My two year old is biting/ hitting other kids in his class..

LeoRafi

Wed, May 05 2010, 10:08 pm

I have bh 3 boys ages 4, turning 3 and 10 months. My middle sons teacher called me telling me that he bit 2 kids and threw a chair at another kid. He does not have any of these behaviors at home!!! he fights with my older son, but I don't find it to be anything out of the ordinary for brothers (hitting and pushing). I am an OT and I dont see any sensory issues that would push me to say that he needs therapy. He is very rambunctious but he is also very smart and is constantly retaining information such as numbers, letters, colors, shapes and songs. His birthday is in november and his playgroup teacher does not think he is ready for nursery... I am very concerned !!!! any advice????

apple24

Wed, May 05 2010, 10:42 pm

does he speak clearly yet? If not, he may be trying to express something that he can not express verbally yet.

Did the teacher tell you what prompted him to throw the chair?
It may make much more sense in the context of the situtation. Is he generally happy at school? Do you think he feels "safe" in his class environment? Is he getting positive attention in school? How do the teachers deal with bad behaviour? Maybe their methos is intriguing to him as it makes him the center of attention, perhaps there is not enough positivity coming fromt he teachers?

Investigating these things may shed light as to what is causing him to react this way. Would love to try to figure it out with you, with more info!

LeoRafi

Wed, May 05 2010, 10:47 pm

The teacher did not tell me any of the above details. She did tell me that she started buckling down on the kids. Before these 'agressive behaviors' my son never got time outs by the teacher. He does not sit in time out unless you hold him down and she told me that she was never able to hold him down but now he is out of control. She told me that when she put him into time out he hurt her by kicking and hitting her. I asked my son why he bit the other boys and he said that they grabed toys from him and hit him with them! My son bh has an excellent vocabulary for a 2.5 year old and is able to clearly express himself!!! she told me that I should take some parenting classes! It makes me cry as this is a reflection of my absolutly terrible parenting skills

amother

Wed, May 05 2010, 11:22 pm

If this is only going on at school/playgroup I wouldn't be concerned as the teacher can be exaggerating. If it's a real problem then you'll see it at home too. I had this problem with my two year old biting her siblings. I had enough of the tears and the bite marks and I saw that the only way she was going to stop was to smack her when she did it so I did. After about four times of me potching her (and months of just scolding or putting her in her room to no avail) she finally stopped. If I didn't witness it or see the teeth marks though I wouldn't punish your little one at all, he won't connect the punishment with the behavior if the punishment is not immediate.

Teacup9

Wed, May 05 2010, 11:54 pm

Something concerns me about the Morah. She just started buckling down on the kids? It seems to me that children thrive with consistancy ESPECIALLY at school. In my son's playgroup the same warnings and time outs that were given at the beginning of the year for the same infractions are given now at the end of the year. Behavior expectations do not change.

How gently did she suggest a parenting class? And what do the mothers of the children hitting your son with toys need? Is she planning on teaching these classes herself or does she, as the adult in charge of a playgroup where these things are happening need a lesson herself?

Personally I think this type of aggression is normal for some two year olds. Parents and teachers just need to teach, enforce, and practice themselves the proper way of dealing with frustrating and unfair situations. First of all if you think your son is having trouble with one type of activity, a change in activity, or a particular peer you can ask the Morah to be extra sensitive to the trigger (there is ALWAYS a trigger - no matter who is at fault or the victim there is still something that set's off an aggressive act). At home you can role play a bit and hopefully your eldest can help to act out the proper way to react to toy grabbing, hitting, etc. You may have to put a stop to the ordinary hitting and pushing for now, because your son may not be understanding the difference. Overly exaggerate your own manners with your husband and family. Teach him catch phrases like "I play with gentle friends" or whatever is appropriate so he can remind himself to go to other children, toys, or the Morah when someone instigates something.

If you think the playgroup is truly causing him to regress or the Morah is not working with you as a team don't be afraid to pull him out if you can. It may just seem like one more month, but it could change your son's whole summer if this group isn't right for him.

amother

Thu, May 06 2010, 1:02 am

I wouldnt be so fast to throw it all on the teacher and I dont think its fair for the teacher to throw it all on the mother (parenting class). I think this is an issue which has to be observed much more closely. I myself have some experience teaching that age.
What I could say is: there is a lot more expected of the child at school than at home. they cannot always eat when they are hungry, sleep when they are tired, they have to take turns and share and there are many social skill that they are learning"on the job" which may be very hard for some 2 year olds. The child should be watched very carefully a)to see what triggers it - certain children that he feels threatened by, maybe he needs more praise, maybe "head on" pressure from the teacher to follow instructions... and b) to train him gently and help him with his social skills and to help him find and use the right words to communicate. Its not always an easy thing to figure out. some kids are more aggressive than others. Also, is there anyone in the school like a director... that can observe him?

SivanMom

Thu, May 06 2010, 10:18 am

My son was the same way when he started school at 22 months. Within two months, his teacher had him under control, and he was a different boy. I'll tell you some of her methods. She talks a lot - all day. No music playing, just her talking, weather it's parsha, stories, etc. Part of what she talks about is no hitting, biting, etc. until it's ingrained in the kids. She is very into speaking positive things. So she doesn't only say "no hitting" she'll say things like "we use our hands for playing, saying shema, etc., but we know what we don't use our hands for, hitting" She does sometimes resort to timeouts, but NO holding down - I would not want someone else to hold down my child, something seems wrong with that. Instead she had a booster seat with tray in middle of the room where the kids were. So the kids were still in the thick of things, just couldn't get down and play. It was excellent, and as the weeks went by, fewer and fewer kids had to go in the booster. In general, she's an excellent preschool teacher, and I'm really looking forward to my daughter starting there in September.
I also reinforced the ideas at home with two phenomenal books I got out of the library. One is called "Hands are not for hitting" the other is "teeth are not for biting". They're great books that my son loved and if I saw him about to hit, all I had to say was "what are hands for?" and he would remember not to hit.