13.5 yo dd involved with boy

MommySA

Mon, Feb 07 2011, 3:43 am

wow this is not an easy one! I'm still relatively young (27) so do remember my teenage years, a few of my friends went through patches like this and most of the girls that did have boyfriends were just looking to feel loved and have attention. I'm sure you are wonderful parents (as were most of these parents) but sometimes with a few kids to take care of it's not always possible to give each kid all the attention / love they need. I'm not critisizing or judging at all but maybe if you AND your husband take turns once a week to take her out - doesn't have to be for something expensive - a walk in the park and an ice cream. Just keep telling her how much you love her! Giving her more responsibilities in the home may not be the best answer as although everyone has to do their bit she MAY resent having so much responsibility on her shoulders (this may not be the case maybe speak it through with her)

Maybe encourage her to run a kids camp over the holidays which will keep her occupied and earn her money at the same time which she can then spend on doing a hobby of her choice?

You do have to watch the influence and affects on your younger children which is one of the hardest parts of this.

I wish you best of luck!

sequoia

Mon, Feb 07 2011, 3:50 am

Sorry, but lack of money is not an excuse. You have to get her involved in creative activities. She's a teenager. A growing young woman. She has to express herself and develop her talents. Keeping her at home and loading her with housework is the opposite of a solution!

merelyme

Mon, Feb 07 2011, 3:52 am

OP, this is normal but not what you want. Don't overreact but it needs to be taken care of. Please get professional advice on exactly what to do. You could try Project Tvunot (run by Rabbi Brezak) and/or Kav L'Noar for help and a mentor asap. I know the person in charge of Kav L'Noar's mentoring program and you will be very, very happy with them, be"H.
http://www.kavlnoar.org/
Hatzlacha and nachas!

freidasima

Mon, Feb 07 2011, 3:58 am

amother here in EY, your situation is a lot more complicated than most chulnikim on this site can understand because of the communal situation and that of schooling for your other children in BY who can defnitely get asked to leave if you move your daughter out.
Talking to her won't always help.
Even a professional won't always help until you understand what the problem is.
Is she truly aware of the consequences of what she is doing?
Is her level of maturity cabable of understanding long term consequences?
Is the problem the school? The religious level that she wants to be at (let's say DL as opposed to charedi?)? If you she might be very happy as DL but it will mess up the rest of the kids in terms of schooling, future, shidduchs etc. and you know that well.
Things are very sticky in EY about such matters in the charedi velt.
Obviously some intervention is needed here but I'm not sure what the correct type is right now without more details. I know that you don't want to out yourself but if you want to write to me feel free.

shevi82

Mon, Feb 07 2011, 5:06 am

I didn’t read the whole thread, but I suggest you go to the following for advice of what to do

Kav LANOAR-Sima Gordon 622-3039
Rabbi Dovid Orlofsky-Har Nof
Rabbi Noach Orlowick

Also davening always helps…. Good luck

Isramom8

Mon, Feb 07 2011, 6:45 am

Would she speak frankly with an older teenage girl or young married woman? I'm thinking that my daughters would probably be good with this. Maybe you can find a "big sister" for her. Kav Lenoar mentioned above might be good for that. But I don't know if they would get into specifics - they might just "be her friend".

I hope it's totally not at this stage but things can happen suddenly...you said that you don't trust this boy, and what if a pregnancy occurs? Then your dd's situation would be that much more complicated, and not only because of issurim but because of safety issues at her young age. She has to understand that she must make sure this does not happen (and how). The other issues are also important (very much so in my opinion), but this is a line she cannot cross or allow to be crossed.

peacemom

Mon, Feb 07 2011, 7:26 am

I have used Kav L'Noar, but with a teen boy a bit older than you're daughter. I was pleased with their help.
Rena Orlowek of Tvunot (its not Rabbi Brezak) is a very helpful and caring person.
I have a very close friend (here in Yerushalyim) who is going through the exact same thing with a daughter the same age. She also took her out of BY and has put her into different schools. She can be a great source of information for you. There are many different places, people, social workers, therapists etc. that she has been through. The girl is in a certain school now (charaidi) that no one even heard about before. PLEASE contact me because my friend would be more than happy to help with lots of info.

Mommish

Mon, Feb 07 2011, 7:56 am

How about inviting him three times a week for supper? Bring it out, and the novelty of the secret will become history?

ITA with this! She is not hanging out with a boy for his MP4, but because he's a boy!!!! Invite him for shabbos. Get to know him. Teach him more about yiddishkeit. She will probably become bored with him once u show interest in him. Right now it sounds like Rome & Juliet chv's! Also make sure you talk to her about the kedusha of male/famale relationships so she understands what she's risking.

amother

Mon, Feb 07 2011, 9:30 am

ok so is the person for kavlenoar Sima Gordon?
Also I think a big sister person would be good - isramom8 can you tell me briefly why you think your girls would be matim? I am interested in finding her such a person.
peacemom I dont want to yet out myself by writing to you, but can you tell me which school your friend put her daughter? My dd wants to go to Beit Shulamit. Its a bit of a radical choice for us, but I did go look at the school with my husband and we met the menahel there. It looks like a well run school with a normal takanon, as opposed to the BY's "don't don't don't" takanons.
thanku Shevi for those numbers.
Freidasima thankyou for your offer to help. I am not sure if she really understadns the ramifications of her behaviour but we have been in constant discussion about this situation with her so I think she has some idea. I guess I should really speak to her about the pregnancy thing again - she does know the birds and the bees but I see I do have to remind her how dangerous this situation could be. Ugh.
You all have been a great amount of help, even if I didnt thankyou personally, I do appreciate your replying.

Isramom8

Mon, Feb 07 2011, 10:25 am

Be careful about Beit Shulamit. A few years ago a friend chose not to send her rebelling daughter there because it was pretty bad, according to her research, at that time. Just one women's opinion, and it was four or five years ago, but look into various options of schools. What abour Peninat Hachinuch?

My young married dd and my 18 year old dd grew up in a kiruv family in a mixed-religious city, but went to high school in Bnei Brak. They can relate to different kinds of people, and would understand where your dd is coming from, while yet gently directing her to the mainstrem Chareidi way of life. but they live/dorm way down in the south of EY. They do visit - we are in central Israel. Also, they have phones. Wink

BestMomBrooklyn

Mon, Feb 07 2011, 10:27 am

Be careful, amother, about saying NO to an idea that a few have approved of, above. perhaps, maybe an eency weency bit, your readiness to shun something out of the ordinary is intriguing your daughter to keep on pushing you.

amother

Mon, Feb 07 2011, 10:32 am

I am the amother whose daughter also was meeting a boy, and both sets of parents stopped it. We didn't invite the boy to dinner when our daughter was home, but we made it clear to her that we had nothing aginst him as a person *(although we said he was too modern for her upbringing), and we actually did invite him for a Shabbos meal when our daughter was not home (he didn't take us up on it). We told our daughter that our objection was not because of this boy but because the time was wrong for a relationship. And when she was ready for one as early as 17, we would find her a kosher one, as in a good shidduch.

yomomf

Mon, Feb 07 2011, 2:58 pm

To all the posters who said that this boy should be invited for dinner to remove the 'forbidden fruit' element, this is a very risky approach.
It may remove the thrill of it all, but it also may put a hechsher on something treif.
Especially in a chareidi home this can be a risk not worth taking.

Undefined

Mon, Feb 07 2011, 3:51 pm

I agree with those that said invite him over. The thrill of sneaking behind your back will be gone and he may not even seem so attractive to ger anymore. When I was younger I was in a coed school, and boys were not such a big deal, but my bais yaakov friends were obsessed with them, sneaking phone calls and meetings etc. Sometimes all of the restrictions causes rebellion. I'm not recommending she spend more time with guys, but maybe if you seemed more laid back ( fake it) about it and have him over she may not want to be with him so much. And yes other outlets are a must!

Isramom8

Mon, Feb 07 2011, 4:29 pm

Maybe if the couple is a known "thing" and serious, and 16 or 17 with an eye towards eventual marriage, it would be good to invite them to spend more time at your home rather than sneak around. But at 13, I'd think there is more of a chance of ending the whole parsha rather than accepting the "couple" as an item of fact.

amother

Mon, Feb 07 2011, 4:41 pm

op again:
isramom8 I have never heard of pninat hachinuch, where is it? who runs it?
As for inviting him...it aint gonna happen. I can't risk the 1% chance it will be the stamp of approval on a bad relationship. It will lead the way for my other kids to do the same thing. I dont think its a solution.

Ruchel

Mon, Feb 07 2011, 4:45 pm

Once upon a time Beit Shulamit was a great modern charedi school, nowadays from what ex students told me it's more for rebellious charedi girls. I was told the same about Peninat ha chinuch but less details.

She is 13 not a "young woman", barely a teenager even! Please keep that in mind. She is THIRTEEN. She needs love and guidance from FAMILY and mechanchim, not a way to have a kosher relationship! Had she been 17 or even maybe a very mature 15 yr old I would have said differently...

amother

Mon, Feb 07 2011, 4:51 pm

Ruchel wrote:

op here:
ruchel I agree with your 2nd paragraph, but your first is wrong.
I sat with the principle and toured the school. Unless you have talked to teachers and the principle you should not say that BS is a place for rebellious charedi girls. Before you basically say LH about a school make sure you have real correct and current info on it. Firstly the school is a mix of DL girls and a few charedi, so how could it be a place for rebellious charedi girls? It was never billed as a 'modern charedi' school so please don't mislead people with inaccurate info.