file this under "I'm not bitter"

levial

Mon, Jan 03 2011, 2:07 pm

Ok, just venting but thanks for your support. Forgive the sarcasm. It's how I cope.

When you invite the woman who lost her son at 2months to SIDS and both you and the other wife of the other couple you invited for Shabbos lunch have a baby, who were both born within 1 month of him I beg you PLEASE do not drone on and on about how you are still not sleeping through the night. Because I would do anything to have this problem, do you understand? It was a nisayon to have me not say "I'd give anything to have this problem" and call attention to it myself. It was a nisayon for my marriage for DH to have to hear me rant and be depressed when we got home. B'ezrat Hashem it will be my nisayon because when we are blessed with a child, both DH and I will probably take turns watching him breathe, get it?

Let me add if you have a baby who doesn't sleep through the night except on his stomach, please do not tell me how you plan to let him sleep on his stomach and then helpfully add, even though the doctor told me not to. Or "he's older than your son was so I'm not worried." I like that you are trying to be open and discuss anything without feeling like there is an elephant in the room. But can you please keep that elephant in the room? Specifically that one. Because I worry about your Emuna if you think it was because we put him on his stomach that he died.

Also, if it isn't too much trouble, if you havent noticed, Tsniut is not reserved for just clothing. It's also about the bedroom. You are free to post amother on the intimacy board. But you are not free to ask me if I am "trying." For G-d's sake yes, we are "trying" for another. Hashem is making sure I know He is in control. But don't worry, we are actively "trying' until I feel like not "trying" anymore. I acknowledge your interest in my life. And don't get upset when I say helpfully what my Hebrew name is should you wish to daven for me. It was my way of changing the subject without saying "you're basically asking a nosy question."

Finally, please do not invite me for a meal as if I am a curiosity or from a freak show. We recently went out to dinner and a woman who had met my DH when he worked for someone else asked him for his number. (See above, tsniut, I know) because she had spoken with his former employer, and had "heard of our tragedy" and wanted to invite us for shabbos. I know you are being welcoming, but I liked it better when we werent' good enough for you to nod your head hello at the butcher.

suzyq

Mon, Jan 03 2011, 2:14 pm

I am so sorry. I truly hope that you will have problems sleeping through the night in the very near future.

Hug

Shap_E

Mon, Jan 03 2011, 2:32 pm

I am sorry, levial.

maofboys

Mon, Jan 03 2011, 2:33 pm

Some people just don't get it, they don't think before they talk or act I feel sorry for them.
I wish you and you dh much hatlachah and lots of simcha,

shanie5

Mon, Jan 03 2011, 2:48 pm

Want to add:

When said mother is E"YH expecting again, dont tell her "you cant replace the other one". She is quite aware of that. (BTDT with my stillborn).

geemum

Mon, Jan 03 2011, 3:18 pm

Sorry to hear you've been through this.

Your emunah is amazing - may your home be filled with simcha bekarov be'ezras HaShem

Raizle

Mon, Jan 03 2011, 3:25 pm

May you only know from good things from now on and be zoche to raise sons and daughters who are healthy and baalei middos and yirai shamayim

shosh

Mon, Jan 03 2011, 3:25 pm

My heart aches for you, Levial. I don't know what it is, but sometimes when a person goes through any kind of tragedy or crisis, the general IQ level of the pple around them drops several hundred notches. ....

I wish you every strength to be able to get through what must have been a nightmare time in your life. Chazak Ve'amatz ....

saw50st8

Mon, Jan 03 2011, 3:26 pm

I'm sorry for your pain.

overthehill

Mon, Jan 03 2011, 3:27 pm

There is a big huge sign that I have posted by my telephone- it says-

"Make sure brain is in gear, before mouth is in motion"

I think more people need to get it.

At any rate, I hope you find the stregth to move on, and that your pain gets easier to manage.
May you only have simchos fron here on.

Barbara

Mon, Jan 03 2011, 3:50 pm

I don't think that there's anything I can or should say other than that I am so sorry for your loss.

goldapoe

Mon, Jan 03 2011, 3:53 pm

Levial I hear a lot of myself in your post (although I am many years down the road from my stillbirth) the months following that time are still very sharp. Whereas my DH and I so wanted to get back to a normal routine and attempt to move our lives forward by doing that we found that "well-meaning" people felt they could just say anything around us and we'd be fine. We weren't Sad

My mantra throughout the day was to behave with grace and dignity.

Wishing you enormous amounts of G and D!

Last edited by goldapoe on Mon, Jan 03 2011, 4:08 pm; edited 1 time in total

robynm

Mon, Jan 03 2011, 4:06 pm

I like your title! can I steal it and use it for my own post?
just put a sign on your forhead that says "mind your own business"

my opinion, its ok to be bitter. to be mad. to even lash out. tell people what you feel. we are so concerned with being nice and politically correct all the time. tell them what you feel. otherwise they wont learn.

only health and happiness!

amother

Mon, Jan 03 2011, 4:08 pm

your post made me cry. My daughter passed away in March 2010 from leukemia at 10 weeks old and the comments that people say are unbearable! People do not think before they speak, do not have tact and usually are just very noisy.
Hashem should give you the stregnth to continue on every day.

aidelmaidel

Mon, Jan 03 2011, 4:31 pm

levial, I am so sorry for your loss. May Hashem bentch you with only revealed good.

shosh

Mon, Jan 03 2011, 4:33 pm

amother wrote:

I am sorry to read this too, and I can't even find the words to express what this makes me feel.
May all bereaved mothers everywhere know no more pain.

levial

Mon, Jan 03 2011, 5:15 pm

Thanks everyone. I didn't mean to start a pity party.

Goldapoe- this is exactly it. You said it in a nutshell. Amother, may Hashem bring us strength and brachot.

I am just struggling every day. I don't get to say how I woke up in the middle of the night for a week remembering how I found my son. I don't get to say how hard it is when my daughter says "Mommy, isn't it good for you that you don't have a stinky diaper to change?" and I have to address it head on and say, yes, we have lots of blessings but I wouldn't mind, in fact I would love a baby, but yes, DD you are "enough" for me and make me happy too.. Or be careful not to dump on DH too much.

So if I have to put a lid on these comments, why does everyone else get to behave poorly?

Deep breath. It meant a lot to write this out. Thanks.

chocolate moose

Mon, Jan 03 2011, 5:19 pm

People behave poorly because they're so entrenched in their own lives. That doesn't make them bad or unfeeling. They aren't sensitive because they aren't keilim for it at that point in their lives.

If it's a problem for OP, she needs to deal with it. Either by taking more time for herself, therapy, not eating out, avoiding certain kinds of ppl, etc.

gryp

Mon, Jan 03 2011, 5:23 pm

I'm so sorry, levial. May Hashem bentch you abundantly.

auntie_em

Mon, Jan 03 2011, 5:45 pm

levial, Somehow I missed the thread where people were posting condolances. I am so very sorry to read of your loss.