When teen's room looks awful, what to do?

amother

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 2:21 pm

(When I mean awful, I mean you cant see the floor, and floor is littered with underwear w dirty sanitary pads and socks)

1-Ignore,

2-Insist teen cleans up regularly, and

3-If teen doesnt, clean it yourself?

What do psychologists suggest?

Mimisinger

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 2:28 pm

My mother used to get CRAZY when my brother was a teenager. His room was horrible. I remember when my father took a rake and threw all his stuff out of the window onto the front yard. Not a good idea.

Anyway, my brother's best friend, who lived on out block, unfortunately was niftar in high school from a failed heart transplant. At the levaya his mother ssaid to mine, "don't sweat the small stuff." And after that she just didn't. Life was too short. If the room was messy, she just closed the door. That same brother has the neatest house you ever saw, and he is mainly responsible. He's a neat freak now!

Sweet Valley Gal

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 2:57 pm

amother wrote:

thats disgusting. I am NOT a neat freak and before I read ur post I did the poll and I wrote ignore. But after I read it, uch. That is extremely unhygienic and its not safe or healthy to breathe in. Mold can grow. I would definitely force her to clean it up and if not do it myself. Its unhealthy. My room growing up was not neat usually, I didnt always hang up my clothes and my mother always nagged which was fine with me, but if I would ever dare leave a pad there, she would hit the roof. You need to take charge. I would definitely not tolerate it.

seeker

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 3:17 pm

I think it would depend somewhat on whether or not it's possible to ignore. If she has her own room, you have a different room for guests, she doesn't entertain company there, it's not making the area smell, etc, then you don't need to look if you don't like what you see.

I would definitely have a talk about hygiene to set standards, but once she KNOWS what's appropriate, what's the point of nagging?

Another area where you could set limits is if she depends on you to provide for her, you absolutely don't need to provide for things that need replacement just because they were lost or damaged in her train wreck of a room. She has to know that she's responsible to take care of her stuff, even though you don't have to police her into doing it. So "whoops my last uniform shirt was crumpled in a heap this past week, can you iron it while I eat breakfast?" um, no.

Let me just say as a teenager my room was a mess no matter how much my parents nagged (OK, no sanitary napkins O_O) except rare occasions when I cleaned up for company. It was a royal mess through my teen years and definitely still untidy to the day I moved out to get married. But that day I moved out I turned into a fine balabusta who only sometimes leaves her clothes draped over a chair Wink

Last edited by seeker on Sun, Sep 26 2010, 3:29 pm; edited 1 time in total

Ruchel

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 3:30 pm

I was and still am a slob because I wasn't taught from start to clean after myself.

That said, sanitary pads? No, that can't stay. I am and plan to stay very lenient about "mess in non shared living areas", but pads? NO thanks. If need be, I would punish. I also wouldn't clean it up myself, because it will just start again.

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 3:31 pm

DONT clean it yourself. its their mess and if you clean it they will never learn that they have to take care of their mess.
you can insist that they clean it and that if they dont they cant do x,y or z. I know that this worked in my parents home.

maofboys

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 3:41 pm

We used to have a cleaning lady 5 days a week, I never made my bed growing up but I did put away my own clothes (she would leave the laundry on the bed and I would put it away) I don't think I was that bad and with her help my room was pretty clean. for a year I had a cousin live by us during his teenage year, he would leave clothes around and the cleaning lady would get upset he would joke "thats her job" when ever my mom would talk to him. then one day my mom told her to stop cleaning his room all together. he learned very quickly how to put away his own stuff and appreciate what others do for you (even if they are paid to do it).

amother

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 4:10 pm

I second - CLOSE THE DOOR

but put a garbage pail in there for sanitary's sake maybe she'll use it if its in her face

and dont ever go in there - not even before pesach, not to get laundry out to wash, for no reason at all do you need to witness the mess- its all hers to deal with and make a rule that she needs to keep the door shut at all times so you dont have to see it

israelmom

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 4:25 pm

A few weeks ago, I decided to just shut the door. Nagging didn't work, nor did cleaning it myself.

Now...I just shut the door. No clothes get washed unless they are physically put by my son in the hamper. The floor doesn't get swept. Nothing gets put away. I am wondering to myself though, how long he will leave it to look like this.

Lucky for me, no food is allowed in the bedrooms.
I'll be thankful for small things.

amother

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 4:57 pm

israelmom wrote:

OP here, can we just marry them off? Rolling Laughter

Tamiri

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 5:02 pm

If you can close the door, that's probably the best. But personally, I can't have such a mess in my house. Trust me, after enough subtle messages, a messy child can get the idea that the room needs to be decent, but it may take years - examine your endurance and see if it's worth the fight.

morah

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 5:12 pm

Whatever you do (and I don't think you can totally ignore it due to the fact that she leaves used pads around...yuck) DO NOT CLEAN IT YOURSELF. I wish my parents hadn't let the cleaning lady in my room, I'm paying dearly for it now (same problem with DH). We are married 2 years with a kid on the way and completely incapable of keeping a clean home. We never learned the necessary skills. We just took the easy way out and hired a cleaning lady, so we're not living in a garbage heap, but I beat myself up over it all the time. And the cycle will only perpetuate itself, because we're slobs and our kids will pick up on that. Don't let your daughter become us! I wish my parents had let me learn, even if it would have been the hard way!

marina

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 5:43 pm

For the older kids, I give several warnings and then, if necessary, I clean their room myself. Very calmly, when they are not home, I will clean their room. And also remove half the things they think they need. They will have some clothes left, some homework things, a few basic necessities. That is all. Everything else goes to the goodwill or if I'm feeling especially generous, the closet monster.

I can count the number of times I have cleaned their rooms on one hand.

Last edited by marina on Sun, Sep 26 2010, 5:45 pm; edited 1 time in total

Sweet Valley Gal

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 5:45 pm

marina wrote:

I give several warnings and then, if necessary, I clean their room myself. Very calmly, when they are not home, I will clean their room. And also remove half the things they think they need. They will have some clothes left, some homework things, a few basic necessities. That is all. Everything else goes to the goodwill or if I'm feeling especially generous, the closet monster.

I like that idea!

chocolate moose

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 6:11 pm

marina wrote:

I HAVE DONE THIS if said child went to sleep away camp and left their room a pigsty. Again, a few times.

5S5Sr7z3

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 8:19 pm

My kids are still little, but I would probably ignore it and make a rule about the bedroom door staying tightly closes. Like a pp said, dont sweat the small stuff. Eventually they grow up and realize how gross it is to live in a pigsty.

jaysmom

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 8:34 pm

I am not sure what I would do. But what I MIGHT do is say it needs to be cleaned by Friday mornings or whatver deadline I give, or I will have it cleaned for a charge (so either the money would go to me or cleaning help). If am guessing/hoping she would not be okay with this arrangement and she would just do it herself- possibly after learning the hard way.

redwudz

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 11:01 pm

If she does not clean her room, clean it for her. She should be used to living in a clean room, so a messy room will eventually bother her. Let her not become comfortable in a messy room. It will eventually become important to her. Statistics show that kids growing up in a clean environment have less anxiety and a more focused mind.

amother

Mon, Sep 27 2010, 2:20 am

[quote="morah"]Whatever you do (and I don't think you can totally ignore it due to the fact that she leaves used pads around...yuck) DO NOT CLEAN IT YOURSELF.
AGREED 100%! Never do it yourself. Ignore in my opinion because I was a slob as a teen and grew out of it. Most ppl can't handle their own house being a mess.