Paying a Shiva Call by Phone

mrsERK

Thu, Jun 03 2010, 6:22 pm

Any suggestions? I've never done this before but a family friend died so I intend to call to speak with both the widow and three sons of the deceased.
I'm not very good with shiva houses in person, and I'm even more nervous about doing this over the phone.
What do I say? (other than the hamakom yinachem...)

Yocheved84

Thu, Jun 03 2010, 6:33 pm

evers10 wrote:

Oh I wish I could go in person! I'm just not in the same city as the family so it is not possible.

They're probably not going to be in the mood to talk, so the phone call won't take more than five minutes. You're just calling to expres your sympathies, say you're sorry you can't be there, and you should BH see one another again during simcha, not tsurris. It'll be such a short phone call.

Will it be awkward? Yes. But will it be a quick call, and also the right thing to do (which you acknowledge)? Yes. Also, send a card.

Hope this helps.

bubby

Fri, Jun 04 2010, 5:45 pm

chocolate moose wrote:

I always send a card. It's very hard to go in person.

If a person CAN go (ie in the same city) that is the Mitzvah. Sending a card is an easy way out & isn't a Mitzvah. But it is very nice to do that or phone if you physically can't go. I have driven to Canada to be Menachem Avel, but when I sat in UK I only heard from 3 people in the US. That was hurtful. I'm still waiting, 16 years later, for one of my neighbors to acknowledge my father died.

OP, don't worry, your friend will really appreciate your thoughtfulness. May we only call for simchos!

Isramom8

Sat, Jun 05 2010, 4:50 pm

Say "I'm so sorry about your loss," and then just listen. When I sat shiva for my mother a"h, the meaningful part was the FIRST SECOND that anyone visited or called. then I knew they cared, and I felt comforted. As far as the mitzva to me, they could have left or hung up after one second.

What made me Rolling Eyes

was how people either started asking 'what happened exactly" or talking about someone they knew who had the same condition or their relative who died - as if they wanted to figure out how to prevent death or like it was all about them. Don't do that. Just listen and make listening noises.

The worst thing was when some unrelated topic of conversation came up and a visitor started arguing with me! Like, just leave, okay? I'm sitting shiva here!

Bubby, I'm sorry to hear of your father's petira. Crying

bubby

Sat, Jun 05 2010, 11:11 pm

Isramom8 wrote:

Thanks...after 16 years it's still very hard, especially when I see all his DGGC whom he never got to see. He would have been bursting with pride & Yiddishe/Chassidishe nachas (even though he wasn't Chassidish.) 3 of them are named for him. His yartzheit is 17 Tammuz, exactly 2 weeks after the Rebbe. I hate Tammuz. It's a very hard month for me.

Your comment about people speaking narishkeit...oh boy! I had to listen to some doozies! And when I was being menachem avel someone else whose DH was tragically killed I sat through another woman's verbal c**p. It was worse than everything that was said to me put together! If people don't know what to say, say nothing. You came, you care. It's enough.

May we only enjoy simchos together!

Levtov

Sun, Jun 06 2010, 1:49 am

I've had many times, that I could not personally attend a shiva call, and sent a fax instead. I heard back all the time, how much it was appreciated. They can read it many times when convenient. Also, many family members can read it. I usually say comforting words to family and something nice about the nifter ending with " Hamokom yenachem..."