Awkward Guest Experience- need validation

IloveHashem613

Mon, May 10 2010, 10:17 am

Firstly OP, you don't need valiation to feel uncomfortable at someone's house. Sometimes, you just can't put your finger on one thing, but just overall, you get the sense that you are not so welcome, and if that's how you feel, then that's perfectly okay. You don't need someone to tell you whether or not its true, if you feel it then its true.

That being said, I also agree with everyone else that I don't expect people to help with our bags when we go away nor do I usually help guests with their bags, I don't think there was anything wrong in that. But everything else you've mentioned sounds pretty uncomfortable. I would have felt the same as you. You just know when people are happy to have you whether they say it or not, people's actions and what they DON'T say speak volumes. I also think it sounds like there might have been a big miscommunication. I don't know the whole picture but could it be that the people who set you up there told the hosts that you guys were just sleeping there and that they wouldn't have to feed you or extend themselves in any other way. Or possibly they really didnt wants guests and were persuaded to have you guys and weren't so in the mood. I'm not saying this justifies their behavior at all but if you knew some more background, you might understand their behavior and feel better about the whole thing.

Either way, sorry you had to go through that extremely uncomfy experience and lets all use it as a lesson on how to treat your guests when we are hosting.

Chayalle

Mon, May 10 2010, 10:17 am

I do think inspired may be right. When I host, I expect the Baal Simcha to take care of food, having them hang out by their house, and serving them the meal. Your hosts may have had no idea that they were expected to host you for anything more than sleeping.

I live near a simcha hall with an eiruv to the hall, so people ask me for my guest room use very often. I try to help out but have definitely had some uncomfortable host experiences over the years. For these reasons I've had to become more selective about whom I will host and I'm specific about what I'm hosting for.

Here are some examples:

-Couple showed up with 5 kids including a 5-month-old. Before leaving Friday night (remember there's an eiruv) she hands me the baby and a bottle, and a diaper bag containing diapers and formula. Turns out I was expected to babysit! They came home Friday night after midnight, made a racket woke up the whole house. Shabbos day they left and came back after four. No nap for me the babysitter! They went down to rest, left for Seuda Shlishit and came back close to midnight once again. Why not take advantage of free babysitting?
(Since then I tell all guests-to-be my NO BABYSITTING policy when the room is booked. I've gotten some unhappy responses but my family comes first. Sorry.

-Guest that left the guest room smelling really really bad

-Guests that come in late and wake everyone up. This we've just gotten used to, but it's tough on our family. That's why I can't host every week. Sorry.

-Guests that came back in the afternoon with their kids plus other family members kids. Parked them in my playroom and went to sleep, allowing their kids to make a big mess and keep us up.

-Guest that said they lost an item, and they fully expected me to go search for it.

amother

Mon, May 10 2010, 10:33 am

Chayalle wrote:

-Couple showed up with 5 kids including a 5-month-old. Before leaving Friday night (remember there's an eiruv) she hands me the baby and a bottle, and a diaper bag containing diapers and formula. Turns out I was expected to babysit!

People actually expected and assumed that their hosts were going to babysit????!!!!!! Just insane! What is wrong with people??!!! Seriously.... I would NEVER assume that my hosts will babysit my kids unless I specifically made arrangements beforehand. Its so sad that you actually have to tell people that you have a "no babysitting" policy. Some people are just so clueless... Oh well... but I'm impressed that you still host people all the time after all those experiences. Kol Hakavod!

saw50st8

Mon, May 10 2010, 10:34 am

Chayalle, I can't believe they made you babysit. Um, didn't you say you were within the eruv? In case of emergency its one thing. But what???? Gosh, you are a saint.

OP, that does sound uncomfortable. I'm sorry you went through that. Even if I were hosting and I didn't want to, I would try to make my guests feel comfortable (unless they are those crazy guests who are already too comfortable with everything).

mominlkwd

Mon, May 10 2010, 10:42 am

Wow Chayalla, I'm shocked that you ever have guests anymore.

As for the OP I agree with others that your hosts were not planning on doing more than have you sleep by them. They probably felt uncomfortable that you were there the whole time and just didn't know how to react. I can imagine this thread going the other way. "My guest never left" with the OP saying how they agreed to host a family just for sleeping and they stayed all day and their kids played with their toys without asking and ate meals by them that they didn't really have enough food for. They even had to put out food they were planning on using during the week Wink

. I'm not saying it's right but maybe they were just put on the spot. I know we have hosted and we put water bottles in the room if the host doesn't provide a gift basket and we show them where the plastic things are and tell them to make themselves at home but if they aren't our guests we don't expect them to stay by us or eat by us unless specifically asked in advance. We also don't help them shlep to and from their car, although we do show them to their room so I guess we aren't completely boorish hosts LOL

sky

Mon, May 10 2010, 11:44 am

We put up sleeping guests often. I don't help them carry their bags. Maybe if dh is home he will help. Rarely do sleeping guests stay for shalosh suedas - and if they did I would want to know in advance. Is it possible that your host did not warn them. I normally do put out breakfast especially if they have children.

I recently had a hard stay as a sleeping guest myself. I was traveling with 3 children under the age of 3, my youngest was 5 weeks old, and I was still recovering from birth. My simcha host told me I would be getting 2 bedrooms and they would supply 2 pack 'n plays and 2 beds. I had packed a pack 'n play for some stops we were going to make along the way.
When we got there she directed us to our room. It was one teeny tiny room. With 2 beds. No pack 'n play. No room for anything at all. b'h we had one pack'n play with us. We had to put our luggage in the hallway because it didn't fit in the room with us. One child slept in each of our beds.
the host didn't say a word to us about it. She saw how many people we were and didn't even offer us additional blankets.
And then shabbos morning when we awoke I had no place to move with my kids. I ended up going to shul at the begging because there was no place for them to move. There was also no food put out (I had brought breakfast bars just in case)

[At least thats better that what happened to my SIL who was 4 weeks post partum and with a 15 month old and got locked out of their sleeping house with no supplies at all for the entire shabbos. They were staying in an empty home and the host forgot to warn them not to close the inside door. Because it jams. Their story made me more grateful for our accomadations]

Chayalle

Mon, May 10 2010, 12:35 pm

Quote:

Um, didn't you say you were within the eruv?

Yes they told me they don't use Eiruvs.

So now I tell people up front, that I won't babysit. If they don't use the Eiruv, it's up to them to come up with their own solution. My family needs me on Shabbos. I can't be busy with a baby who doesn't know me, and cries, and doesn't want to take the bottle, and I need my sleep too.

Thanks for the validation guys...not everyone understands, and they think it's a lack of chessed.

amother

Mon, May 10 2010, 1:00 pm

Chayalle, I would have offered/insisted to bring the baby to them. Then they would have had to get someone to walk baby home. I once hosted a couple whose baby had fallen asleep before shabbos. She was old enough to sleep throught the night so I offered to keep her. The parents were so appreciative.
Most hosts give out bags with snacks, drinks & a schedule so guests know what to expect. I always bring a few bottles of water, granola bars ... just in case. But so far I have been pretty lucky & haven't really had to use the secret stash, except when a kid wanted a particular item.

IloveHashem613

Mon, May 10 2010, 1:00 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Quote:

Um, didn't you say you were within the eruv?

its just soo crazy to me that people think its a lack of chesed on your part to be willing to host them but not willing to babysit... as if you are obligated to host people and watch their kids... sheesh!

saw50st8

Mon, May 10 2010, 1:19 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Quote:

Um, didn't you say you were within the eruv?

I would have told them "Feel free to stay here with your baby. I'll give you something to eat."

There is no way I would have watched the baby for them. Especially Shabbos afternoon?!?!?!?

You are a wonderful person.

Barbara

Mon, May 10 2010, 1:37 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Quote:

Um, didn't you say you were within the eruv?

I'm still in shock that anyone would expect you to watch their kid. Especially since they didn't know you, how did they know you weren't going to neglect or abuse the baby?

I confess, unless we happen to know the people as well, or are specifically asked to provide food, it would never occur to me that I was supposed to feed people who are staying with me as someone else's guests, beyond a cursory cup of coffee or something. I would have breakfast available, though.

life'sgreat

Mon, May 10 2010, 2:11 pm

Chayalle wrote:

/picks jaw off floor/
That's insane. And people think of it as a lack of chesed? I wonder if they are all so generous as to agree to babysitting strangers' babies on top of hosting said strangers.

justcallmeima

Mon, May 10 2010, 2:17 pm

The OP made me rethink how I view myself as a hostess. I always thought I was very good at it, but when I see how totally uncomfortable she felt and I look at what the hostess did, I wonder, have I ever made my guests feel unwelcome unknowingly? Sometimes I'm all "Guested out" after having 10-15 people every week who don't help and I feel like a maid/short order cook/psychologist/babysitter/etc etc etc

Raisin

Mon, May 10 2010, 2:24 pm

the problem with reading these types of posts, is that I think, oh, I am such a bad hostess. But since I don't always have time or energy to be a better hostess, maybe I should just not host?

Although some of those things were inexcusable. A friendly demeanor goes a long way to making up for lack of time to prepare elaborate breakfasts, carry luggage, etc.

(as for not opening thoses salads, they probably didn't want to open them if they were not going to be eaten by anyone. Once open, they go off more quickly. You should certainly have opened them yourself if you wanted them)

groisamomma

Tue, May 11 2010, 1:38 am

[quote="Chayalle"]

Quote:

Thanks for the validation guys...not everyone understands, and they think it's a lack of chessed.

I've also noticed that when I decline to do someone a favor (not often at all) it's viewed as a lack of chesed and not because it really doesn't work out for me. EX: we were asked to give some people a ride to Monsey for a wedding that many other family members were also attending. I had not had time with dh to myself for as long as I can remember and had saved so many things to tell him when the kids weren't around. I passed on the chesed and gave them my sil number. She informed me at the wedding meal in front of everyone that doing chesed never hurt anybody and that if someone's in the car anyway, what does it hurt to give others a ride? Duh, she can't understand me cuz her two kids are all grown, but it doesn't make it a lack of chesed to not go out of your way for others when it's nearly impossible for you.

Chayalle, I agree with everyone here that you are a saint for still hosting people.

sarahd

Tue, May 11 2010, 5:46 am

ChanaRochel wrote:

Been there way too many times. If I had to guess, you are shy OOT ppl, and this was a very heimish and /or Boro Parky family, that invites ppl and does Hachnasa Orhim because its socially expected or because they really want to, but its on their terms...

Dont take it personally...

What a judgmental "guess". Wow.

Mirabelle

Tue, May 11 2010, 7:09 am

Raisin wrote:

A friendly demeanor goes a long way to making up for lack of time to prepare elaborate breakfasts, carry luggage, etc.

I agree 100%!!! My best guest experiences had much more to do with a friendly attitude than fancy food or fancy linens. I think my worst guest experience was when I had no idea that the baal simcha found my hosts last minute and the hosts made it very clear that they were not interested in hosting that weekend. So awkward! B"H I was alone that weekend, but boy did I get out of there fast as soon as shobbos was over!!

Not to toot my own horn, but whenever we have guests my DH goes to extremes to make guests feel welcome, to the point that I find it sometimes embarrasing. He will do things like literally empty our fridge laying out elaborate snacks, meals, etc.