Wedding and interesting family scenario--Need advice please

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miami85

Mon, Mar 14 2011, 7:12 pm

A bit of background, please read this without being judgemental: My husband's adopted brother is getting married Memorial Day weekend. Halachically he's not jewish, and his fiancee' isnt jewish either, but they are having a "jewish" wedding . Most of my husband's family isn't frum but rather traditional conservative and their "rabbi" is performing the ceremony--Whatever--that's not the issue. Through unfortunate circumstances, my husband's grandmother and myself are the only females on my husband's side, and I'm the only religious one.
The big question I have is--WHAT DO I WEAR???
I have met my future sister-in-law a few times, dont have much shaychus to her yet and future SIL and BIL are living out of town and not really coming to NY until the wedding (in NY). I have tried broaching the subject w/my husband--but of course he's cluless about this subject (weddings, women's clothes, the big deal they tend to make etc.)in general, and he's not super-close with his "brother".
I'm not really familiar with non-frum weddings (thought maybe someone here may have experience), am I considered part of the bridal party? Am I supposed to find out the "colors?"
The wedding is supposed to be on the small side (compared to normal Jewish weddings) in a fancy country club.
Anyone have any idea what I should do? Especially b/c it will be spring/summer, I dont think I can get away with my black chasuna outfit, and I dont think I can just get a gown from a gemach. I also just had a baby recently, so I'm a little body-conscious, and will probably still be nursing at that point (I hope)

mummiedearest

Mon, Mar 14 2011, 7:24 pm

interesting scenario. don't wear black, that's for funerals. you are not included in the bridal party unless you are asked. do not get one of those sibling gowns.

you could wear something like this with a long sleeved shell underneath:

http://www.chadwicks.com/chadw.....nDate

or this:

http://www.chadwicks.com/chadw.....nDate

I'm not sure your style, but I imagine the first is too bright if you generally wear black to weddings. wear a shabbos outfit, as opposed to a "wedding" outfit.

sequoia

Mon, Mar 14 2011, 7:28 pm

Wear warm colors.

imasinger

Mon, Mar 14 2011, 7:34 pm

I find that what I might wear on Shabbos would be considered fine enough for a wedding in a non-frum setting. Do you have any pastels? Also, you probably don't have to forgo black entirely; just mix it up some (e.g. black skirt and colored top/jacket).

If they haven't asked you to be in the wedding party, then you're not, and don't have to worry about colors.

Barbara

Mon, Mar 14 2011, 7:39 pm

Wear a dress. Black is traditionally problematic, but much more accepted these days.

http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/el.....=3492

http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/ka.....=5664

http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/ad.....=1982

Chocoholic

Mon, Mar 14 2011, 7:42 pm

miami85 wrote:

This is not to judge you at all, but, are you sure he didn't have an orthodox conversion at adoption? I know of a lot of irreligeous and also reform families that will have their babies get an orthodox conversion at adoption... Which could complicate things a lot...

If not, wear a nice shabbos outfit, but not black or white, warm colors as someone above me said..
Or something along these lines with a shell underneath.. http://www1.macys.com/catalog/.....3D679

Mon, Mar 14 2011, 7:55 pm

I would not generalize about the style of frum vs. non-frum Jewish weddings. Some traditional-but-not-Orthodox weddings are lavish, others are not.

The style of the invitation is a good guide as to the fancy-ness of the event. If there is an inner envelope, tissue paper, elegant italic script, and an overall dressy "look" to the invitation, wear your regular wedding outfit (assuming that it is considered fancy/dressy/elegant). If there are fewer flourishes to the invitation, wear a nice Shabbat outfit. A Saturday-night country club event may be black-tie optional (which means dressy wedding-wear for women) - once again, usually indicated on the invitation. The time of day is also a consideration - daytime weddings are usually less formal than evening events.

If you were in the bridal party, you would have been asked/informed by now. Don't worry about the official colors.

Black is not restricted to funerals - I think that's a non-Jewish custom. However, among less-traditional folks, black is not typical as it is among certain religious groups (especially in the spring), so you might not blend in with the crowd, which may or may not bother you.

Of course, if you have recently given birth, just wear whatever fits and feels comfortable.

Hope that helps!

CatLady

Mon, Mar 14 2011, 8:12 pm

Usually, short dresses are worn at daytime weddings and long dresses at night, unless it's a cocktail dress, which can be short. But please do not wear a halter dress with a shell underneath it. In a traditional crowd, it will not look "proper", and you'll stand out for the wrong reasons. You can find a sheath dress with jacket that will cover you up and make you look stylish and contemporary. The other rule is not to wear white, because it detracts from the bride.

out of town rebbitzen

Mon, Mar 14 2011, 8:31 pm

Wow! Hatzlacha Rabba! This could be a way for you to "bond" with your future sil--why don't you ask her if there are any colors she would like you to wear. Using the invitation as a guide is a good idea, but it sounds like you want to find something to wear before it comes. You could try a 'mother of the bride' 2 piece outfit. Also helpful if you're nursing. Is there a color you really like? This is your big chance to wear something "unblack". It also sounds like there will be a lot of issues to work through here, and I wish you all the best.

Mon, Mar 14 2011, 8:32 pm

CatLady wrote:

But please do not wear a halter dress with a shell underneath it.

Yes, I could not agree more! The skimpy-dress-over-a-skin-tight-shirt look is limited to very specific Jewish populations - it definitely would not do. A dressy suit or a sheath with a jacket (or other type of top layer) is much, much more appropriate.

Mommy3.5

Mon, Mar 14 2011, 9:05 pm

Ask FSIL if there is a color scheme, and if you should wear a gown or regular dress, all the rest isn't an issue at all once you have already decided to go to the wedding.

miami85

Mon, Mar 14 2011, 10:59 pm

That's the thing, I dont have her phone #. I don't know how weddings work outside the frum circle. The wedding will be catered by a kosher caterer, so the food wont be a problem.

bubby

Mon, Mar 14 2011, 11:28 pm

Maybe something floaty in muted colors...a dress with a shrug or shell? It's summer, it'll be hot (we hope!) so get something cool. Don't forget comfy shoes, people always buy these strappy sandals that cripple if you dance!

Have fun, don't sweat it (literally or figuratively.)

Mommy3.5

Tue, Mar 15 2011, 12:02 am

miami85 wrote:

That's the thing, I dont have her phone #. I don't know how weddings work outside the frum circle. The wedding will be catered by a kosher caterer, so the food wont be a problem.

Get it from BIL/ Everything else is not an issue, you just need to ask the question, that is all.

Pizza

Tue, Mar 15 2011, 3:11 am

shabbos clothes should be FINE. something on the fancier side, try to avoid a suit.
dont worry about shoes re: dancing, b/c it wont be the dancing you are used to, and it will be mixed
(there may be one hora)

saw50st8

Tue, Mar 15 2011, 8:45 am

You guys need to do my shopping!

Mummiedearest, I love that purple dress...debating buying it, but dresses rarely fit me...

Hashemlovesme

Tue, Mar 15 2011, 9:19 am

http://www.lightinthebox.com/A......html

CatLady

Tue, Mar 15 2011, 9:26 am

^ Yes! With this wrap! And this bag!

suzyq

Tue, Mar 15 2011, 9:28 am

Someone else mentioned this, but a lot of the time you can predict what you should wear by what time the wedding is being held. Afternoon weddings are much less formal than evening ones. If it's in the afternoon, and you mentioned that it's a small wedding, you can probably get away with a nice Shabbos outfit. I would suggest some kind of pastel colors since it will be at the end of May (now is a great time to find those kind of outfits). Maybe a skirt/jacket outfit in nice pastel colors.

If it's an evening wedding, then black is ok. Don't go over the top fancy, no ball gown skirts or anything like that, but if you have a nice black dress, you can pair it with a fancy blouse underneath.

I agree with the other posters that if you haven't been specifically asked about being in the wedding party, then you don't need to worry about it, or about any particular color to wear.

Good luck and enjoy the wedding!

MiamiMommy

Tue, Mar 15 2011, 9:36 am

You don't need to ask about the colors. Unless you were asked to be in the bridal party, you can wear any color that you want. If you call to ask if there is any specific color your future SIL wants you to wear, she may think you're hinting about being in the bridal party. . .which could be uncomfortable. . .

If the wedding is at night you could wear your black outfit, as a lot of women will be wearing black.

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