Help me before I strangle my teen dd

amother

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 4:49 pm

We are charedi and she goes to BY in our charedi area.

Last year we found out my dd (12yrs old) had been emailing a 'guy' she some how 'met' on an innocent internet game. Her friends had told her about it,and she signed up behind our backs. We had a big talk about the dangers, I showed her some eductional videos about girls who had done the same,and ended up dead, or reputations ruined. SHe got banned and punished - and all was ok.

She is an excellent student gets great grades, always helping me, very mature and basically a great daughter. After that initial thing I went back to trusting her. I let her go to friends in the neighborhood, she goes out Friday nights to walk with her friends (she is now 13) and they are all good friends from good families.

Near where we live is a drop out bum of a kid who likes my girls...and seeing as he is not anymore at school he is always outside on his bike or playing with his dog, which my girls love. We have forbidden them from speaking or playing with him. Last week she asked if she could go to a bat mitzvah party of a girl in her class. The party was a stone's throw from my house in a shul hall, we said yes, when she asked for an extension on her curfew I agreed because she had just gotten a great grade in school, so this was a reward.

Tonight a friend of mine called me to tell me that there are rumors flying now as she was not at the party, rather she was talking to him all evening on the wall. She admitted that that is what happened. I told her she is grounded, has no pc rights (she checks emails to communicate with family) she cant use the family cellphone (texting was always disabled, and there is nothing in her email acct to suggest she was messaging him).

Idont knopw what to do. If the minahelet finds out she will be expelled from school. The boosha! - what should I do to stop her acting like this????

2boyzn1girl

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 5:36 pm

I don't think the 'busha' is your biggest problem. Perhaps conveying this to your daughter sends the wrong message. The problem is not what people will think, the problem is that this situation can quickly escalate, and your daughter may end up in a dangerous situation, both physically and spiritually. Perhaps there are resources available to in your area, like mentor programs and the like. I wish you hatzlachah.

ora_43

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 6:09 pm

Make sure she's aware of safety issues when it comes to talking to boys/men she barely knows.

I'm not saying you should scare her off of men or anything, but she should know to stay in public areas, etc. Just in case.

It might help to express sympathy (it's hard to be hormonal with no outlet, and her desire to have a guy show interest in her is very normal, and another thing it's hard to do without), and to get very specific about why you want her not to talk to boys now. And to let her know that "this too shall pass" and someday she'll be 19 or 21 or whatever and she'll be able to date (and at that point, what will she want her dating history to look like?).

amother

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 6:16 pm

ora_43 wrote:

yes I showed her 3 Australian made educational adverts (last year) about why talking to ppl she doesnt know is dangerous...but this is a boy who has lived here as long as us, he is 'safe' plus the same age as her. Plus she was outside which is also good. But she isnt sposed to be talking to boys!!! Because she was talking in public she got busted - some one saw her. Maybe we should talk to the boy aso...although he isnt religious so he has no rule about girls.

Its hard to express sympathy - we did that last time. This time she 100% lied to me to stay out longer with him, not at the party.

amother

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 6:48 pm

Mirabelle wrote:

Sounds to me like she is a kid who was enjoying the attention and made a mistake....don't schools let kids make mistakes anymore or if you mess up once you are out??

well in my eyes she did mess up once- this is the second time.
The school is less forgiving- its a very charedi no-nonsense school. One strike and you're out. They may let her back in after a week or so and a lot of begging....oiy

amother

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 7:17 pm

I was just like your daughter when Y was younger. I was 13 yrs old when they expelled me. My life from there went downhill. I wish Ididnt do those crazy things I thought was fun. I don't want to scare you but unless you keep her occupied with things she loves doing and keeping all eyes on her she wont do this again. please don't trust her ever just be very on top of things. shock

sofaraway

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 7:27 pm

amother wrote:

That's the point. If there are no programs, make her organize one for her friends or for younger girls. Good luck!

amother

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 7:41 pm

well she is pretty busy - school, school work, she babysits, and then everyday I encourage them to go outside for a bit to get some fresh air- ride bikes or whatever. Because he lives on our street I cant hide her from him every day - he is outside walking his dog, and she is outside coz she cant be inside all day.

Its a tough situation. Amother what happened after you were expelled?

amother

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 7:51 pm

Lost all my friends, my family was ashamed of me, after having my parents beg the school to take me back they did after 2 months. So was left behind from learning. it was very lonely. the only attention I got was from boys so I couldn't help myself and went out secretly I think my parents knew but they gave up. I graduated got married to a good looking boy who abused me throughout the marriage got divorced and bh now I'm happily remarried and very stable.

I wish my past was video taped so your daughter can see how dangerous this life is.

amother

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 8:05 pm

amother wrote:

how sad, but bh your life got turned around. I will mention your story to her..thanks.

the world's best mom

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 8:25 pm

amother wrote:

The fact that this boy lives next to door is very not good! How about sending her away to Manchester seminary.. There they except younger teens. she is still young so if you put all your effort into her counselling very important to make sure she has a close girl friend.

I wouldn't send her away for 2 reasons:

1- It may be sending her a message that you don't want her anymore because of her mistake and

2- It's impossible to keep an eyr on her and deal with problems if she is far away.

I've heard that when your child deserves a hug the least, that's when she needs it the most. I think it's extremely important to show her uncondional love, talk about what happened, and get her counseling/ therapy- with a Frum therapist.

chatouli

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 10:08 pm

I am very sorry to hear that your dd is causing you so much sadness. I would be concerned too in your position but mainly because of the potential consequences at her school and to her reputation. I hope she understands them. Talking to boys, while inappropriate in your circles, is not such a crazy thing for a 13 year old girl to want to do. I'm not sure she needs therapy, but she definitely needs to understand what it could do to her reputation and that reputation is so important to her future. Maybe a trusted rebbetzin (unaffiliated with her school) is the right person to explain that to her.

So your dd was speaking to this dropout bum kid who is her age. There is a 13 year old dropout in your neighborhood? Have you tried speaking to his parents and asking them to keep him away, or do you think that would only serve to make your dd more interesting/desirable to him? Showing her ads about talking to strangers would seem to be somewhat besides the point now, since he is not a stranger and she clearly is showing an interest in him.

Clearly she cannot be allowed to socialize without a parent present for the foreseeable future. I did not grow up chareidi, but I was certainly not allowed to be with friends without a parent present until I was much older than 13. That is not so draconian. Maybe make her watch a younger sibling in the afternoons - I found that there was nothing like a big-mouthed kid tagging along with me at all times to keep me honest Very Happy

Hatzlacha!