13.5 yo dd involved with boy

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 3:22 pm

We first found out she was talking to a kid on the block a few months ago. We are a normal charedi family, he is jewish but not religious. We found out they talked/phoned and wrote to each other. She also said he hugged her. We gave ger a huge punishment (grounded) and talked about why its not good. We thought all was behind us. She is a smart kid - excellent grades, we thought she's "got it" about why this is a big no-no.
6 weeks later the school found out (BY), they told her this was her last chance. We assured the school it had been dealt with and was all past history.
Apparently though it wasn't. One night she slipped out the house to meet him. After an hour we found her hiding - she was scared to come home but eventually we got her in and we realised it was never over. SInce then she has lied to us so often about it being over and denying sending notes (even though I 100% know she gave him notes and recived notes). He has promised her an MP4, he leaves her notes near her school.
I have spoken to him - to no avail. His parents are "absent" and they are not the kind of family you get on the wrong side of. Apparently everyone in their building is scared of them. I talk to dd constantly but she continues to lie to my face. I know she is lying coz I have proof - I have some notes that we intercepted from her secret note swapping place. I have told her she is ruining her life - this kid is from a bad bad home - the police are involved ith them on a regular basis. My dh is ready to ground her for life!
I just dont know what to do. The boy seems to hardly ever be in school so is always around. This shabbes I sent her on an errand with her sister to a neighbor across the street - she was gone 7 minutes, and in those 7 minutes she managed to pass him a note (her sister told me).
What can I do? What did we do wrong? I just dont know what to do with her.

amother

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 3:23 pm

op here - the boy is 14 yo.

sequoia

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 3:25 pm

He sounds like bad news.

What is missing in your daughter's life that she needs this validation from him?

amother

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 3:28 pm

We had similar with our dd when she was around this age, but the boy's family was also frum and we knew them so all the parents put an end to it with explanations and not allowing any secrecy (not giving them any opportunities - no private phone calls, etc.) If she doesn't listen to explanations and you can't limit her privacy, and there is no other set of parents working with you, you may just have to daven for her to grow up and out of this stage. Ours did B"H.

amother

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 3:32 pm

sequoia wrote:

He sounds like bad news.

What is missing in your daughter's life that she needs this validation from him?

op: I wish I knew....any ideas? I am a sahm, we're a close family, good shalom bayis. Not much spare money though, and he is offering a mp4 - which we couldn't afford....but more importantly would not allow.

amother

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 3:35 pm

amother wrote:

op here: no his parents would not care. She was even banned from total use of the phone for a while, but she always seems to be one step ahead of us with the notes and secret places to leave them. She isn't my oldest child but she was the smartest one, the one I trusted most...I just dont get it!

amother

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 3:39 pm

Poster with the dd who was in this situation. Try support and explanations again. DH told her that he will find her a good boy to go out with with when she is 17 if she wants, but now is not the right time, even if she thinks she is helping this boy, she is not the right one to do that. Your parents love you and know what is best...we understand, and you're normal, and you're not bad, but this has to end.

sequoia

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 3:40 pm

Maybe she's bored. Get her involved in activities where she can express herself.

Also, maybe now isn't the time to forbid music.

amother

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 3:41 pm

speaking from the other side of the coin, I did stuff as a teenager that I dont think my parents know about even till today. I was a "good" girl from a good home, good school, I had top grades, and a fabulous group of friends ( with whom I did not share my little adventures with). my parents once caught me on the phone with a boy, they were devestated, couldn't understand why I "needed" this I was a happy kid had everything. (I was smart about sneaking around though, I never got into trouble with school, I didn't want any trouble just to have fun).

to this day I can't explain it, no logic reason, maybe I was just totally boy crazy, or craving a boyfriend, I don't know. bottom line, whatever my parents tried to restrict me with, I got around it somehow. I think the more you restrict her the more she will try to see him and take risks that may get her into trouble with school. I would say maybe keep her really really busy, too busy to see him maybe? like sundays take her with on all your errands cuz you want her company. make fun things to do at home that she won't want to miss. if she really continues, out of town schooling maybe be the only option but at age 13 she seems too young for that.

I wish there was a great solution for this. I worry about my kids doing these things all the time (they are little now but when they are teenagers, oy) based on my experiences I think that if a kid really wants to sneak they will find a way. otherwise, hugs and best of luck to you. it must be so hard to go through this.

shosh

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 3:46 pm

Maybe this sounds radical, but what about sending her away to school?

tsiggelle

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 3:50 pm

out of town schooling might not work, if he isnt in school and they send messages about her new location.

also when she is in the area, you have more opportunity of occupying her in other ways.

amother

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 3:55 pm

Sounds, real scary. You need someone who is smart and deals with such situation to guide you. You may have to get her an mp4 or better, to give her what she craves from you and then you can keep an eye open on it etc. Please get intervention to help you deal with this in the best way possible. Hatzlacha

amother

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 3:56 pm

op here:
thankyou all for suggestions. Not sure oot schooling would make much difference - there are boys everywhere! She has to understand why we dont mix with boys atall...not just this one.
I dont forbid music she has an mp3 but the mp4 can have movies - which we dont allow, although for doing something very good we do allow "clean" movies that me and dh have pre-allowed (at home with supervision).
I guess keeping her busy is a good idea, although every time I let her out the house she finds him....even on the way to school he hangs out waiting for her. Apparently from the last note I snatched in their hiding place I read that the menahel of her school has noticed him hanging around and approached him and told him to stay away. But he wont care about a menahel. I was thinking of going to the police, but truth is I am also scared of his mafioso type family, and repercutions.

sequoia

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 4:00 pm

Well keeping her locked up at home will just make things worse.

Believe me.

Get her involved in lots of activities (swimming, drama, dance, chesed... whatever is available). She needs an outlet. You can't forbid her to do something she really wants to and not give her any alternatives.

What will the police say? He's not harassing her. They're speaking together mutually. No point in talking to the police.

tsiggelle

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 4:02 pm

amother wrote:

I think she is either still fully on board with him, or is afraid to drop him, maybe he has threatened or blackmailed her, but she doesnt want to show her fear in front of you/the school.

I do think you should get expert advice for this.

BestMomBrooklyn

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 4:31 pm

How about inviting him three times a week for supper? Bring it out, and the novelty of the secret will become history?

Depressed

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 4:46 pm

First call Shmuel Gluck Project Arevim in Monsey , hes excellent in these areas..

Get professional advice on this immediately.. 5 girls in my high school class had abortions, and that was 30 years ago, when things werent so complicated as they are today...

amother

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 4:54 pm

op here:
I need help in Israel...anyone know people in Israel that can help us?
thanks

marina

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 7:27 pm

BestMomBrooklyn wrote:

How about inviting him three times a week for supper? Bring it out, and the novelty of the secret will become history?

I second this idea. I would definitely get to know the boy and his family more and not jump to conclusions based on what neighborhood yentas are saying.

OP, when your daughter is this adamant, it is good to remember that your chinuch role changes from enforcer to cheerleader as they get older.

I would NOT send her away, lock her in the house, punish her for talking to him.

Instead, I would speak to her about your main concerns: her safety, her healthy outlook on s-xuality, whatever else you think is important. I would ask her to meet you in the middle somewhere. Like she can't go out on dates with him, but they can drink lemonade in your backyard under your supervision. Or something like that.

You might have to switch schools. This is not the end of the world. Your kid is not on drugs, she's not promiscious, she's not shoplifting. She's sneaking around and passing notes to a boy. That's NORMAL. Forbidden fruit tastes sweet.

718

Sun, Feb 06 2011, 8:16 pm

shosh wrote:

Maybe this sounds radical, but what about sending her away to school?

Did you read Reb Jungreis colum the last few weeks? Mothers from otd kids wrote in that sending their kids away was a death sentence.

Call a proffesional. Dont wait till she outgrows it, enough damage can happen until then.

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