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In this week's Jewish Press...what do you think?
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cindy324




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 29 2006, 6:13 pm
Quote:
Dear Rachel,

It seems I chose the wrong profession. Frum, young women don’t really do what I do anymore. I am an anomaly in my field and I’m lonely. I’m a stay-at-home mother.

What are we doing to our children? I see them everywhere – Russian, Spanish, black, non-Jewish babysitters – taking care of our little ones. I take my baby to the park, to the library, to lunch, to the learning center, and I am alone. Oh, the parks are packed with Jewish children, but no Jewish mothers. And when I finally do see a frum mother with a carriage, I pounce on her. Who are you? Where are you from?

You – mother of young children reading this – who leaves your precious children with babysitters while you are out all day – be it for work, the gym, lunch, the beauty salon, to shop – shame on you for not recognizing that Hashem has given you an unimaginable gift that you are too selfish or foolish to appreciate.

I’ve heard all the excuses and they are all pathetic: “My husband learns and I support the family.” You, who travel from Lakewood to Brooklyn and back again and sometimes don’t see your children at all until the weekend (which you sleep through due to exhaustion), call on any Gadol you want – go ahead and I dare you to do it right now – and ask him if your husband’s limud Torah is worth the sacrifice of chinuch habanim. He will say NO.

“We need two incomes to live on.” So do I. I work part time and have a sweet Russian babysitter who stays with my baby for three hours a day. I work from home, too, after the baby goes to sleep. Part-time work, even if you don’t need it, is a great way to get out a little. I understand that mothers need a break. And if part-time work is not enough, then beg. Borrow. Move to a community with a lower standard of living. Do whatever you have to do. Personally? I would sell the shoes off my feet before I’d let a stranger kiss my precious little neshamala good night.

“I have too many kids, too close together.” I’m not even going there. If you were too stupid to figure out the ABC’s of birth control, you’re probably too stupid to raise your own kids. Maybe they are better off with the babysitter.

“I love my kids, but it’s been my lifetime dream to be a lawyer, doctor.” Your baby needs a mommy. Not a babysitter, not a grandma, not even a daddy. A mommy. You made a lifetime commitment to that child the moment it was conceived, and it’s your duty to fulfill it. Don’t say you can be both – because you can’t. If you are a lawyer or a doctor and you work full time, then you are not a mother. Simple. True. Either wait until your children are in school – or don’t have kids.

How do you all live with yourselves – knowing that while you are out working or shopping or primping, your son took his first step and you weren’t there to hug him? That while you were away getting your “me time” your daughter splashed all the water out of her tub and giggled her head off nonstop for 10 minutes straight?

Believe it or not, it is you who is missing out. There is no joy that compares to the joy of loving your children. No job will ever come close. My daughter learned how to stand today. I came to her crib this morning and found her standing up for the first time, holding on to the bars and grinning her chubby little face off. That grin went straight to my heart. It will probably stay there about a year.

I went through some infertility problems before my daughter was born, and through my experience I met some extraordinary women. One with nine failed IVF cycles … another with eight miscarriages. Every one of these women would happily sell themselves as maids if they could only know the joy of having children. And believe me, when they do, they won’t be dumping them off on non-Jews to raise.

People say not to judge. I say, JUDGE!! Let’s walk into the homes and schools of our communities and pull out these mothers and judge them – for the misguided, foolish, undeserving women that they are. Why is the teenage-at-risk population growing? Why are our children growing up and turning to drugs? Have you ever asked them? I have. And many say – because I needed my mommy. And she wasn’t there.

She wasn’t there.

Are you?

A Mother



Is anyone as outraged at this as I am? I'd love to hear your opinions!
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Crayon210




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 29 2006, 6:18 pm
This rant is appalling for many reasons:

1. Comparing work with social outings? Inappropriate.

2. Birth control advocacy? Don't get me started.

3. You CAN'T be a mother and a __________? What a stereotype. Some SAHMs can't be a mother, period, and some ___________s are great moms as well. Rolling Eyes

4. JUDGE? We don't judge people, not in my religion.

5. I do not believe that "many" said "Because I needed my mommy and she wasn't there," with regard to drugs.
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Ruchel




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 29 2006, 6:27 pm
She just wants to be told she's a good mother, so she must not be so sure of herself and her choices to attack others.
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red sea




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 29 2006, 6:46 pm
Whoa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This thread is going to be on fire fast!, its got drugs, birth control, working vs staying home, influence of non jews on raising kids all rolled into one!

She may have gone too far, but underneath the overdoing it, it is very sad that vast amounts of our kids generation of jews is essentially being raised by non-jews.

When we were all kids, jewish mothers met other jewish mothers in the park. Now, she's right, during the week, they're all at the park with the help.

No matter how ticked off you are about her overdone rant, you do see the truth in this, no?

And Crayon, the bit about the drugs is sorta true, kids with good parental relationships as the kids view the relationship are usually not the kids who get into trouble, but how that relates to who works and who stays home isn't a rule.

I would even guess it bothers this lady as much as it does due to her personal experience with infertility.

BUT BOY DID SHE LAY IT ON THICK, and probably quite insulting to some, but that's what makes good press, no?
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goldrose




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 29 2006, 6:48 pm
forget the nitty bitty details of the article, I think she's right. most kids today dont have their mother there for them as much as is good for them.
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stem




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 29 2006, 6:53 pm
I say it's about time someone spoke her mind about this insane phenomena without being afraid of being politically incorrect.
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kutiepie




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 29 2006, 7:01 pm
kudos to the auther of that article. It might not be a popular point of view but it is so on target.
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avigayil




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 29 2006, 7:07 pm
Well, she certainly didn't mince words did she?

I believe she brings up some valid points, not in the most diplomatic manner though.
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Ruchel




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 29 2006, 7:11 pm
avigayil wrote:

I believe she brings up some valid points, not in the most diplomatic manner though.


Too bad the way she expresses herself will only appeal to people who are "fanatic" about the same things as she is... She could have said the same thing with a bit of consideration for other opinions and also people who just can't be SAHMs even if they want to.
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Mama Bear




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 29 2006, 7:23 pm
she is coming off way too strong. THe majority of working mothers are home by 3 p.m. or 5 p.m. and many many have heimishe babysiters from the community and not non jewish babysitters. She cant generalize like that!
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southernbubby




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 29 2006, 7:36 pm
Uh, I know someone personally who jumped headlong into the working mother thing when her baby was new and had a lousy relationship with the kid by the time she was 4. The mother came home from work but soon had to be at the gym to work out. She also had evening social obligations, as well as a home to maintain. All of this "Jewish mother" love that you hear about never happened here. No bond, no connection. I gave up my career as a nurse and stayed at home and breastfed. We did without a lot of things to pay full tuition on one income. My kids and I are BH very close and connected
Not all working mothers are this guilty and it is not a one-size fits all situation, but rarely seeing a kid is asking for trouble.
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Flowerchild




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 29 2006, 8:14 pm
there are mothers who stay at home and hate and there are mothers who stay at home and love it. then there are mothers who work and love it and have great relationships with their children, then there are mothers who work and have horrible relationships with their children. it takes all kinds and all kinds of personalities and needs and wants and ways they show love. my mother worked full time and yet I am extremely close with her, because she took time to remember me.

not all people, couples, families can live on one income some really cant and its tough on them, so for women to go work is not a crime nor is it a crime for a woman to go to the gym. however, you need your prioroties streight. I go to school full time and I have ton of work to do and it takes up my time a lot, I also go to the gym, but my son is very close to me and I am to him, because I know that he needs me and so I find time to spend with him and if I have to stay up untill 3 in the morning studying then I will as long as my son has me first. am I a bad mother for wanting to go to work? no, I dont think that women need to completly give up the outside world. I think that mothers need and should be home with their children for the first two years of their childs life but after kids go to school long hours till 4, why stay home?
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southernbubby




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 29 2006, 8:32 pm
Lily, the subject is mothers of babies who are gone all day. Once all of the kids are in school, of course the mom goes to work! Or she volunteers. That is another flip side to the working mother issue. Jewish communities, both frum and non-frum thrive on volunteerism. There is not as much of that happening anymore with all of the moms at work. You could have a separate thread on that and on fathers who are such workaholics or learnaholics that they rarely act like fathers. Song writers both Jewish and gentile have written songs about dads who miss out on their kids childhood.
A baby whose mother works may not (notice that I used disclaimer terminology) bond the same way that a baby who is with the mother more hours of the day bonds. It does take concerted effort. Although I was not working, my youngest spent his first 5 months in the NICU. I worked hard to establish a bond in the few hours that I was there each day. After a few months he did seem to prefer me over the nurses because it was the same "me" everyday but the nurses changed shifts, days, etc. It was not the same bond as with my other babies until he had been home for awhile. That is why I feel that a few hours a day of mothering an infant may shortchange them.
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Flowerchild




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 29 2006, 8:49 pm
southernbubby, I agree the bonding a working mother with their infants is not the same as a stay at home mom, and I personally stayed with my son for two years of his life, now he is in playgroup. today living is pretty expensive and I am sure many will say well, cut some things out. in my view its not practical. your children, your family comes first, but money is important as well to support your family. I am struggling right now, and we are cutting quite a few things, but its a huge stress, why go through that? there are plenty of working mothers out there who take care of their children and love them and their children are close to their mothers as well. I have friends who work full time and who go to school, yet they are very close with their children and took care of them, maybe it wasnt full time but they did it. not every mother leaves her kids with god knows who or doesnt take care of them if she works. its a very broad assumtion, there is plenty on one side and the other.
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baby's mom




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 29 2006, 8:51 pm
I completely agree with the letter!
Today in most societies, we are not taught to appreciate the fact that we will be mothers, how to cope with children...We are not encouraged to stay home with our little ones..the value system is changing and mother's are willing to leave their children for long hours...
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baby's mom




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 29 2006, 8:53 pm
Mindy wrote:
she is coming off way too strong. THe majority of working mothers are home by 3 p.m. or 5 p.m. and many many have heimishe babysiters from the community and not non jewish babysitters. She cant generalize like that!


very long hours. So how many hours does the child have with his parents? 3? Sad Heimishe babysitters may be Heimishe but they do not = mother.
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mali




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 29 2006, 9:11 pm
I don't quite see the difference between
Quote:
I work part time and have a sweet Russian babysitter who stays with my baby for three hours a day.
and
Quote:
I see them everywhere – Russian, Spanish, black, non-Jewish babysitters – taking care of our little ones.

I had a very nice russian babysitter for my second and third babies. she came for about 3 hours a day, and took them for a walk when the weather permitted. so this woman would have met her in the park, and pounce on me with fury. taking the baby out is one thing I need a babysitter for. she can ask her babysitter to just stay home with the baby if that's what suits her, and also warn the kid not to do anything new while she's away Wink. what makes her think she's better that the others?
btw, being home with a baby all day doesn't guarantee anything for the future. unfortunately, I see many idealistic people like her, who give their babies so much love and attention, but have very little patience for them once they're older and want their exhausted mothers to listen to their stories all afternoon, after they have been taking care of their babies all morning. I actually think it would be advisable for such mothers to get someone to either go out with their babies in the morning, or with the older kids in the afternoon. both mothers and children will be happy with such an arrangement.
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Mommy912




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 29 2006, 9:12 pm
Quote:
Dear Rachel,
......
A Mother


Wow! It looks like amother has widened her audience and is branching on out from Imamother.com. Or is she one of us?
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mali




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 29 2006, 9:15 pm
Mommy912 wrote:
Quote:
Dear Rachel,
......
A Mother


Wow! It looks like amother has widened her audience and is branching on out from Imamother.com. Or is she one of us?
LOL LOL LOL
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gryp




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jun 29 2006, 9:15 pm
mali, that was one reason I couldnt agree with the writer. because she works parttime and has a babysitter for those hours.
although I agree with the basic (unexaggerated) points of the letter, I think she's a bit hypocritical in this area.
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