Desperately Need Help!!!!

amother

Sun, Mar 06 2011, 9:56 pm

I plan on going to speak with the principal at my daughter's school unless I get advice convincing me that this would be the wrong thing to do. Here's the situation:

My daughter is friends with another girl. They are both 14. The other girl has an older daughter that is 16 who my daughter has also been friendly with since she is over at the other girl's house alot and they go on the bus together. I should say that our families are very frum although the friend's family doesn't speak English as they moved here from Israel. The following are some examples of things that happened with the 16 year old girl who we'll call B:

1-B curses regularly using the F word with my daughter
2-B purposely gave treife gum (she admitted that it was treif when my daughter took it away) to my kindergartner.
3-She has been telling lots of se*ually explicit jokes to my daughter
4-She said she would like to marry a [gentile]
5-She asked my daughter to convert to xtianity with her and cursed her when my daughter told her no.
6-She came over to borrow the phone (I don't think there was anything wrong with hers)which is next to our computer. My dh was working at the computer with the phone right next to him. There was no space to get to the phone without leaning over my dh (literally, I don't mean just his hand). So instead of waiting for him to move that's exactly what she did. My dh jumped out of his seat and as soon as he left suddenly it seemed she had no phone call to make (she muttered about three words and hung up and left).
7-She has been allowing my very young children to listen to her ipod to her non-Jewish music and to watch movies on the way home from school.

I think she's mentally unbalanced and I don't want her around my children or my family especially on the bus. She already has one or two not frum siblings that don't live at home. I don't trust her parents to take care of the problem. Is it correct that I go speak to the principal? Btw, the principal loves her as she looks like an innocent goody goody sweet BY girl.

amother

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 6:46 am

amother wrote:

What is your concern exactly? Your daughters friend has a rebellious otd 16 yr old sister- if your daughters not rebellious then she would see why you request she doesn't hang out with the older sister - only with her own friend. And how would "tattling" to the school help your daughter - besides for causing her friends family more grief?

This girl is around my children all the time. When my younger kids have recess she goes over to them, gives them treife gum as I said, she is exposing them to bad language, movies, music. She is on the bus with them. I don't know if her family is aware or not but nobody is doing anything. I cannot have this continue on. She is at the point of running after my dh now chas v'shalom and all the things I wrote about, so I can't just keep my oldest away from her. So what exactly would the problem be with letting the principal know what's going on?

shosh

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 6:57 am

I think the principal should know what's going on from the point of view that everyone needs help in this story:
The girl herself
Her family - perhaps her parents can't cope with her. Being an immigrant can be very hard, esp for a teen. Perhaps she never wanted to leave Israel. Perhaps she couldn't handle the transition. We had friends where the dd moved to England from Israel at age 14 and she was miserable. She wasn't frum to start with, but the kids she hung out with were awful dropouts. The parents might not know what to do with her or who to turn to.
You and your family, for all the reasons you have given.

The principal might have some good ideas for all of you.

Good luck - sounds like a tough situation.

Tamiri

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 7:04 am

I'm the one who says: the onus is upon YOU, as your children's mother, to teach them to stay away from bad influences. I'm not a frummie, I grew up MO and was "exposed to the elements" more than frummies are, but when my mother or father said "you don't go there/eat there/play there on Shabbat" or anything like that - we didn't! Plain and simple: what mom and dad said was the rule. So rather than stir up trouble, just inform your children they are to have NOTHING to do with that girl (I don't even know what the question is here) and tell the girl that she is to go nowhere near your children, or else. Very simple, I think.

granolamom

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 10:02 am

this kid is literally screaming out for help. I have no idea what the 'right' thing to do is, but I do think you should say something to someone you trust to have this child's best interest at heart.
and what does your dd think of B's behavior? if she recognizes it as inappropriate, a quick reminder stay away should be enough. and probably you dont want her going over there, better to host the younger sister at your house.

superjew

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 10:11 am

Tamiri wrote:

Thats you. But I wasn't like that. Of course I listened to them but I had great resentment toward them and as I grew up rebelled against their wishes & befriended this girl anyway....
Your DD sounds pretty smart (taking away the gum, and responding no to this girls request to convert)

I think something has to be done with this girl. She is SCREAMING for help & she needs it.
I'm not sure who but someone should talk to her & perhaps send her for some help....
Sorry I dont have good advice with that but lots of luck to you!

amother

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 10:26 am

My dh feels that the parents should first be given the opportunity to take care of the problems with B. I do speak Hebrew, but I'm worried about how that conversation might go so I've decided to instead speak to B's married older sister. Maybe she would be best since she knows the parents better than me. If after this the problems continue, at that point, I will go to the principal.

superjew

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 10:31 am

amother wrote:

amother

Mon, May 16 2011, 6:21 pm

LisaS wrote:

Regarding the issues that are occuring on school grounds I think you should speak with the principal. Maybe it isn't only your kids she is hanging out with but others too.

OP here. I've been thinking about what you wrote here for a long time and didn't answer because I've been at a loss as to what I should do. Being that this girl already has at least two or three siblings that are OTD, I don't see how speaking to the parents or sister will help. My daughter has also been confiding in me alot lately because the younger sister has broken off her friendship with my daughter hoping that will be enough for me to drop the whole thing because now my daugher is no longer involved with them. However, some of the stories my daughter has been repeating to me are so disturbing, some very very graphic s*xual stories/jokes. I don't know if this is from the girl's own experience or from watching [filth]. A friend warned me that if someone curses your or makes an ayin hara, or just has a grudge against you then it can be very bad for you. I'm trying to find out more about that and in the meantime I haven't done anything. I'm thinking of waiting until the end of the year so that this girl won't put 2 and 2 together and realize if the school won't take her back, who is behind it all. Not that I'm afraid of her at all, I'm definitely not, but I don't need any curses.

mummiedearest

Mon, May 16 2011, 6:33 pm

op,
many rabbanim will say to kick a wayward child out of the home only if s/he is influencing the other children. same with a school. if you feel this girl is a bad influence on your kids, the school MUST be told about this. yes, the girl needs help. you can't give it to her. the school can give her an ultimatum: shape up or ship out. they can get their own psak as to what to do with her. please speak to the principal.

amother

Tue, May 17 2011, 11:08 am

Why don't you ask your rav before getting a child who needs desprate help kicked out of school? b"h your daughter isnt friends with her any more and maybe even knows better than to keep that sort of friend. I doubt she brings inappropriate videos to school. If you are concerned try to get teen rebellion ravs involved with the girls family. Maybe the parents just need some good help to deal with their kids. Maybe their shul rav can approach them saying he heard some stuff around and wondered how he can help.

marina

Tue, May 17 2011, 11:44 am

Quote:

However, some of the stories my daughter has been repeating to me are so disturbing, some very very graphic s*xual stories/jokes. I don't know if this is from the girl's own experience or from watching [filth]

or from being molested.

Think about that OP. This girl could easily be a victim and now she's being thrown out of school and all the mommies won't let her be around their kinderlach.

It's not a simple situation. If you really have reason to believe she could harm your children, obviously keep them away. But your post comes across as very harsh and judgmental. Maybe have a little sympathy, who knows what this girl has been through.

StrawberrySmoothie

Tue, May 17 2011, 11:48 am

Listen, I am all for helping people. Especially teens in great need. BUT, OP your kids and your family comes FIRST. You know how on the airplane they tell you to secure your own masks before anyone else in case of an emergency. Well, this is an emergency. And you have an obligation to make sure your own family is breathing and ok before anyone else.

I agree with Tamiri. Set some very strong rules for your kids. By strong I mean, non-negotiable. They should know they are not allowed to have anything to do with this girl at all.

Then once your own family is taken care, speak to the principal about what the girl is doing on school grounds. And maybe the girl's familys Rav about the rest.

Good luck!!

miki007

Tue, May 17 2011, 11:56 am

marina wrote:

Quote:

precisely my thoughts