Brother's wedding WWYD??

CatLady

Mon, Feb 28 2011, 7:19 am

TBH, I wouldn't listen to Momzilla - maybe she needs a reminder that the groom is more than a fashion accessory for the bride on Her Special Daaaaayyyy! I'd be finding a mega-cute outfit for baby to wear (in duplicate, in case of "incidents"), and saving my pennies to rent a room for myself, the baby and the sitter.

BTW, as much as Momzilla might object to the presence of Babykins in theory, once she sees everyone kootchy-koo-ing and enjoying his adorable self, she'll warm up in a second and everything will be okay. I think she's going for an early-Martha-Stewart vibe of elegance, but even Martha's loosened up, so she will too. (Confession: The fruit carving station sounds awesome! I'd watch a fruit carving competition show on TLC or the Food Network.)

aidelmaidel

Mon, Feb 28 2011, 9:51 am

Can I ask a few questions for clarification?

Who is frum here and who is not? Is your whole side frum and your brother is no longer as frum as you are? Are you a BT and the rest of your family isn't frum? It does make a difference.

It sounds like there are some cultural differences here. I do think you should be allowed to bring your baby with you, but try to be dan lchaf zechus to this lady - see it her way.

She's from a different generation and probably didn't breastfeed her kids. In her mind she is thinking, "Why can't she just give her kid a bottle for once instead of bringing the kid and potentially ruining the wedding when it cries the whole time?" She likely is using this wedding to make up for the one she never had and wants it PERFECT. In her mind a crying baby will spoil it. (not saying your baby cries, but). If she lets YOU bring your baby then everyone who wasn't allowed to bring a baby will be upset and she probably doesn't want to spend the evening explaining to people. It could be that she sees all frum Yidden as leeches, parasites, dirty, etc. and has a preformed image in her mind that if she allows children they will make a mess. Most fancy secular weddings don't invite children. She doesn't necessarily have a problem with YOUR child in specific, she likely has a problem with ANY children in general.

IT COULD ALSO BE: that things are getting lost in translation like a game of telephone. Have you spoken to this woman directly? Try to dan lchaf zechus that things aren't coming across perfectly.

Since this lady is acting like a spoiled brat, I suggest you get her phone number and call her directly. First tell her mazel tov and congratulations and that you know it's a lot of work to make a wedding and your family is so grateful she is taking charge. (Butter her up). Second tell her that since the country club is so far from your home you WILL be bringing your baby who exclusively nurses with you. Tell her you will be bringing a babysitter along with you to the wedding to care for the baby. EMPHASIZE to her that you would like to keep your baby from disturbing things and so you need a place for the babysitter and baby to stay during the wedding. Ask her, "Where in the country club will they be able to stay?". Put it on her plate to give you a solution. Don't make it sound like a big deal, just as if you're asking for information. If she says leave him home, you can tell her that you don't want to miss a single minute of the beautiful wedding she is planning and that driving each way means you'll miss at least 2 hours of the wedding. If she stills says no ask about the rooms upstairs. If she still says no, ask her what she suggests to solve the problem. Don't be defiant with her, just be calm and stand your ground. If she doesn't like your solutions, then just keep turning back on her.

I would recommend role playing this a few times with a friend before actually calling her so you can rehearse how you would respond to different tones of voice from her and different responses.

My other suggestion is that you call the local chabad house/shluchim or orthodox shul and ask to speak to the Rebbetzin. Explain the situation and ask if you can leave your babysitter with baby in the shul. (I'm guessing the local shlucha would likely offer her own home, but each shlucha is different). If not, perhaps they can offer other local solutions. Perhaps there is an inexpensive hotel nearby where your whole family can rent a room and get dressed in, etc.

Hatzlacha! (and at least be happy you don't have to toivel the night of the wedding!)

Last edited by aidelmaidel on Mon, Feb 28 2011, 11:25 am; edited 1 time in total

IloveHashem613

Mon, Feb 28 2011, 10:54 am

OP- youve probably gotten enough advice to make your head dizzy. But I just wana say that aidel maidel has a very good way to approach this (one that I was thinking but she already spelled it out). You keep hearing things through people and the best thing to do is call her up and talk to her directly so there is no miscommunication. I also think just "showing up" at the wedding with a baby is a bad idea. Even if the mother in law is upset about it, at least she will know ahead of time that its happening and won't be caught off guard.
But IMO you should call her and first praise her, tell her thanks for all your help and planning etc... you know give her some compliments first. Then just make sure to emphasize that you are not looking to cause any problems, but leaving the baby home is just not an option for you and can we please think of an arrangment together where I can bring my baby to the wedding but you (the mother in law) feels comfortable that the baby won't be in the way or make a lot of noise. You just need to be very nice, calm and collected but very straightforward about the fact that you are bringing the baby to the wedding but you want to do it in a way that everyone is most comfortable (you and her included).... good luck!

Miri1

Mon, Feb 28 2011, 11:33 am

aidelmaidel wrote:

I agree that alot can be lost in the back and forth between the brother - may himself not fully understand OP situation, or who may be too intimidated to explain her side properly.

Barbara

Mon, Feb 28 2011, 1:32 pm

amother wrote:

I got a message from the bride that the baby wasn't to be present at the wedding . When they got engaged they mentioned no babies or kids. I assumed it didn't refer to me since I am immediate family. Not sure if this makes a difference that this isn't a frum wedding and that the MIL hates frum ppl.

You keep saying that its the MIL who doesn't want you to bring your baby to the wedding. But you also said earlier that the message was transmitted through your brother. IOW, YOUR BROTHER told you that the baby isn't welcome at the wedding. Now here, you mention that the kallah has also told you that babies aren't welcome at the wedding, and that you were told that when they got engaged.

I doubt this has to do with whether or not your MIL dislikes frum people, or you. Last I heard, non-frum people have babies, and nurse them as well. In fact, I'm not convinced that your brother and future SIL aren't making her into the bad guy, given that they themselves have apparently repeatedly told you no baby.

I know this sounds harsh, but it doesn't matter if this is right or wrong, if that's the way its done in some circles or no, or even if your own personal belief is that a nursling automatically gets to go wherever mom does (try telling that to employers). That's not what the chossen and kallah want. Its their wedding day, they told you no baby, you have no right to go against their wishes.

I don't blame you if you don't want to attend under those conditions. Send a lovely note to the chossen and kallah telling them that much as you'd love to come, you don't feel comfortable leaving the baby for such a long time. Mazel tov.

Tamiri

Mon, Feb 28 2011, 1:34 pm

OP, you have gotten some excellent responses. The bottom line is what every solely-breastfeeding mother knows: baby and mother cannot be separated for longer than the time between feedings. That's the long and the short of it. Being that you are not going to miss your brother's wedding, nor are you going to leave your nursing baby anywhere not within your immediate reach, the MIL (got that? not you. THE MIL) has two choices:

(1) Graciously offer you a room for your baby and babysitter
(2) Ungraciously not offer you anything.

I would like to know: has the MIL spoken to you directly? That means, has she called you and said "dear SIL-to-be's sister, I won't allow you to bring your baby to the wedding". If not, I would ignore any and all comments on the matter, as if they never happened. If your brother brings it up, ask him to have her call you.
If she HAS spoken to your directly, I would suggest you gird your loins, and have someone REALLY supportive holding your hand as you make THE CALL to the MIL. The call should probably be along the lines of the 2 options I noted above: *will you be able to accomodate my baby and babysitter and me for the wedding or *am I on my own to make it work having the baby there during the wedding, because not being there or not having the baby there aren't viable options.
Just realize, that with you bringing the baby to the wedding (there is no if and or but about it), you may not be on MIL's pleasant side for the foreseeable future and even beyond that. I hope you can deal with that LOL

realeez

Mon, Feb 28 2011, 1:47 pm

Chava Golar wrote:

I know I am the odd man out, but if the wedding is a while off perhaps you could train your baby (who you describe as easygoing) to drink expressed milk from a bottle or straw, or at least allow to be fed milk on a spoon. If I read corectly, he is 7 months old. He should even be eating some solids, which could tide him over if he refuses milk. Then you could have a really close friend or family member who he knows and likes stay with him. You come to the wedding late, leave a bit early and it is like a work day. You say that this is a non-frum wedding and obviously you are frum. I wonder if you wouldn't want to make as few waves as possible. By my brother's wedding, my sister purposely left the baby home because she said it was less stressful for her.

I don't think it's taking the odd bottle or not but how the baby will react left for so many hours especially since the mother will be a 1-hour drive away. I have a 16-month old still nursing baby who is happy to eat regular food and drinks milk, and while she is fine for 4-5 hours while I am at work, if I were one day away from her for 10 hours especially in the evening when she gets crankier, she would not be a happy camper. Plus, if I were a one-hour drive away, it would be hard to find a babysitter that I would be comfortable enough with too...(I reneged on a relative's bar mitzvah at the cottage once when I had an 18-month old who was specifically not invited while I was "allowed" to bring my infant since there was, at that point, no one I would be comfortable leaving him with being gone for many hours when it wouldn't be so easy for me to return home if necessary).

littles

Mon, Feb 28 2011, 3:50 pm

When I attended my non-frum ( I am a BT) brother and only sibling's wedding two years ago at an exclusive hotel in Beverly Hills, I was told that my children were not welcome at the wedding. I had a 2 year old and five month-old (exclusively nursing) baby at the time and we had to travel across the country to attend the wedding. The bride's family paid for the majority of the wedding as well and these people do not feel children should be seen or heard at these formal types of events. My own family, is unfortunately, very similar in this regard. I had never seen babies/children at weddings until I became frum. My mother was upset when several people that attended my wedding showed up with their babies Sad

What we did was have my husband stay with my kids and miss the wedding. He was there for the pictures as were my kids and then they went to the hotel room. I walked down the aisle, then left to nurse my baby. Then went to the party, ate my kosher meal, visited with family, then left to nurse my baby and I didn't come back. Was this an ideal situation? no, but I don't leave my kids with strangers and I didn't know any babysitters in the area. I felt horrible for my husband who had to pay for this expensive flight and mega-expensive hotel,and he was stuck in a hotel room the whole night. But we did it to keep family peace. My brother still holds it against my husband that he didn't come to his wedding and my parents weren't too happy about his either. Oh well.

I haven't found non-frum weddings to be fun since becoming frum anyways; there's not much I can eat besides my kosher meal, I won't dance there, so what is the fun? Showing up and supporting your brother should be all this is about, so if you are not there for the whole thing, I wouldn't sweat it. Maybe your DH can come for pics and go to a nearby motel and stay with your baby for a couple of hours while you do your part and then pick them up and go home?

I wouldn't start with his soon to be MIL, from my experience, he is going to side with her (she is paying most of it) and he probably doesn't want to start out on a bad note with her. Also, this is what he is used to and how it is done in these circles. I doubt talking to his future MIL will change her mind. It's these types of situations that make my family look down upon frum people. I wouldn't take the chance that this could have a negative effect on her views of frum people.

Miri1

Mon, Feb 28 2011, 7:45 pm

littles wrote:

This is very insightful. It helps to understand the mindset. To us it sounds ridiculous, but it could be a very real culture clash. In which case with all the explaining, they still may just not get it.

maofboys

Mon, Feb 28 2011, 9:23 pm

does your brother care if you bring the baby?
I never heard of such a thing how can anyone tell you what to do with your kid?? I would bring the baby and then play dumb later. you never spoke to her directly so I would say "oh I thought my brother suggested to get a babysitter at home if it was easier for me, but I couldn't find one" or say "don't worry the baby doesn't bother me he won't get in the way..." or jsut avoid her she is not your MIL. she has no right to tell you what to do.
I am s strong believer in kill them with kindness. put a big smile on your face and bring the baby, u could also say "he loves his uncle so much he didn't want to miss it " (yes I know he is only a few month old but your answer can be as rediculouse as her request).

imaima

Tue, Mar 01 2011, 1:14 am

maofboys wrote:

That's the way I would handle it, for sure.. She will think "Oh with those frummies I should have known better..." and move on.