Is it dh's place? | Imamother

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Forum -> Parenting our children

Is it dh's place?

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amother

Tue, May 18 2010, 3:58 pm

Every time 14 yr old dd gets cranky or doesn't feel well dh asks her if it's her time of the month. dd feels very uncomfortable and hates it. Should I say something to dh or is it dd's problem?

happy chick

Tue, May 18 2010, 4:12 pm

dont yet have teenagers, but sounds like it should be her call. if she told you that it makes her uncomfortable, ask her if she wants to talk to him or she wants you to. if she wants you to, then I guess its your job.

Barbara

Tue, May 18 2010, 4:18 pm

amother wrote:

Every time 14 yr old dd gets cranky or doesn't feel well dh asks her if it's her time of the month. dd feels very uncomfortable and hates it. Should I say something to dh or is it dd's problem?

Its extremely condescending.

If a man feels ill, poor guy must be coming down with something. If he gets angry or cranky, then by-gum, there's a reason for it.

Woman? She must be on the rag.

While it would be nice if she could talk to him about it, she may not be at that level of maturity. You should tell him (a) its offensive in general; and (b) she has a right to privacy with respect to her body functions.

faigie

Tue, May 18 2010, 4:43 pm

ditto on barbara......

amother

Tue, May 18 2010, 5:24 pm

I meant does dd have an issue or is it normal for her to be uncomfortable with her father saying such stuff?

melbee

Tue, May 18 2010, 5:32 pm

I think it's totally normal to be uncomfortable with anyone, and that includes a parent, making a comment like that. And Barbara is right, it's very condescending. I would never be comfortable with anyone, friend or family, making that comment (and I have heard it around).

sequoia

Tue, May 18 2010, 5:32 pm

Your daughter is absolutely right to be uncomfortable with such comments.

Tablepoetry

Thu, May 20 2010, 4:52 am

amother wrote:

I meant does dd have an issue or is it normal for her to be uncomfortable with her father saying such stuff?

I can't imagine that many teenagers (frum or not) would be comfortable with their father discussing their menstrual cycles. The issue is your husband's, not hers.

libramom

Thu, May 20 2010, 4:58 am

especialy the FATHER
girls are very sensitive to comments of that nature from their dads.
can be very harmful!

Inspired

Thu, May 20 2010, 5:03 am

ita with Barbara as well.

amother

Thu, May 20 2010, 2:47 pm

I think you should bring it up w/ your husband. I found it very condescending when my brothers would say that kind of stuff to me.

lizard8

Thu, May 20 2010, 3:02 pm

ditto to e/o else. Tell dh to keep it to himself.

Isramom8

Thu, May 20 2010, 3:25 pm

Do stand up for her - it's a matter of respect. Her body is hers, and she can volunteer as much or as little info as she wants, but a man cannot infringe on her privacy. She should be self contained enough to know that she doesn't have to share certain things just because someone asks.

Why my dd's actually don't mind their father knowing when they are menstruating is weird to me. Maybe it's because he answers taharas hamishpacha shailos? But it's not like he always asks, just if it comes up they're not hiding anything.

Liba

Thu, May 20 2010, 3:35 pm

You need to speak with your husband.

Tablepoetry

Thu, May 20 2010, 3:51 pm

I wonder- is your dh Israeli? Because I've found Israelis (especially non frum) are extremely open about these things. Girls have no problem announcing they've got their period in mixed company, and need pads or don't feel well or what not. I didn't grow up like this, but I have to admit there's something freeing about that attitude.

Still, I find your dh's comments very intrusive. If your daughter wants to let him know, that's fine; it's none of his business to guess or make demeaning comments.

Isramom8

Thu, May 20 2010, 4:16 pm

Liba wrote:

You need to speak with your husband.

Me?

Liba

Thu, May 20 2010, 4:20 pm

Isramom8 wrote:

Liba wrote:

You need to speak with your husband.

Me?

If you are the OP.

Ruchel

Thu, May 20 2010, 6:21 pm

Not normal unless he's asking out of concern and there is no mother to ask. BH not the case here.

louche

Fri, May 21 2010, 1:04 pm

DH is totally inappropriate for a number of reasons: 1. dd's biological status is a private matter that he has no need to know. He's embarrassing her, invading her privacy, violating rules of tzniut, and setting her up to accept inappropriate behavior from other males in her life. a df should treat a dd the way he would like other males in her life to treat her. 2. He's being what in my younger years was known as a male chauvinist pig, attributing any negative emotion or performance on the part of a female person to her reproductive cycle. It's highly demeaning.

amother

Fri, May 21 2010, 2:14 pm

op here. Dh also paskens shailos about niddah but is not israeli. I would definitely not stand for her brothers asking such questions. I guess I'll have a talk with dh about this.

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