HELP ME with my 4 year old PLEASE.....

Esther01

Sun, Jul 30 2006, 7:05 pm

ok this is the situation.

I have an adorable, smart, responsible 4 year old. she is my oldest. she can help me and talk to me and play nicely... but this is her/my problem.

she is kinda tense. if something doesnt work out the way she wanted she becomes hysterical and can pinch the other kids or patch me, yell cry and nudge... if someone doesnt do whatever it is she asked for, whether it's her parents, or siblings she reacts the same way. in that mood she looks something like this Exploding anger

it drives me nuts. I keep on telling her and trying to act that way by example, that when we get frustrated we dont just explode, we talk...

it doesnt seem to work.

sometimes she is so tence and with so much negetive energy it looks like she'll kill the other child... Twisted Evil

I dont know how to deel with it. Help

ANY ADVICE??????

red sea

Sun, Jul 30 2006, 8:28 pm

One tiny bit of advice is when she is acting how you'd like her to go out of your way to praise the behavior.

Maybe I'd try what your doing one step further, when the situation arises, first I would acknowledge how she is feeling by telling her how she must feel to get her to relax a bit then I would send her to sit down and calm down and then walk her thru how to express herself and deal with it better and then let her actually do it, and praise her success.

Sounds like a cute little perfectionist control freak youve got there, so best she starts learning now that she can deal with whatever comes her way even if its not according to her plans and wishes.

Last edited by red sea on Sun, Jul 30 2006, 8:47 pm; edited 1 time in total

granolamom

Sun, Jul 30 2006, 8:36 pm

ok, here are my thoughts, though I'm sure many will disagree with me

I think that some kids have personalities like that and some kids mature slowly in the frustration tolerance area. sounds like yours might have a bit of both. as far as personality goes, though you have to accept her for who she is, its no excuse for her to be rude. It sounds like you are already doing all the right things to set a good example and try to tell her that what she's doing is inappropriate.
re: development, its often times uneven. you write that she's

Quote:

smart, responsible 4 year old. she is my oldest. she can help me and talk to me and play nicely.

and that might be throwing you off. she's so together in all other respects that maybe its not so apparent that she's lagging in maturity when it comes to frustration tolerance. not that she necessarily is, I'm just saying its a possibility. I think it might be helpful for YOU to keep a log of this, just so you can go back in a few months and compare. I bet you'll see that its improving. maybe not as quickly or dramatically as you'd like, but if its also a personality thing, then its going to be very hard for her. so celebrate small steps!

Tefila

Sun, Jul 30 2006, 8:39 pm

Quote:

Sounds like a cute little perfectionist control freak on youve got there, so best she starts learning now that she can deal with whatever comes her way even if its not according to her plans and wishes.

Hmmm interesting way of looking at it. Smile

How about taking her firmly into another room and hug her and if that doesn't help tell her she may not leave until she calms down and is willing to talk.
I know I have a 4yr old too. She is up against sometimes her younger 2 yr old twins. They sometimes touch her stuff and if she tells one off, the 2 yrold sometimes loses it and then her brother joins in.... so my 4 yr old has to deal with the two of them. Help

I have moved her stuff higher up now to remedy the situation,

In general she knows hysterics and kvetching don't get her anywhere Exclamation

.

She is entitled to cry and be upset when she feels hurt but she may not lash out on anyone ever Exclamation

She may talk, go for a quiet time alone, listen to a tape etc.

We also have alot of mommy and me time. My husband too reinforces it so b"h it has got better Wink

Hatzlacha

micki

Sun, Jul 30 2006, 8:49 pm

is there any way that she may be imitating your behavior?
do you tense up at times too? I found my kids reflect my behavior. scary sometimes how my kid can have a reaction that is totally off the wall - and then I recognize it as having done it myself!

happymom

Sun, Jul 30 2006, 10:08 pm

is there anyone she learns this from....

aside from that, she can learn techniques from u how she can handle her stress. u can help her by saying things like: lets count to ten together and breathe in and out ten times so that we can calm down, and then I can listen to u. or tell her to go to her room for a few minutes and do a puzzle or something she likes.... its not the getting upset thats the prob its the way we deal with it. I think she can learn this... hope this helps/

Esther01

Mon, Jul 31 2006, 10:43 pm

thanks for your advice. I will try some of these ideas, they do sound good.

my only problem is that because she is the oldest of 3 I don't have the quiet time to just sit and talk to her. I do make sure to have mommy time with her, but that only works either out of the house or after her other siblings are asleep.

so what I'm trying to say is that lets say she throws a fit and I take her to the side and explain to her that I understand how she feel.... and calm her down, by the time I'm done with that the other two are already fighting about something else. Rolling Eyes

do you know what I mean????

I guess that's just part of being a mother of young kids....

I will try though, I am not giving up so quickly

momof6

Tue, Aug 08 2006, 9:05 pm

It sounds like she's getting allot of attention for her negative behavior. You may be unintentionally feeding into it. Try giving her attention when she is "behaving" and putting her in "time out/time away" for bad behavior. "time away" for a4 yr. old is 4 min. sitting on a chair w/o any eye contact or discussion. When you put her on the chair describe the negative behavior in 4 words or less. (Of course you discuss your new plan of action w/ her ahead of time during a calm moment.)
8) .Perhaps a mitzvah chart would help.
LOL

Try reading Discipline with out Shouting or Spanking
Wink

Is she getting enough time w/ Mommy one on one
Tongue Out

Does she have a special place she can play w/o being disturbed for short periods of time?