"Going rate" for wedding expenses

southernbubby

Fri, Sep 01 2006, 9:48 am

A poster in a thread about teenagers wanted to start a thread about the going rate for wedding expenses. Here are some of the common expenses associated with a chassunah:
The l'chaim
The ufruf and Shabbos kallah
Catering
Photography
Liquer
music
Flowers
clothing for chosson, kallah and family members for the chassunah and beyond
benchers and invitations
shadchanus and money for the mesader kiddushin
shaitels
ring and other jewelry
sheva brochas
furnishings for the new household
airfare, gifts and other miscellaneous expenses
support for couple if in kollel or college
Often these things are discussed before the couple meets, depending on the communty the family belongs to.
Sometimes these expenses are ridiculously high and could be pared down.
Does anyone have opinions as to how these costs can be contained?

Nomad

Fri, Sep 01 2006, 10:13 am

hmmm..for items to set up the new house - instead of shopping in department stores - try to shop at stores like national wholesale liquidators - its amazing how much money you can save like that (they have dishes, appliances, bath items...)

sheva brachos - have the choson and kallahs friends make one to save - and theyre usually really fun!

ring - a six prong ring makes a round diamond look larger and is sturdier

kids in college - look a lot harder into getting scholarships or financial aid

clothing for family for chassunah - they can buy or rent on their own

hmm - thats all I can think of now..
a lot of the other expenses depends on how much the families can spend and afford... so to keep thinks down - only spend as much as you can afford (which people do not always do)

chen

Fri, Sep 01 2006, 10:59 am

These measures are only for strong-minded people who don't care what "everyone will think"--and I'm basing this on NY -style weddings. From what I've seen, out of NY affairs are already much more modest and may have less fat to slash.

1. Limit number of guests. This is probably the single most effective measure, as the catering is the single biggest expense. A few hundred people more or less makes a big difference.
2. Simpler menu, fewer courses, fewer choices or no choice as to main dish. Milchik meal.
3. Smaller band--do you really need six pieces?
4. Smaller albums, fewer photos, no video
5. Bar closes before dinner is over, or have bar open only during kabbolas ponim, not during dinner. Wine only, no hard liquor.
6. Pastry and coffee during kabbolas ponim rather than full smorgasbord.
7. Foliage plants rather than flower centerpieces; simpler flowers rather than exotic species. Smaller, simpler bouquet. Carnations are a whole lot cheaper than orchids or roses.
8. Smaller invitations, thermographic printing rather than engraved, printed on thinner stock rather than heavy card stock, or print your own on your computer printer. Buy plain benchers in bulk and print "Wedding reception of..." on computer using those nearly-invisible stick-on labels.
9. One-piece self-folding invites with perforated tear-off response card rather than conventional envelope-within-an-envelope design.
10. Borrow a gown rather than have one made.
11. Street-length dresses for wedding party, that can be worn to less-formal occasions or on YomTov, rather than obvious "bridal party" gowns.
12. Persuade the couple to lower their expectations. I fail to see why a newlywed couple should expect to start married life fully stocked with all the finest furnishings and appliances and crystal, silver and china service for 16. I personally don't know anyone who did so--and that includes couples who had already been in the workforce for a time before getting married as well as people getting married for the second time. there is nothing wrong with starting out with four folding chairs, a card table, and a cutting board, and building up from there. If nothing else, that will give them the right, when the time comes, to tell their children, "we started married life in a tiny basement apartment furnished in Early Thrift Shop, so can you."

shoy18

Fri, Sep 01 2006, 11:11 am

I agree with chen, you dont need everything to be the best and expectations are everything. What I think is the chosson kallah should figure out what is important to them and what really doesnt matter to them, while some couples may be really in to the pictures and the video, while others really dont care much, but really want a nice band. It should be a trade off, they should be able to decide which things they want Special and which things they dont need or want.

Another thing, a couple gets married and they have thier whole life to aquire things, like dishes and silverware and other things. you dont need everything at once. For me I still have servce for 8 of my fleshig weekday dishes in boxes, why? bec we never got around to toiveling bec we never really need them, however the shabbos dishes are important to have a alot bec we always have guests. Were married 3 years

avigayil

Fri, Sep 01 2006, 12:24 pm

Dh and I were very fortunate. A good friend of mine made the vort and a sheva brachas for us. My kallah teacher, who had also been my teacher years before when I was converting, made another one.

Our chasunah was held in the early afternoon and we served a brunch menu instead of a fleishig dinner one. The desserts were really nice dairy ones. Everyone had a great time.

We designed our own invitations and delivered most of them by hand.

I received some formal china as a gift and my mom and I add to it, little by little each year.

ny21

Mon, Sep 04 2006, 4:49 pm

I have seen - while visitng a hall

A table with RECycled yamalkas - on the table were -blue =
green - purple - yellow- yalmakas dated as far back as 1950
some were the oldfashioned satin kind ! some were leather !

it looked like the wedding was expenive but they did not want to spring for the yamlkas which I guess was used for the guest to wear
during the chupah !

they also had assorted used doileys for the womens hair!

Last edited by ny21 on Mon, Sep 04 2006, 5:21 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Mon, Sep 04 2006, 5:08 pm

Avigail you wedding sounds fun! Momoftwins,the mismatched yarmulkas was probably because someone remembered at the last minute they needed them.

Ok, just wondering how many of you were supported by your parents when you were newly married and husband in Kollel? (or college)

I certainly was not, neither me or dh expected it. (we are lubavitch, if that makes a difference in this issue) However, my sister got married a few months after us. Her husband was not planning to go to Kollel at all, but his parents insisted on MY parents "supporting" them. ie giving them some sort of monthly income. I don't think it was a huge amount, however we never got a penny! However, because of this my parents insisted on paying for our tickets home for Yom Tov, so I guess we did get something because of that.

MMEC123

Mon, Sep 04 2006, 5:19 pm

Unfortunately, many if not most people succumb to societal pressure and spend beyond their means while marrying off a child. I'm an out-of-towner and where I grew up ANYTHING (literally) goes. I've been to weddings served buffet style on paper plates with a stereo playing the music. Our wedding wasn't quite that simple but it was certainly nothing like weddings in NY. We were perfectly happy. Our belief is that the point is not the wedding but what you do with your marriage afterwards (of course DH's relatives laughed and commented about the wedding for months but who cares). Also, our parents did not give us a penny for anything beyond the wedding itself- not furniture, not household needs, nothing! We managed ourselves. It's hard, it's tight, but in the end it matured us faster and was a good learning and growth experience.

Edited to add: I'm mistaken, my parents paid for one of my sheitals.

Pickle Lady

Mon, Sep 04 2006, 5:44 pm

southernbubby I think it depends on where the wedding is held and who the family is trying to impress. Also what is the norm the family is used to seeing in the weddings they attend.

My family nor my husbands didn't give us much money to pay for my wedding nor house set-up money. So what I wanted for my wedding was limited by the money that I saw right in front of me. Also I planned the wedding by myself. I had pretty low expectations for my wedding.

Fake flowers, Don't even get me started on my ring, one man band, plastic plates.

What makes a beautiful wedding is knowing how happy the chosson and kallah are to be together. Isn't that the most important?

lubcoralsprings

Mon, Sep 04 2006, 5:48 pm

I think you need to split things accordingly. If you aren't going to have very many guests then you shouldn't have to pay the same amount. Things like the l'chaim needed to be equally split because it benifits both sides equally. Unless of course you are having a l'chaim in your own city and the other side won't have anyone there. I do however, feel that no matter what don't get the kids involved. It's up to the Machitainesters to fight it out and the kids shouldn't be involved.

batya_d

Mon, Sep 04 2006, 6:37 pm

I can't emphasize enough how useless our fancy wedding videographer was. Don't waste the money... we watched itonce, and I didn't even enjoy watching the blow-by-blow that much, the photos are so much more elegant! Sure, I enjoyed being able to see everyone that was there who I didn't get a chance to see, but when am I ever going to sit down for 2 hours again and watch it? Not worth however much it cost.

And, even if you cut corners on the chasuna itself (we really didn't need so many entree choices or as many musicans as we had), the list of secondary expenses that come after the wedding really adds up... when I think of all the "extras" my parents paid for during shanah rishonah, that most of my friends parents also did:

-- extra furniture like bookshelves, closet racks, as we acquired more seforim and I moved books and clothes out of my parents house.

-- my mom stocked me up with clothing for the first year, not to mention sheitals (!), and the tichels added up too...

-- parents helping out with groceries, especially meat during shanah rishonah (and shanah sheini, and shana slishi LOL

)

klotzkashe

Mon, Sep 04 2006, 8:15 pm

Well you're lucky!

OUr parents did the wedding 50/50. My husband bought me my sheitels. My parents in law are very supportive as my husband is still in school. They committed to putting every one of their kids through school. So together with the government and a bit of work, they are helping us. As soon as DH finishes school we're on our own. we are looking forward to this!
my parents never offered anything after the wedding and I also didn't expect it. we have learnt to be resourceful and dont' live extravagantly.

with wedding expenses - so many of them can be cut down.
I had a fancy wedding bc my father was a caterer and got a great deal in a great hall. the food was cost price so we could pick what we wanted. we got a 5 pc band bc that's the standard here and had standard photos and video.

in australia there is no such thing as a shmorg at kabolas ponims. u come and there might be some fruit and cake but really gnereally there isn't anything. the chuppah is immediately after (around 4pm) and then pple go home until the wedding starts (at 7pm)

the wedding adn chuppah are generally not held in the same place.
'
so there you've saved on the shmorg.

also you dont' have to have alternating choices for courses.
you don't need to print a bencher for EVERY person (and you can get the basic one)

here we also have a florist who makes flowers for hte chuppah and then transfers them to the head table for you after the chuppah. so there's some money saved too!

ALso, do you need flowers on EVERY table? pple here borrow centrepieces from gmachs and some won't put flowers - maybe they'll have just ivy instead.

I ahve been to weddings where there were 40 tables and each centrepiece on each table was 50 bucks - THAT'S 2,000!!!

I'd rather a lounge suite thank u very much!!!

for me the most important was the band and photos.
(and my dress)

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Sep 05 2006, 3:53 am

Quote:

Ok, just wondering how many of you were supported by your parents when you were newly married and husband in Kollel? (or college)

nope. we are not being supported. yes, our parents do help up if we need help, but most definitely not being supported. we want very much to try to start out life on our own. it is tight, but we want to look back and be able to say, we did it. we got ourselves off the ground.

batya_d wrote:

And, even if you cut corners on the chasuna itself the list of secondary expenses that come after the wedding really adds up... when I think of all the "extras" my parents paid for during shanah rishonah, that most of my friends parents also did:
-- extra furniture like bookshelves, closet racks, as we acquired more seforim and I moved books and clothes out of my parents house.
-- my mom stocked me up with clothing for the first year, not to mention sheitals (!), and the tichels added up too...
-- parents helping out with groceries, especially meat during shanah rishonah (and shanah sheini, and shana slishi LOL

)

well, you were lucky them. my parents and my husband's parents helped pay for the wedding. baruch HaShem we got a VERY generous gift from grandparents that helped us in buying furniture, but neithe one of our parents helped with that, neither did they ask if we would need the help.
you are also lucky if your parents and in laws live close enough to help pay with groceries. we live on different continents from our parents and so, we have to make do with what we have and with what we make in terms of salary and thats all.

sarahd

Tue, Sep 05 2006, 4:56 am

Okay, let's see what I can come up with from Bubby's list:

The l'chaim

Make at home, home-baked stuff, some fruit and soft drinks

The ufruf and Shabbos kallah

Aufruf - try the lowest common denominator kiddush, simple pekelach
Shabbos kallah - ? what's the problem? Serve nosh, fruit platter, drinks. Shouldn't cost over $100.

Catering

Keep the guest count down!!! Use the Simcha Guidelines as an excuse, if necessary. Take the caterer's standard stuff, no extras.

Photography

You know what you can skip? The professional album. We had one made and we also made our own from leftover proofs and friends' snapshots. We enjoy our own much more. We could have saved over $1,000 by not taking the album. Exploding anger

Liquer

Who needs liqueur? A bottle of wine on each table, vezehu. Maybe if it's Lubavitch you need harder liquor, so put a bottle of vodka on the table.

music

1-man band, of course.

Flowers

We ordered the simplest arrangement possible...and only for the women. Men generally do not notice flowers.

clothing for chosson, kallah and family members for the chassunah and beyond

Rent/Gemach for the chasunah. For sheva brachos - everyone must surely have Shabbos clothes, clothes they wore to other people's chasunas, etc. You need buy no more than 1-2 outfits, esp. because few kallahs ever wear their S.B. more than a few times afterwards. And you can wear the same thing more than once, too.

For after S.B., what's wrong with what the chosson/kallah wore before the wedding?

benchers and invitations

See chen's suggestions.

shadchanus and money for the mesader kiddushin

Well, you gotta pay what they charge, don't you?

shaitels

Get one nicer one and one cheaper one. who needs more?

sheva brochas

Get other people to make them. Prepare Shabbos S.B., if you're making it, well in advance, home-cooked stuff. Get a waiter to set up, serve and clean up, but do other stuff yourself.

furnishings for the new household

Second-hand...minimize...Even if you can't live down to chen's standards LOL

, you can still make do very nicely with a dinette set (start off with it in the dining room and later the couple can buy themselves a dining room and move the dinette into the kitchen) and 2nd hand bedroom set. 2 sets of pots, starter sets of dishes, and you're almost all done.

airfare, gifts and other miscellaneous expenses

Marry someone in-town, then you have no airfare. Very Happy

support for couple if in kollel or college

Unless you're very wealthy, the young couple should undertake to bring in part of the income, with the parents filling in the gaps. JMHO.

supermom

Tue, Sep 05 2006, 6:42 am

sarahd wrote:

Second-hand...minimize...Even if you can't live down to chen's standards LOL

I have do agree there. Most of our house is second hand besides our bedroom set, dining room set, kitchen (fridge and stove) washer and dryer, and crib.

Everything else is second hand.
computer desk
kids beds (from my parents house that they wanted to give away)
couches
Kitchen table
chairs husband redid the chairs to make them look presentable with old jean shirts that we found and some plastic.

My husband made the changing table, our first couch , swings for our kids, shelves, closets.
Most of our kitchen appliances came from my grandmother that wanted to get rid of most of her stuff before she moved.

I love second hand you can get really nice stuff and no one would know if it was used already.

I think that alot of people when bored of their things throw them out to second hand shops or try to get rid of them even if they are in perfect shape.

ssbarnes

Tue, Sep 05 2006, 7:18 am

Our parents did not help us financially with our wedding. We put ourselves on a budget and stuck to it. We did our budget on weddingchannel.com.

We held the wedding on a Sunday morning, so that the catering hall was cheaper.

We had silk flowers made from http://www.thebridesbouquet.com/. She added a rose scent and they smelled lovely. I had ordered extra flowers for my Bubbe b/c she was not well enough to travel to the wedding and I wanted her to have something. I gave the flowers to my aunt. They looked so real that she kept them in the refigerator. LOL

My husband bought me a trillion shaped diamond. Even my mother thinks the karat size is twice what it actually is. I will have to ask him if he remembers where he purcahsed it. Our appraisal on it came back at higher than what he actually paid for it. I just can't remember the name of the place. He does tend to buy me jewelry from www.ice.com for decent prices.

I got my dress from a sample sale. It was last year's style, but I got a $5000 dress for $125. Then my girlfriend who is a seamstress made the dress frum. She did that for me as my wedding gift.

I got quotes from 4 kosher restaurants to cater the affair. I let them compete for my business.

I did the same w/ the photographer. We chose an option that did not have an album, but we own the rights to the negatives. We only paid $450 for him to photograph us all day (from 9:00am until 6:00pm). We got one set of prints and the negatives and CD. We created our album at a later date when we didn't have all the other expenses.

We opted for a DJ over a band. We picked all the music that we wanted and made sure that it was ready to go before the wedding.

We bought blank invitations at Michael's (craft store). We bought one box each week with the 20% off coupon that came in the mail. Then we printed them ourselves.

I can't remember anything else we did to save money at this time. I just kept my Zayde's voice in my head telling me that it was my money until I chose to give it away.

Dena