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amother






Post  Thu, Oct 12 2006, 5:30 pm
Does anyone out there have one child who is so much more difficult than your others, or anyone else's?
My son is getting more difficult by the day lately he has a fit (a screaming episode lasting minimum ten mnutes, usually triggered by nothing more than something happening that he did not expect or desire such as getting his pants taken off without prior notice at PJ time) at least once or twice a day.
I feel like he's always tense, and periodically during the day I can feel his intensity growing as he gets more rough with his siblings. I know he needs calm down time very often the only problem is that this calm down time has to happen on my lap being cuddled and masaged. B"H I have a few other children and am very busy during the day. and so I dont have this kind of time. though when I have the time I do give it to him.
he fights with his brother alot over no reason at all. I feel like I'm always sorting fights.

I dont need solutions really, b/c I know what he needs. but support and knowing that there's another kid out there like this and I'm not alone would help me alot.
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amother






Post  Thu, Oct 12 2006, 5:44 pm
maybe I should add that he's just about 3, and there s so much more than what I'm writing. I'm am having a very hard time negotiating giving my individual attention to all my kids when they all need it at once.
its especially hard when one or two of my other kids decide to have a fit (same screaming but more easily resolved) at the same time.

my difficult son's fits cannot be resolved easily. he will fight and scratch me if I try to hold him.
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cindy324




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Oct 12 2006, 9:48 pm
I'm sorry I don't have anytthing constructive to tell you, except maybe you should have him evaluated. It sounds like maybe he has sensory issues , from what you're describing. I'm sure someone will be along shortly with more advice. Good luck.
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micki




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Oct 12 2006, 11:44 pm
I'm sorry you are going thru this.
when my son was tturning 3 he also started to throw tantrums etc when things did not go his way. I felt that giving in to these tantrums (by calming him down) actually gave him encouragement to continue having them.
instead I calmly told him- I hear you screaming and that is ok. when you would like to finish screaming then we can go back to ...doing whatever triggered it in the first place.
it lasted about a month, and he learned really quickly that it just does not bother me if he screams, so why bother in the first place.

holding him and claming him down is not giving him the tools he needs to learn how to calm himself down. instead you are teaching him that hte only way you can stop screaming is if I hold you etc..
instead I would leave him to scream. eventually he WILL stop. after all, if he is almost 3 then he is certainly able to communicate his needs and can definitly tell you if something is really wrong.

try it- let him scream the next time. you don't want to live your life on eggshells holding your breath hoping that the smallest thing won't trigger another tantrum.

take your other kids, and go to another room if you can- this way he cannot hurt them while he is having his fit.
remember- the most important thing you can teach your kids is to learn to depend on themselvs for what they need. your calming him on your lap is not helping matters. he needs to learn to calm down on his own.

does he go to school? does he act like this in school? if he does go and he does not have these tantrums there, have you ever asked yourself why?

good luck- its not easy being a parent. we can only hope that its a short phase and that it will pass.
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amother






Post  Fri, Oct 13 2006, 12:57 am
No solutions here, just here to support you and to tell you that I know it's hard. I've a very diff. son myself, has been difficult since he started nursery at age 3. He's now 10 and it is definitely not easy. If I'd known about early intervention when my son was 3 I'd definitely have done it then. I started intervention way too late. Lots of sensory issues and language processing. I needed to learn how to communicate and teach those skills to him. I learned to feed him words, words he can then use himself in lieu of tantrums, etc. The tantrums still occur but not with the same frequency or intensity. I can relate to the walking on eggshells thing. Hey, that's something I'm gonna discuss with T, to see if I can create a shift in my thinking, so that I may lessen the walking on eggshells thing.
Life throws us challenges we are not prepared for. If this is a relatively new development, it is normal to experience a host of emotions including anger, frustration, sadness, guilt, plus more. If this is not new, you are no doubt familiar with the emotional turmoil that comes along with having such a child.
The biggest help for me was having my son in weekly therapy, and me meeting with his therapist once a week. I would tell his T what was going on at home, for example, that I pulled off his pants and he started tantruming. T would advise me, for example, T might say to say to son, 'are you upset that I am pulling off your pants?" Or T might say to gently tell son that I will now be pulling off pants. Or that I should gently tell son to pull off pants. I've found our weekly meeting to be the greatest help. I learned how to communicate to my child in a way that I hadn't known before.
It's not easy. Try to hang in there....
And in the meantime, take good care of yourself.
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amother






Post  Fri, Oct 13 2006, 1:11 am
I can %100 relate to previous poster and OP. We thought he was just a difficult child until we had him assessed and realised he has sensory issues and is what they call Aspergers. It was so challenging but B"H for early intervention!
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Tefila




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Oct 13 2006, 1:13 am
Quote:
remember- the most important thing you can teach your kids is to learn to depend on themselvs for what they need. your calming him on your lap is not helping matters. he needs to learn to calm down on his own.

Well at this age they have so much to learn already. They don't have to know how to build Rome at age 3 u know 8)

Ok here is my take on this and yes I am going thru this too Confused . For your sanity and calmness to be able to see to the situation logicaly you have to remove yourself emotionaly from him at that moment.

Pretend that you are his teacher caring and loving but not hs mother. If you put yourself into that mode then you can deal with it effectiveley.
When he or she decides to have a temper tantrum instead of everyone else walking out . I would remove that particuler child and say ok you r going into this other room to calm down once you have and you are ready to talk I will listen..... till then you r not allowed out.

ALso fyk Every child wether it's a baby or a teenager needs mommy and me time.
When my little ones r up and need me, I tell my older ones once the little ones are in bed I will play a game and chat with you about whatever you want but when the babys r up their needs do come first..
And this way I can give each of them their own time.
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momof6




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Oct 13 2006, 1:14 am
3 is a difficult age. He may have additional issues. Definitely get him checked, or he may just be 3. Borrow "Love and Logic for parents" from the Library and see if any of the ideas help. Also "1,2,3 Magic" is a great book. I would try saying aloud " I can't help you until you stop....." and give him a special place to throw a tantrum.
At a calm x show him the "tantrum place", Say, "this is the tantrum place when you feel upset and you need to have a tantrum this is the place to do it"
When you see "THe signs " say, "You look like you are about to have a tantrum, go to the tantrum place"
If he won't go pick him up and put him there.
If he insists that he isn't having a tantrum give him 2 chances "That's one"
"That's 2" "That's 3 tantrum place"


use very few words!!!!!! Don't get upset!!! He's acting like a 3 year old.

Say out loud to your DH or yourself "He's acting like a 3yr o"
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amother






Post  Fri, Oct 13 2006, 1:16 am
a neighbor's daughter would scream at the top of her lungs at the drop of a hat. You would think she was being burned alive. the mother was mortified and could never calm her down.at one point I wondered whether she didn't have some mental issues b/c her screaming was so ... unnatural! the child stopped it on her own at around six, but she really drove e/o insane until she did.

When my oldest started a screaming phase at about 2.5, I knew where this could lead. I made eye contact with her and said: "I will count til three. if you are still screaming, I will give you a potch. I will do this until you stop." and I did. it took around three potches. she was a little taken aback (I rarely potch) when I kept counting again, but stopped once she realized I meant business. the next time, one was enough, and she stopped when I started counting again. she tried it two more times at most, but stopped before I reached three. each time she calmed down I said I could hear whatever she has to say, but will not take yelling.

I happen to be a pretty easygoing mother in general, but I cannot tolerate continous, senseless screaming. it drives me insane. I'd rather be harsh a couple of times (since I was confident she would comply once she saw I was serious) then have my child wrap me around her finger for several yrs and bring chaos into the home.

some time later, my sil complained about her own child who was almost three. same story and she was going nuts. he'd start these tantrums several x each day. I told her, I can tell u what I did, though u might think I'm crazy. she was at the end of her rope and just wanted peace in her house. it worked as quickly as it did for me.

children are smart and some learn to manipulate parents this way. letting them get away with it doesn't bring peace for anyone, it makes the parents AND THE CHILD miserable. while ignoring them, like micki did, may help s/t, it's not always the case. you must find what works for ur child. and once the screaming stops, the child will become much more relaxed all day.
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Tefila




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Oct 13 2006, 1:20 am
Quote:
use very few words!!!!!!

Oh yes I can't stress that enough. And whatever you do don't get frustrated too. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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momof6




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Oct 13 2006, 1:21 am
than something happening that he did not expect or desire such as getting his pants taken off without prior notice at PJ time)

Warn him so that he can anticipate things "we will be getting dressed in 2 min/ when I count to ten/ afer you drink that water."
"I will be taking your pants off now"
Give choises when possible
"Would you like me to take your pants off first or your shirt?



I dont need solutions really, b/c I know what he needs. but support and knowing that there's another kid out there like this and I'm not alone would help me alot.[/quote]
He really does sound like a typical 3 yr old
What does his teacher say?
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busymom




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Oct 13 2006, 1:36 am
amother, I would encourage u to try one of the above suggestions that u think would work for ur child. the most important thing is to be firm and stick with what u choose.

as far as choices are concerned, I do that all the time. children spend their entire day being told what to do by the adults around them. giving them specific choices as opposed to simply letting them choose means they can't request lollipops for breakfast! in other words, there still IS an authority figure (s/o is taking care of them = security), but they DO have some control over their lives. I let my children choose between two outfits to wear, or between cereal and yogurt for breakfast...I believe it gives them confidence (I trust them enough to leave some things in their hands) and also makes them less resentful of authority in general.
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amother






Post  Fri, Oct 13 2006, 2:50 am
To OP,

I dont want you to generalise my situation to your own, from this site that would be ludicrous however the line you wrote namely
"than something happening that he did not expect or desire such as getting his pants taken off without prior notice at PJ time) "

reminded me of my 3 year old who got diagnosed with Aspergers.
He seemed a little more difficult and temperamental to me, often had meltdowns. I never expected he would actualy have a label other than being more work and needing me far more than my others', cause he was a little diffcult. I was wrong. His behaviours were always heightened in new situations, strange places, and having unexpected events take place, exactly as you implied in your quote.
Take your son, who more than likely is simply a challenging 3 year old boy, no harm done though, to take him to Early intervention to have him assessed.
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amother






Post  Fri, Oct 13 2006, 11:40 am
just realize that however difficult a child is, as long as we as mothers try our best, and try and find ways to deal with them in a positive way, it is not a reflection of the mother. thinking of it that way I think can help a mother be more calm and not get so excited and take things personally............. do u know what is bothering ure son? do u think one on one time with him doing something fun together just u two every single day can help?
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chocolate moose




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Oct 13 2006, 11:53 am
WE know that but the WORLD has not gotten around to "not judging" us yet.
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momof6




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Oct 16 2006, 10:03 am
amother wrote:
To OP,

I dont want you to generalise my situation to your own, from this site that would be ludicrous however the line you wrote namely
"than something happening that he did not expect or desire such as getting his pants taken off without prior notice at PJ time) "

reminded me of my 3 year old who got diagnosed with Aspergers.
He seemed a little more difficult and temperamental to me, often had meltdowns. I never expected he would actualy have a label other than being more work and needing me far more than my others', cause he was a little diffcult. I was wrong. His behaviours were always heightened in new situations, strange places, and having unexpected events take place, exactly as you implied in your quote.
Take your son, who more than likely is simply a challenging 3 year old boy, no harm done though, to take him to Early intervention to have him assessed.


Thumbs Up
Early Intervention is free!! If it is aspergergers, the earlier you intervene the better. Life can get much easier!!!!!
They may not pick up on Aspergers in a EI screen, however. If they don't pick anything up and he still seems unusual to you ask an experienced teacher of 3 yr o if you should be worried, or if this is typical 3 yr o behavior.
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mom23




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Oct 16 2006, 1:44 pm
First of all you are not alone. There are many families that one child is more challanging than the others. Every child is different and you have to recognize each child's strength and weaknesses. When you have a particularly challenging child, it is very emotionally and physically draining.

I'm happy you have found a solution to dealing with the situation. If you feel this is just a stage he is going through you are dealing with it great. You are his mom, and you have to trust your intuition. If at any point you feel this behavior is above and beyond what you consider acceptable, go for educated opinions from an OT or other proffessional. (And if you every find out that this may be sensory - deep pressure is a classic remedy to be used to calm him down)

If you feel your son may have sensory issues and you want info please feel free to pm me. I have a daughter who has flourished with therapeutic intervention and my house is so much calmer and stable now that I truly understand the underlying reason to so many of her behaviors. When you understand why, you have a lot more control in preventing outbursts in the first place.

There are also some great books on this topic that can lead you in the right direction - "The out of sync child" and "The explosive child" are chock full of info that can apply to all children on some level.

Haztlacha!
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amother






Post  Mon, Oct 16 2006, 4:25 pm
Hi everyone
thanks for your replies.
first off, my son is a bright, curious, very friendly little boy. and no, I dont think there's anything wrong with him, (I.e aspergers)

I did a bit of googling, and I think that he's spirited.
he totally normal just more intense, persistant, and has a hard time with transitions than other kids.
basically, when I say no, another child would give up after a couple of protests, when he sees I wont give in. mine will never ever ever give up even if it means screaming for 2 hours. and he knows I never give in. since I never have. he still screams though.
its hard and I try to say yes as much as I can.

is it really possible that there isnt another child like him on imamother????
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chocolate moose




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Oct 16 2006, 4:35 pm
Every child is unique. Love him!
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amother






Post  Mon, Oct 16 2006, 5:32 pm
I googled spirited- this is the first thing that came up:

Quote:
Many parents would rather refer to their child as "spirited" rather than ADD or ADHD, which is fine. The only problem that I have with this is the fact that many children are not being diagnosed with their psychological or medical problems. Why is this? Well, they pick up a book on Amazon or at Borders and they think they know it all. The book says that my child is just energetic and spirited. You can almost hear these parents sigh in relief, put the book down to gather dust, and move on to other matters. This worries me.

spirited/add is described as someone that is impulsive, uncontrollably hyperactive, forgetful, indecisive, overly sensitive to stimuli, and prone to behavioral and personality abnormalities,


part of a larger arcticle:

http://www.lessontutor.com/kw9.html

if this is the case then you still need to have the child evaluated.
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