eat and do HW at the park and I let the kids run for an hour....When she called her DH to talk to my DH she told him I was going to the park anyway...

We've all been there at some point whether its baby #1 or baby #5....but I dont understand her husband learns in kollel, my husband works, both are important, but why cant her husband take the baby after kollel at 6???! Night seder at his kollel is optional!!!!

MommyZ

Fri, Mar 19 2010, 12:13 am

Yes it's rough but you can't sacrifice your sanity for her comfort. If you feel you can't handle it be honest with yourself and with her or you will end up resentful.

slushiemom

Fri, Mar 19 2010, 3:36 am

and unfortunately, if you give in once it will FOR SURE not end there. now, it may be uncomfortable, but she should get the point soon... if you think you want to be her friend maybe see if you both have time to go out together some time.

drumjj

Fri, Mar 19 2010, 4:08 am

I have three kids and no help so its tough u just got to manage and I would definately say no and keep saying no otherwise she will use u and use u and totally take advantage of the situation.

gamekeeper

Fri, Mar 19 2010, 5:09 am

hello! she only has one!!! the fact that she nags you as well! I know what! say to her- sure ill watch yours today, and youll watch mine tomorrow! that'll get her off your back!

shirafruma

Fri, Mar 19 2010, 8:24 am

Gamekeeper, THATS AWESOME!
And her baby doesnt even MOVE YET!!

racheleezzy

Fri, Mar 19 2010, 8:34 am

I find the whole thing kinda wierd... unless it was an emergency I dont know how comfortable I would feel asking a friend to watch my kid, while I cleaned. I just find it odd. Whats even weirder is that they are being so persistent, like they wont even let up after you tell them no. What did your dh say when they called him?

supermama2

Fri, Mar 19 2010, 8:41 am

I agree it's weird. Though in a way I can sort of understand how the new mom must be feeling. Though I wouldn't do what she's doing!

Maybe she needs to be reminded about the dust in not chomets, dirt is not chometz song. It's much easier to clean for Pesach before the kids start getting mobile! Also as mentioned, offering to find her someone you highly recommend to watch her baby may be good.

supermama2

Fri, Mar 19 2010, 8:42 am

gamekeeper wrote:

hello! she only has one!!! the fact that she nags you as well! I know what! say to her- sure ill watch yours today, and youll watch mine tomorrow! that'll get her off your back!

That could work too but what if she says "okay".

racheleezzy

Fri, Mar 19 2010, 8:45 am

also if her baby isnt moving yet I dont understand the problem unless he cries and only wants to be held. Otherwise let him go in a swing or a bouncy and clean around his schedule......It's also even more strange to ask someone who has more children than you do to help....

newToNeighborhood

Fri, Mar 19 2010, 9:36 am

"Sure I'll babysit! I charge $30/hr... when will you be dropping her off?"

Mirabelle

Fri, Mar 19 2010, 9:45 am

Um, my twins are 5 months old and I have a 3 year old and I am making Pesach for the whole family and having a bunch of sleepover guests as part of that. Sorry, I guess I just don't have a lot of rachmunus. Why can't she get a high school girl to come over for a few hours? High school girls usually charge a lot less than adults and sometimes they need "chesed" hours.

4ofus

Fri, Mar 19 2010, 10:32 am

newToNeighborhood wrote:

"Sure I'll babysit! I charge $30/hr... when will you be dropping her off?"

That's a great answer! Tell her I'LL watch her baby for that $$$! LOL

flowerpower

Fri, Mar 19 2010, 11:11 am

Each person is in it's own situation and some get overwhelmed faster then others. She is trying to clean and her baby kvetches so she starts panicing. She is probably one that can't handle much. It is funny though that she keeps asking for babysitting service. Offer her again hs girls that might be able to help her out.

Chocoholic

Fri, Mar 19 2010, 11:37 am

SarahO. wrote:

gamekeeper wrote:

hello! she only has one!!! the fact that she nags you as well! I know what! say to her- sure ill watch yours today, and youll watch mine tomorrow! that'll get her off your back!

That could work too but what if she says "okay".

No problem. Watch the baby from 2-7 and then, the next day, make sure the kids don't nap, feed them lotsa blue lemonade and sugar so for the next 5 hours all of them will have melt downs, bounce of the walls and probably she'll get the point...

Raisin

Fri, Mar 19 2010, 11:41 am

Mirabelle wrote:

I'm guessing it's her first time making pesach. If you've not done it before it can be overwhelming - all the stuff to buy etc plus once you've done it you know you can do it.

And the OP isn't making pesach. I would be inclined to say yes and watch the baby for an hour or two except that this woman sounds like she is the type to take advantage. So probably not a good idea.