Inviting to shower is it assummed invite to whole wedding

amother

Sun, May 15 2011, 10:58 am

Sister is getting married this summer I am working on her shower she b"h / k"h has many friends bet seminary camp highschool etc... no way for my parents to invite them all for whole thing many will be simchas chasan vkallah the question is can we invite all her friends to her shower or is that wrong. I ask cause many friends being invited for whole are out of town so they prob cant make shower and we want her to have a nice shower.

So what do you say??TIA

Sherri

Sun, May 15 2011, 11:09 am

In my circles the people invited to the shower were the ones invited to the whole wedding. I never heard otherwise- usually there's gift-giving at the shower and that is from those close to the bride.

If you want more people, invite relatives, etc, not just friends.

DrMom

Sun, May 15 2011, 11:31 am

I would only invite someone to a shower who will also be invited to the wedding. Bt you don't have to invite all wedding invitees to the shower, AFAIK.

We have a tradition to invite people to the sheva brachot who were not invited to the wedding (people you know, but maybe not well enough to invite to the wedding).

Barbara

Sun, May 15 2011, 11:56 am

Lady Godiva wrote:

It's tacky to invite somebody to the shower and expect a gift when she is not invited to the entire wedding.

Right. Its like saying *we'd like a present from you, but we don't think enough of you to actually invite you to the wedding*

amother

Sun, May 15 2011, 12:50 pm

On the one hand, it is tacky. OTOH, one never knows. I was invited to the whole chasuna for a friend's daughter. She's marrying off another very soon after the first and I was only invited for the chuppa for this one. I really don't know all the details, maybe the chosson and kallah are paying for a lot of it, I really don't know.

I'm not answering for this particular situation but just saying that if it ever happens to you, be dan lekaf zechus, be warm and congratulatory and thankful for another bayis neeman under construction. We need them!

amother

Sun, May 15 2011, 1:06 pm

I agree that it's tacky. Unless it's something normally done in your circles.
I find inviting guests to a chuppah but not to stay for the meal is quite tacky as well, yet I've seen it done many times. It's normal for some circles.

PinkFridge

Sun, May 15 2011, 1:22 pm

amother wrote:

I find inviting guests to a chuppah but not to stay for the meal is quite tacky as well, yet I've seen it done many times. It's normal for some circles.

Do you mean in general? Because I certainly don't. Especially if the hall is close enough that people could easily come back later for dancing.
I give you a sincere bracha that when you make your kids' chasunos (to wonderful young men and women) you have the means to invite everyone, from both sides, to the whole thing.

Raisin

Sun, May 15 2011, 1:31 pm

I don't think it is tacky to invite to dancing etc, especially in close communities where people have many friends and less money. (and lots of kids to make weddings for bh)

I'm pretty sure as a single girl I gave people gifts whose entire wedding I was not invited to.

In certain circles this might be not done.

maze

Sun, May 15 2011, 5:39 pm

This always bothered me. It shows such a lack of middos and derech eretz. How could you expect someone to pay a gift, and then not invite them to the whole wedding. It's the mentality of a taker. The same goes for girls who get married early and are the recipient of gifts from everyone; but when their friends get married they have a few kids, have no money and don't repay. If you know you won't be able to repay a gift, don't accept the shower presents to begin with. We asked our Rav about this, and he said whatever you get as a gift you must return.

PinkFridge

Sun, May 15 2011, 7:22 pm

maze wrote:

Should girls/young marrieds put aside money for their friends who might get married ten years later, friends whose PARENTS might have chipped in or paid for the earlier gift?
Sonei matanos yichye is admirable but I can't judge people who don't play by the rules of some of the posters here. Sure, you may know particular people who are takers, not givers, but this isn't always the case.

I know a community that has an institution called the community shower. A few dozen women pay a certain amount, someone buys gifts from that total. There are women who participate purely out of hachnasas kallah, even for kallahs they don't know well. Those kallahs - and their parents - just pay it forward, and hope for an opportunity to repay the chessed.

chocolate moose

Sun, May 15 2011, 7:49 pm

In Crown Heights most people just give one gift for the wedding, whether or not there is a shower. Really, showers are only given for the most needy kallahs.

If you want to include friends but don't want to ask for a gift, invite them to sheva brachos. At least for the shabbos kallah !

Lady Godiva

Sun, May 15 2011, 7:53 pm

maze wrote:

The same goes for girls who get married early and are the recipient of gifts from everyone; but when their friends get married they have a few kids, have no money and don't repay. If you know you won't be able to repay a gift, don't accept the shower presents to begin with.

How does one know that she will not be able to repay a gift years later? Confused

egam

Sun, May 15 2011, 8:04 pm

Barbara wrote:

Lady Godiva wrote:

It's tacky to invite somebody to the shower and expect a gift when she is not invited to the entire wedding.

Right. Its like saying *we'd like a present from you, but we don't think enough of you to actually invite you to the wedding*

This happened to me once. I felt used.

amother

Sun, May 15 2011, 8:37 pm

maze wrote:

Our 12th grade class foresaw this problem. Our solution? We each chipped in $350 to the class shower fund ($10 for each classmates bridal shower.)
Of course each kallah's immediate friends and family chipped in as usual besides for this.

amother

Sun, May 15 2011, 8:38 pm

maze wrote:

Our 12th grade class foresaw this problem. Our solution? We each chipped in $350 to the class shower fund ($10 for each classmates bridal shower.) BEFORE we graduated.
Of course each kallah's immediate friends and family chipped in as usual besides for this, when the time came.

amother

Sun, May 15 2011, 8:58 pm

new amother here
sorry for going off topic but would it shock you all that here in Australia we don't have showers?
gifts are given for the wedding, if you are invited you give a gift.
so what exactly are these showers supposed to be about? do you give 2 gifts? or is the one you give at the shower also for the wedding?

de_goldy

Sun, May 15 2011, 9:58 pm

maze wrote:

I cannot understand this Rav's logic. A gift, by definition, is NOT something that has to be repaid.