Inviting to shower is it assummed invite to whole wedding

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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de_goldy

Sun, May 15 2011, 10:05 pm

chocolate moose wrote:

Really, showers are only given for the most needy kallahs.

This is not true at all. A shower is a nice way for the Kallahs friends to make her a party, buy her gifts. I'm sure for a more needy kallah the shower is more important, but almost all girls have a shower.

mominlkwd

Sun, May 15 2011, 10:10 pm

maze wrote:

This always bothered me. It shows such a lack of middos and derech eretz. How could you expect someone to pay a gift, and then not invite them to the whole wedding. It's the mentality of a taker. The same goes for girls who get married early and are the recipient of gifts from everyone; but when their friends get married they have a few kids, have no money and don't repay. If you know you won't be able to repay a gift, don't accept the shower presents to begin with. We asked our Rav about this, and he said whatever you get as a gift you must return.

I seem to be in the minority here but I agree with you wholeheartedly. I did not invite anyone to my wedding for just the chupah. Everyone was invited for the whole thing, my parents wouldn't even hear of inviting for 1/2. They felt that was saying to some people "you are not a good enough friend for me to pay for your meal but they are". We were far from wealthy (and I mean faaaaaaaaarr) but that's what they did. They didn't want anyone to feel inferior to another person.

sarahd

Mon, May 16 2011, 4:36 am

egam wrote:

Barbara wrote:

Lady Godiva wrote:

It's tacky to invite somebody to the shower and expect a gift when she is not invited to the entire wedding.

Right. Its like saying *we'd like a present from you, but we don't think enough of you to actually invite you to the wedding*

This happened to me once. I felt used.

Ditto.

Raisin

Mon, May 16 2011, 4:43 am

mominlkwd wrote:

maze wrote:

but they may have had to trim down thier guest list.

In my community full invitations are sent out, but my parents invited the whole community to chuppa and sheva brochos. A lot of people come to the chuppa (which was local) to say mazel tov, mainly single girls come to the dancing.

sarahd

Mon, May 16 2011, 8:09 am

And in my community, anyone who wants can come to a chuppah, even if you don't receive a formal invitation. Relatively few people are invited to the dinner.

amother

Mon, May 16 2011, 8:19 am

mominlkwd wrote:

maze wrote:

One of my kids married into a HUGE family. We were the out of towners so it didn't affect our choices much but had we made it in town, for sure I'd have had to do a simchas chosson vkallah. People don't get bent out of shape, they understand, at least my peeps.

StrawberrySmoothie

Mon, May 16 2011, 8:50 am

I just got invited to a shower of a girl who did not invite me to the wedding at all. Not even for dancing. Obviously, I am not going, But yes, it was very tacky and rude of her.

Yocheved84

Mon, May 16 2011, 8:57 am

StrawberrySmoothie wrote:

I just got invited to a shower of a girl who did not invite me to the wedding at all. Not even for dancing. Obviously, I am not going, But yes, it was very tacky and rude of her.

AGREED! Very tacky.

CatLady

Mon, May 16 2011, 9:14 am

Quote:

I just got invited to a shower of a girl who did not invite me to the wedding at all. Not even for dancing. Obviously, I am not going, But yes, it was very tacky and rude of her.

That's a gift grab, if I ever heard of one. The only time that I can see someone not being invited to a wedding but being invited to a shower would be a workplace setting, where you can't invite everyone in the department but your co-workers want to commemorate the event. In my office (and we are a very social group!), a $5-10 contribution and maybe a dessert is the only contribution that's required. Everyone comes at break time, has a piece of cake and some coffee, admires the gifts, reads the messages on the giant card and goes back to work. If it's an "official shower", by which I mean one that is hosted by the family, then I assume that everyone who's invited is part of the wedding invite list as well.

Chayalle

Mon, May 16 2011, 9:47 am

de_goldy wrote:

chocolate moose wrote:

Really, showers are only given for the most needy kallahs.

ITA. I've been to showers where the Kallah was not at all needy.

Chayalle

Mon, May 16 2011, 9:50 am

amother wrote:

maze wrote:

Our 12th grade class foresaw this problem. Our solution? We each chipped in $350 to the class shower fund ($10 for each classmates bridal shower.)
Of course each kallah's immediate friends and family chipped in as usual besides for this.

Who funded that $350?

Ruchel

Mon, May 16 2011, 9:52 am

I would rather not be invited if I'm only invited for the chupa (I don't know of showers) and not the dinner, unless dinner is somewhere else then I don't mind.

PinkFridge

Mon, May 16 2011, 9:57 am

Yocheved84 wrote:

StrawberrySmoothie wrote:

I just got invited to a shower of a girl who did not invite me to the wedding at all. Not even for dancing. Obviously, I am not going, But yes, it was very tacky and rude of her.

AGREED! Very tacky.

I assume you know the suggestion to invite came directly from her, and not a shower hostessing committee who just invited people they assumed were close enough.

shoshina

Mon, May 16 2011, 11:13 am

That is TERRIBLY tacky. And Pink Fridge you're very kind to give them the benefit of the doubt, but if a shower is being thrown in your honor and invitations are being sent to your friends, you're responsible for the graciousness of the event. Her mother should have stepped in with the correct guest list, unless her mother is also terminally greedy on her daughters behalf.

maze

Mon, May 16 2011, 11:34 am

pink fridge,
yes- the newly married people should set aside money for girls who gave them presents--that's the proper thing to do. It's basic decency. It doesn't matter who paid-whether the parents or the friend herself. Bottom line is, if you got a gift, you should return it. that's the decent thing to do

maze

Mon, May 16 2011, 11:37 am

lady godiva,
I'll give an example: if you marry a guy who'll be learning in kollel, Chances are that in a few years with a few kids, you won't be able to afford gifts for all your friends' weddings.

maze

Mon, May 16 2011, 11:38 am

de_goldy,
it's more of a hashkafic than halachic issue. Our Rabbi said it's not mentchlech to accept a gift without returning it. If you get a present, you should reciprocate.

maze

Mon, May 16 2011, 11:41 am

raisin,
sending out invitations to just chuppa is ok. What isn't ok, and what the OP is discussing, is whether you can accept a shower/wedding gift and then not invite them to the whole wedding.

Ruchel

Mon, May 16 2011, 11:43 am

It's a bit much to expect people to shlep, maybe even take a sitter and all, just for the chupa, IMHO.

maze

Mon, May 16 2011, 11:44 am

to the amother who lives in australia,
Most people do have a shower in the US. and the shower gift is usually the wedding gift. (you don't give an extra gift unless you're really close to the kallah)

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