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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances

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shoshina

Fri, Mar 18 2011, 12:15 pm

Hi all,

I got the idea for this thread reading the one about what everyone would buy for themselves if they had more money. We recently moved into the same town as my SIL who is living very frugally at the moment because her DH is desperately underemployed and she has TWO new babies!!
DH is hesitant to straight up write them checks, because she's not especially good with money, and I don't want them to think that we think they're the family nebachs. I am a very doting Tante and have bought tons of things for the babies (which I love doing! They're so much fun to spoil B'H they'll have cousins soon!) but I am trying to think of ways to make her feel like her life is less frugal. Since the babies, I've sent a bouquet of flowers for her Shabbos table every week...but I thought I'd throw it out to imamother

If someone could do something/buy something for you what would you want it to be?

amother

Fri, Mar 18 2011, 12:37 pm

A magazine subscription? Maybe cheaper than the flowers.

superjew

Fri, Mar 18 2011, 12:41 pm

A gift card to a spa or salon

Sunflower

Fri, Mar 18 2011, 1:53 pm

this is very thoughtful of you.

buying things for the baby must b a huge help.
the flower idea is nice, but if they are really struggling, the money might be better spent somewhere else.

pay for cleaning help?
send over "extra groceries"?
it really depends what you want to spend, and what she would appreciate. can u give us more details?

suzyq

Fri, Mar 18 2011, 2:00 pm

I agree with Sunflower's idea of extra groceries - buy them non-perishable staples so even if they've bought them themselves, the food will get used.

Another really nice idea might be to offer to babysit for them for free so they can out as a couple and enjoy time together.

amother

Fri, Mar 18 2011, 2:16 pm

or send nice meals for their freezzer to be taken out as needed! things like meat that she might not normally buy or stuff for shabbos.

amother

Fri, Mar 18 2011, 2:39 pm

Soneh Matanos Yichiyeh

life'sgreat

Fri, Mar 18 2011, 2:44 pm

amother wrote:

Soneh Matanos Yichiyeh

WTH? Seriously?

OP, I think it's wonderful what you're doing. Have you thought of somehow asking her if there's anything you can help her with? Giving her flowers is sweet, but it's a luxury which doesn't make her feel that she's living less frugally. There might be something she's really pining for that could make a big difference in her life.

miki007

Fri, Mar 18 2011, 2:52 pm

amother wrote:

Soneh Matanos Yichiyeh

true, just because someone hates presents it's no reason to kill them. they have the right to live too!

shoshina

Fri, Mar 18 2011, 3:00 pm

I was thinking of sending our cleaning service to do her house before Pesach. The trouble is finding things to do that do not seem to say obviously that we're in better financial shape because we're close in age and I'm worried about making it seem like I'm rubbing it in. I love the food idea, but their freezer is full of frozen dinners I made after the babies arrived. I do babysit for them for free (good practice for my own B'H!)

I think the magazine subscription would be a good idea since I always bring mine over to her when I'm done and it's almost always cheaper to buy a second subscription...I just want to find a way to make her life look more like the one she thought she would have when she was a kallah...now she has her beautiful babies and her husband but I know she dreamed of a house and a certain way of life...

imabima

Fri, Mar 18 2011, 3:57 pm

amother wrote:

Soneh Matanos Yichiyeh

Translation?

life'sgreat

Fri, Mar 18 2011, 4:36 pm

imabima wrote:

amother wrote:

Soneh Matanos Yichiyeh

Translation?

Those who despise (hate?) gifts, will live long.

amother

Fri, Mar 18 2011, 4:49 pm

shoshina wrote:

the basics:

DIAPERS

all members of the household could use:
food, (baby food, formula, drinks, meals)
clothing, (baby and adult, including underwear, socks, outerwear)

shelter, (rent/mortgage or a place to stay)
utilities (heating, electric)

after the basics:
baby swing
stroller
more linen for adults and baby
pack n play
toys

shanie5

Fri, Mar 18 2011, 5:10 pm

If she has what she needs to survive, and u want to give her extra, then:

an expensive cut of meat
a gift certificate to a restaurant or clothing store.

life'sgreat

Fri, Mar 18 2011, 5:20 pm

I just want to point out that while it's wonderful and really selfless of the OP to be so giving, sometimes giving doesn't help the recipient if it's something she doesn't need or want, or would rather have x or y. I've seen so many people that are willing to give, but only on their terms or what they deem as important or interesting and fun. If that happens, the receiving becomes a burden instead of the help it could be.

elmos

Mon, Mar 21 2011, 12:04 am

I understand the not wanting to give money to them direct but what about a credit paying the grocery they shop in or a gift card to were your sil likes to shop so you have some control but not full personally from expierence with a certain case we found paying the butcher or grocer in advance or having a standing order deliv. to the family was a big help and meant it went to good use not frivolous extras

Raizle

Mon, Mar 21 2011, 12:16 am

amother wrote:

Soneh Matanos Yichiyeh

the first thing I was going to say when reading this is ARE YOU NORMAL?????

then I figured you probably haven't even read the thread and are only reading the title.
READ THE THREAD
she is asking how to help someone in need.
Your posuk is totally out of place

shoshina

Mon, Mar 21 2011, 9:25 am

OP here

I LOVE the idea of having good cuts of meat delivered...good kosher meat can be a little thin on the ground and its always expensive.

The other difficult part of the question is how do you do these things in a way to keep it from seeming condescending or like you consider it charity? When I sent my cleaning lady over, I told SIL that I had paid for X hours for Pesach for my house anyway, and it just hadn't taken that long. I'm afraid if I give grocery gift cards it will seem like I'm saying "you are poor and we're helping you" when really what I'm trying to say is "You have two beautiful new babies and suddenly the budget is tight, how can I make that transition easier?"

LisaS

Mon, Mar 21 2011, 9:34 am

OP you are so thoughtful and generous!!!

shatzileh

Tue, Mar 22 2011, 12:46 pm

Firstly - this is SO NICE - one of the nicest things I've heard anyone doing. And, not only is the idea great, but your thoughtfulness into its execution is wonderful. Hashem should help you in this and other endeavors.

Have you considered giving money through different channels? Ie if they're getting money through their parents, can you approach them and discuss with them, so no one will know it's from you?

You can bake doubles of cakes/cookies for Shabbos, and tell her you had extra batter/cookies and you decided to send over/didn't want it to get stale.

Everyone has different types of things they'd like. Maybe she wants exotic spices to cook with - you can 'accidentally buy two and didn't realize until it was too late to return.' Or, gift certificate to a restaurant that you 'got as a present and can't return, and we hate that place.' Or, if you know she has a running tab at any stores/groceries you can pay off a little of it. I still love the babysitting idea Smile

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