All Alone on Shavuos Night:( - VENT

anonymrs

Mon, May 30 2011, 5:53 am

Last year, we were in shana rishona and DH went to learn until about 1 or 2am and then came home so that I don't have to be home alone the whole night. This year, we are now no longer in SR and DH would like to go learn the whole night. That means that I will be home alone with my 5 month old baby (who happens to be very difficult).

I do not live near relatives so going away would not be an option. DH learning the whole night means he will be out from after we finish eating until after davening in the morning. I don't want to discourage him bec I know it's important for him but I really don't want to be home alone with my baby the whole night. I need DH to be near me, I will be so lonely. I am sad thinking about it.

DH is just about my only relative in this country and I don't have too many friends here either. I am generally lonely and my DH is my only best friend here. I don't like when he is out for long periods of time and I am home alone. I always end up in a bad mood. Being alone overnight is just too overwhelming for me.

Just had to vent. Anyone else feel this way and can sympathize?

buzz

Mon, May 30 2011, 7:38 am

I also hated being home alone on Shavous night, this year for the first time we are going to inlaws just an hr flight and I am so excited not to have that night alone, with three kids. They all sleep 6-6, but just being alone is lonely. I feel bad for you, I do, like someone suggested, is there anyone you could get to sleep over? Or maybe sleep at someones house? Perhaps a teenager daughter of a good friend?

I hope you find a solution! Hug

ChossidMom

Mon, May 30 2011, 8:20 am

Shavuos is really hard. As are many other Yomim Tovim, especially when you have a husband who goes to his rebbe..... I can totally relate and sympathize. I don't have any advice though. Hang in there. Focus on the fact that it's only one night.

As an aside, I used to be so completely dependent on my husband for many things. I had never made Pesach alone (in the kitchen) and was really dependent on him deciding when and how to do things. Well, one year his mom passed away 10 days before Pesach. I made Pesach without him that year and today I am LIBERATED. I proved to myself that I CAN. May this be a liberating experience for you and may it go by quickly and easily!!

ttbtbm

Mon, May 30 2011, 8:58 am

You are bringing back memories! It's been a while. (Now I can only dream of being alone!) I used to make sure I had a really good book and some good cheesecake. With something to read and munch on somehow the time passes! Planning is always the key. Things don't always work out the way we plan (like baby might be teething or something!) but you can try. Also, inviting a guest is a great idea. Good luck! Oh! What also used to help me was thinking of it in terms of a few hours rather than a whole night.

Mrs Bissli

Mon, May 30 2011, 9:15 am

OP I definitely can sympathise. For various reasons, my DH will have to go to two miniyanim for shacharit--the early one at 4:45am and the regular one at 8:30am (and probably lein both). I've been asked not to have guests either the first night or the first day as he will be totally wiped out.

But I think there're many women here in the same situation, esp if they have young children who cannot be left on their own, don't have families nearby and husbands learning all night. I do miss pre-kids days with 2am cheesecake and coffee shiurim but there's not much I can do for the next 8-10years. Oh well, something to look forward to. Thank goodness it's only one night, and you can cope better if you either have company or better yet find some good books to read with a nice mug of hot chocolate.

AlwaysGrateful

Mon, May 30 2011, 9:31 am

I can definitely relate. Honestly, Shavuos morning is the hardest for me.

Here's what I do at times like that. Beforehand, I make myself a schedule of things to do at each time, and I find that helps the time pass more quickly (and it helps me realize, as previous posters said, that it's not as long as it seems). For example, if the meal finishes at X time, I'll go to sleep right afterwards, or schedule in half an hour of "me" time reading something I'd like to read and then go to bed. Falling asleep on my own is the tough part, but fine.

When the baby wakes up, right, there's nothing to do but just go feed her.

And then the next morning, if say your baby always wakes up at 6:30, so you plan on the first hour being getting up, feeding your baby, getting dressed, and just playing with your baby. The next hour might be you eating (possibly davening, saying kiddush, etc, depending on what you're able to do). If your baby naps, and you've already eaten (a big feat with a five month old!), you can spend that time actually learning something yourself -- after all, it's your rosh hashana for torah too! When baby wakes up, you can go for a walk with her in the stroller...and by then your dh might even be up and ready for the seuda (I'm assuming he comes home in the middle of all this somewhere -- schedule that in too).

Just an idea that works for me!

Hashem_Yaazor

Mon, May 30 2011, 9:44 am

I've been doing this ever since I was married. Maybe I'm weird in that it really doesn't bother me being home by myself. I don't know.

By the time the seuda is finished, it's very late, and I usually just read a bit to get myself drowsy and then go to sleep.

Wake up with kids, husband comes shortly afterwards. I do whatever I can to get them dressed beforehand but if not, some of that happens after he comes home.

We have kiddush together, and then I get my kids out of the house. We go for a walk, to the park, to my in-laws. Whatever. We're out for a few hours before regrouping for lunch. Since I let my husband have those 5 hours or so in the morning, I do NOT feel guilty asking for him to watch the kids for an hour or so in order that I can rest. Y"T is late, I'm the one cooking/washing dishes/taking care of kids while he's learning/davening, and he understands that. After that first day, we're basically back on track.

(This year, for the first time ever, we are having a guest -- my sister -- sleeping over instead of just coming for meals, so it will be even easier, though she'll probably go to shul in the morning so my morning won't be any different...but that way we'll all get to nap between the 3 adults watching the kids.)

freidasima

Mon, May 30 2011, 9:52 am

HY I'm like you. I guess it's what you are used to. My father was never home shavuos nite, and my husband is giving shiurim all over the city, he's in great demand and is called from one place to another. I don't mind being alone at night, the kids used to go to sleep and I would learn, read, etc. It means that I wouldn't be able to go to the ladies shiurim when they were small but so what? I would learn a bit with them and unless you are in your situation with a baby or up to three years old or so, where you really can't learn much with them, after that age it's fun.

Yeah sure it's not great being on your own but what a zechus to let your husband be able to learn for a whole night betzibur! Think of it that way. And the poster who wrote prepare activities - she gets my vote 100%, save something to learn, save something to read and before you turn around the night is over. Besides, it's summer at least in the northern hemisphere and it all starts so late the first shiur is only at 10 PM anyhow (unless you are in South Africa, South America or Australia...) so by that time you have spent the evening together, eaten a lovely meal, talked and then it's almost time for bed.

Think of all the chassidish women whose husbands go off to the rebbe leaving them alone for the yomim tovim all the time! They have coping strategies and so can you.

but the real problem is what you write between the lines. You are in a country where you know no one, you have few friends and you are lonely. That is an issue that should be addressed regardless of shavuos night which comes only one time a year...and so please, when the yuntif is over, start thinking of finding coping strategies that will make you happier in general!

Twizzlers

Mon, May 30 2011, 10:47 am

we are married for 5 years and dh only stayed home twice on shavuos nite. first was shana rishona; we actually stayed in an empty house with my newly married sister and the 2 chassanim learnt together in the house. second time was 2 years ago when I had swine flu over shavuos and really needed him to be awake during the day to handle the kids.

generally though, by the time we finish the meal its late and I'm happy to fall into bed when he leaves. dh usually buys me a big fat novel to keep me company in case I get lonely Very Happy

he gets back at like 7am and goes to sleep for a couple of hours. I get the kids dressed, give them breakfast and then we head over to the park for a while. its become our shavuos tradition. the kids love it because since there is no eruv here we can never go out on shabbos but on yom tov we can take the stroller and go. the park is full of women and kids just like us.

Chana Miriam S

Mon, May 30 2011, 10:48 am

anonymrs wrote:

I remember when my ds was 5 months old and my dh had to go away fr the weekend because my sister was getting married and his best man organized a bachelor party that went from toronto to niagara falls to windsor to detroit over a weekend. dh begged not to go and my bil to be was desperate for a moderating influence because he knew his crazy best man was designing his OWN ideal bachelor party and not the actual chatans. My dh felt like he had no choice. my bil to be is a 'go to bed at 10pm up at 5 am' kind of guy, not one who spends whole weekends shlepping from casino to casino to football games.

dh went and I survived and you know, a few years later, we moved to the states and we were totally alone in boston. he went away on business regularly and I was left home with an ASD 5 year old and a new baby. you know what? I survived. you will too. When we moved back to canada I KNEW what I could handle. and it's a LOT.

gila-rina

Mon, May 30 2011, 11:23 am

anonymrs wrote:

absolutely not sarcastic - please be proud and happy to be married to someone to whom this "allnighter" is important. You're both sacrificing (he sleep, you his company) for something worthwhile. I'm envious, in a good way. Hug

gila-rina

Mon, May 30 2011, 11:24 am

anonymrs wrote: