toxic person--how to handle?

amother

Tue, May 25 2010, 9:59 pm

Not sure if this should be here or under friends and friendship, but the person isn't a friend.

In my shul there's an older single woman with a number of problems who feels she's been badly treated by the community and is very bitter about things in general. more often thn not she's sarcastic and abrasive, does nothing to make herself especially pleasant, but at the same time is very lonely, looking for social contacts and complaining that people don't invite her for meals. On the one hand I feel sorry for her bec she has had some tough breaks in life, and it's entirely possible that she's been treated badly by at least some people, but otoh I believe her lack of friends and invitations stems more from her personality than from anything else. She's a botomless pit of negativity, rarely having anything good to say about anyone, and aside from the LH problem, it's just plain exhausting to listen to nonstop griping! And, kah she can talk-and talk-and talk and you can't get a word in to even try to redirect the flow to something positive. Say something nice about someone or something and she'll come back with something nasty. I'm not kidding. Say how nice it is that the a/c is on and she'll remind you that half the winter the heat didn't work. Say how nice it is that someone donated new chumashim and she'll say the old ones were better. Or why did they buy this cheap edition?

So out of the blue she calls me up about some issue of minor local politics affecting her zip code. She goes on and on and on, saying only one or two nasty things about one or two people, and never seems to come to any point. Eventually I figure out that she called me because she thought I knew something about this issue, but she's staying on the phone because she needs an ear. The actual question could have been asked in one sentence, after a two-sentence explanation of the situation. I gave herthe name of someone who would know the answer. Of course she had to come back at me with "yes he would know but I'm sure he's not there now" to which I said "I'm sure you can leave a message with whoever answers thephone" to which she said she was sure the office would be closed by now, to which I said "if he doesn't have voicemail you can call tomorrow" to which she said "tomorrow will be too late." That's another of her trademarks: anything anyone suggests gets rebutted with reasons why it won't work. Incidentally, the matter isn't urgent and not only is tomorrow not too late, but neither is the next day.

understand that I seriously dislike this woman and am having a hard time beng polite to her, aside from the fact that she's just talking and talking to hear herself talk and filling me with details I neither need nor want to hear. Understand that I've told her threee times to call mr. X because he knows this stuff and it's pointless to tell me because I know nothing about it. understand that she's taking up a good chunk of my very limited leisure time, so not only am I not having fun here but she's eating up what little chance I have to have any fun. I don't want to be outright rude, after all she's a good deal older than I am and a rechmonus case in a way, but otoh my survival instinct is screaming!

WWYD?

Merrymom

Tue, May 25 2010, 10:39 pm

Gosh, it would be a real pleasure to just print out your post and give it to her, wouldn't it? Do you think she realizes how she sounds to other people? I almost feel like it would be a mitzvah to anonymously send her a note or buy her one of Dale Carnegie's books (How to Win Friends and Influence People, yes I read that when I was about 14 LOL

).

I'm sorry I don't have any real advice on how to deal with her otherwise, somebody that's been like this has been like this for many years. I guess you can just play dumb and pretend that you didn't hear any of her negative comments and just be super chirpy to compensate.

life'sgreat

Wed, May 26 2010, 10:13 pm

Merrymom wrote:

I know this was said entirely in jest, but I think it's one of the cruelest things one can do. Really cruel. It isn't done to make it easier for the recipient, but because the sender is a coward, plain and simple. If you feel that there's something that should be done or said, do so. Sending something anonymously is not only extremely hurtful, but a person doesn't take mussar from just anyone, but from those who care about them or love them. So not only is the person hurt, but they are hurt for nothing.

And they are literally left wondering forever who sent that.