bil "calling child abuse y we don't give ds a pacifier&

amother

Wed, May 26 2010, 11:18 pm

we hardly ever use a pacifier. the baby is not interested in it. we take care of him without the use of a pacifier.
we do have pacifiers but use them rarely.

my in-laws wanted to see the baby so my dh dropped him off at mil/fil house.
a few minutes later I get several phone calls and text messages from dh's divorced brother.
he's angry why we don't give our baby a pacifier.
his latest text message: "I'm calling child abuse, y don't you give him a pacifier"

what do you think of this?
WWYD?

chaylizi

Wed, May 26 2010, 11:22 pm

That is rude (and possibly dangerous that he considers you abusive). There is nothing abusive about not giving a pacifier. It's not even always a choice. My DS wouldn't take one for love or money. He is a normal, well adjusted child.

I would not continue to bring him to your il's if your dh's brother is there. Especially do not drop him off by himself. If your in laws cannot control him, you will have to restrict access.

WriterMom

Wed, May 26 2010, 11:25 pm

amother wrote:

Utter nonsense - a number of people believe that the ideal is no pacifiers.

The bigger issue, though, is boundaries with this guy.

amother

Wed, May 26 2010, 11:29 pm

WriterMom wrote:

amother wrote:

Utter nonsense - a number of people believe that the ideal is no pacifiers.

The bigger issue, though, is boundaries with this guy.

hi, and thank you for your answers. can you please elaborate on " the bigger issue is boundaries with this guy"?
thank you

WriterMom

Wed, May 26 2010, 11:45 pm

First, how you parent is none of his business. This isn't a question of basic health or cruelty, it's a parenting choice. I'm not a fan of formula feeding unless there is no option (to put it mildly) but it's utterly ludicrous to suggest it's "child abuse" of any sort, and there is far more of a consensus about whether or not to breastfeed than about whether or not to use a soother. Does he have strong opinions about whether you co-sleep or CIO? It's not his concern.

Second, if he's remotely serious about reporting you to someone, he's unbalanced. If you see someone beating or starving a child, then you should call CPS. Disagreement about parenting issues does not by any stretch of the imagination warrant reporting someone.

Third, this is not someone you want around your kids without close supervision. If he does not agree that this was a wildly inappropriate reaction (maybe it was an exceptionally bad day and this was completely out of character? or is this typical?) I'd avoid him. Does he live with your in-laws? Is he a big part of your day to day life?

amother

Wed, May 26 2010, 11:46 pm

amother wrote:

he also hung up on me both times he called- he said what he wanted to say, and if I tried to say anything, he either repeated himself or hung up on me.
after the two text messages he sent me, my inbox is full so for now he can't send more.
I called my in laws to check if everything is ok, and I heard him yelling in the background that he's calling child abuse because there is no pacifier....(like what he wrote in the text message) and then the phone was hung up on me.

amother

Wed, May 26 2010, 11:49 pm

Whoa, hold it. Can you even call child abuse about such a petty matter?

He sounds like a master manipulator who is used to coercing people into doing what he wants, so I'd stay away from him. Do you really want such a hot-headed person near your son? G*d only knows what he can do to your ds in a fit.

For the future, if you have reason to believe he would do such a crazy thing to you, prepare yourself in advance. We were advised to do this ONLY if we had sufficient reason to believe the other party would call Social Services (and we knew they would, in a heartbeat, out of revenge and anger).

Call up your local Social Services liason (usually frum), and explain who/what is going on. They will probably want to check you out anyway-just a cursory visit, to ascertain that things are really okay, then they'll write up a notice about this person in your file as a warning to other worker's that may get a phone call. They do this, so that you don't have to be bothered with the whole child abuse business if your bil does end up calling on you.

Be careful of such people; they can be poisonous and dangerous.
Good Luck!

amother

Wed, May 26 2010, 11:52 pm

amother wrote:

he also said that the baby is crying and he's trying to sleep so the baby's crying is not letting him sleep. by the way, this is going on right now.

Roche

Thu, May 27 2010, 12:04 am

amother wrote:

yelling ab no pacifier? threatening to call child abuse? why do u even take him seriuosly for a second? sounds like he has issues. I would totally ignore and try to avoid him.

mamommommy

Thu, May 27 2010, 12:11 am

amother wrote:

[b][b]he also said that the baby is crying and he's trying to sleep so the baby's crying is not letting him sleep. [/b][/b]by the way, this is going on right now.

Well, I think we solved the mystery of what his problem is. He's trying to sleep so he thinks that if you give him the pacifier, the baby will be quiet and he'll get to sleep. Tell him that he can use the pacifier himself. Seriously, your bil sounds extremely immature and self-centered. As long as your mil and fil don't agree with him, let him (your bil) have his tantrum and you can ignore him.

life'sgreat

Thu, May 27 2010, 12:14 am

amother wrote:

he also said that the baby is crying and he's trying to sleep so the baby's crying is not letting him sleep. by the way, this is going on right now.

Ah, I was waiting for something like this. It's about HIM and HIS need to sleep. And PLUG THAT FACE SO THAT I CAN SLEEP! I'd be there in a jiffy to pick up the child.

amother

Thu, May 27 2010, 1:03 am

my husband is working now. we don't have a car, but he rented one temporarily for work.
my in laws wanted to see the baby, so my husband dropped off the baby there for an hour or two while he goes to a customer and works and then he will pick up the baby and bring him back home.
I am home.
in the meantime, I can't reach my husband because his cellphone died and he called me from a number and said I can call him at that number but when I called it I got a company and couldn't reach him. I didn't know what extension to dial and the customer service rep didn't know who I wanted.
my hubby has the car and car seat. I am at home and would be fine wth the baby but my in laws constantly want to see the baby and since dh had a car tonight, he took the baby there for an hour or two till he finishes working.
now I got another text message from my bil saying "sorry I found the pacifier he is sleeping good"
I called my mil and apparently they actually finally decided to look in the diaper bag and there was a pacifier there. I guess they assumed it wasn't there because they've seen that we don't usually use it. I had told them that I wasn't sure whether it's there and they could check. anyway, the baby didn't want it. so my bil said that it's too small. yeah right.
anyway, my dh just called now while I was typing this. he finished working and he is going now to pick up the baby and bring him home.

imaima

Thu, May 27 2010, 5:28 am

chaylizi wrote:

ITA
This is ridiculous.

imaima

Thu, May 27 2010, 5:32 am

amother wrote:

I think they all were just overwhelmed by baby screaming. YOU should have gone to pick him up right away

chaylizi

Thu, May 27 2010, 9:00 am

amother wrote:

I think there is a certain time that should be too late for having your baby out. 1 am is time for the baby to be in his own sleeping area. Next time they ask for him at night, I think you should say no.

Raizle

Thu, May 27 2010, 9:07 am

chaylizi wrote:

amother wrote:

She didn't say what time it was. Could have been middle of the day.
Remember, not everyone lives in the same time zone.

and I doubt her husband would be going to see a customer in the middle of the night