Bat Mitzvah conflict

amother

Sun, Jun 05 2011, 11:18 pm

DD will be having a Bat mitzva with her friends early in the summer. We plan on having one with just family later in the summer.

Conflict is as follows: When we planned her older sister's Bat Mitzvah, we ended up having to change the date because of a poker tournament that my FIL was in. As a result, for medical reasons, my parents couldn't attend on the new date. It was very sad, and we were all upset that it had been changed for poker playing! Months later, when the medical issues were resolved, we held a Bat Mitzvah for dd and her friends. Because my parents missed the family one we asked them to join us. Upon seeing pictures of my mom at the event, my mil was upset that she had not been invited. We apologized and said that we would be sure to include her in the next one.

Fast forward: The date for the Bat Mitzvah with my 2nd dd conflict's with another one of FIL's poker tournaments. To make it much later will conflict with camps. It is also unfair to make dd wait any further, she has waited long enough since my father passed away soon after she turned 12. However, I can tell MIL is sad she won't be attending. Personally, I think she just needs to tell FIL that his poker playing should be suspended for that day, and she should attend if she wants. Also, we will be making a party for family later on.

What do you think? I don't want to delay another Bat Mitzvah party for the sake of poker! Last time it resuling in my parents not attending, this time it could result in dd's friends not attending!

amother

Mon, Jun 06 2011, 10:07 pm

[quote="chocolate moose"]I don't see why you didn't just celebrate it on her birthday, and whoever could come, could come.

I'm surprised that her school allows party after party. My daughter's would not have.[/quote

OP here: Since you asked, my father was very sick again right around her birthday. We did not want to hold a simcha while he was so sick. While he was very sick, I had a baby prematurely. My father was niftar just 7 weeks after the baby was born. So, between my prreemie, my recovery, my father passing away, shiva, shloshim, then Purim and Pesach,....this is the first opportunity since her birthday. We didn't have the family celebration either since we held out hope that my father would recover. We also didn't hold the baby's kiddush right away either; again we had hoped my father would recover. Her kiddush was just a few weeks ago.

DD was actually born on Hoshana Rabba, and we made a beautiful celebration with my husband, myself, dd, and all of her siblings.

My daughter is homeschooled. What the local school does, doesn't really matter to us.

zaq

Tue, Jun 07 2011, 12:04 am

If your FIL is so crass he can't be bothered to skip a competition for his own granddaughter's simcha, he doesn't deserve to have anyone change their plans to accommodate him. He's made it very clear that his tournament is more important to him; don't you make it more important to you. What you're doing by changing your plans is rewarding your FIL's bad behavior and punishing everyone else.

shalhevet

Tue, Jun 07 2011, 2:47 am

I would just decide on a convenient date for you (sounds like you already have) and just invite everyone and tell them "Rivka's bat mitzva party will be on the 3rd of Tammuz at 5pm". Another time I would not tell family that you are thinking of making any simcha on such and such a date, just present them with the fact that it will be held on date x and let them decide whether or not they can come (unless someone has surgery or something serious and medical scheduled for that date).

DrMom

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 12:04 am

chocolate moose wrote:

I don't see why you didn't just celebrate it on her birthday, and whoever could come, could come.

I'm surprised that her school allows party after party. My daughter's would not have.

Why are you surprised that not all aschools have the same rules? Not that I see why it's the school's business anyway...

OP: Is your FIL a professional poker player? Is this his parnassa? That would be the only reason I could possibly think of to take this poker game into account. Maybe it's because to me a poker game sounds frivolous, but I'm inclined to just say (as others have): Have the simcha when it's best for you.

amother

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 1:02 am

DrMom wrote:

[OP: Is your FIL a professional poker player? Is this his parnassa? That would be the only reason I could possibly think of to take this poker game into account. Maybe it's because to me a poker game sounds frivolous, but I'm inclined to just say (as others have): Have the simcha when it's best for you.

OP here: No, he isn't a professional. And it's not his parnassa.. In fact, he has never earned one cent of profit, always breaking even! He doesn't need the income since they are quite wealthy. And he's not a "gambler" either. He does it mostly to keep his mind sharp, to have something to analyze. He is a former doctor and engineer who retired early, and he just needed something to analyze once he was no longer working. Unfortunately, his hobby gets in the way of family way to often since he wants to attend these tournaments,

Fox

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 1:17 am

As much as we do for our kids, sometimes it seems like we do even more for our parents.

Here's what I would do:

Make two parties. One party will be the official shindig that includes friends, flowers, balloons, or whatever you do. Depending on the school's minhagim as well as the practices of your DD's chevra, make this party relatively teen-centric.

Make a second, more "elegant" dinner for family only at some later date when dear FIL has a break from the poker circuit. Depending on your resources, you can either have this in a restaurant or simply cook it yourself. Use the best dishes; put flowers on the table; ask the adults who know your DD best to make a few speeches on the wonder of watching her grow up.

To your DD, the teen-centric event will probably be her "real" bas mitzvah; the adults in the family will probably appreciate the opportunity to celebrate in an adult-centric way that does not include shrieking pre-teens. And you can pretend that poker has nothing to do with it.

BTW, this system is pretty common for boys in some circles, where the friends, classmates, and the general public is invited to a kiddush or event on the actual bar mitzvah. Family members then attend a special seuda on the boi b'yom; when the bar mitzvah first dons tefillin; or whatever significant day is chosen by the family. While obviously many family members attend both events, there are always those who have come from out-of-town; who have accessibility issues; who travel frequently for business . . . they attend whichever event is most convenient and everyone just overlooks the fact that they aren't attending both.

Granted, the reasons for their absence generally don't include poker!

amother

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 7:00 am

shanie5 wrote:

I If dd turned 12 on hoshanna rabba, and u postpone any longer, u may as well make her a bar mitzvah.

OP here: All relevant shailohs have been asked already, the delay in having it really didn't matter. I wasn't allowed to make it during shloshim, which ended 2 days before Purim. No one would have appreciated not having their daughters around on a Sunday afternoon prior to Pesach, which is when we had thought we'd have it. Plus, I couldn't get things ready during shloshim, Then we thought we'd have it sometime during the past month or so, were advised to wait until after school lets out, since it is a busy time with end-of-the year school activities.

amother

Fri, Jun 10 2011, 8:15 am

I would schedule the party and if your FIL doesn't want tos how he doesn't have to. If your MIL wants to come let her if she is going to feel bad that she wasn't invited well she was invited. They are adults with choices you don't have to schedule your life around them.

It's not like it's brain surgery Ch"V or something he can't cancel or postpone. He has choices his grandchild's bas mitzvah or the tournament in addition didn't you say you were having a separate one for family?? So really ti's your MIL who's being the baby cuz she saw your mother in a photo? tell them all to grow up and do what's best for your daughter this is for her not for the grandparents!!

PS sorry to hear about your loss and mazel tov on the baby!

shanie5

Sun, Jun 12 2011, 12:06 am

amother wrote:

shanie5 wrote:

I If dd turned 12 on hoshanna rabba, and u postpone any longer, u may as well make her a bar mitzvah.

I realize that pushing off was for good reasons. I was being facetious. Just my way of saying "dont keep pushing off the party for others-especially a poker tournament!"