Bas Mitzvah Ideas | Imamother

shosh

Sun, Oct 10 2010, 12:19 pm

My dd is going to be bas mitzvah in about six weeks, iy"H, and we are looking for some good ideas.

Her actual birthday is on a Shabbos in Kislev, so I'm toying with the idea of making a melave malka. My elderly parents are coming from England, iy"H, but apart from them we have no family that will be here. The school does not allow her to invite anyone from the entire school, but she has few friends from outside school. We also have no cousins or anything, so it means that whatever we have is small and will be mostly adults if we invite any guests.

My dd is getting very worried over the whole thing. She says she doesn't want a melave malka, but she also feels embarrassed because there are hardly any guests her age. I think it's a shame if we do nothing, but on the other hand it would be nice to give her a nice small party. But for a bas mitzvah, it needs to be a bit special.

Does anyone have any ideas for a program that might be suitable? I want her to enjoy her bas mitzvah, but the whole thing is upsetting her. She's getting really whiny, and whatever I suggest is "dafuk" and "nebbech." So I wondered if anyone has any ideas of something that is not nebbech etc and would be suitable for a small party.

Ruchel

Sun, Oct 10 2010, 1:13 pm

Why can't she invite her favorite classmates? is the school even allowed to make such rules if she doesn't, like, hand out invites at school?

Some do a BM just like a big birthday.
Some go further and invite neighbours, friends of parents and their kids, the rav... basically what they would do for a bar mitsva without the religious stuff.

Among those whose girls start lighting at BM, they may light their first candles at shul. Sometimes the dad makes a speech, sometimes the girl does it at the kiddush.

If that's done in your circles you could have her done a custom made dress, maybe hairdresser or even make up, if that's done.

shosh

Sun, Oct 10 2010, 1:18 pm

They take this business of not inviting schoolfriends really seriously. She just had her first "bas mitzvah" lesson at school, and they said that six girls at a time will make a class party and that it is absolutely forbidden to invite any schoolfriends at all. I thought she could at least invite her friends from the parallel class or the class above, but not even they are allowed.

I understand that they don't want to make it a popularity contest. But in our case, where there's no family here in Israel and where she is having a separate party with her father, etc, later in the week, it just makes it really hard. She was getting really upset before and saying how nebbech it all looks.

shalhevet

Sun, Oct 10 2010, 1:38 pm

Bas mitzva - we made in our house for about 25-30 close family. I served milky - quiches, salads, pizza, melon, cakes and ice-cream. I made almost all of it myself (she helped too) and people called us afterwards to say how much they'd enjoyed it.

We also have the no-school-friends rule. What about your friends plus their children? As long as you have around 15 people that should be enough for a party feeling.

Raisin

Sun, Oct 10 2010, 2:40 pm

what a strange rule. are you allowed to invite the whole class? And even for a bas mitzva?

for a girl who has very local relatives it seems rather cruel.

most people I know do some sort of craft at a bas mitzva...if it is mainly adults probably not suitable.

otherwise I guess invite your friends who may or may not have kids.

reed

Sun, Oct 10 2010, 2:54 pm

A lot of the schools around here have the same rule. Basically they don't even want the party altogether. We wanted to do something to make the day special. DD's b-day came out on a Sunday in the summer during the three weeks. I invited the immediate family, though many were not able to make it, so it was really small, but really nice.

Some friends offered their dd's the option of going out to eat in some fancy restaurant with parents and grandparents instead of a big party. The girls use their special day to shop for their gifts with parents in the big city, then celebrate with grandparents. (I would have preferred going that route, but it wasn't really an option due to the family situation that would have made something with so few people very awkward.)

The main thing I kept stressing to my dd was that she has to be happy and comfortable with whatever we were doing. Otherwise it would be a waste of time. We had recently been at some really big Bas Mitzvah parties, which she knew were out of the question in our circles. All in all I kept her involved in every level of planning, shopping, cooking, preparing... She even surprised us and wrote a thank you speech to the whole family!

Tamiri

Sun, Oct 10 2010, 3:13 pm

shosh wrote:

Shosh I can sort of understand her. She's being pulled in two directions at once. A lot of emotional overload. It's not really about school/family etc. I know you want to make something bat-mitzva-ey, but with the given facts it may not be feasible.
Why don't you treat this as a mother-daughter simcha, her coming of age, and do something extravagant to celebrate and show her you think she's special. She's getting a party at her father's house. If I understood correctly, she'll have a class party. So why not do something for her yourself and not bother with anything she feels is "nebach". It could be an overnight with her at a hotel, including breadfast and getting her hair/nails/whatever girls like done. Maybe a bit of a shop to get her something like jewelery. Something she WILL appreciate, which won't be nebach, and that she'll remember.

shosh

Sun, Oct 10 2010, 3:19 pm

Thanks for all the ideas so far.

In the meantime, dd is thinking of doing the small melave malka at home, with a dvar Torah and some sort of informal programme and then - going on a family trip the next day to Hebron, to daven at the Maarat Hamachpelah and if the weather is nice, going on a picnic afterwards or something. We can't do too much walking because it's hard for my dad at his age, but I asked him if such a trip would be feasible and he said he's more than happy to do it.

The Hebron trip was all dd's idea - she would like all of us to do it and I was thinking that it would certainly be a nice, memorable occasion -and meaningful as well.

But I'm still interested in ideas for the melave malka party, as I would really like it to be a nice programme.

Raisin

Sun, Oct 10 2010, 4:00 pm

Maybe your dd could put together some sort of project/book which you can have printed and give out to guests. eg on a well known Jewish woman.

another idea is a slide show of her life. Doesn't have to be long, just a few minutes. It can be playing on a laptop in the background.

also she can give a dvar torah.

if there are kids at the melave malka you can have some sort of craft or activity for them to do.

reed

Sun, Oct 10 2010, 4:05 pm

I'm impressed with your dd's idea! That would combine the best of both worlds - the party, and making her special day meaningful and memorable, as well as sharing it with her grandparents who will be travelling in for the special occasion.

I know how you must be stressing yourself over the whole situation. I just did that! Relax (as much as you can Wink

), and focus on the real meaning of what you're doing. Mazel tov!!!

Isramom8

Sun, Oct 10 2010, 6:00 pm

Shosh, while the no-schoolmates policy is common in BYs, it's very hard on oleh families who may not have tons of aunts and female cousins to make up a party, which is what the natives do.

My oldest dd's class adopted the no classmates policy, and dd didn't have many outside friends. We were blessed with a built-in group of kollel wives (my dh is the director), and kollel daughters to serve as guests. Even so, it was dafook in a way. But we had a nice melaveh malka at home, which I prepared.

With dd2, the classmates were allowed (each class decides about this), and it was Sukkos, so her in the sukkah/outside the sukkah in the garden was a lighter, funner atmosphere.

Dd3 age 11 wants pizza and a build-your-own sundae bar in a very modest shul hall and a craft and a slide show and CDs and dancing. Classmates are allowed.

I like your dd's idea! Think of something special for your family. You can spend more because there will be just a few people.

Mazal tov!

hadasa

Tue, Oct 12 2010, 3:06 am

shosh wrote:

That sounds like a beautiful plan. As for the program - maybe a quiz about your daughter, see who knows her best, or some other peilut chevratit. My husband's family is into that sort of thing at birthdays. A bag of assorted objects, everyone pulls out an item and says how it connects somehow to your daughter or to the concept of Bas Mitzvah. A list of character traits where everyone gives out to those present whatever they think fits them.
These are off the top of my head, I'm sure you can find some idea that suits you and your family.

silver lining

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 12:31 pm

I am also trying to decide what to for my daughters bas mitzvah party.
The theme she chose is "kol kvudah bas melech pnimah".

My daughter wants an elegant meal. It is going to be a Melavah malka. She wanted salmon as the main but I feel that it is very expensive for alot of people. I want to serve a meal on plates a apposed to center.

Does anyone have a nice idea without fish to serve on individual plates?

proud mama

Fri, Oct 04 2013, 7:34 am

I really understand the school for not allowing her to invite her classmates since they don't want the bas mitzvah party to become a trend/must/competition. But I do understand that you want to make this day special.

What I did, my daughter turned 12 during the week. On Sunday we made a birthday party for the neighbors and 2 cousins (the closest ones). We served pizza, French fries, garlic knots, nosh and a birthday ice cream cake. She went to the 99€ store and bought birthday themed invitations, tablecloths, streamers, napkins, and cups. She and her cousins set the table etc. they had a good time and loved the opportunity to get all creative.

We live in a small apartment and so I left the house right before the guest arrived to give them some space (did errands with company so I had a good time to Smile

). My daughter really enjoyed it and so did the neighbors.

On the actual birthday wet gave her her gift. And for Shabbos she is making a shalosh seudas or oneg shabbos for her classmates. The setup will be Birthday themed but will not violate any school rules since is actually a regular oneg Shabbos.

We came to this conclusion/plan after me and my daughter discussed it together. In a way this might not sound very major but in reality it's a whole week of celebration. I was ready to make a whole gala event, invite all her cousins, my siblings and my husband's siblings (she's my oldest and was my only daughter till recently) but she did not want.

Teenagers enjoy different things than us and have a totally different mindset and so I would advise anyone facing this situation to discuss it and find out what the child wants and together come up with a plan that will make this amazing day extra special, memorable, and enjoyable for both mother and daughter.