Bar mitvah coming up quickly - he's not ready

amother

Mon, Aug 01 2011, 12:24 am

We're in countdown mode - 12wks... I'm not pressuring him to do so much - I'd like him to lein the haftorah and give a dvar torah. Rather, I'm having him learn the leining and if he learns it, great. I don't want him to keep shrinking into smaller and smaller places where he feels comfortable.

He won't wear a hat - this is really upsetting me. I've been trying to build him up for a year now that come bar mitzvah time, he'll have to wear a hat. Today I took him to a hat store and spent 20 minutes trying to get him to try one on. he finally put it on for 2 secs tops and whipped it off. Wouldn't try on another. And, so far, not willing to wear it.

And what's going to happen with a suit? no way. If I had to choose I'd pick hat over suit. He can't handle the pressure or weight of the suit jacket on his shoulders. He won't wear a winter coat at all - or a spring jacket.

I know that this sounds petty, but it's important to me. He needs to be able to do these things... He NEEDS to. I don't know how on earth he's going to be willing to put on tefillin.

We spoke with our rav regarding the location - he said that we should make our own minyan. So, maybe we have a place, although it's more than we can afford. But then again, so is the entire thing. Can't afford the tefillin either. Food will maybe be covered.

Any suggestions for how to get him to wear a hat or jacket? or not be afraid of being in public? I'm seeing him getting worse and worse. Diagnosis: language or auditory processing disorder - not diagnosed: aspergers - although he sure has some symptoms (and been not diagnosed by multiple people including a neurologist who specializes in diagnosing aspergers).

BeershevaBubby

Mon, Aug 01 2011, 12:31 am

What is more important? Your son LOOKING the part or DOING what he is capable of?

The jacket and hat are important to YOU, but your son is not capable of that NOW. The more you push now, the bigger an issue it becomes and the more he'll fight you.

Sit him down and TALK to him. Compromise on the unimportant things by telling him that you're not going to even BUY him the hat or jacket (why spend money on something he may outgrown without ever wearing) but tell him he'll NEED to get used to wearing Tefilin pretty much every day.

Explain to him that while you would love for him to get his Aliyah and AND lein Haftorah AND give a dvar Torah, you understand it's too difficult for him and have him just say the bracha and try to convince him to lein. Take the dvar Torah off the table altogether.

Barbara

Mon, Aug 01 2011, 12:47 am

HUGS.

First things first. I take it that he knows the bracha for his aliya? If so, he's ready for the required part.

Honestly, instead of him doing the Haftorah, I'd think about having him called to the Torah on a weekday, and leyning one aliya. Weekday aliyahs are shorter, and it may be easier for him. Also, see if your shul will let you use the sanctuary for the bar mitzvah minyan after the regular daily minyan, so there's no extra costs. Bonus -- cheaper food. Bagels, some cheese, coffee, tea, milk, a couple of cakes.

The dvar Torah would be nice, but its not a necessity. Is he willing to work on one with his father, or with a rav from his school? If not, skip it.

I do sympathize with you re the suit and hat. I'm guessing that in your community, that's the way post-bar mitzvah boys dress. Its OK that you want your son to fit in, and to be like the other boys. But he may not be able to do this yet. It sounds like he probably has undiagnosed sensory issues. Hard as it is, you have to recognize that this is one of his limitations. It doesn't make him any less frum.

Mazel tov.

amother

Mon, Aug 01 2011, 12:48 am

Let me try to better explain.

Yes the hat and jacket are important to me. However, he has since he was about 4, slowly boxed himself into smaller and smaller spaces. It took a year of building him up to wearing a shirt with a collar for the dress code at school (I think 3rd grade). His Shabbos shirts back then were left unbuttoned at the neckline and bunched down. He has never ridden a bike with a helmet (but I did catch him riding in the alley Sad

without one). He would not rollerblade at school with his classmates because it required a helmet. He does very little to help himself fit in.

I thought if I kept reminding him about the hat and jacket requirement over the past year that it would be like the collared shirt for school dress code. That he'd at the last minute agree (and now he's ok with collared shirts). However, to do this, we have to have them in advance - I can't just magically make a hat and jacket appear on the day of... hence going to the store to try them on.

He has in the past given reports outloud in front of not only his class but all of his classmates' parents and been just fine. Hence me thinking that he could lein and give a small dvar torah. I'm afraid that if I don't push him to do those things, his comfortable space will shrink again. As it is, he won't go to shul at all right now - which is why the rav told us to make our own minyan. Noises and sounds overwhelm him, so we'd keep it relatively small.

I agree about letting him grow into it, but sometimes, perhaps, one needs a little push to see that he is capable. And, fwiw, when he turned 3 he wouldn't wear a yarmulke at all - it took a year of me being hands off to when he finally agreed to put one on.

As a second complication - my dh doesn't believe in him at all. Sad

and is forever putting him down. Which I think makes the situation ever so much worse. I think that if he didn't have that added to things, maybe he would be more agreeable.

And then the next one down, loves everything shul related and I wonder, if he's saddened at all that his little brother is chomping at the bit to be there and he's afraid of it.

DrMom

Mon, Aug 01 2011, 1:17 am

YESHASettler wrote:

ITA.

Lay off the hat!!!

He obviously has some sensory issues with hats and uptight collars. Insisting that wearing a hat = Judaism is (a) utter nonsense and (b) possibly likely to push him OTD.

I'm not generally in favor of making things so easy for people that there are no rules about anything, anything goes. But you are not recognizing that he has some real sensory issues.

He's going to dread his bar mitzvah is it's all about wearing clothes that are torture to him.

Worry less about him fitting in with the dress code in your community and more about attending to his needs. One can be a fabulous frum Jew without wearing a Borsalino.

Mazal tov on your son's upcoming bar mitzvah. I hope it brings you nachas.

JewishMother18

Mon, Aug 01 2011, 1:38 am

Amother I understand exactly what you're all going through. My son has similar issues and I'll tell you how we dealt with it -

1. barmitzvah - we knew he would not lein in front of the whole shul so we took the barmitzvah away with just immediate family and a few close friends - people that he was comfortable with and knew from seeing them around our Shabbat table
2. leining - we never knew until the actual day whether he'd do the whole lot or just some of it - his brother was ready to step in if needed and none of our guests would have known if that was intentional or not - as it happened he did the whole lot and was absolutely brilliant
3. learning - we took a teacher for him who taught special ed and therefore knew exactly how to teach his parsha
4. clothing - I took him several weeks before the barmitzvah to look around the shops and just get a feel for what he might have to wear
5. tzitzit - he has total sensory issues with tzitzit and to this day (he's now 15) he can't wear them - no-one needs to know about this except him and me
6. kippah - he has always had a problem with his kippah - when he was younger we eventually got him to wear a large buchari kippah which he was very comfortable with - but it could never be washed or changed; now he wears a knitted kippah but it doesn't often stay on his head as he can't wear clips with it. Most of the time it's in his pocket and I have to constantly remind him about it - he can't wear a helmet either when riding a bike and in the winter will never put the hood up on his jacket.
7. sweaters - he will never wear them without there being a huge performance about putting them on and straightening everything else underneath until it's exactly the way he wants it to feel.

These are all sensory issues and you can't change that - you can work with him though to get to the stage where he feels comfortable with things but you can't throw something at him and say wear it! It's like breaking in a new pair of shoes - you have to wear them around the house for a while until they feel really comfortable. He's not making this up or trying to be difficult so don't get mad at him but try to find ways to get comfortable. And, you have to remember, what's comfortable one day won't necessarily be so the following day.

It's a lot of hard work and you need to get help with it rather than struggling through on your own. There are qualified counsellors out there who do this work and for everyone's sake, but especially your son, I would get whatever help you can.

Good luck - our challenging children are wonderful human beings but it can be so exhausting along the way.

tikva18

Mon, Aug 01 2011, 10:56 am

YESHASettler wrote:

I have a question for you though... has he ever been diagnosed and had therapy?

Yes, he had OT for sensory integration for years, we've done brushing, I've accommodated for so many things. He had to have food therapy because he had an overly strong gag reflux - his eating is still poor. He used to throw up at every single meal. B"H, we're past that. He used to starve himself and was emaciated at the age of six because he couldn't or would not eat. I got him a protein drink that helped him grow - when he started he couldn't even drink a serving and it was a meal replacement. He now can drink one or two servings when he needs and still has room for meals. He's also had years of speech therapy.

His diagnosis is a processing disorder. We have danced around aspergers, but no one will diagnose that - including a top neurologist in our area who specializes in that.

amother

Mon, Aug 01 2011, 11:35 am

amother wrote:

I agree with everything said so far.

in terms of the dvar torah, is he intellectually capable of putting together a written piece (maybe with help from a rebbe, not his father if he's so unsupportive) that can be printed on a nice paper and given out? that would probably boost his self esteem, to have people compliment him on his written piece.

Great idea!

And I don't get the thing with my dh. He was supportive until my ds hit a certain age. I think he must be playing out some role from his childhood with his father Sad

He's actually very loving and great with the kids a lot of the time, but for some reason he has taken to knocking this one down. He also picked on my oldest ds - but they've had so many awesome times together as well.

Fox

Mon, Aug 01 2011, 12:26 pm

Just an additional tidbit to give you chizuk:

Many rebbeim actively discourage boys from leining unless they are truly interested in pursuing it in the future. My sons' cheder prefers that boys -- regardless of ability -- not lein. They only give in when there's likely to be a whole family uproar over it.

Many people have the minhag of not allowing bar mitzvah boys to lein. Their thinking is that leining is a serious skill that requires years to develop and that it should not be reduced to a "performance."

So just know that the practice of having the bar mitzvah lein is by no means universal. Hatzlacha in providing both your son what he needs and your DH what he needs.

DrMom

Mon, Aug 01 2011, 12:56 pm

tikva18 wrote:

YESHASettler wrote:

I have a question for you though... has he ever been diagnosed and had therapy?

I was going to recommend that you explore the brushing therapy. I have a friend whose child saw a significant improvements following brush therapy.

Mommy3.5

Mon, Aug 01 2011, 8:38 pm

Fox wrote:

leining is not a hard skill, my sons rebbe taught a class of 25 boys to lein in the sefardic way in 4 weeks, oh and they were all between 7-8 years old. my son will be 9 in 8 weeks, and reads from the torah every week at the youth minyan.

OP, I really wish I had advice for you. sensory disorders are really rough, I know quite a few people struggling with this same issue. Please know your not alone in this.

Kayza

Tue, Aug 02 2011, 12:04 am

amother wrote:

I don't want him to keep shrinking into smaller and smaller places where he feels comfortable.

Then stop trying to make him do the things you are trying to make him do.

Quote:

He can't handle the pressure or weight of the suit jacket on his shoulders. He won't wear a winter coat at all - or a spring jacket.

You're ok with him not wearing a winter coat, but he has to wear a suit jacket? What exactly am I missing here?

If he has such a hard time with anything on his shoulders then why on earth are you badgering him about a suit jacket. If you are going to push something, push the winter coat, which actually MATTERS.

Quote:

He needs to be able to do these things... He NEEDS to.

Why?

Quote:

I don't know how on earth he's going to be willing to put on tefillin.

Good point. So why are you making both of you crazy on incidentals, when you are not even sure about a KEY requirement Why is this even a discussion, when tefillin has apparently not even been dealt with?

Quote:

Can't afford the tefillin either.

So why are you wasting money on a hat and suit your son does not want?!

Quote:

I'm seeing him getting worse and worse. Diagnosis: language or auditory processing disorder - not diagnosed: aspergers - although he sure has some symptoms (and been not diagnosed by multiple people including a neurologist who specializes in diagnosing aspergers).

Stop focusing on aspergers - it doesn't sound like that's what he has. But DO have more evaluation done, because it sounds (based on the very limited information here) that there may be more than the processing disorder(s) you mention.

Stop focusing on petty issues and issues of public perception, and focus on the things he REALLY needs to do. And, if you are not getting appropriate therapy for him, do whatever it takes to get that arranged.

And stop wasting time on unimportant details.

Kayza

Tue, Aug 02 2011, 12:10 am

amother wrote:

I agree about letting him grow into it, but sometimes, perhaps, one needs a little push to see that he is capable. And, fwiw, when he turned 3 he wouldn't wear a yarmulke at all - it took a year of me being hands off to when he finally agreed to put one on.

As a second complication - my dh doesn't believe in him at all. Sad

and is forever putting him down. Which I think makes the situation ever so much worse. I think that if he didn't have that added to things, maybe he would be more agreeable.

You've gone way past the "little push" stage. From what you describe you are putting way too much pressure on him to do what he cannot do. And while your husband's attitude probably plays a role, here, there is clearly more to it than that.

And, I would strongly suggest getting your husband into therapy to learn how to deal with your son. Or, at least a couple of serious sessions with someone who he would be willing to listen to on the subject. It's not just a "complication". It's a major issue.

tikva18

Tue, Aug 02 2011, 11:21 am

Kayza wrote:

amother wrote:

I don't want him to keep shrinking into smaller and smaller places where he feels comfortable.

Then stop trying to make him do the things you are trying to make him do.

Quote:

He can't handle the pressure or weight of the suit jacket on his shoulders. He won't wear a winter coat at all - or a spring jacket.

Quote:

He needs to be able to do these things... He NEEDS to.

Why?

Quote:

I don't know how on earth he's going to be willing to put on tefillin.

Quote:

Can't afford the tefillin either.

So why are you wasting money on a hat and suit your son does not want?!

Quote:

Kayza, perhaps you missed that the title of this form was 'A SAFE HAVEN'. I have enough guilt already without you helping futher.
I've had enough evals done at this point, I don't need to have more done. And yes, if there's something else going in, it's aspergers - everyone has said that, they've just said that he's too borderline to make the diagnosis.

I don't care about public perception AT ALL - or I wouldn't be a nonvaxing, babywearing, extended nursing, dog owning, BT who's in a wealthy neighborhood when I have very little. I also would not have sent my kids to the school that I did, nor would I have homeschooled my ds when I thought that was best. Nor would I have let my oldest ds leave school when he wasn't happy there.

Like I said, I'd rather he wore a hat than a suit jacket. If my dh won't daven without a hat and my older ds won't daven without a hat and our kehila won't daven without a hat - seems to me a hat is pretty important. Again, I thought I could encourage him to wear it - as in his past, this was successful when applied to a collared shirt. If he doesn't put on a hat now, then he'll have much less desire to ever put one on.

Barbara

Tue, Aug 02 2011, 11:47 am

I *do* understand, and I *do* sympathize. While people from the outside may consider certain things as superficial, they're really not when you're inside the community.

OTOH, from a purely objective standpoint, a man CAN daven without a hat. And in the long run, if your son cannot handle wearing a hat, it may be preferable for him to understand that, rather than thinking that if he cannot handle a hat, he cannot be frum; pass the bacon cheeseburger, please.

Also, I think its too much to expect him to do a host of things that are difficult for him all at the same time -- wear a jacket, wear a hat, leyn. Let him stay in his comfort zone for all but one thing, and push out a bit on that one thing (leyning). Maybe in the fall, before Rosh HaShana, you can broach the possibility of a hat again.

BTW, my son has processing deficits (auditory processing, probably language processing), and these sorts of tactile aversions are not part of it. (He did have separate sensory issues when he was younger, but he's largely outgrown them, BH.) So while I'm far from an expert, I think there is something else going on, although I've no idea if its Aspergers.