whose responsiblity is it to watch the bully?

amother

Fri, Aug 05 2011, 12:12 pm

when theres a kid who bullies all the other kids (older and bigger than him as well) in the bugalow colony, where its fine to leave your children outside unattended for short periods of time, and the mother does nothing about it other than sit of her porch and yell, "shmerel, come here", what are we, as mothers of children being bullied supposed to do? I dont want to judge her, cuz I wouldnt want to be in her position, but what is right in such a situation? can I take action on my own and remove the child from whatever situation it is? or do I have to remove my own child from teh activity he is doing? is it ok to do back to the child (obviously, not to hurt him) what he did to my child?

MamaBear

Fri, Aug 05 2011, 12:41 pm

You confront the parent and tell her she's being ineffective and that her son's actions are negatively affecting all the other kids. If her son can't be controlled she needs to occupy him some other way, away from the other kids. And that's exactly what I do with my own kids when they misbehave - if they're not treating the other kids properly, they are not allowed to play with them. Even if it means more work for myself. Because it is easier to just let a difficult child run around with the other kids instead of entertaining him separately.

Monsey Mama

Fri, Aug 05 2011, 1:00 pm

First, I would talk to the Mother. She may not be able to deal with a difficult child. If she can't or won't effectively parent, I would never do an eye for an eye with a child. It sends a bad message to all the children watching. You would be acting very childish imitating a child's unacceptable behavior. It is not dignified.

I would tell the bully each and every time I saw him pick on a child, his behavior is not acceptable and we don't act like that. I don't know how old the child is; but if he is old enough you can try humor and sarcasm after a few times you stated your demand to behave.

I would also have my Hus speak to his father.

I feel very bad for the Mother. It is a very humiliating situation she is in.

amother

Sun, Aug 07 2011, 2:42 am

All you can do is TEACH YOUR CHILD TO BE ASSERTIVE, to act brave and walk away when this kid starts with his/her bullyying. Fighting back & bullying back can quickly escalate into violence, trouble, and someone getting injured!

There will always be someone in your kids life that will hurt him & bully im in some way. You have them in school, in camp, in the neighborhood, at family simchos, you cant always be there to take charge of the situation, so teaching your child to be assertive is the answer.

Starting up with his parents and getting other parents involved will not help. If you see that things are really out of hand and your kid (and only your kid) is getting hurt & bullied again & again then its time to take more drastic steps. Try to get a counselor or director to guide you & speak to the parents.

groisamomma

Sun, Aug 07 2011, 2:55 am

Monsey Mama wrote:

Bolded=Totally counterproductive advice.

Monsey Mama

Sun, Aug 07 2011, 4:42 am

I have to respectfully disagree with you disagreeing with me. I am obligated to host a kid in my own home who has problems. The humor and sarcasm absolutely work at getting my point across. Now that I think about it, it also worked when I ran an office and co-workers were carping. It works when I teach. It also works with my dh and dcs. It can be very effective as it keeps the atmosphere nice. I am not saying be caustic. Just point out the absurdity of what is happening and then exaggerate it. It works for me.

Monsey Mama

Sun, Aug 07 2011, 4:43 am

amother

Sun, Aug 07 2011, 11:32 pm

Monsey Mama wrote:

So sad. Being sarcastic is a form of bullying. UGH! No workmate, husband, friend or kid deserves such treatment.

amother

Mon, Aug 08 2011, 11:13 am

The mom knows (she sees it). So no point in talking to the mom.

I have been in this situation a few times. I just walk up the kid very calmly when something is going on, look the child in the eye and say in an even, not loud voice, "You will not put your hands on my child." or "You will stay away from my child." I do not get in the bully's personal space, threaten, or raise my voice in any way.

I have had to repeat a few times (again calmly, clearly, and out in the open), "As we discussed before, you may not put your hands on my child."

But I've never had to say more than two or three times.

momaleh

Mon, Aug 08 2011, 11:26 am

amother wrote:

THis. You can only be mechanech your own child. It is your responsibility to be on top of it, don't expect the other mother to do it, although it would be nice for you. Who knows that's going on there?
The only exception would be if you are there and someone hurts your child - you can obviously try to prevent that before it happens, and teach your child that if someone is hurting him, he can defend himself. If no one is in danger, teach your kid to walk away. and if you have to stay outside or keep him inside, that's what's good for your child.

Monsey Mama

Mon, Aug 08 2011, 7:12 pm

To the anonymous grunter who has chosen to disagree. Blaaah to your ugh. Humor works and defuses situations. Perhaps grunting at people does not work. I would not know. It took me a while to find a word as articulate as the one you used. I think anonymous posts are a form of bullying as is words like ugh. The whole purpose is to help the op.

Humor works. The co-workers I was speaking about were my employees. I could leave notes grunting anonymously. I could scream at them and tell them they are wasting MY resources or I could use humor to make my point. My way relaxes everyone and my work gets done. Reductio ad Absurdum a much better way to make a point than ugh.

The same is true for the bully I am forced to entertain in my house. I win over the child. My children are bit victims. I don't creation victims. I still have a nice atmosphere when dh comes home. A reformed bully is now very welcome in my house.

I also use the same sarcastic humor, albeit with a smile, on my children effectively. I was picking up my son today. He did not kiss me when he got in the car.I asked him in a puzzled voice if I was chopped liver or a mommy. He laughed and kissed me.

My husband also responds to teasing sarcasm without being bullied.