"Stealing" a name that SIL will use for her next o

amother

Mon, May 16 2011, 10:47 am

B"H we are expecting a little girl in a couple of months. There is a name that DH likes, which I'm not so crazy about, but whatever. Here's the thing... I think we'll be stealing the name from his sister, my SIL, who is the only relative of ours that lives here in Israel. SIL's husband's grandmother recently passed away. She was the matriarch of that family and they were very close to her (also the family helps them financially) so I couldn't imagine that they wouldn't name their next girl after her. There is no way SIL could have a baby before ours arrives, but given her age and her history of having lots of babies, it's very very likely that she will have a girl within the next couple of years. DH says it's 'fair game' on the name. I think it's not nice - and also I think they might use the name anyways if we used it... so two cousins who live closeby would have the same name. What does everyone think?

life'sgreat

Mon, May 16 2011, 10:58 am

amother wrote:

I think it's absurd to 'own' names. Especially if she's not pregnant at this time. For the 'maybe, perhaps, one day she'll have'?

shalhevet

Mon, May 16 2011, 11:00 am

Plenty of cousins have the same name. So what? Use what you like and she can use what she wants to too.

I find your opinion that it's "very, very likely" she will have a girl in the next couple of years very, very strange. Are you Hashem? My neighbour had two boys and then two girls in about four or five years, and the youngest girl is now in 2nd grade and she's had four more boys since.

shoshina

Mon, May 16 2011, 11:05 am

If you're not wild about the name anyway, isn't it likely you'll be calling your DD by a nickname/her middle name? Plenty of cousins with the same name become Sarah-Liba and Sarah-Rivka and its quite natural.

bigsis144

Mon, May 16 2011, 11:08 am

No, I don't think someone can get "dibs" on a name.

And I think it's VERY common for cousins to share names. (Side note: think of all the Chaya Mushkas and Menachem Mendels in Lubavitch communities, or Yoels in Satmar, or Avigdors among Rav Miller-niks -- every family has a kid with that name. Okay, I'm generalizing, but you know what I mean...)

amother

Mon, May 16 2011, 11:12 am

shalhevet wrote:

I agree. My friend had 4 boys and then 3 girls. MIL has a girl followed by 5 boys. And I was blessed with 4 kids in just over 4 years, and Hashem seems to deem there will be at least 4 years before another one at the moment Sad

Also among dh's first cousins (there are 9 from 2 families), there are 2 names that each family has, and both times the names were picked independently. My kids also have some names that overlap with their older cousins, it didn't even come into consideration.

I also agree about the owning names. No one owns a name, every parent chooses the name for each child, and we believe there is hashgaga involved. How can anyone own a name?

JAWSCIENCE

Mon, May 16 2011, 11:23 am

Sometimes it feels like my entire DH's family is named Joseph and my entire family is Moshe or Shlomo. This is very common.

The real question is, is you sister the type to be really offended? If you are just picking out a pretty name because you have no one to name for and you know she has her eye on that name and is she the type to get very insulted and touchy about it? The person to ask would be your sister not a bunch of internet users. Then you need to decide if you care about her being insulted by something that is totally normal and very common.

zaq

Mon, May 16 2011, 11:42 am

Let me get this straight: you're pregnant. Your sil isn't. The matriarch of the family recent was niftar. You want to name your soon-to-be-born child after this matriarch, and you're cringeing in fear of offending your sil who isn't even pregnant??? What's wrong with this picture? Unless your family has the charming but utterly fictitious custom of buying options on a name, the name not only doesn't "belong" to anyone who may or may not have a baby in the next couple of years, but in some circles people are makpid to name as soon as possible for a niftar, especially during the first year. If your sil has a girl at some point, there's no law saying she can't use the same name. My word, if there were such a law, most families I know would be rotting in jail right now.

Personally I wouldn't ask the sil's opinion at all. What you name your baby is your business. Your dh has as much right as anyone to memorialize his g-mother, and if your sil is going to get offended over that, let her stew in her own juices.

Liba

Mon, May 16 2011, 11:47 am

zaq wrote:

The name isn't from her family. The name is from her sister's husband's family.

I can totally understand her sister being upset if she "just picked the name out of a phone book" and didn't have a particular connection to it and knew her sister did.

newmother

Mon, May 16 2011, 11:50 am

me and my two sisters all have boys named after my grandfather. They are all a year and a half apart and yes it can get confusing but it works out. One sister lives out of town but me and my other sister have play dates all the time we just refer to each child with their name plus their last name to unconfuse things (for example- Moshe Green and Moshe Stern).

chocolate chips

Mon, May 16 2011, 12:55 pm

I dont think its a big deal...we have 2 cousins with the same name both after the other side!
it happens especially in big families that a few cousins have the same name.

Marion

Mon, May 16 2011, 1:12 pm

DS#3 is Yitzchak Meir. His cousin (3 months younger) is Shmuel Meir. His other cousin (5 months younger) is Moshe Baruch Meir. Guess what my late FIL's name was?

DH is Yisrael Yaakov Kopul. His first cousin is Yaakov Kopul. Guess what his late grandfather's name was?

DH has a cousin Chava. And we have a niece Miriam Chava. And another one Naama Chava Hodaya. Guess what his great-grandmother's name was? (The only reason none of his sisters is named Chava is because BOTH great-grandmothers were Chava in Hebrew and one was still living when each of his sisters was born.)

aidelmaidel

Mon, May 16 2011, 1:30 pm

It's not a big deal at all. I second the vote on the number of Chaya Mushkas and Menachem Mendels in Lubavitch.

But it's not just that. For example my DD has TWO girls in her class with the same unusual first name - Cheyena. Both girls are cousins who are named for a family matriarch who passed away who was much beloved. Someone told me, if you see a girl with that name, you can be assured they are from the ______ family - everyone with that name is named after the same bubbie.

And even if there are multiple kids in the same class with the same name, each kid usually winds up with a different name they're called anyway. You know how many variations/nicknames of Chaya Mushka there are?

Chaya Mushka
Chaya Mussia
Chaya Mussie
Chaya
Chayale
Chayee (prouncounced Chai-YEE)
Chaiki
Mushka
Mushkie
Mussia
Mussie
Any combination there of...

saw50st8

Mon, May 16 2011, 1:34 pm

Liba wrote:

zaq wrote:

This is how I sort of feel. Its one thing if its a family name, its another if its a random name.

Is it a super common name though?

How about talking to her? You run the risk of her saying "Please don't" though.