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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Simcha Section
Raisin
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 Tue, Mar 01 2011, 1:56 am
| ariela wrote: | is it possible that the kallah or a nother close familymember (of the kallahs side) has chv´´ch major infertility issues, or just had an abortion? maybe someone is going through a VERY difficult stage in life and seing chidlre is painful. that is the ONLY explanantion I can think of.
I have never ever heared of weddings, where children /babies are forbidden. I only know of weddings WITH children. non frum families without kids even purposly invite frieds WITH kids sometimes, just to have kids there (cute pics etc...)
in any case, I were u I would be so insulted that I probably wouldnt go myself (but thats juts me, and it is a really nasty way to react, SO PLS DO GO:) ) |
I don't think it is becasue of that.
Littles, I can't help thinking your family would have been less upset if you would both have been at the weedding with your kids.
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shalhevet
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Tue, Mar 01 2011, 2:02 am
| ariela wrote: | is it possible that the kallah or a nother close familymember (of the kallahs side) has chv´´ch major infertility issues, or just had an abortion? maybe someone is going through a VERY difficult stage in life and seing chidlre is painful. that is the ONLY explanantion I can think of.
I have never ever heared of weddings, where children /babies are forbidden. I only know of weddings WITH children. non frum families without kids even purposly invite frieds WITH kids sometimes, just to have kids there (cute pics etc...)
in any case, I were u I would be so insulted that I probably wouldnt go myself (but thats juts me, and it is a really nasty way to react, SO PLS DO GO:) ) |
I really doubt you are right. Non-Jewish/ non-frum culture is completely different (at least outside Israel - in Israel I think there is much more tolerance/ love of children even among totally non-frum). You can have entire extended families without anyone under 18 (aging parents, one child married/ living with someone and waiting to have kids because she is only 30, and the other child unmarried). In some societies children are seen as a nuisance, rowdy, a burden. If you want the perfect "show" you want it planned to a T, and a baby crying is not in the script, certainly not a 2 year old running around. We simply cannot get it.
I think littles gave very good advice. I agree that there isn't much to do at a non-frum wedding anyway. I also think the advice to speak to the MIL/ kalla/ chosson is wrong - apart from the MIL these people have never been parents (and she probably sounds the type to have given a bottle immediately). I can even imagine myself at 18, from a small family, without much contact with little children (my cousins were older than me and weren't married yet or lived far away), not even "getting" why someone couldn't come without their baby. Even if I had vaguely heard of women nursing, I would have assumed they could just leave their baby with a sitter and a bottle (who had heard of engorgement, babies refusing to take bottles, or even mothers who just don't want to leave their babies?). And I was frum! These people are probably a zillion light years away from any kind of baby experience, don't know anyone who nursed, don't know anything about nursing, and it is like talking a different language.
Personally, I would just turn up with the baby (and without a sitter if you can't afford it). Get your photographs taken. If your bro's MIL says anything, just smile sweetly and assure her you were quite sure she didn't mean nursing babies. As people have said, it's your brother. If she says anything I would just offer to leave straight after the chuppa. What are you going to do there anyway? You were there to be there for your brother. Go over and say goodbye and mazel tov nicely to your parents, and see how they react. If need be, just leave. Probably someone will insist you stay, but if not, it's not so bad. This way you do it in an unaggressive way, but make clear that your needs and wishes also need respect.
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mummy-bh
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Tue, Mar 01 2011, 3:25 am
OP, what is your mother's opinion?
You have said that your parents are not paying for the wedding, but are they not permitted to invite any of your family's side at all?
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Apple pie
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Tue, Mar 01 2011, 6:25 am
I understand the "no kids at a wedding" mentality, "kids should not be seen/heard", (I don't agree, but I get it), What I don't get is why it's such a problem to have a babysitter in a different room.
Why should that bother anyone?!!!!  Please enlighten me!
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littles
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Tue, Mar 01 2011, 5:13 pm
| Quote: | | Littles, I can't help thinking your family would have been less upset if you would both have been at the weedding with your kids. |
Unfortunately, Raisin, my family and brother's in-laws feel exactly the same about children at a wedding. It doesn't matter whose children they are either. Children have their place, but for the most part are seen as disruptive and messy to these types of people and there presence is not welcome. Trust me, my family would have only been happy had I neglected my kids with a complete stranger and left bottles of formula for my daughter to eat. They had no compassion for my little children and that staying up for the pictures alone, being that they had only a day to adjust to a 3 hour time change, was rough enough on them.
I think it is terrible advice to just show up with your baby, OP, when your own brother has explicitly said children are not welcome at the wedding. Why would he say this to you if he was not directing this at your child? You also said this is your first child, so you cannot assume he meant your older kids and not your nursing infant.
Depending on your relationship with him, you can tell your brother your options and ask him which would be acceptable. I think only the most unreasonable person would not allow a babysitter to stay in the usually large bathroom area of a country club.
| Quote: | understand the "no kids at a wedding" mentality, "kids should not be seen/heard", (I don't agree, but I get it), What I don't get is why it's such a problem to have a babysitter in a different room.
Why should that bother anyone?!!!! Please enlighten me! |
TOTALLY AGREE!
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amother
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Tue, Mar 01 2011, 5:34 pm
OP here=
Wow! I haven't been online in a few days.... so many responses.
Here is the update. I spoke to bro's MIL . She won't have the baby there, she said she is spending alot of money and babies there will turn the wedding into a birthday party  She won't allow a babysitter at the location either (grrrr). She did suggest that I rent a room from a nearby hotel so that the babysitter and baby will be nearby. I think I will do what the poster with a similar situation suggested. DH will be at pictures and then will leave with the baby. I will leave after chuppah to feed him and maybe come back or not. Its upsetting and rediculous.
To the poster who asked. My brother was raised frum and is no longer. He is marrying a girl that was raised secular , so yes its possible there is a big social clash. I will mention that his MIL didn't want a kosher wedding (Not tasty, glamerous enough) and will only allow a small mechitza. There is a female entertainer who will be singing. She is very very insisant on getting her way all the time.
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realeez
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Tue, Mar 01 2011, 5:39 pm
| amother wrote: | OP here=
Wow! I haven't been online in a few days.... so many responses.
Here is the update. I spoke to bro's MIL . She won't have the baby there, she said she is spending alot of money and babies there will turn the wedding into a birthday party She won't allow a babysitter at the location either (grrrr). She did suggest that I rent a room from a nearby hotel so that the babysitter and baby will be nearby. I think I will do what the poster with a similar situation suggested. DH will be at pictures and then will leave with the baby. I will leave after chuppah to feed him and maybe come back or not. Its upsetting and rediculous.
To the poster who asked. My brother was raised frum and is no longer. He is marrying a girl that was raised secular , so yes its possible there is a big social clash. I will mention that his MIL didn't want a kosher wedding (Not tasty, glamerous enough) and will only allow a small mechitza. There is a female entertainer who will be singing. She is very very insisant on getting her way all the time. |
What a crummy situation Hugs!
Is your baby at least "allowed" to be there for your family pictures?
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runninglate
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Tue, Mar 01 2011, 5:43 pm
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if thats the case, I wld show up,wish everyone mazel tov and smile for some pics while family member watches baby in the bathroom and quietly leave. Doesnt sound like the type of affair youll enjoy too much anyway.
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saw50st8
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Tue, Mar 01 2011, 5:58 pm
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I'm sorry OP. Have you discussed this with your brother? At least mention to him how uninvolved you will have to be? He may care.
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amother
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Tue, Mar 01 2011, 6:19 pm
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Yes , my brother cares but doesn't really understand why I can't feed the baby formula-just this once. Besides he doesn't have much say.He was allowed to invite only 25 friends. He has many rules himself
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JC
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Tue, Mar 01 2011, 6:52 pm
| amother wrote: | | Yes , my brother cares but doesn't really understand why I can't feed the baby formula-just this once. Besides he doesn't have much say.He was allowed to invite only 25 friends. He has many rules himself |
I know this is snarky... but...
She better be one heck of a catch. Lets hope for your brothers sake that the apple fell far away from the tree and then rolled even further.
Sorry, I would not want to be put in your position. I would not leave my baby for as long as she expects. Renting a room might be a solution, but only if you can handle it financially. I hate when those who have money to spare forget that not everyone else can splurge like that. The cost of renting a room and a babysitter for the whole day and night can add up.
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shlomitsmum
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Tue, Mar 01 2011, 6:55 pm
| amother wrote: | OP here=
Wow! I haven't been online in a few days.... so many responses.
Here is the update. I spoke to bro's MIL . She won't have the baby there, she said she is spending alot of money and babies there will turn the wedding into a birthday party She won't allow a babysitter at the location either (grrrr). She did suggest that I rent a room from a nearby hotel so that the babysitter and baby will be nearby. I think I will do what the poster with a similar situation suggested. DH will be at pictures and then will leave with the baby. I will leave after chuppah to feed him and maybe come back or not. Its upsetting and rediculous.
To the poster who asked. My brother was raised frum and is no longer. He is marrying a girl that was raised secular , so yes its possible there is a big social clash. I will mention that his MIL didn't want a kosher wedding (Not tasty, glamerous enough) and will only allow a small mechitza. There is a female entertainer who will be singing. She is very very insisant on getting her way all the time. |
Yikes OP,
just go for pictures and then go home ,how sad you bro is marrying that.... I'm willing to bet she will tell her bffs about the "extremist side" possibly in front of you guys and possibly that she is bank rolling the affair  I was "zoche" to attend a friends wedding like this (babies are low class to these folk ) BTW , marriage lasted 2 years (B'H your bro's will do well) but MIL will be boss or close her purse...
monster in law sounds like a foaming at the mouth anti-frum "person" what bad middos!!!  ,she has no rachmanus for the poor baby or you , not nursing for hours hurts and can cause infecction or leaking !!
My kids scream for hours and will not take pacis or bottles....
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bakermom
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Tue, Mar 01 2011, 7:26 pm
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You have to be careful in dealing with the MIL. My sil had an argument with my mother a few days before my wedding about bringing kids to sheva brachos, and I'm still paying for it today, my relationship with my mother has never been the same.
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imaima
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Tue, Mar 01 2011, 9:27 pm
| amother wrote: | OP here=
Wow! I haven't been online in a few days.... so many responses.
Here is the update. I spoke to bro's MIL . She won't have the baby there, she said she is spending alot of money and babies there will turn the wedding into a birthday party She won't allow a babysitter at the location either (grrrr). She did suggest that I rent a room from a nearby hotel so that the babysitter and baby will be nearby. I think I will do what the poster with a similar situation suggested. DH will be at pictures and then will leave with the baby. I will leave after chuppah to feed him and maybe come back or not. Its upsetting and rediculous.
To the poster who asked. My brother was raised frum and is no longer. He is marrying a girl that was raised secular , so yes its possible there is a big social clash. I will mention that his MIL didn't want a kosher wedding (Not tasty, glamerous enough) and will only allow a small mechitza. There is a female entertainer who will be singing. She is very very insisant on getting her way all the time. |
how about SHE rents a room for you, if she is so rich? Such a chutzpah!
I would reconsider this marriage though... It looks like her priorities only revolve around her - does your brother really want to be a part of this family?
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opinionatedbubby
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Tue, Mar 01 2011, 10:00 pm
Where's your mom? She's the one to confront her mechutanim about this and stick up for you. If there are already many areas of conflict, as there usually are, this will be just one more; if this is the only
" problem", they should all consider themselves fortunate. The other side should give in.
Can't your mom insist that she wants her ainikele in the pictures? Doesn't she? Don't you? Your brother? This is just another example of how anti-child some segments of our society are becoming. It's really sad.
I think if it were me , I'd just show up with the baby and a babysitter and find a space for them to hang out, and just pretend I misunderstood or something. What could they do? I can't imagine why everyone, including you, thinks that because the other side is paying more, they call all the shots. Good luck! And mazel tov.
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BeershevaBubby
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Tue, Mar 01 2011, 10:04 pm
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I was going to also ask why your parents aren't advocating more for your child to be there.
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Shalshelet
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Tue, Mar 01 2011, 10:36 pm
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I did not read through the 5 pages of responses, but I am wondering if anyone already suggested trying to find a babysitter that lives closer to the hall. That is my first suggestion. Also, are there any hotels that they are using nearby to host all the guests? (I'd imagine they'd do such on the type of budget they have). Maybe you can have someone watch her there if it is not too far?
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BeershevaBubby
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Tue, Mar 01 2011, 10:38 pm
| Shalshelet wrote: | | I did not read through the 5 pages of responses, but I am wondering if anyone already suggested trying to find a babysitter that lives closer to the hall. That is my first suggestion. Also, are there any hotels that they are using nearby to host all the guests? (I'd imagine they'd do such on the type of budget they have). Maybe you can have someone watch her there if it is not too far? |
No offense, but next time, read the entire thread. Almost all of your questions were asked and answered.
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shabri
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Tue, Mar 01 2011, 10:48 pm
op,
I feel bad for you, but maybe this is a blessing in disguise. If this wedding will be a place where your Dh does not want to be spending his time, then maybe the baby/babysitter debacle is the best excuse. He comes for pics, maybe the chuppah and then leaves to be with the baby.
I know that its less than ideal, but in this situation, my DH would be looking for any and all excuses to get out of there.
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DrMom
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Tue, Mar 01 2011, 11:52 pm
I would probably show up at the chuppah (babysitter in the lobby or in another area of the country club -- organize it w/the country club and bypass the MIL entirely) and then leave.
After all this nonsense, I would have great difficulty enjoying myself even if I found a way to have a sitter present. I would not want to be present at a simcha hosted by someone who is openly hostile to me and my lifestyle, and who takes it out on my infant.
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