Gift spin-off Bar Mitzvah/birthday

amother

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 8:06 am

I hate the concept of giving gifts for an occasion. Sure my kids birthday, but even that has become silly. I buy things out of love and when I see something that is just perfect for someone I know- but I hate when its tied to an occasion or when I end up giving it to someone I dont really know well.

For the longest time it was because we were dirt poor and so crazy frugal I didnt have money in the budget to give gifts. Now I am doing much better but still hate it.
Part is a roll over from being so poor, part is that I am a procrastinator and then I forget.

Now here is the issue... my kids bar mitzvah.. we live very OOT and would love to have all the relatives come, they are not close to us physically or emotionally.
I want to send out invites to anyone who might come but I know that many think an invite requires a check or present and I DONT WANT THAT.
How horribly strange would it be to write that we would really love if they would come but we dont want a gift. Firstly, because we provide every thing my kids want and mostly because you will feel lousy when I forget to give your kid something. Oh and I am also saving you from hating me when I dont send a thank you note either.

I know I should always be more correct and polite and do the right thing.Even if I wanted to how would I start sending gifts for new simchas when the older kids never got anything from us.

OK this is more of a vent... I recognize it for what it is. Im lazy and I like being lazy and I dont want to change, so how can I explain that in an invite to relatives I barely know LOL

Tablepoetry

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 8:12 am

Ruchel wrote:

"The BM boy asks that all checks and presents are given to [tzedaka org]"?

That's your best option. Although many people will tell you it's vulgar to make any mention of gifts at all on the invite, including 'don't bring them'.

I'm not sure you should bother to write anything at all, because even when told not to bring gifts, people often give anyway.

mha3484

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 9:00 am

Another option is to donate whatever gifts (and many tzedekah orgs will take cash as well as physical items) after the event is over. Then you can leave it off the invitation completely. We were expected to do something like this growing up and it can be very meaningful to the BM Bachur. He can pick a charity that means something to him.

Chayalle

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 9:24 am

I agree with LG. If it's the Bar Mitzva boy's request, it must really be his request. If it's your request, then it's unfair to push that on your son who may not share the same opinion.

He's a big boy now, let him decide how he feels.

Also see michtav M'Eliyahu on Giving and taking - by Rabbi Dessler. Healthy give and take is very important, it keeps the world going round.

amother

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 9:38 am

Chayalle wrote:

OP here-
Oh he realizes that we make up for it in gifts we give him. He is very well grounded but recognizes that he gets more than his peers. I hate birthday parties so we always offer party or extravagant gift and they always chose small get together and large gift over big party. He sees what others get and knows that we more than make up for our baggage. Its not like he wants to write thank you notes either LOL

This isnt about their friends or even the people in town that we know. - its about people he never even met. He hasnt met most of his parents cousins, and wouldnt recognize his own cousins. Heck he would not even recognize his aunts and uncles.

I just want to send invites to let them know and would love for them to come but do not expect it if its not within their means, but we especially dont want to be asking for anything in return.

I realize that this is more of a vent than anything else because no matter what we do it would rub some people the wrong way

Chayalle

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 9:48 am

My kids also get what they need from me B"H (and what they don't get they don't need). And I would be horrified if they expected gifts from anyone. And I wouldn't want anyone to feel obligated to give them gifts.

And yet those that do give them - because they want to - develop a special connection with them.

For example - my brother got married just last year. The young couple lives in E"Y so my kids don't know their new aunt very well.

My new SIL is very creative and she makes beautiful costume jewelry (which she sells.) For DD's Bas Mitzva, she sent her a lovely and unique pair of earrings which DD is proudly wearing. She feels such a special connection to her aunt, who cared to send an appropriate gift all the way from E"Y for her special occasion.

So there's an aspect to gift giving that builds relationships. I could've gone to a boutique and bought her earrings, but they wouldn't be anywhere near as special as those she received.

KWIM?

If your son doesn't know his relatives, and they feel like sending something for his Bar Mitvah, your son will always remember them and have that connection to them.

amother

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 9:56 am

Chayalle wrote:

That is very beautiful and if that was the case I would be very happy for them to get a gift made with love.

Wish there was a way to say only special gifts with meaning allowed, please leave your checkbook in your purse --- but that would be inappropriate LOL