Apologise and move on or validate own feelings?

amother

Sat, Feb 05 2011, 1:40 pm

My cousin just had a baby and I posted a message on her facebook saying " Congratulations [cousin and cousin's DH]! I'm so happy to hear this wonderful news! " Lots of other people had posted messages of congratulations too.

Later that day my Mum called me saying she had just received a phone call from my aunt (mum of the cousin who had the baby) saying that it was very upsetting for my cousin to receive a sarcastic message from me on her FB! The aunt had not actually seen the message.

I was completely dumbfounded, unable to see how my message could have in any way be perceived as being sarcastic but more than that, if there had been any ambiguity to the message I would have hoped that the cousin and aunt would have known me well enough to realise that I am not the kind of person who would send a deliberately offensive message to a close family member who had just had a baby!

The baby was 2 weeks ovrdue and I had been posting supportive messages to my cousin for the last three weeks, deliberately not annoying her with calls or text messages asking for updates but just responding to her "nothing to report" type posts on FB with simple messages such as "thinking of you." I had also had a conversation with the neice of the cousin asking for updates and for her to pass on good wishes from me.

Anyway, I am wondering what I should do now. My Mum has spoken to the parents of the cousin saying that I did not mean to cause offence and am upset that they would think I would, to which my uncle replied that if I had simply written "Congratulations" that would have been fine.

I have removed the message from FB. I suppose the right thing to do would be to send a private message of congratulations to the cousin and her parents and apologise for what I wrote before but right now I feel a strong desire to let them know that it was deeply upsetting to know that they think so little of me that I would write something hurtful to someone I love on such a joyous occasion.

What would you do?

ora_43

Sat, Feb 05 2011, 2:02 pm

I wouldn't get upset with the cousin just yet. You're relying on what your mom says her sister says your cousin said. Maybe your cousin's mom was wrong in thinking your cousin was upset or something.

Could you speak to your cousin directly and say something along the lines of, you heard she was upset and were wondering if it was true. And only if she says yes, she was upset, at that point you could say something like, "why did you think I meant it like that" (and IMHO try to sound genuinely questioning and not accusing - to make her feel a bit stupid, not defensive).

And save the whole thing for a few weeks, so that you won't end up trying to talk about something sensitive while she's possibly hormonal and exhausted.

amother

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 7:53 am

She definitely didn't confuse me with someone else and she was definitely upset.

I can accept she might have been hormonal and exhausted and might have taken it the wrong way (although I feel I'm beging generous there because I think the message was nice) but what is really upsetting is that my aunt first didn't find out what I'd written before contacting my Mum and second, thought that I am the kind of person who would write a sarcastic message to her daughter at this time.

Actually, this whole situation reminds me of when we set the date for our wedding after a fairly short engagement and the same aunt said "how come you're having the wedding so soon? Are you pregnant?" She meant it quite genuinely but as the only person in my extended family who was shomer negiah I wasn't exactly happy that she thought that could be a possibility! Since I know she wasn't trying to be nasty though, I didn't say anything to her about it, even though I thought what she said was inappropriate.

Anyway, I have removed the message from my cousin's facebook and my Mum has told my aunt this while reiterating that I have done it only because it upset her and not because I wanted to withdraw congratulations.

I am sufferring quite badly with depression at the moment and honestly could not handle a phone conversation with either my cousin or my aunt.

amother

Tue, Feb 08 2011, 6:11 am

freidasima wrote:

skip the conversation.
From what you just wrote your aunt sounds like a nasty piece of work and your mother has her work cut out for her with a sister like that.
Is your cousin like that as well?
anyone who would ask someone if they are pregnant and that's why they are getting married would get a slap in the face from me. Feh. Fichsa.

It is not important but she is my Dad's sister.

I know that my aunt did not mean to hurt me when she asked if I was pregnant which is why I did not complain at the time. She would not approve of pregnancy before marriage but she would not be horrified by it either (my Mum would though!) and she was asking in more of a "cool! does this mean we get a new baby in the family?" way rather than thinking I had done something terrible.

My cousin is not the brightest of people but neither my cousin nor my aunt are a nasty piece of work which is why I was shocked by this incident! At the very least I would have expected my aunt to tell her daughter to think for a moment whether it is likely that the cousin who had been leaving supportive messages for the last three weeks and asking after her would deliberately leave a hurtful message when she had had the baby.

I won't be able to attend the kiddush as I'm living overseas but I'll wait and see if they let me have details of it anyway and take it from there.

I'm thinking of writing to either my cousin and my aunt and know it would be classier to not mention this incident at all but it will be hard to resist the temptation to!

amother

Fri, May 13 2011, 7:28 am

I'm the OP of this thread.

I tried to find out when the kiddush was but my Dad said they might not have one or might have one later (they're not frum.) In the end, they did have one and I wasn't told until ages later (actually I wasn't told at all, I saw it on her FB thanking everyone who went.) I figured it might have been a last minute thing and I wasn't told because I don't live locally.

Anyway, it was my cousin's birthday last week and she had a huge party to which every family member was invited - except me. I was not even told about it. I had a card and small gift for my cousin and sent her a FB message asking for her new address but she did not reply so I just sent her an email wishing her Happy Birthday. She did not reply to that either and now her FB is full of messages about the party and my cousins are putting up pics. This is how I found out about it.

I just spoke to my mum and brother and they said they assumed I had been invited but couldn't go.

What would you do? I don't want to lose relationships with my cousins who mean so much to me. Even if this cousin doesn't want contact with me anymore (over such a stupid thing) I don't want other cousins to be hostile with me because they have heard an inaccurate version of the story from her.

londoner

Fri, May 13 2011, 8:33 am

I'm sorry the situation has deteriorated like this. Do you have a cousin who you're friendly with who is also close to her who you could ask to investigate whether she is upset and exactly why and mediate if necessary? If she then responds in a lunatic fashion at least it will start to become clearer to others that something is not quite right with her.

From what you've posted here it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong but sometimes people respond in funny way to things particularly if hormonal and with nursing this could go on for a long time.

amother

Fri, May 13 2011, 9:12 am

I don't know which of our mutual cousins she is closest with. I have one cousin in particular who is really easy going and friendly with everyone but I think she would most likely tell me she doesn't want to get involved if I asked her to help me and I don't want to risk looking like the weird one who is making a mountain out of a molehill.

The family of cousins I am closest to don't live near the other cousin anymore. The are friendly with her but it might be strange for them to get invloved.

I understand that hormones might me playing a part (why does my aunt not get this?!) and if she is feeling depressed (I don't know if she is or not) I don't want to kick her when she's down so to speak.

I wonder if I should send her an email saying I really had no intention of offending her before, it was a simple message of congratulations and nothing more and that I really care about her and would hate to fall out over this. But at the same time I don't want to make it seem as if I realise I did something wrong and am apologising because if she still acts strangely over it she might go on to tell people I have admitted to being out of line. Also, I don't know if I should mention the kiddush and the birthday party.

zaq

Fri, May 13 2011, 9:43 am

Normally I don't consider "I'm sorry you were offended" as an apology, b/c what it says is not "I'm sorry I did wrong" but "I'm sorry I got caught". But in this case, where an apology isn't warranted b/c you did nothing wrong, that exactly hits the spot. It satisfies your cousin's need to be "right" while allowing you to remain truthful to yourself and not confess to a crime you didn't commit. There's no point groveling, because it appears that your cousin is determined to be offended no matter what. Chalk it up to PP insanity, send the card and gift, and then keep your distance for a little while in the hope that she soon comes back to normal and you can resume your former cordial relationship.

I just had an odd thought: Is there any possibility that your cousin had gone through a period of infertility about which she is sensitive, and in her PP mental imbalance, interpreted your sincere "I'm so happy for you" as condescending, the way the HS beauty queen might tell the class nerdette at graduation "I'm impressed, you're wearing makeup"?

amother

Fri, May 13 2011, 11:54 am

Thanks everyone for you replies, they have really helped :-).

I'm pretty sure she did not go through infertility. She's only 20 and didn't have to wait long before getting pregnant. I am 30 and childless though. Maybe she thought I was bitter about it though and didn't really think the news was wonderful, but I think that is quite far fetched because I am not a bitter person and it was just a simple message, plus I had been sending her encouraging messages all through the pregnancy, especially the last three weeks.

I'll tell her I'm sorry she was offended and I'll send her the gift. I'll have to ask around for her new address since she didn't give it to me, maybe that can be a way to let someone else know that I'm doing the right thing ("Have you got [cousin]'s new address? I have a gift and card here for her, she hasn't replied to any of the messages I sent her asking for her address.)

amother

Sun, May 15 2011, 10:09 am

I completely do not understand why you are now the victim of such remarks like being called sarcastic. why on earth, what is wrong with them? you behaved very nicely, being supportive of your cousin through the pregnancy as you said. when she had the baby you were delighted for and expressed this in your message!
maybe they do not understand emotions well, or the expression of them?
I don't get it
sorry
just forget about it, you acted very nicely and have nothing to feel guilty about that's for sure!! just let their comments fly by you and remember you were very nice and absolutely nothing wrong done by you