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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Infants
how often do your in laws meet your baby?
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| at least once a week, for over an hour, they insist |
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8% |
[ 7 ] |
| at least once every two weeks |
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15% |
[ 12 ] |
| at least once every month |
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14% |
[ 11 ] |
| at least 3-4 times a year |
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29% |
[ 23 ] |
| at least 1-2 times a year |
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12% |
[ 10 ] |
| less than once a year |
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6% |
[ 5 ] |
| other, please elaborate below |
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12% |
[ 10 ] |
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| Total Votes : 78 |
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amother
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 Mon, Jun 21 2010, 6:56 pm
how often do your in laws meet, see and spend time with your baby?
I am the same op that my brother in law threatened that he'll call child abuse because we don't give my son a pacifier.
my mother in law expects to see my baby every week, for at least an hour. (and wants even more than that.)
when she didn't get to see him last week on wednesday night, she was very upset because it was a week since she saw him last.
we drove by on thursday night so she can come out for a few minutes to see the baby. she kept saying "it's not enough"
now she says she hasn't seen him for two weeks, even though she saw him a few days ago and a week ago. but even if she hadn't seen him in two weeks, I don't think it's such a big deal, but she does.
she kept saying she wanted to come on sunday (yesterday) and she's very upset that she wasn't invited yesterday.
I invited her to come visit tonight after 9, but she insists she wants to come earlier because she wants to be here for at least an hour.
I think it's unreasonable that she expects to always spend at least an hour with him every single week. can't she give us a break? is it really the end of the world if she would see him less often?
so anyway, I'm wondering if her requests are unreasonable and how often do most in laws see their grandchild.
the last time she was at my house (less than two weeks ago) she was critical of a number of things.
I can't leave the baby alone in her house or with her in our house, and when I'm there, my in laws can be very critical, among other things, some of which are in the other thread about the pacifier.
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yo'ma
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Mon, Jun 21 2010, 6:59 pm
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My mil doesn't expect anything. If she comes, she'll see him, if she doesn't she won't. When they get a older, like when they would walk, my dh brings all the kids to his parents house sunday morning when he does some errands, so she sees them then.
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MommyZ
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Mon, Jun 21 2010, 7:03 pm
More then 3-4 times a year less then once a month but closer to once a month. She would like to see them once a week and for a while she did but if she doesn't she's ok with it too. My mil is awesome  .
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CTSunshine
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Mon, Jun 21 2010, 7:31 pm
With me I want my inlaws to be more involved in my daughters life, and if anything am offended if they go for a long time without seeing her. When she was first born to a year old my inlaws would occasionally come over, but mainly would only see her if I brought her over to their house. A lot of times weeks would go by without them seeing her (we live in the same community about 7 blocks away). It would be very difficult for me to bring her in the winter because there was so much snow, and I dont have a car. I would actually shed tears that they didnt ever make an effort to see my daughter when they had a car and the conveinece to come over. My parents were the opposite with their grandchildren and always went out of their way to be a part of their grandchildrens lives.. My mother would always help my SIL and take the kids out to the park on Sunday or for Shabbos afternoon. Thats just how I expected things to be.
My Inlaws are not like my parents in that respect but are amazing inlaws in every way. They are the sweetest nicest people. I realized that my husband and I had to move closer to their house in order for them to see my daughter more.. we moved a block away from them a year ago and they have seen alot more of her since. Im still the one bringing her over their house, but at least they see each other much more frequently. Most times once a week on Shabbos day, but lately I even bring her during the week as well.
I find it interesting that you have a problem with a grandparent trying to forge a relationship with her grandchild. Her grandchild is so precious to her that she wants to spend time with her.. I find that beautiful.. even though you may not get along so well with her, your child needs grandparents to be part of his/her life. My grandmother was a very overbearing person with BIG opinions (she was Israeli and anti-religious) and my mother prob did not get along with her so well in the beginning, but my grandmother LOOOOOOOOVED spending time with us, and would visit every week. Because of that, all of us grandchildren had an incredable relationship with her until the day she passed away. And guess what, in the end, her and my mother became so close because of it. My mother became her 'favorite' and she even lived with our family the last 7 years of her life.
Please give this loving Bubby a chance. All she wants is to give love to her grandchildren.
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amother
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Mon, Jun 21 2010, 7:39 pm
 My parents, who live a plane ride away, probably see my kids more often than my in-laws, who live about 1/2 hour away by car. No joke.
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WriterMom
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Mon, Jun 21 2010, 8:15 pm
| amother wrote: | | My parents, who live a plane ride away, probably see my kids more often than my in-laws, who live about 1/2 hour away by car. No joke. |
Likewise. This is in part because my husband thinks it best this way, and I'm not about to override him, for many reasons.
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the world's best mom
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Mon, Jun 21 2010, 8:21 pm
I understand you completely, OP, but I must say that I do also understand your mil. I don't think she's right, but I could see how a grandmother could want to see her grandchildren often.
My in-laws used to expect us to come for supper once a week. It was very difficult for me, and for my kids, who always had to miss their bedtime on the nights we went to the in-laws. My husband finally explained to his mother that she should have supper ready earlier, so we could come earlier and leave before it was too late. We learned to bring along my kids pajamas there and bathe them there so we could spend more time there without delaying bedtime too much. And eventually, we started having longer gaps between visits. Now we go there once every month or 2, and my in-laws are fine with it. They have another grandchild now who practically lives by them, so that may be helping them to be okay without us.
My advice to you is to have your husband gently explain to them your concerns about how hard it is to accomodate them, and come to an agreement you can both deal with, even though you'll both have to give some. Then, try to live with it until they have other grandchildren to keep them busy and they won't be as obsessed with your kids.
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mamommommy
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Mon, Jun 21 2010, 8:59 pm
| the world's best mom wrote: | I understand you completely, OP, but I must say that I do also understand your mil. I don't think she's right, but I could see how a grandmother could want to see her grandchildren often.
My in-laws used to expect us to come for supper once a week. It was very difficult for me, and for my kids, who always had to miss their bedtime on the nights we went to the in-laws. My husband finally explained to his mother that she should have supper ready earlier, so we could come earlier and leave before it was too late. We learned to bring along my kids pajamas there and bathe them there so we could spend more time there without delaying bedtime too much. And eventually, we started having longer gaps between visits. Now we go there once every month or 2, and my in-laws are fine with it. They have another grandchild now who practically lives by them, so that may be helping them to be okay without us.
My advice to you is to have your husband gently explain to them your concerns about how hard it is to accomodate them, and come to an agreement you can both deal with, even though you'll both have to give some. Then, try to live with it until they have other grandchildren to keep them busy and they won't be as obsessed with your kids. |
This was exactly our situation as well, and if ever there was a week that we couldn't/didn't want to go, then it was up them to come to us to see our kids (which sometimes they did and sometimes they didn't- but when they did they always brought dinner ).
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sneakermom
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Mon, Jun 21 2010, 9:12 pm
I hate people that use babies to be controlling. And that is exactly what your mil is doing. My gut says, make strong, very super strong boundaries. Because otherwise....chaos will reign.
Just a thought, from somebody who's been there and done that.
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life'sgreat
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Mon, Jun 21 2010, 9:13 pm
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Due to the other information you shared about your in laws, I'd say that you should try to limit your visits with them. As your child gets older and will understand the emotional abuse they put you through, the child will most likely not want to visit that often. Limit it now for all of your's sakes, including your in laws. The fact that she wants doesn't automatically mean that you have to oblige. It isn't a lack of kibud av to limit visits according to how/what you see fit. If she says it's not enough, either smile and say that's the best we can do, or just smile without a comment. Putting this pressure onto you, especially when it's complicated to work out, as well as the abuse they heap on you, is unfair and as such, you can and should limit it.
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chocolate moose
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Mon, Jun 21 2010, 9:14 pm
I don't know what most do. We grew up very far away from our grandparents. My kids grew up far away from my parents and inlaws too.
We saw each other once a year but not too much more than that.
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life'sgreat
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Mon, Jun 21 2010, 9:15 pm
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I also wanted to add that this relationship between your mother in law and your child is a very unhealthy relationship. It seems to me that she wants your child to fill a void in her life and that can't be healthy on the child.
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yummymummy
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Mon, Jun 21 2010, 9:29 pm
| the world's best mom wrote: | I understand you completely, OP, but I must say that I do also understand your mil. I don't think she's right, but I could see how a grandmother could want to see her grandchildren often.
My in-laws used to expect us to come for supper once a week. It was very difficult for me, and for my kids, who always had to miss their bedtime on the nights we went to the in-laws. My husband finally explained to his mother that she should have supper ready earlier, so we could come earlier and leave before it was too late. We learned to bring along my kids pajamas there and bathe them there so we could spend more time there without delaying bedtime too much. And eventually, we started having longer gaps between visits. Now we go there once every month or 2, and my in-laws are fine with it. They have another grandchild now who practically lives by them, so that may be helping them to be okay without us.
My advice to you is to have your husband gently explain to them your concerns about how hard it is to accomodate them, and come to an agreement you can both deal with, even though you'll both have to give some. Then, try to live with it until they have other grandchildren to keep them busy and they won't be as obsessed with your kids. |
 Great post!
One question for OP - would you mind clarifying why you can't leave your baby alone with your in-laws? When I first started reading your post I thought this would be a great opportunity for you and DH to get some alone time together with free babysitting. I'm sorry if you covered that in your other thread but I did not have a chance to read that one.
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amother
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Mon, Jun 21 2010, 10:21 pm
My in-laws live about 10 hours away by car. We go 2-4 times a year. Unfortunately, my FIL can't really travel anymore so they hardly ever come here, even for simchos. This of course means that the kids don't get to see their grandparents often enough. While DH and I speak to in-laws several times a week, we make it a point for the kids to speak to them at least every Friday (usually more often) just so they keep their voices fresh and know who they are. The whole family just chipped in for a new computer for them with a webcam so we'll be able to "visit" way more often and we're all really excited. My in-laws have no kids in their town and miss us all like crazy. (I also upload snapshots to my MIL every few weeks, it helps her feel like she's watching them grow up).
Neither my parents nor my in-laws have ever made "demands" about how often they see the children. They see them when they see them. If it's been a while since we've been to my parents for a shabbos (they live in Brooklyn, we live in Lakewood), my mother will just say it straight out - you haven't been in a while, would this week be a good week? And if it's not, that's fine. Both my parents and in-laws are spectacular and my kids are crazy about them. My 23 month old finally recognizes my in-laws when we go, I love that milestone.
amother because I put a few too many details in there that can get me recognized.
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groisamomma
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Mon, Jun 21 2010, 10:30 pm
| life'sgreat wrote: | | I also wanted to add that this relationship between your mother in law and your child is a very unhealthy relationship. It seems to me that she wants your child to fill a void in her life and that can't be healthy on the child. |
I got the same feeling. Considering the info from op's previous post, it looks like her mil is unfulfilled and she's trying her hardest to be successful at being a devoted grandmother while losing the point completely. I also agree with the other poster that says that using your baby is another way to manipulate you and you should not allow yourself or your baby to be controlled by her.
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Marion
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Mon, Jun 21 2010, 10:47 pm
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More than 3-4 times a year, less than once a month, but it may average out to about once a month, I don't know. Also, now that my kids are older, I can drop them off and they have Grandma time. (Yes, I know when I do that that they'll get a tonne of junk I don't allow at home, and there was a time when I COULDN'T do it because of food issues, so now I'm happy she can do this with them.)
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pinkelephant
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Mon, Jun 21 2010, 10:59 pm
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we sleep over every motzei shabbos and do laundry. my mom in law said if we got a washer/dry she'd slash her wrists
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amother
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Mon, Jun 21 2010, 11:02 pm
| groisamomma wrote: | | life'sgreat wrote: | | I also wanted to add that this relationship between your mother in law and your child is a very unhealthy relationship. It seems to me that she wants your child to fill a void in her life and that can't be healthy on the child. |
I got the same feeling. Considering the info from op's previous post, it looks like her mil is unfulfilled and she's trying her hardest to be successful at being a devoted grandmother while losing the point completely. I also agree with the other poster that says that using your baby is another way to manipulate you and you should not allow yourself or your baby to be controlled by her. |
Without knowing the whole story, I think you're being too harsh on the MIL.
What strikes me is that OP asked about *in-laws* not grandparents. Why? Would she feel the same about her parents seeing the baby?
All in all, I don't think its unreasonable for grandparents to want to see their grandchild for an hour a week. I grew up seeing my maternal grandparents 3 times a week, and my paternal grandparents once a week. That's the way it was in those days. I think every single one of my friends growing up saw their grandparents every Sunday. It makes me sad that my parents live a couple of hours away from us, so the kids only get to see them once a month. When I see other kids with their grandparents, on a more regular basis, it makes me sad that my parents don' t have that. (My husband's mother died when he was a teenager, and his father passed when our oldest was a baby.)
That's not to say that its unreasomable for the OP to tell her MIL that she's busy, or to reduce contact if there are issues.
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life'sgreat
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Mon, Jun 21 2010, 11:10 pm
| amother wrote: | | groisamomma wrote: | | life'sgreat wrote: | | I also wanted to add that this relationship between your mother in law and your child is a very unhealthy relationship. It seems to me that she wants your child to fill a void in her life and that can't be healthy on the child. |
I got the same feeling. Considering the info from op's previous post, it looks like her mil is unfulfilled and she's trying her hardest to be successful at being a devoted grandmother while losing the point completely. I also agree with the other poster that says that using your baby is another way to manipulate you and you should not allow yourself or your baby to be controlled by her. |
Without knowing the whole story, I think you're being too harsh on the MIL.
What strikes me is that OP asked about *in-laws* not grandparents. Why? Would she feel the same about her parents seeing the baby?
All in all, I don't think its unreasonable for grandparents to want to see their grandchild for an hour a week. I grew up seeing my maternal grandparents 3 times a week, and my paternal grandparents once a week. That's the way it was in those days. I think every single one of my friends growing up saw their grandparents every Sunday. It makes me sad that my parents live a couple of hours away from us, so the kids only get to see them once a month. When I see other kids with their grandparents, on a more regular basis, it makes me sad that my parents don' t have that. (My husband's mother died when he was a teenager, and his father passed when our oldest was a baby.)
That's not to say that its unreasomable for the OP to tell her MIL that she's busy, or to reduce contact if there are issues. |
Did you read the original thread the OP is referring to before posting the above? We do know more of the story from reading that. They are clearly not 100% healthy people emotionally. They are manipulative, emotionally abusive, don't know boundaries and a host of other issues.
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MommyZ
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Mon, Jun 21 2010, 11:11 pm
| life'sgreat wrote: | | amother wrote: | | groisamomma wrote: | | life'sgreat wrote: | | I also wanted to add that this relationship between your mother in law and your child is a very unhealthy relationship. It seems to me that she wants your child to fill a void in her life and that can't be healthy on the child. |
I got the same feeling. Considering the info from op's previous post, it looks like her mil is unfulfilled and she's trying her hardest to be successful at being a devoted grandmother while losing the point completely. I also agree with the other poster that says that using your baby is another way to manipulate you and you should not allow yourself or your baby to be controlled by her. |
Without knowing the whole story, I think you're being too harsh on the MIL.
What strikes me is that OP asked about *in-laws* not grandparents. Why? Would she feel the same about her parents seeing the baby?
All in all, I don't think its unreasonable for grandparents to want to see their grandchild for an hour a week. I grew up seeing my maternal grandparents 3 times a week, and my paternal grandparents once a week. That's the way it was in those days. I think every single one of my friends growing up saw their grandparents every Sunday. It makes me sad that my parents live a couple of hours away from us, so the kids only get to see them once a month. When I see other kids with their grandparents, on a more regular basis, it makes me sad that my parents don' t have that. (My husband's mother died when he was a teenager, and his father passed when our oldest was a baby.)
That's not to say that its unreasomable for the OP to tell her MIL that she's busy, or to reduce contact if there are issues. |
Did you read the original thread the OP is referring to before posting the above? We do know more of the story from reading that. They are clearly not 100% healthy people emotionally. They are manipulative, emotionally abusive, don't know boundaries and a host of other issues. |
Please link to it. Some of our memories need jogging.
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